Stupid fucking lyrics by idiots

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

I was going to post this myself. The bolded part in particular may be the absolute worst two lines in the history of Western civilization. (Though I really don't know what one could reasonably expect from a guy with a vodka bottle lodged in his head.)

You've got to admit, though, that the image of Jon Bon Jovi waking up, punching the air triumphantly and waggling his tongue around is fucking hilarious.

[Inspector Norse]

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the lyrical ouevre of White Lion.

Are you cryin' tonight, are you
Feelin' alright
I'll tell the world that you are,
Down on your luck, you were
One of the kind
One who'd never give in
Even when they put a price on your head

Has anyone heard the tales you tell
Or seen the scars you wear
Did anyone speak up when you fell
Does anybody care

Rise again little fighter
And let the world know the reason why
Shine again little fighter
And don't let 'em end the things you do

And you were one with a cause,
And a reason to be
You were a fighter for peace
On this earth

And you were never afraid
You put your life on the line
And you were always alone
Out on the sea

Without a weapon in your hand
You came to fight a war
They took your life, but didn't know
That you would never die

Rise again little fighter
And let the world know the reason why
Shine again little fighter
And don't let 'em end the things you do

Are you feelin' alright
'Cause I care

Rise again little fighter
And let the world know the reason why
Shine again little fighter
And don't let 'em end the things you do
Rise again little fighter
And let the world know the reason why
Shine again little fighter
And don't let 'em end the things you do

[gib]

"Somewhere in my heart
There is a star that shines for you"

highly unlikely mate

[Captain Z]

This is an anthem for the girl that got away
This is an anthem for the war of yesterday
This is an anthem for the rebel of my youth
This is an anthem for the risk of loving you

Was this song famous in its own right before Filo & Peri got their hands on it?

I was heavily into the trance scene at that time and this was a real 'jump the shark' moment for many of those who had been questioning the direction of the genre for the past couple of years. I remember having seen a couple of forum posts or interview quotes alluding to this huge new track Paul van Dyk had got his hands on called 'Anthem', and how it was destined to become a future classic. Then it finally got played on a mainstream internet radio show and everyone was like seriously...?

Around the same time Tiesto released a track with BT (known for his outstanding mid-90's productions, but now providing vocals) that I thought was hilariously bad:

Break my fall...
I've found what's missing inside you
Break my fall...
Na na na nana nahh

[Jockice]

You're about as easy as a nuclear war. Where there used to be some shops.

[a duncandisorderly]

Around the same time Tiesto released a track with BT (known for his outstanding mid-90's productions, but now providing vocals) that I thought was hilariously bad:

transeau is singing now?

[kalowski]

I'm assuming Oleta Adams is too obvious, but what the hell.

You can reach me by railway, you can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane, you can reach me with your mind
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just get here if you can
You can reach me by sailboat, climb a tree and swing rope to rope
Take a sled and slide down the slope, into these arms of mine
You can jump on a speedy colt, cross the border in a blaze of hope
I don't care how you get here, just get here if you can
There are hills and mountains between us
Always something to get over
If I had my way, surely you would be closer
I need you closer
There are hills and mountains between us
Always something to get over
If I had my way, surely you would be closer
I need you closer
You can windsurf into my life, take me up on a carpet ride
You can make it in a big balloon, but you better make it soon
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just get here if you can
I don't care, I don't care
I need you right here right now
I need you right here right now right by my side yeah yeah
Get here
I don't care how you get here, just get here if you can.

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

Another obvious one, but if we're compiling a definitive dossier then this has to go in.

I Shot John Lennon by The Cranberries

It was the fearful night of December 8th
He was returning home from the studio late
He had perceptively known that it wouldn't be nice
Because in nineteen eighty, he paid the price
John Lennon died, John Lennon died, John Lennon died
John Lennon died, John Lennon died, John Lennon died
With a Smith and Wesson .38
John Lennon's life was no longer a debate
He should have stayed at home
He should have never cared
And the man who took his life declared, he said
"I just shot John Lennon!"
He said "I just shot John Lennon!"
What a sad and sorry and sickening sight
It was a sad and sorry and sickening night
Oh a sad and sorry and sickening sight
It was a sad and sorry and sickening night

I daresay she was a nice person, but 'kin Ada.

[non capisco]

I like her retrospective advice to John Lennon about avoiding getting murdered. "He should have stayed at home". Well, hindsight is 20/20 and all that. I bet he's kicking himself now.

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

San Franciscan Nights by Eric Burdon & The Animals is painful. I have a high tolerance for hippie whimsy, but Burdon was the biggest kaftan-wearing, spliff-addled buffoon of his generation. An earnest, artless, pious idiot who thought he was quite clever

[Spoken in a dreadful approximation of an American accent]
This following programme is dedicated to the city and people of San Francisco,
Who may not know it but they are beautiful and so is their city
This is a very personal song, so if the viewer cannot understand it, particularly those of you who are European residents,
Save up all your bread and fly Trans Love Airways to San Francisco U.S.A.
Then maybe you'll understand the song
It will be worth it, if not for the sake of this song but for the sake of your own peace of mind

[Sung]
Strobe lights beam create dreams
Walls move minds do too
On a warm San Franciscan night

Old child, young child feel alright
On a warm San Franciscan night

Angels sing leather wings
Jeans of blue Harley Davidsons too
On a warm San Franciscan night

Old angels, young angels feel alright
On a warm San Franciscan night.

I wasn't born there, perhaps I'll die there
There's no place left to go, San Francisco

Cop's face is filled with hate
Heavens above he's on a street called love
When will they even learn?

Old cop, young cop feel alright
On a warm San Franciscan night

The children are cool
They don't raise fools
It's an American dream
Includes indians too.

Shame, as the tune is quite pretty.

[non capisco]

I have a high tolerance for hippie whimsy, but Burdon was the biggest kaftan-wearing, spliff-addled buffoon of his generation. An earnest, artless, pious idiot who thought he was quite clever

The Isley Brothers' cover of 'Spill The Wine', though.

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

I like her retrospective advice to John Lennon about avoiding getting murdered. "He should have stayed at home". Well, hindsight is 20/20 and all that. I bet he's kicking himself now.

She also suggests that Lennon had second sight, yet ignored the dire warnings of his gift. He knew, perceptively, that it wouldn't be nice when a mentally ill man assassinated him that night, but went out anyway. I mean if that's true, he had no one to blame but himself.

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

The Isley Brothers' cover of 'Spill The Wine', though.

Oh Burdon was responsible for some great stuff, but his lyrics were appalling.

[easytarget]

Fly
On your wings
Like an eagle
Fly as high
Touch the sun

Or whatever you get the idea.  Shit.

Excellent. Captures the majesty of an eagle etc.
"IN THE NAME OF GOD MY FATHER I'LL FLY!"

[non capisco]

Oh Burdon was responsible for some great stuff, but his lyrics were appalling.

His fantasy about being led naked into 'the hall of the mountain king' in front of a load of randy lasses all baying for his personal pipe is somehow rendered slightly less like a twelve year old's wet dream when it's Ronald Isley singing about it.

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

His fantasy about being led naked into 'the hall of the mountain king' in front of a load of randy lasses all baying for his personal pipe is somehow rendered slightly less like a twelve year old's wet dream when it's Ronald Isley singing about it.

This is terribly true, yes.

[Natnar]

Marianne by Tori Amos


Tuna
Rubber
A little blubber in my igloo
And I knew you pigtails and all
Grils when they fall
And they said Marianne killed herself
And I said not a chance
Don't you love the girls ladies babes
Old bags who say she was so pretty why
Why why why did she crawl down in the old
Deep ravine

C'mon pigtails girls and all those sailors
Get your bags and hold down won't you just
Hold down cause Ed is watching my every sound
I said
They're watching my every sound

The weasel squeaks faster than a seven day week
I said Timmy and that purple Monkey
Are all down
At Bobby's house
Making themselves pesters and lesters and jesters an dmy
Traitors of kind
And I'm just having thoughts of Marianne
She could outrun the fastest slug
She could
Marianne
Quickest girl in the frying pan

[purlieu]

transeau is singing now?

He sang on ESCM.

Tori Amos

Queen of utter bollocks sixth form metaphoric poetry bollocks. She's written some nice tunes, but almost all of her lyrics are atrocious.

[kalowski]

Marianne by Tori Amos


Tuna
Rubber
A little blubber in my igloo
And I knew you pigtails and all
Grils when they fall
And they said Marianne killed herself
And I said not a chance
Don't you love the girls ladies babes
Old bags who say she was so pretty why
Why why why did she crawl down in the old
Deep ravine

C'mon pigtails girls and all those sailors
Get your bags and hold down won't you just
Hold down cause Ed is watching my every sound
I said
They're watching my every sound

The weasel squeaks faster than a seven day week
I said Timmy and that purple Monkey
Are all down
At Bobby's house
Making themselves pesters and lesters and jesters an dmy
Traitors of kind
And I'm just having thoughts of Marianne
She could outrun the fastest slug
She could
Marianne
Quickest girl in the frying pan

I don't mind that, it's wacky enough to be different. It's better than "You can reach me by railway, you can reach me by trailway" for the sake of fuck.


Trailway

[purlieu]

Fucking hell, that reminds me of this nightmare:

I'm just lying here thinking to myself again
I'm round the bend
I've been driving round talking to myself again
Not making no sense

What makes you and what makes me
What makes men lie through their teeth
And what makes ten-ton birds fly me across the sea

And who's to say that if the sun goes out today
That all the movie stars will drive their cars away
Fallen angels from their pay cheques on parade
What's going down?
What's going around?
I'm climbing the wall

I'm just standing here looking at myself again
I'm going blind

I'm just sitting here playing with myself again
It's turning me on

So what makes you and what makes me
What makes women lie through their teeth
What makes ten-ton ships sail me across the sea

And who's to say that if the sun goes out today
That all the movie stars will drive their cars away
Fallen angels from their pay cheques on display
What's going down?
What's going around?
I'm climbing the wall

So what makes you and what makes me
What makes people lie through their teeth
What makes ten-ton trains rail me under the sea

And who's to say that if the sun goes out today
That all the movie stars will drive their cars away
Fallen angels from their pay cheques on parade
What's going down?
What's going around?
I'm climbing the wall

The first Stereophonics album has a lot of very low-key, nicely observed lyrics about small-town life, but it didn't take Kelly Jones long to start writing absolute bollocks like "What makes ten-ton trains rail me under the sea". "Fallen angels from their pay cheques on parade" is similarly nonsensical, and the verse about him having a wank isn't worth considering. I mean fucking hell mate, people are paying to buy this album, that level of quality just doesn't cut it, even for the Stereophonics.

[the ouch cube]

They're saying now it never happened
They're saying now it never happened
They're saying now it never happened
They're saying now it never happened
They're saying now it never happened
They're saying now it never happened
They're saying now it never happened
They're saying now it never happened

We gotta stop these stinking nazis

And they say that it didn't happen
What the nazis did to the jews
If they think they've a second coming
Then we got different views

We gotta stop these stinking nazis

They say now it didn't happen
They say now it didn't happen
They say now it didn't happen
They say now it didn't happen
They say now it didn't happen
They say now it didn't happen
They say now it didn't happen
They say now it didn't happen

We gotta stop these stinking nazis

What the world needs is more nazis
Like it needs a hole in the head
Your future is not safe at all
'til this disease is dead

They're saying now it never happened
They're saying now it never happened
They're saying now it never happened
They're saying now it never happened
They're saying now it never happened
They're saying now it never happened
They're saying now it never happened
They're saying now it never happened

We gotta stop these stinking nazis
Yeah!

Roger Taylor off of Queen, 'Nazis 1994'.

Not an idiot, but trying to be Senser at his age was bizarre

[Gregory Torso]

It's always Des'ree isn't it, these kinds of things, if you're a no-core bean-faced music writer in the 90s, or maybe a hack lazy stand-up comedian, probably take an escalator when the stairs would do, haggard panel shite mulch.

Heh, Des'ree. She's really bad with words, couldn't hold her own in a rap battle, shit son, this is me onstage at jongleurs, "i'd rather eat a piece of toast than see a ghost... uh, excuse me?" (waits for laughter) "PIECE OF TOAST TWAT" Dreams they can come true, no, that 's Gabrielle you fucking hot horse dick, she's rubbs and alll

Des'ree, which is Latin for "day of wrath", is boring short hand for shite pop, like saying "dogging" or "graveballs" on a panel show and basking in the easy titters.  Ooh, not very good at writing song words is she hell but scratch the surface mate

THERE IS TRUTH IN SHIT

FIND IT

To be honest, I find her nominal, unbuttocked approach to lyrics quite refreshing, we can't all be prancing around in a charcoal cagoule going "i AM Leonard Cohen, la-di-Satan-dah, bring me a riven crow". If only more pop artists would have the balls, THE BALLS IN 2019, to sing "life, doo doo deedly wibbly doo, life, hee hee, la la la, life is a rollercoaster you've got to gobble it down the shaft"

"I don't want to see a ghost, I'd rather have a piece of toast"
Well as someone who squirted half a pint of shit into the tattered upholstery of an old cinema seat during Ghostbusters when the library ghost shouted SHUT THE FUCK UP and got mad phantasmal, I can agree, and relate, ghosts are nasty.

And you know what, real talkl, when the shit is on the spike, the clock is on the rag and some greasy fat rubbery phil spectre defector is pointing a gun at you in the studio screaming "JUST FINISH THE FUCKING SONG DES'REE THERE IS A NEW NOW COMPILATION COMING OUT, FINISH THE FUCKIN SONG, ALAN FLUFFY MAN IS ON THE PHONE YOU DOZY BITCH SING IF YOU WANT TO BE ON TOP OF THE POP", could you come up with anything better?

I doubt it, Columbo. *

What's your rhyme like bitch?

I'd rather visit the coast.
I'd rather not see a ghost.
I'd like to punch Compo the most.
I'd rather knuckle my enflamed labia while eating a sunday roast.


Mmm, yeah yeah yeah
Oh yeah, yeah yeah
Oh life, oh life

yeah, take that GOD. Look at Des tackling life, give me all you've got, slinging nonchalance like milkshake out of a toddler's tantrumming face, yeah yeah, mmm, that tastes good, Lord Jesus, all the pain and misery and constant disappointment and acres of grey and beige bleak nothingness, yum yum. is that all youve got)

I'm afraid of the dark
Especially when I'm in a park

Me too, Desmonds, me too. The dog poo. The rapes. The scary things. Who isn't afriad of being in a park, in the dark, hearing a bark, remembering Kirsty Wark, thinking they might cark.

Never walk under ladders
I keep a rabbit's tail

At the risk of this tenderly curated post turning into an unfunnily shit SHIT fucking deathrattle diarrheah aids bomb child killing dead-animal-anuses-sold-as-spaghetti-hoops slop article by a scrotumnal unforgivable smear stank feta cheese dick lumpen bogling Hacksaw Jim Duggan obituary, I do feel that Des'ree has made a bit of a mis-step here, lyrically. It's a rabbit foot, surely? A rabbit's foot.

I'm tired of listening to Des'ree for now, but I still think there's more to be said.

[alan nagsworth]

My days get better when I read your posts mate, top class, nice one

[purlieu]

It's always Des'ree isn't it, these kinds of things, if you're a no-core bean-faced music writer in the 90s, or maybe a hack lazy stand-up comedian, probably take an escalator when the stairs would do, haggard panel shite mulch.

Heh, Des'ree. She's really bad with words, couldn't hold her own in a rap battle, shit son, this is me onstage at jongleurs, "i'd rather eat a piece of toast than see a ghost... uh, excuse me?" (waits for laughter) "PIECE OF TOAST TWAT" Dreams they can come true, no, that 's Gabrielle you fucking hot horse dick, she's rubbs and alll

Des'ree, which is Latin for "day of wrath", is boring short hand for shite pop, like saying "dogging" or "graveballs" on a panel show and basking in the easy titters.  Ooh, not very good at writing song words is she hell but scratch the surface mate

THERE IS TRUTH IN SHIT

FIND IT

To be honest, I find her nominal, unbuttocked approach to lyrics quite refreshing, we can't all be prancing around in a charcoal cagoule going "i AM Leonard Cohen, la-di-Satan-dah, bring me a riven crow". If only more pop artists would have the balls, THE BALLS IN 2019, to sing "life, doo doo deedly wibbly doo, life, hee hee, la la la, life is a rollercoaster you've got to gobble it down the shaft"

"I don't want to see a ghost, I'd rather have a piece of toast"
Well as someone who squirted half a pint of shit into the tattered upholstery of an old cinema seat during Ghostbusters when the library ghost shouted SHUT THE FUCK UP and got mad phantasmal, I can agree, and relate, ghosts are nasty.

And you know what, real talkl, when the shit is on the spike, the clock is on the rag and some greasy fat rubbery phil spectre defector is pointing a gun at you in the studio screaming "JUST FINISH THE FUCKING SONG DES'REE THERE IS A NEW NOW COMPILATION COMING OUT, FINISH THE FUCKIN SONG, ALAN FLUFFY MAN IS ON THE PHONE YOU DOZY BITCH SING IF YOU WANT TO BE ON TOP OF THE POP", could you come up with anything better?

I doubt it, Columbo. *

What's your rhyme like bitch?

I'd rather visit the coast.
I'd rather not see a ghost.
I'd like to punch Compo the most.
I'd rather knuckle my enflamed labia while eating a sunday roast.


Mmm, yeah yeah yeah
Oh yeah, yeah yeah
Oh life, oh life

yeah, take that GOD. Look at Des tackling life, give me all you've got, slinging nonchalance like milkshake out of a toddler's tantrumming face, yeah yeah, mmm, that tastes good, Lord Jesus, all the pain and misery and constant disappointment and acres of grey and beige bleak nothingness, yum yum. is that all youve got)

I'm afraid of the dark
Especially when I'm in a park

Me too, Desmonds, me too. The dog poo. The rapes. The scary things. Who isn't afriad of being in a park, in the dark, hearing a bark, remembering Kirsty Wark, thinking they might cark.

Never walk under ladders
I keep a rabbit's tail

At the risk of this tenderly curated post turning into an unfunnily shit SHIT fucking deathrattle diarrheah aids bomb child killing dead-animal-anuses-sold-as-spaghetti-hoops slop article by a scrotumnal unforgivable smear stank feta cheese dick lumpen bogling Hacksaw Jim Duggan obituary, I do feel that Des'ree has made a bit of a mis-step here, lyrically. It's a rabbit foot, surely? A rabbit's foot.

I'm tired of listening to Des'ree for now, but I still think there's more to be said.

Yeah but what makes ten-ton trains rail you under the sea?

[TheMonk]

Another obvious one, but if we're compiling a definitive dossier then this has to go in.

I Shot John Lennon by The Cranberries

Oh yes I bought that album and any love I had for The Cranberries was shot when I heard that one. So bad it instantly brought their back catalogue into question.

[popcorn]

50 Words for Snow by Kate Bush

1 drifting
2 twisting
3 whiteout
4 blackbird-braille
5 Wenceslasaire
6 avalanche

Come on man, you've got 44 to go
Come on man, you've got 44 to go
Come on man, you've got 44 to go
Come on man, you've got 44 to go

7 swans-a-melting
8 deamondi-pavlova
9 eiderfalls
10 Santanyeroofdikov
11 stellatundra
12 hunter's-dream
13 faloop'njoompoola
14 zebranivem
15 spangladasha
16 albadune
17 hironocrashka
18 hooded-wept

Come on Joe, you've got 32 to go
Come on Joe, you've got 32 to go
Come on now, you've got 32 to go
Come on now, you've got 32 to go
Don't you know it's not just the Eskimo
Let me hear your 50 words for snow

19 phlegm-de-neige
20 mountainsob
21 anklebreaker
22 erase-o-dust
23 shnamistoflopp'n
24 terrablizza
25 whirlissimo
26 vanilla-swarm
27 icyskidski
28 robber's-veil

Come on Joe, just 22 to go
Come on Joe, just 22 to go
Come on Joe, just you and the Eskimos
Come on now, just 22 to go
Come on now, just 22 to go
Let me hear your 50 words for snow

29 creaky-creaky
30 psychohail
31 whippoccino
32 shimmerglisten
33 Zhivagodamarbletash
34 sorbetdeluge
35 sleetspoot'n
36 melt-o-blast
37 slipperella
38 boomerangablanca
39 groundberry-down
40 meringuerpeaks
41 crème-bouffant
42 peDtaH 'ej chIS qo'
43 deep'nhidden
44 bad-for-trains
45 shovelcrusted
46 anechoic
47 blown-from-polar-fur
48 vanishing-world
49 mistraldespair
50 snow

Erase-o-dust?! Melt-o-blast?! Bad for trains?!

[famethrowa]

How do you try and follow up one of the biggest-selling albums of the era? Well, you don't try at all:

When you and your friend come around
Are you and your friend gonna get on down
When you and your friend come around
Are you and your friend gonna let me down

Knopfler you dirty old bollocks you.

[grassbath]

Love me some Kate, but god that's pretentious guff isn't it.

[TheMonk]

Love me some Kate, but god that's pretentious guff isn't it.

An amazing list of potential band names though.
Could be a Glastonbury poster for 2029.

[purlieu]

I'd like to see you come up with 50 names for snow.