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March 28, 2024, 11:54:36 AM

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Banal and unfunny true statements, structured like jokes

Started by Tombola, July 13, 2019, 11:11:37 PM

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Tombola

The first time I listened to American Idiot by Green Day, I thought it didn't flow very well. I had it on shuffle.

Go.

Has anyone here ever been to a Waffle House at 2 a.m. in the morning?

They serve great waffles.

Great White Ape

I said to the pharmacist, "Can I have some sleeping pills?" She said, "Why?" I said, "I keep waking up."

bgmnts

Knock knock
Who's there?
Its post.
Post who?
Postman, sir.
Alright cheers.

McFlymo


TheMonk

I went to the butchers and said "Have you got any lamb?"
He said "Of course Sir, how much are you after?"

Small Man Big Horse

Quote from: TheMonk on July 14, 2019, 03:58:34 AM
I went to the butchers and said "Have you got any lamb?"
He said "Of course Sir, how much are you after?"

I went to the butcher and guess what he told me?
Guess what he told me?
He said girl you better try to have fun
No matter what you do, but he's a fool
Last time I try to buy a pork pie from him, I can tell you.

'I'm going to India,' said a friend.  'What should I take for rabies?'  My eye fell on a stray dog, salivating heavily.

'Anti-rabies jab,' I said. 'Ask your doc.'
'

zomgmouse


Jockice

I'm not saying my wife's fat. Because I'm not married

DrGreggles

I walked into a pub yesterday and there was a horse behind the bar.
It was a photo of Red Rum. I was in Newmarket.
Apparently lots of pubs in Newmarket are similarly horse-heavy on the decor front.

NoSleep

I was walking out of my house the other day, then turned left and went to the shops.

I had to get the bus to work today........and then I got off the bus!

Mr Banlon

A beggar asked me for 20p for a cup of tea.
I said, "Here's 40p, bring me back one."
He brought me back a cup of tea. (There was a food truck round the corner that gave discounts to the homeless)

alan nagsworth


Icehaven

A man walked in, sat down at a computer, collapsed and had an epileptic fit, then got up and left.

I went to the Doctor complaining about experiencing a perpetual sense of dread with moments of extreme anxiety.
He said, 'Here's a prescription for 50mg of Sertraline and I'll get someone from a talking therapy service to ring and make an appointment.'

Gregory Torso

Do you remember when you were at school and the kids, they all had those pokemon cards, and there'd be, ooh, there'd be some really nasty competitions going on, and , and sometimes, you'd get a Charizard, there was one, do you remember? Was it silver? Charizard, the dragon. Remember him? He was the one all the kids wanted to get because, you'd just, you'd deck anyone with Char... Charizard. I wonder what kids have now? Last time I heard it was those, those spinning things, I forgot what they're called. Pokemon, eh? Pocket monsters, it meant.

Mr Faineant

There was an Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman. The Irish one was thick as pig shit.

It was hard standing all day to work.  Then they took on a gay fellow.  He let us sit-great boss!

druss

I once had an ice cream on a cold day. It was winter!

Brundle-Fly

What's the deal with airport security? It's a necessary procedure to protect passengers, staff, aircraft, and airport property from accidental/malicious harm, crime, and other threats. Go figure?

gatchamandave

Welcome aboard my taxi. On until teatime and been run off my feet, thanks. No, your the first person to ask, sir

BlodwynPig

An Englishman, An Irishman and A Scottishman meet up to discuss the funeral arrangements of A Welshman friend.

zomgmouse


Take my wife! She's an example of one of millions of people who are fans of the popular Netflix series Stranger Things.

mjwilson

I have fond memories of the day before my 29th birthday.
I was 28 at the time.

Quote from: TheMonk on July 14, 2019, 03:58:34 AM
I went to the butchers and said "Have you got any lamb?"
He said "Of course Sir, how much are you after?"

I went to the butcher and asked "Have you got a sheep's head?"
He said "No, it's the way I part my hair there's no call for them nowadays so there would be little point in stocking them."

lankyguy95

Amanda Holden has famously had extensive Botox.

Liable to produce headaches and nausea, Botox is a neurotoxic protein.

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