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Banal and unfunny true statements, structured like jokes

Started by Tombola, July 13, 2019, 11:11:37 PM

Previous topic - Next topic
My mother-in-law, though.  How heavy is she?

Not very, actually; very slim for her age and height.

Trying to get a word in edgeways with my ma-in-law, though.  It's like - well, anything else that's easy, really, because she never hogs the conversation.

I went into Morrisons the other day. They were having a sale on biscuits. Hobnobs? Yes, they were part of the sale.

Coprolite

A Nigerian approaches a rabbi at a bus stop and says "when is the bus due"

The rabbi says "it should have been here 12 minutes ago"

jobotic

Bought some condoms. Man behind the counter said "feeling lucky eh?". Don't know about luck but I do plan to have sex with someone I don't wish to impregnate if that's what you mean, I replied. Why else would I be buying these?

Former

"My dog's got no nose."

"How does he smell?"

"Well, he doesn't, does he? He can't. He hasn't got a nose. Kinda tragic really when you think about it because dogs are often substantially dependent on having a keen sense of smell. The vet said we could consider having him put down, but he seems happy enough in himself for now. Mind, he's getting a bit of arthritis in his back legs too, which tends to happen with Retrievers as they get older, so it probably won't be that long now."

a duncandisorderly

I can't think where I've left my chariot. good friend, where is my chariot?


thenoise

My life is a bit of a disappointment, and my mother-in-law severely dislikes me.

A horse walks into a bar. Funny at first then scary.

Jockice

My mate Tim works for the Home Office and is currently stationed in Barbados. But his boss is in Jamaica. And is male.

Jockice

Quote from: Jockice on July 14, 2019, 08:43:55 AM
I'm not saying my wife's fat. Because I'm not married


I forgot the punchline to this one. Which is 'I do have a girlfriend though. But she's reasonably slim.'

zomgmouse



Norton Canes


Norton Canes


zomgmouse

My tea is cold... and there's not a lot of it either

kittens

so i go into work this morning and see my boss and she's like 'danny have you seen the new set of hearing aids for mr pillinger' and i'm like 'yes they're in the stock room' and she's like 'oh good - his appointment is this afternoon!'.

Thursday

My wife is going on holiday to the Caribbean islands.

Jamaica?

Yes, that's one of them.

zomgmouse


Gregory Torso

A moth went into a psychiatrist's office. "Close the window, there's moths getting in" said the psychiatrist.

Puce Moment

Look at all those moths flying into lights in pursuit of the moon.

They don't even look like the moon.


Two cows are in a field.  "Mooooo, " says the first cow.  The other cow doesn't respond.  The cow's mooing has no semantic meaning and doesn't denote the start of a conversation between two animals.

zomgmouse


DrGreggles

Someone claiming to be from Microsoft called me earlier.
They clearly weren't though, so I hung up.

Gregory Torso

A man walked into a bathroom and looked at the toilet. "Absolute quality" he exclaimed. Unforutnately he had already quite severly shit his trousers.

jenna appleseed

Quote from: Gregory Torso on July 17, 2019, 10:07:04 PM
A man walked into a bathroom and looked at the toilet. "Absolute quality" he exclaimed. Unforutnately he had already quite severly shit his trousers.

R.I.P Desolation thread :'-(

Terryfuckwit

Why do gays do well in show business?

Because flamboyancy is entertaining.

zomgmouse

I'm eating an omelette. It's got leek in it. It's also got broccoli in it. And feta cheese.

NoSleep

Quote from: Terryfuckwit on July 29, 2019, 12:36:09 AM
Why do gays do well in show business?

Because flamboyancy is entertaining.

Q: Why are all gays flamboyant?

A: Well, they're not.