The 54th Best of John McEnroe Outbursts Part 4

[DangledTeeth]

Lineswoman: AoooUUUTT!

Umpire: 40-0.

McEnroe angrily hits a ball across court

McEnroe: YOU REPREHENSIBLE AIR SANDWICH! YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN A MALFUNCTIONING HOLOGRAM! FFFFUCKING HELL, MAN!!

McEnroe stands at the net and stares explosions at the lineswoman

McEnroe: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO JUDGE THAT SHOT! I'M THE ASSHOLING TENNIS PRO HERE, (Points at opponent) AND SO IS THAT PLAGIARIST'S INTERLUDE OVER THERE. No-offence-pal. (To Lineswoman) YOU HAVE NO CREDENTIALS TO YOUR NAME. YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED OR EXPERIENCED TO CALL IT OUT! HAND IN YOUR BADGE AND GUN, THEN TAKE A SHOWER COS YOU'RE FUCKING CAKED IN FILTHY INCOMPETENCE. USE COLD WATER! COLDER THAN AN ANTARTIC NIPPLE.

Umpire: McEnroe, can you pl-

McEnroe: AS FOR YOU, SIR COMFYBUTT, YOU MAY HAVE A BETTER FUCKING VIEW THAN HER, BUT YOU ARE NOT ME. I WHACKED THE FLUORESCENT TESTICLE OVER THE STRINGY RECTANGLE OF IMPEDIMENT, I SAW WHERE THAT CUNT LANDED. IN WAS IN. GOT THAT?! YOU WITHERED ABORTION!

Umpire: Actually, I think you are right. Replay the point.

McEnroe: Ah thanks, man. I'm sorry for, you know, letting off some steam. It's a tough game at times.

Umpire: Not at all. No hard feelings, Mr McEnroe.

McEnroe positions himself behind the baseline

Umpire: Agassi leads two sets to love, 6-2, 6-1, 5-3. Agassi to serve for the match.

McEnroe: YOU CANNOT BE SYLLABUS!

[DangledTeeth]

Umpire: The ball is in.

McEnroe: WELL TAN MY GLUTES AND COAX ME FROM A BROTHEL! YOU SUBNORMALERS USUALLY CLAIM MY SHOT WAS OUT, EVEN THOUGH I'M PREPARED TO SAY ON THIS RARE OCCASION THAT IT TRUTHFULLY WAS 'OUT' DUE TO THE FACT I HIT THE BALL INTO THE OUTER RECTANGULAR ZONE. LEARN HOW TO LOOK, FOR FUCK'S FUCKING SAKE.

Umpire: Mr McEnroe, this is a doubles match. The landing space for scoring a point is much wider now.

McEnroe: YOU CANNOT BE SYPHILLIS! (Kicks racket to the ground) WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT PLAYING IN A ONE-ON-ONE SINGLES MATCH WITH A LONE OPPONENT?! TELL ME THAT, DINKY TITS! WHY?! ANSWER THE QUESTION, CUNT!

Umpire: I am not involved in the organisation of the tournament in terms of match fixtures. My role is to officiate the proceedings of the match.

McEnroe: NOT INVOLVED IN THE ORGANISATION OF THE MATCH FIXTURES, HUH?!?! WELL, THAT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN PERCHING ON YOUR ELEVATED THRONE ALL PISSING AFTERNOON, YOU INSUFFICIENT FERRY. SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A SECOND, OKAY, RIGHT... NOW LET ME SPEAK. Alright, let's play tennis

[DangledTeeth]

Umpire: Mr McEnroe...

McEnroe: LISTEN TO ME, YOU HOSTILE PACIFIST! THAT SPHERICAL DO-WHAT ZOOMED ACROSS THEN BOUNCED MAJESTICALLY BEFORE PASSING THE BASELINE, NOT AFTER!

Umpire: B-

McEnroe: DON'T INTERRUPT ME, YOU PREVARICATING CORPSE! THAT SHOT WAS MORE NOTICABLE THAN A FREEWAY COLLISION. HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THAT!?

Umpire: Would you please...

McEnroe: NO! YOU LET ME DELIVER MY STATEMENT ON THE CURRENT CONDITION OF THIS MATCH, OKAY. THIS VERY RACkET HIT THAT BALL WITH ELEGANT FORCE. IT WAS NOT AN INSIPID SNEEZE OF A SHOT.

Umpire: Mr McEnroe, please!!!! The ball was in. Game, set and match to you.

McEnroe: FUCK THE WHAT?!?! DON'T SHIT ON MY SHOES AND CALL IT POLISH, MAN. BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO SCREW ME OVER WITH DISHONESTY...

Umpire: You served an ace; it was a championship point.

McEnroe: Wh-what?!

McEnroe checks the scoreboard

McENROE. I... I've won. I'VE WON WIMBLEDON AGAIN! YAH-HAH-HAAAAAGH!

McEnroe weeps and proudly raises the trophy

Announcement: Would the winner and runner-up please pose for several boring photographs, shake the hands of officials and royalty, engage in a brief interview and attend the post-match conference.

McEnroe: OH! YOU CANNOT BE CELCIUS!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Out!!

That it is, umpire of the game. That it is.

[Bazooka]

John: My Racket is made out of cucumber and concrete, obviously the ball will be out every time I hit it.