Author Topic: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear  (Read 3744 times)

alan nagsworth

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Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« on: July 25, 2019, 11:35:58 PM »
Went to Supersonic didn't I? Great time had by all. Saw a Japanese fella make music out of toys. Saw a woman cathartically lose her shit in a yellow lycra jumpsuit with eight tits. Saw all sorts mate. Mad.

Stayed in one of those Airbnbs with my mate didn't I? Thought that might be a laugh. Done it before. Never done it with someone with sleep apnea, like, but it's on the bucket list so I thought, fuck it. One man's snoring can't be any more insufferable than the bullshit the host has thus far inflicted on my prior to my actual stay. What a goddamn nightmare she was.

But I was wrong wasn't I? I should clarify my mate didn't have time to pack his gear so he'd be sleeping unaided, face naked as the way god intended, belching slumberous into the sweet hot night air. It's REALLY LOUD, this snoring. The boon of alcohol and general exhaustion and foam earplugs assisted me through two of the three nights, but on the third, I lost an ear plug. I tried everything in the room, which was basically fucking nothing: the only other things to try were the unsheathed filter of a Benson & Hedges, or the special ear plugs I use for gig enjoyment moderation.

The filter proved useless didn't it? And the gig plug doesn't keep out regular high frequencies so that was also bollocks.

OR WAS IT?

I had the brilliant idea to wad up some tissue in my gob and shove it down the meatus of the plug to seal it up. It worked! Nice. However, about an hour later I awoke to some discomfort from the plastic back end of the thing and decided to swap ears to the one I wasn't lying on. I removed the plug and fuuucks sake the tissue's not inside. So it's in my ear canal then yeah? RIGHT. Great.

My one remaining failsafe was to bang a valium and deal with it in the morning. But obviously I didn't deal with it, because it wasn't causing me any pain or hearing loss, and I'm a lazy gobshite, so I ignored it. Today however I got a lot of water in my ear in the shower and the fucker expanded and I thought bollocks to this, I've gotta go to A&E.

So there I am explaining my very innocent plight to the receptionist and all she bloody writes on the thing is "foreign body". Now I'm freaking out that the girl at the desk in the UCC is reading it and thinking this smart looking lad fresh from his new city office job has got a fucking quail egg down his dick or something.

Anyway I'm bored of writing now. They pulled it out and the satisfaction and clarity was amazing. They also said my bad hearing was less likely to do with loads of loud gigs and more because I had a shit ton of deep, dark impacted wax in my lugholes. So the next couple weeks I'll be pouring olive oil down the bastards and flushing out the bad stuff.

Unsure as yet if this is owt to do with a ghost curse but will keep you all posted. Feel free to post your own tales of having stuff satisfyingly pulled out of you.

BlodwynPig

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2019, 11:41:05 PM »
Same

Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2019, 11:58:06 PM »
I've never been to a festival in my life and never will because life is shit and I can't imagine having to pretend to myself that everything around me is really mind expanding and great and life is worth living and I love everyone. I just wish people put this much effort into something productive.

Fuck off.

Glebe

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2019, 12:05:11 AM »
Yikes... hope you're feeling okay now, Nags.

Mr_Simnock

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2019, 12:06:31 AM »
I went to a festival for the first time in my life on somewhere called Mayne Island in B.C Canada. Even though I didn't care much for the music it was just great being there with friends and enjoying having a drink and soaking up the atmosphere, far better than i thought it would be.

touchingcloth

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #5 on: July 26, 2019, 12:09:36 AM »
Went to Supersonic didn't I? Great time had by all. Saw a Japanese fella make music out of toys. Saw a woman cathartically lose her shit in a yellow lycra jumpsuit with eight tits. Saw all sorts mate. Mad.

You can't go "to" supersonic, what you probably meant is you went "at supersonic speeds". Would you consider rephrasing your opening paragraph as:

Went at supersonic speeds didn't I? Great time had by all. Saw a Japanese fella make music out of toys. Saw a woman cathartically lose her shit in a yellow lycra jumpsuit with eight tits. Saw all sorts mate. Mad.

?

imitationleather

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #6 on: July 26, 2019, 12:11:29 AM »
I went to a festival for the first time in my life on somewhere called Mayne Island in B.C Canada. Even though I didn't care much for the music it was just great being there with friends and enjoying having a drink and soaking up the atmosphere, far better than i thought it would be.

I just went to a festival for the first time in years and, unexpectedly, I enjoyed it far more than in my early twenties when I went to dozens of the fuckers. Probably not just spending three days getting every drug I can find into my system by any means necessary and suffering all the terrible mental and physical effects of doing that helped. It was just great seeing bands, hanging out with mates, talking to people I don't know and just generally wandering about going on on adventures. Definitely a lot better than spending days trapped in my tent having the mother of all bad acid trips, as always happened back in the day.

I used to think people my age at festivals were a bit weird. Now I see they in fact were the ones having the actual fun allllll along.

ZoyzaSorris

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2019, 12:17:07 AM »
Quote
Saw a Japanese fella make music out of toys. Saw a woman cathartically lose her shit in a yellow lycra jumpsuit with eight tits. Saw all sorts mate. Mad.
Rutger H considers posthumous rewrite

touchingcloth

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #8 on: July 26, 2019, 12:25:27 AM »
I just went to a festival for the first time in years and, unexpectedly, I enjoyed it far more than in my early twenties when I went to dozens of the fuckers. Probably not just spending three days getting every drug I can find into my system by any means necessary and suffering all the terrible mental and physical effects of doing that helped. It was just great seeing bands, hanging out with mates, talking to people I don't know and just generally wandering about going on on adventures. Definitely a lot better than spending days trapped in my tent having the mother of all bad acid trips, as always happened back in the day.

I used to think people my age at festivals were a bit weird. Now I see they in fact were the ones having the actual fun allllll along.

Did you take a gooseneck kettle?

imitationleather

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #9 on: July 26, 2019, 12:28:26 AM »
Did you take a gooseneck kettle?

Mate, I was only even there because I was booked to headline the Gooseneck Kettle tent.

touchingcloth

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #10 on: July 26, 2019, 12:32:03 AM »
Even as a young'un I hated the idea of festivals, partly because of the length, partly because of the noise, mainly because of my mantra that you should never go anywhere where ground and toilet are indistinguishable.

I am 33 years old. Would I like a festival even though literally everything is covered in shit? Which should I go to?

Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #11 on: July 26, 2019, 12:49:57 AM »
I am thinking to one just as a test of endurance; to see if I can get through the whole time without killing as many people as possible.

zomgmouse

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #12 on: July 26, 2019, 02:37:24 AM »
Can you make candles from the wax please

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #13 on: July 26, 2019, 04:29:55 AM »
Quote
I am 33 years old. Would I like a festival even though literally everything is covered in shit? Which should I go to?

Dungeness Fucking Absolute Pisscore Vomitorium AIDS Toilet

BlodwynPig

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #14 on: July 26, 2019, 07:33:23 AM »
I've never been to a festival in my life and never will because life is shit and I can't imagine having to pretend to myself that everything around me is really mind expanding and great and life is worth living and I love everyone. I just wish people put this much effort into something productive.

Fuck off.

Don’t realise that watching The Killers in a soggy Leeds field has inspired so so many children...to become Tory voters of the future

Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #15 on: July 26, 2019, 08:36:40 AM »
Please be careful with your ears and hearing. I developed tinnitus about five or six years ago and although my brain tuned it out thankfully after about two years, that was a really difficult time. That's understating it quite a lot but I'm not going to put too fine a point on it because I know some people here have tinnitus and I know from experience that it's not great to read others' negative stories about it.

I'm just saying please don't fuck about with your ears, mate.

Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #16 on: July 26, 2019, 10:15:32 AM »
Please be careful with your ears and hearing.

Fuck this, I've always wanted to get my ears syringed. Has anyone had their ears syringed? I imagine it being really satisfying. I don't care if it hurts, it would all be worth it for the sensation of squeaky-clean supersonic hearing for a bit.

kittens

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #17 on: July 26, 2019, 10:22:42 AM »
they mostly do microsuction now rather than syringing. in my line of work you get to see all kinds of fucked up ear stuff, but i still do not protect my hearing and routinely shove things down the ear hole causing infections.

gilbertharding

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #18 on: July 26, 2019, 10:51:33 AM »
Fuck this, I've always wanted to get my ears syringed. Has anyone had their ears syringed? I imagine it being really satisfying. I don't care if it hurts, it would all be worth it for the sensation of squeaky-clean supersonic hearing for a bit.

Yes - a few times at the doctor's and more recently by DIY at home (only because I knew it was wax build-up rather than anything nasty).

It was immensely satisfying every time.

Firstly there's the massive lump of unspeakable brown or orange wax floating in the water which you'll wonder how it ever fitted in your earhole. Then there's the almost unbelievable lightness you feel - akin, you imagine, to what the advocates of trepanning must be speaking about. You will imagine that you can almost feel cool air wafting around the spaces in your skull.

And finally there's the sudden ability to hear again after two weeks of muffled fogginess - you'll want to go for a walk immediately, so that you can revel in the almost superhuman feat of hearing distant (we're talking very distant) birdsong. The first time I had my ears syringed I almost jumped out of my skin when a car went past on my way home - it sounded like one of those Stereophonic Sound demonstration discs.

king_tubby

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #19 on: July 26, 2019, 10:53:33 AM »
Surely your face anus is your mouth? COS YOU TALK SHIT NAGSWORTH

(nb, this is joke, I like your posts, do more of them)

Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #20 on: July 26, 2019, 11:24:39 AM »
Yes - a few times at the doctor's and more recently by DIY at home (only because I knew it was wax build-up rather than anything nasty).

It was immensely satisfying every time.

This all sounds wonderful. Syringe my ear asap please.

The only problem is that as far as I know I have no hearing problems. Would it therefore likely produce no effect?

Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #21 on: July 26, 2019, 11:31:51 AM »
This is quite a notorious mistake, and I believe I did the same thing myself in my youth.
Have also had syringing to remove foul ear matter several times, always that immensely satisfying sudden clarity.


pancreas

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #22 on: July 26, 2019, 11:38:44 AM »
they mostly do microsuction now rather than syringing. in my line of work you get to see all kinds of fucked up ear stuff, but i still do not protect my hearing and routinely shove things down the ear hole causing infections.

I'm with you. There's nothing like drumming a line of coke, is there?

Dex Sawash

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #23 on: July 26, 2019, 11:51:29 AM »
I like to put hydrogen peroxide in my ears. It makes a mad orchestra of fizzing that must be beneficial. A shame that ear holes are not inclined so I can do both at once.

Olive oil slowly seeping back out of your ear holes for hours seems like torture.


Edit- peroxide up your actual anus might be quite an experience too

chveik

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #24 on: July 26, 2019, 11:58:06 AM »
Fuck this, I've always wanted to get my ears syringed. Has anyone had their ears syringed? I imagine it being really satisfying. I don't care if it hurts, it would all be worth it for the sensation of squeaky-clean supersonic hearing for a bit.

yes it's fucking ace.

DO IT NOW

Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #25 on: July 26, 2019, 12:16:02 PM »
Feel a bit silly asking this, but it's never occurred to me before until Nags mentioned this... And it's a bit sensitive, but I suppose if I don't ask now I'll never have the context to ask again.

You know, with the analogy he's made about his ears - But everyone else has only got one 'arse' anus, right?

Cerys

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Cuellar

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #27 on: July 26, 2019, 10:13:07 PM »
Ooof imagine having two anuses. The possibilities. The stuff of dreams.

WesterlyWinds

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #28 on: July 26, 2019, 10:30:28 PM »
I'm actually going to get my ears syringed tomorrow. I've been putting it off for months and months, despite it being as incredible as everyone has already said (this will be the third time in two years). I've been putting it off because the ear wax has caused minor tinnitus in my right ear (which is a fairly standard side effect of having dried crap covering the whole of your ear drum), and I'm terrified that it won't go away when they are clear and I'll have to accept I actually have tinnitus rather than it just being caused by my disgusting ears. Thankfully it doesn't bother me too much, but it's a bit sad to think I may never hear silence ever again.

zomgmouse

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Re: Ballad of my poor face anus, aka my ear
« Reply #29 on: July 28, 2019, 06:11:48 AM »
Why don't you just stick your finger in and wiggle it about a bit

Also applies to ears