Scan the bag, bud.

[Flatulent Fox]

I keep trying, but the wife's not got a barcode!

Lovely delivery!

[a duncandisorderly]

We have Ned Ludd among us...

it's not about that.

[Thursday]

If you try and pack the bag as you go you end up jiggling it on the scales and then the machine gets confused and has a benny and requires a sullen shopworker to hammer in an unlock code. DICKHEAD.

Waitrose near me introduced one's that don't care about the weight, and because it's nice, middle class Waitrose, full of people with #FBPE in their twitter profiles, they can be trusted not to lie.

[Ferris]

I've accidentally nicked some pears using a self checkout, but felt bad about it when I realized. Will this be taken into account at my sentencing y/n?

[alan nagsworth]

"Do you need help packing your bag?"

I need help staving off the fucking abyss of my life enough to just swivel my legs out of bed every morning so I think it's a bit late asking me if I need help at this late stage in the day pal.

[Gregory Torso]

I really like self service tills. Anything that confuses old people, I like. Anything that whips up the stomach ulcers of retired dentists is good. I love scanning in an energy drink and making it ask for assistance so the grumpy old maribou stork looking woman has to waddle over and aggressively type in the code. I love thieving bags, one day I'll walk into tesco express wearing a suit made from all the bags I've robbed. No beef shit head.
I work in a gutter position, customer facing, serving the general public and I can not wait to be replaced by a machine. I always tell people not to come to my counter, go to the self service kiosks you mothers. Do they? No. They are OLD. and they want STAMPS. because they think there is STILL A WAR ON.

[phes]

4500 more jobs going today and Tesco have been very careful to bulshit explain the redundancies are unrelated to self service. Only a tiny fraction of their workforce of course but that'll be little comfort given the major retailers have 70% of the market and are engaged in a war where eradicating humans represents the biggest savings 

[The Boston Crab]

Hope they get a robot to pack the bags for me next year

[The Boston Crab]

Wait, shouldn't my shit be CHEAPER if I'm packing it and they're sacking four thousand till guys? Just realised.

Where does their savings go to? Me, the customer?

I never thought about this before actually, I bet they just keep the money.

[BlodwynPig]

4500 more jobs going today and Tesco have been very careful to bulshit explain the redundancies are unrelated to self service. Only a tiny fraction of their workforce of course but that'll be little comfort given the major retailers have 70% of the market and are engaged in a war where eradicating humans represents the biggest savings

Prepping for the inevitable post brexit looting

[Ferris]

Prepping for the inevitable post brexit looting

You'd want more staff (armed with aubergines and stale cashews) rather than fewer to defend against a mob, surely?

[BlodwynPig]

You'd want more staff (armed with aubergines and stale cashews) rather than fewer to defend against a mob, surely?

protecting their staff more like. Have you seen how scrawny Tesco staff are? It's not like N. America with armed guards on every aisle.

[Icehaven]

An particular idiosyncrasy of Tesco is that there always seems to be an absolute army of staff replenishing stock, with massive trolleys blocking the aisles, someone invariably restocking the shelf you need so you can't get to it, and constantly having to move out of the way for more trolleys and more people shovelling more stuff out. I understand (particularly in city centre metro branches) that the amount of space they have for stock versus how busy they are means this is unavoidable but it's still a ballache. Maybe it's just because they're sometimes quieter but other supermarkets don't seem to have the same problem.

[Kelvin]

Ive heard... seen... shops... usually whsmiths at Heathrow, where no human staff set foot. Just absolute garbage and beeps.

All of those moments will be lost in time... like tears in the rain.

[H-O-W-L]

I work in a supermarket. Not allocated on the tills but whenever I use self-service I always end up getting stared at by potato-quality members of the public for not helping them remove the tag on their 20 litres of Frauleinschmaschen Biggencidre despite the huge fuck off 'FRESH FOOD DEPARTMENT' letters plastered all over my back. Aye, love, I just came down here from the milk aisle just to detag your remote dildo, it has nothing to do with this half-liter Red Bull that I'm waiting for the human dumpling over there to authorize because apparently I'm too young to have it without asking mummy.

[The Boston Crab]

Defo gonna be using 'potato quality' from now on. Nice one.

[phes]

An particular idiosyncrasy of Tesco is that there always seems to be an absolute army of staff replenishing stock, with massive trolleys blocking the aisles, someone invariably restocking the shelf you need so you can't get to it, and constantly having to move out of the way for more trolleys and more people shovelling more stuff out. I understand (particularly in city centre metro branches) that the amount of space they have for stock versus how busy they are means this is unavoidable but it's still a ballache. Maybe it's just because they're sometimes quieter but other supermarkets don't seem to have the same problem.

It's by design. They're trying to cut stock rooms out, so most goods will come straight off freight and onto the floor of the shop.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Defo gonna be using 'potato quality' from now on. Nice one.

I also laughed

Fantastic

[Lord Mandrake]

Poundshop, a chorus of Yoda's spark up; "hmm shopping you have" "Assistance you need". All tills going at once, Yoda screaming at me, just wanted a family pack of Quavers and now I need to kill.

[H-O-W-L]

Probably the nicest thing about shopping where I work is on the rare occasions nowadays I have a proper pissup, whenever I get told "I hope that's not all for tonight!" sarcastically in regard to my 2 liters of Old Rosie I can give them a blank, dead-eyed stare like a creature from the Black Lodge and have it taken entirely as a joke rather than a desperate cry for help. (It's both!)

[Sebastian Cobb]

Poundshop, a chorus of Yoda's spark up; "hmm shopping you have" "Assistance you need". All tills going at once, Yoda screaming at me, just wanted a family pack of Quavers and now I need to kill.

Wondered where you'd been Mark.

[touchingcloth]

Fully expected cunt in bollock area.

[José]

in morrison's the computer voice lady says "SURPRISING item in bagging area" so, for a giggle i like to plop down an impossible non-euclidian object like a penrose triangle or a moebius strip then point and cackle at the beleaguered staff member as they slowly go mad trying to parse it.

[touchingcloth]

in morrison's the computer voice lady says "SURPRISING item in bagging area" so, for a giggle i like to plop down an impossible non-euclidian object like a penrose triangle or a moebius strip then point and cackle at the beleaguered staff member as they slowly go mad trying to parse it.

Put your penis in the bagging area but, SURPRISE, you've taught it to say "boo".

[Sebastian Cobb]

Put your penis in the bagging area but, SURPRISE, you've taught it to say "boo".

Get it out at Asda's checkout and exclaim 'roll that back'.

[José]

except you're saying it in a tearful, pleading tone and have extremely serious and painful phimosis.

[Rev+]

It's all about the pyramid.

I've seen such beautiful architects of the pyramid.  Storm in with a trolley, swing it around diagonally so it cuts off access to any other fucker entering or leaving the self-check paddock and get to building the pyramid.  Amazing feats of engineering until the spirit of the pyramid suddenly leaves them and they realise all that stuff has to be transported somehow.

Always, always, always white, middle-class, and over 50.

CLASS WAR

[Twit 2]

I find the whole process of shopping in a supermarket one of yawning, soul-bending drudgery. Every aspect of it is septic and ant-like, only more painful and with slower scurrying. The sheer utilitarian hell: ducts on show, gooseberries co-ordinated, your feet practically marching themselves to a Slavic state anthem, played by a blind but competent fiddler. By the time I reach the checkouts where I'll be quizzed about my loyalties I am barely suppressing screams. The lights flicker and a special air of Saturnalian transgression descends. It seems as reasonable to prostrate myself on the conveyor belt and serve myself dead as it would to simply mumble-pay. In the vast interior landscape of Morrison's I am the incidental Icarus in Bruegel the Elder's painting, the jaded assistants "like farmers continuing to plough."

[imitationleather]

I find the whole process of shopping in a supermarket one of yawning, soul-bending drudgery. Every aspect of it is septic and ant-like, only more painful and with slower scurrying. The sheer utilitarian hell: ducts on show, gooseberries co-ordinated, your feet practically marching themselves to a Slavic state anthem, played by a blind but competent fiddler. By the time I reach the checkouts where I'll be quizzed about my loyalties I am barely suppressing screams. The lights flicker and a special air of Saturnalian transgression descends. It seems as reasonable to prostrate myself on the conveyor belt and serve myself dead as it would to simply mumble-pay. In the vast interior landscape of Morrison's I am the incidental Icarus in Bruegel the Elder's painting, the jaded assistants "like farmers continuing to plough."

I would suggest you start getting your shopping delivered instead.

[H-O-W-L]

As a retail worker can I say that retail shopping is fucking dull? Not even like UGUUGGUUHUHUUBUNUGUG LOGANS RUN IRL depressing, just fucking dull? Like legitimately fucking dull? Like a shit sidequest in a role playing game. There is no reason to stay in a shop for an hour and a half just "socializing". Please fuck off, cunt.