Author Topic: Fucking online recipes  (Read 2561 times)

touchingcloth

  • Member
  • **
  • She is hot in the arse.
Fucking online recipes
« on: August 08, 2019, 11:24:43 PM »
What percentage of times when reading recipes online do you end up hitting FUCK OFF, BACK?

“So, I...”

FUCK OFF, BACK

“My husband likes cress but my darling daughter only eats chia so I wanted to create”

FUCK OFF, BACK

“Here are ten paragraphs describing when I ate crickets on ping pong balls in a Phuket back alley”

FUCK OFF, BACK

“We all know the healing benefits of açai are second only to a cunt steaming”

FUCK OFF, BACK

Get on with recipe or jump in cauldron, gobshite. Don’t care about your boring experiences, hopes and dreams.


Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2019, 11:26:06 PM »

the

Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2019, 11:28:33 PM »
What percentage of times when reading recipes online do you end up hitting FUCK OFF, BACK?

Change "recipes" to "CaB food threads" and I'm right with you.

Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #3 on: August 08, 2019, 11:32:15 PM »
0% of the time because I just scroll down to the ingredients list.

touchingcloth

  • Member
  • **
  • She is hot in the arse.
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #4 on: August 08, 2019, 11:36:00 PM »
0% of the time because I just scroll down to the ingredients list.

This is bad counsel. If someone can’t get to the fucking point - the point of an online recipe very much being the recipe - why put any faith in their ability to not wax lyrical about whisk technique, or the ennui of peppercorns, or the food cart they were at when they first OH FUCK OFF, BACK

Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #5 on: August 08, 2019, 11:39:55 PM »
Love how the us recipe site, geniuskitchen.com has dealt with gdpr by simply blocking all of europe. nice one lads.

touchingcloth

  • Member
  • **
  • She is hot in the arse.
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #6 on: August 08, 2019, 11:41:12 PM »
Loads of sites did that when the law came into force, but most have relaxed it now.

Arsed, mate; regs.

I wonder what proportion of companies which still take that approach have contemplated the existence of VPNs and how they could spin that into a defence if they breached a proxy-using EU subject’s data.

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2019, 12:43:47 PM »
"Ingredients:
1/2 cup Graham crackers
2 oz Marshmallow Fluff

FUCK OFF, BACK

Use proper measurements and proper ingredients, I'm not an old person with the palate of an American child.

I purchased a meat thermometer last year and it has revolutionised my meat cookery, but every time I use it I generally have to faff around on Google for a good few minutes before I find a figure that's not in fucking Fahrenheit.

Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2019, 12:58:18 PM »
"ORIENTAL LEMON CHICKEN

First, make the lemon marinade by following the recipe you can find here. You won't have any of the ingredients, because they are listed on that recipe page, not this one. And to think, you were just in Tesco's and all. Typical."

GET FUCKED.

Blumf

  • Not long now
    • IGNORE ME!!!
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #9 on: August 09, 2019, 01:02:42 PM »
I generally have to faff around on Google for a good few minutes before I find a figure that's not in fucking Fahrenheit.

Pro tip:
https://www.google.com/search?q=250f+in+c

Although the cunts measuring flour in volume units instead of weight can get to fuck.

H-O-W-L

  • Front Toward Enemy
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #10 on: August 09, 2019, 01:06:22 PM »
"Just make a basic bechamel first, you should know how to do this, for a basic Fajita recipe."

get in grave

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #11 on: August 09, 2019, 01:09:15 PM »
Pro tip:
https://www.google.com/search?q=250f+in+c

Although the cunts measuring flour in volume units instead of weight can get to fuck.

Hahahaha... I have a unit converter on my phone's calculator but I still don't trust anyone listing temperatures in Fahrenheit. Celsius is a piece of piss, mate.

My mother used to argue that Imperial measurements were better "because they're BRITISH, not like the metric system, that's FRENCH". Fahrenheit isn't a very British name now, is it? And aren't feet and inches from Ancient Rome?

Measuring flour by volume is just wrong though. Richard Bertinet, the baker I was introduced to by mook (cheers mook) even insists on measuring water by weight, due to the variation between measuring jugs. It seems to work, anyway.

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #12 on: August 09, 2019, 01:16:13 PM »
"Just make a basic bechamel first, you should know how to do this


Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #13 on: August 09, 2019, 01:16:53 PM »
I put off quite a few American recipes because they used different names for stuff and I thought it was some exotic thing we couldn't get. Turns out a capsicum is just a pepper.

icehaven

  • Please don't hi five people in Tamworth
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #14 on: August 09, 2019, 01:20:11 PM »
I have a completely childish predilection for Halloween themed cakes and biscuits etc., not to actually make or eat them myself, I just enjoy the inventiveness and the cartoon gothery. Anyway I've watched a few episodes of Christine McConnell and occasionally have a look at similar websites and books, and remain staggered by the total disingenuousness involved in even pretending most attempts to recreate the recipes would look anything like theirs do. There's other entire TV series ('Cake Masters' or whatever they're called) about how highly skilled you have to be to make these kinds of things, yet there's all these how-to videos and books etc. still cheerfully making out anyone can do it. ''And then just carefully apply about 5 miles of delicate piping at exactly the right temperature to the edge of your 5ft high haunted house cake.'' McConnell made this astonishing biscuit Ouija board, it was absolutely brilliant, but she used a food colouring spray paint gun with several different shades of brown in it for ffs.

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #15 on: August 09, 2019, 01:20:51 PM »
I put off quite a few American recipes because they used different names for stuff and I thought it was some exotic thing we couldn't get. Turns out a capsicum is just a pepper.

I once met an Australian who found me absolutely hilarious because I said "pepper" instead of "capsicum".

I also say "garage" instead of "carhold". Hahahaha!

Dex Sawash

  • Silver Member
  • ****
  • Upphängningspunkterna
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #16 on: August 09, 2019, 01:20:56 PM »
[tag] obscure pornhub genres [/tag]

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #17 on: August 09, 2019, 01:24:22 PM »
I've watched a few episodes of Christine McConnell and occasionally have a look at similar websites and books, and remain staggered by the total disingenuousness involved in even pretending most attempts to recreate the recipes would look anything like theirs do. There's other entire TV series ('Cake Masters' or whatever they're called) about how highly skilled you have to be to make these kinds of things, yet there's all these how-to videos and books etc. still cheerfully making out anyone can do it. ''And then just carefully apply about 5 miles of delicate piping at exactly the right temperature to the edge of your 5ft high haunted house cake.'' McConnell made this astonishing biscuit Ouija board, it was absolutely brilliant, but she used a food colouring spray paint gun with several different shades of brown in it for ffs.

Have you seen Nailed It!? I suspect you'd enjoy it.

icehaven

  • Please don't hi five people in Tamworth
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #18 on: August 09, 2019, 01:28:27 PM »
"Just make a basic bechamel first, you should know how to do this, for a basic Fajita recipe."

get in grave

Amen. Many years ago I was following a recipe for a 'simple' spicy sausage casserole and one of the instructions halfway through was 'now caramelise your veg'. I know what caramelising is but I'm damned if I had the know how, pans or time to do it so I just chucked them in as was and it tasted fine.
Admittedly I'd only skim read the recipe before starting but even if I'd read it properly I still didn't know how to caramelise anything (well not without ending up with a burnt sugar crust with peppers and onions embedded in it anyway). You don't just chuck in a whole other cooking task halfway through a recipe without also explaining how to do it. The presumptuousness of it.

Edit; Actually I've just remembered the same recipe had a can of chickpeas in the ingredients list but at no point in the instructions did it say anything about what to do with them. They probably forgot because they were too busy including entire cooking skills I don't have.
« Last Edit: August 09, 2019, 01:49:53 PM by icehaven »

icehaven

  • Please don't hi five people in Tamworth
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #19 on: August 09, 2019, 01:29:54 PM »
Have you seen Nailed It!? I suspect you'd enjoy it.

I have! And I do.


Blumf

  • Not long now
    • IGNORE ME!!!
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #20 on: August 09, 2019, 01:40:56 PM »
'Stick of butter' ... what the fuck is a stick of butter?

Cuellar

  • She was having sly love with a midnight creeper
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #21 on: August 09, 2019, 02:25:01 PM »
You know those recipes in gifs that you get these days?

Every single one, without fail, will at some point require you to add "3 cups of heavy cream" or "3 cups of cream/grated/mozzarella cheese"

Oh that recipe gif of just pasta and some sauce is delicious? I wonder why that is you horror.

Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #22 on: August 09, 2019, 02:35:16 PM »
You know those recipes in gifs that you get these days?

Every single one, without fail, will at some point require you to add "3 cups of heavy cream" or "3 cups of cream/grated/mozzarella cheese"

Oh that recipe gif of just pasta and some sauce is delicious? I wonder why that is you horror.

Most of those are absolute bollocks too. They either don't work or taste like shit. They just do what looks most visually striking and unusual so they go viral.

Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #23 on: August 09, 2019, 02:38:37 PM »
Why though does google always bring up American sites? I'm not American, I'm of the English people, with their ways of measuring and aportioning. There are UK cooking sites, I've seen them. I just want a simple Kecap Manis recipe, I don't want to know some random person's very special, soulful affinity with Indonesia because they went there once. I don't want to know the oft tragic story of small scale producers being driven out of business due to capitalist monoliths taking control of the market. Don't care that it's a popular condiment amongst the Dutch because of their historic links to the East Indies. Just want the recipe. Then cups of stuff, and what the hell is molasses except deadly when unleashed? Is it just treacle? Golden Syrup?

And then there's the assumption that you have every esoteric piece of kitchenware and gadget ever made. Everything should be makeble with spoon, big spoon, bigger spoon, pan and knife.

Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #24 on: August 09, 2019, 02:56:11 PM »
And God help anyone that tries to follow American recipes for another country's food. Yes, Ms. Dabrowski, I'm sure your great grandmother was Polish but you don't fucking bake golobki.

Cuellar

  • She was having sly love with a midnight creeper
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #25 on: August 09, 2019, 02:58:30 PM »
Obligatory 'person who poured yorkshire pudding batter all over a chicken and then roasted it' reference

Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #26 on: August 09, 2019, 03:14:18 PM »
I put off quite a few American recipes because they used different names for stuff and I thought it was some exotic thing we couldn't get. Turns out a capsicum is just a pepper.

You must have encountered the worst of all, an Australian pretending to be American

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #27 on: August 09, 2019, 03:17:03 PM »
Eggplant is a stupid name, isn't it? Aubergines look nothing like eggs. Good joke about them in The Royle Family though.

Cuellar

  • She was having sly love with a midnight creeper
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #28 on: August 09, 2019, 03:18:05 PM »
Check out an aubergine when it's just started growing

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: Fucking online recipes
« Reply #29 on: August 09, 2019, 03:22:04 PM »
I stand corrected... I would still prefer "Nobplant" though.