Topic: Fucking online recipes

[touchingcloth]

"Ingredients:
1/2 cup Graham crackers
2 oz Marshmallow Fluff

FUCK OFF, BACK

Use proper measurements and proper ingredients, I'm not an old person with the palate of an American child.

I purchased a meat thermometer last year and it has revolutionised my meat cookery, but every time I use it I generally have to faff around on Google for a good few minutes before I find a figure that's not in fucking Fahrenheit.

5 sticks of butter

FUCK OFF, BACK

First, it comes in packs; second, packs vary in size; third, why are you putting 5 of any sized packs of butter in this hummus recipe?

FUCK OFF, BACK

I actually have a laminated print out up in the kitchen for unit conversion, partly because I have some older cookbooks that just measure that way, and partly because even some American recipes on the internet are quite good.

Dough recipes giving flour and salt quantities in cups and spoons can get to fuck. Like you say (thanks to mook, PBUH) weight is not only a better way of measuring it, but it's more practical if only from the point of view of having fewer bits of shit to wash up.

[H-O-W-L]

No.

Amen. Many years ago I was following a recipe for a 'simple' spicy sausage casserole and one of the instructions halfway through was 'now caramelise your veg'. I know what caramelising is but I'm damned if I had the know how, pans or time to do it so I just chucked them in as was and it tasted fine.
Admittedly I'd only skim read the recipe before starting but even if I'd read it properly I still didn't know how to caramelise anything (well not without ending up with a burnt sugar crust with peppers and onions embedded in it anyway). You don't just chuck in a whole other cooking task halfway through a recipe without also explaining how to do it. The presumptuousness of it.

Edit; Actually I've just remembered the same recipe had a can of chickpeas in the ingredients list but at no point in the instructions did it say anything about what to do with them. They probably forgot because they were too busy including entire cooking skills I don't have.

Aye. It's sort of baffling to me that people expect home cooks such as myself who cook shit to A: vary their diet and B: fill their tummies to have a broad and full knowledge of cooking methods to the point of knowing how to fit a recipe off hand. It's one thing to expect me to know how to make my own pasta sauce off by heart but it's another to expect me to know how to bastardize the broadbeans into a femto smashtoid for the sixth course.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Why though does google always bring up American sites? I'm not American, I'm of the English people, with their ways of measuring and aportioning. There are UK cooking sites, I've seen them. I just want a simple Kecap Manis recipe, I don't want to know some random person's very special, soulful affinity with Indonesia because they went there once. I don't want to know the oft tragic story of small scale producers being driven out of business due to capitalist monoliths taking control of the market. Don't care that it's a popular condiment amongst the Dutch because of their historic links to the East Indies. Just want the recipe. Then cups of stuff, and what the hell is molasses except deadly when unleashed? Is it just treacle? Golden Syrup?

And then there's the assumption that you have every esoteric piece of kitchenware and gadget ever made. Everything should be makeble with spoon, big spoon, bigger spoon, pan and knife.

It's basically just brown sugar and black treacle (Americans call this mollasses).

[idunnosomename]

One cup of carrots

One cup of mushrooms

Theyre not fucking liquids.fuck off

[H-O-W-L]

One cup of carrots

One cup of mushrooms

Theyre not fucking liquids.fuck off

A whole furlong of samphire.

[Pearly-Dewdrops Drops]

Pack of butter. A pack of butter?

Christ, I knew the UK was a desolate post-imperial wasteland, but this is a new low!

Butter comes in firm, girthy STICKS

[Blue Jam]

250g of butter, Grandad.

[Dex Sawash]

"Ingredients:
1/2 cup Graham crackers
2 oz Marshmallow Fluff

[touchingcloth]

You can’t even buy butter in grams any more because of Christine Lagarde, so you have to ask for deux cent cinquante grammes de votre meilleur beurre moussant, gros bonnet de la barre.

[pupshaw]

I put off quite a few American recipes because they used different names for stuff and I thought it was some exotic thing we couldn't get. Turns out a capsicum is just a pepper.

When I see the word "skillet" I reach for my back button

[Dex Sawash]

When I see the word "skillet" I reach for my back button

What is a low-sided metal cooking thingie really called?

[Dex Sawash]

Oh wait, is it a chip pan?

[Blumf]

"Broiling"? Do one!

[rectorofstiffkey]

"Ingredients:
1/2 cup Graham crackers
2 oz Marshmallow Fluff

FUCK OFF, BACK

Seconded.  Really sick of seeing a lovely picture of a cake on a US recipe website, and then seeing that the 'ingredients' start with '2 pkts white cake mix, 1 pkt frosting'.  That's not really a recipe, is it?

Nigella Lawson was the first cookery writer I ever experienced who couldn't just give you a recipe without three paragraphs (at least) twatting on about who gave her the recipe, an unfascinating fact about where/how they used to make it and some dull anecdote about her childhood.  It quickly became tedious, and that was before she was even on the telly doing the same stuff.  Just get on with the recipe.  Thanks.

I made a cake from one of her recipes, which said (and this is a direct quote): "it’s heavenly at blood heat, when the cakiness of the chocolate sits warmly around the sour-sweet juicy raspberries embedded within, like glinting, mud-covered garnets.".

In reality, it dirtied every bowl in the house, flooded the oven (because she hadn't said that the batter was so thin that a springform tin wouldn't do.  I think that Delia would have gently directed her readers to a solid tin) and tasted like quite nasty chocolate cake with some hot raspberries in it.  A fiver those ingredients cost me - I've never forgiven her.

[weekender]

Were you not more annoyed by the oven flooding?

[rectorofstiffkey]

Were you not more annoyed by the oven flooding?

I was slightly cross with myself, because to be fair to her she hadn't said a springform tin was Ok, I just assumed. Most recipes tell you when you must have a solid tin though! The evil stuff all pooled down to the bottom  of the oven but because I've put a non-stick mat on the base it just baked on that and became a thin burnt layer. If I hadn't had the mat down it would have been much nastier.

Anyway, it was a bit less unpleasant cake that had to be eaten, so swings and roundabouts.

[Sebastian Cobb]

If it makes you feel better, my mate Des went years without an oven, because he ripped his old kitchen out in preparation for getting a new one fitted, then spunking the money to get it done in the bookies over the weekend.

Once he did get a new oven he threw two chicken kievs in there straight on the racks. Which 'melted' through the racks pissing garlic butter all over the bottom of the oven in the process.

[rectorofstiffkey]

If it makes you feel better, my mate Des went years without an oven, because he ripped his old kitchen out in preparation for getting a new one fitted, then spunking the money to get it done in the bookies over the weekend.

Once he did get a new oven he threw two chicken kievs in there straight on the racks. Which 'melted' through the racks pissing garlic butter all over the bottom of the oven in the process.

Actually, that does make me feel better.  And you've sparked up another memory for me, someone who shared our kitchen at university putting a pizza in a hot oven without removing the plastic base.  There were little stalactites of plastic hanging off the shelf....masters student in Engineering, he was.

[sponk]

Ingredients:
One you
One grave

Method:
Get in

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Good tips to navigate the maze of shash obfuscating your path to a sensible online recipe

1 - FUCK OFF BACK any recipe with superfluous life story preamble as no one gives a fucking shit about your attempt to become a Personality
2 - FUCK OFF BACK any North American recipes for non-North American dishes, as these are without fail nonsensical tasteless embarrassments written by vegetative medical waste
3 - GRAVE any recipe that fails to clearly explain a part of the process (even including preparation of white sauce), as this is by definition what a recipe should be there to do
4 - GRAVE any recipe that substitutes a major component for another simply because the author 'personally find its just as good'
5 - ROUND UP AND SHOOT anyone living East of LA, West of Toronto, South of Chicago and North of Austin who tries to write something even resembling a recipe for something that isn't CREAMED CORN

[seepage]

^ but like Forth, if you have a library of recipes the next one is more concise, e.g. for Creamed Corn in White Sauce: ADD CREAMED_CORN TO WHITE_SAUCE. Easy.

[idunnosomename]

recipe: spunk in a sock

ingredients
1 sock
a cup of cum

pour cum inside sock

enjoy

[Cold Meat Platter]

"1tbs of your favourite spice blend" or some kind of American "Old Anus Brand Seasoning" or other arcane hillbilly bullshit.

Tell me what spices to put in you complete belsen

[pupshaw]

Kosher Salt

[pancreas]

Kosher Salt

Quite. Not that I hate Jews or owt, but COME ON.

It’s fucking salt mate. Wave a Torah over some Table Salt and be done with it.

Edit: actually it’s a bit better than all that. Koshering seems to be a word for curing and so it’s the type of salt you use for curing. Not a religious thing per se.

[Blumf]

recipe: spunk in a sock

ingredients
1 sock
a cup of cum

pour cum inside sock

enjoy

Really needs about 10 paragraphs of you reminiscing about a trip to Barry Island.

[touchingcloth]

Quite. Not that I hate Jews or owt, but COME ON.

It’s fucking salt mate. Wave a Torah over some Table Salt and be done with it.

Edit: actually it’s a bit better than all that. Koshering seems to be a word for curing and so it’s the type of salt you use for curing. Not a religious thing per se.

No, you had it correct the first time round. It’s salt which has built illegal settlements on the Golan Heights and calls you an anti-saltite if you mention that fact as you plunge it into boiling liquid.

[touchingcloth]

Really needs about 10 paragraphs of you reminiscing about a trip to Barry Island.

All of this thread notwithstanding, a recipe would have my full and undivided attention if it started with “I remember the first time I had cum in a sock”.

[Birdie]

recipe: spunk in a sock

ingredients
1 sock
a cup of cum

pour cum inside sock

enjoy

Everyone knows you should weigh your cum.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Quite. Not that I hate Jews or owt, but COME ON.

It’s fucking salt mate. Wave a Torah over some Table Salt and be done with it.

Edit: actually it’s a bit better than all that. Koshering seems to be a word for curing and so it’s the type of salt you use for curing. Not a religious thing per se.

Ex wrestler and life guru Diamond Dallas Page insists on using Celtic Sea Salt. Fucking Diamond Cutter into grave.