Fucking online recipes

[idunnosomename]

Really needs about 10 paragraphs of you reminiscing about a trip to Barry Island.

as yes, well, dear reader. the first time i ever imbibed spunk in a sock was a beautiful august morning in the spring of 1977. I was at a party and decided to get drunk and try some whiskey to get my head in a better headspace. there was some old man with a straw hat and glasses standing there saying in a strange, sardonic voice that spunk ain't sodding no more and that all sodding is sodding now and he just can't imagine what it's like to live with this crap but it was cool nonetheless. but the sodding turned out to be in the form of an incredible collection of spunk and a buncha gourds floating around in my hair. i felt like there had to be some other way. well, at least there was something fun to drink that was "spunking" and was a good deal cheaper than all the spunk, so i did a little digging. I started at a place called Kildare's bar. it was in the city center, a pretty nice little spot with the barbed wire fence and the street lamp lighting, which was awesome. my first order was some sherry, but as much as i wanted to drink it all the time, it was just too much stuff for my taste.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Just gonna come out and say it, and say the only thing that should be measured in cups is tits.

[Blumf]

Everyone knows you should weigh your cum.

Tell that to 10cc!

[shiftwork2]

Tell that to 10cc!

I thought they just had a small motorbike.

[Icehaven]

recipe: spunk in a sock

ingredients
1 sock
a cup of cum

pour cum inside sock

enjoy

1 stick of sock.

[Dex Sawash]

1 stick of sock.

That's stale spunk in a sock

[Konki]

Pack of butter. A pack of butter?

Christ, I knew the UK was a desolate post-imperial wasteland, but this is a new low!

Butter comes in firm, girthy STICKS

Every cunt knows butter comes best in knobs.

Get a knob of butter down your Gregory.

[Bazooka]

I usually print out the recipe and cook the paper, it already has the required ingredients, so saves time and money.

[Epic Bisto]

It's easy to skip the flowery novelist crap, but like a poster above said, even if you tick all the options on your chosen search engine to look for UK sites only, there's still a shit ton of dumb American crap to sift through and decode.

Ironically, most of the most gluten-free recipes in a Facebook group with a twee name* have NO preambles and absolutely NO life history bullshit.  Ingredients, prep stuff, UK-friendly measurements, oven temperature.  That's it.  You would expect that a group like that would make a novel out of every recipe page, but it was refreshingly basic and no-nonsense.

*The wife has to be gluten-free under doctor's orders

[Emma Raducanu]

I used to use the BBC website for recipes. I was pretty happy with a Rick stein or James Martin recipe. I just had to filter out all recipes from ready steady cook as they were invariably created by a chef using a £5 shopping bag supplied by a know nothing who lives alone and enjoys Mars bars, tomatoes, sweetcorn and mushroom soup.

[Cuellar]

Most annoying thing about the BBC site is how it splits the 'Ingredients' and the 'Method' out into two separate tabs that you're forever flipping between. Who on earth thought that was a good idea.

[Sebastian Cobb]

The instructions on Lidl's brown rice claim you only need to boil it for 10 minutes. I can only assume whoever came up with that likes eating gravel.

[Twed]

Get a rice cooker if you regularly eat rice.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Had one in a house share, I thought it was shit. Especially bad for basmati.

[Dex Sawash]

RICEFIGHT

[H-O-W-L]

"add X to taste"

Fuck off, cunt!

[Cold Meat Platter]

"add X to taste"

Fuck off, cunt!

I feel I am of your tribe.

[Rizla]

Had one in a house share, I thought it was shit. Especially bad for basmati.

U wot mate. They work best for basmati in my experience, in fact basm is the only rice that can consistently be cooked properly every time without pre-soaking, draining in sieve etc. In rice cooker or in pot. Here is how.

2 parts rice to 2.5 parts water. Into pan with tight fitting lid. Bring to boil - as soon as it is boiling, turn as low as humanly possible. Leave it! 12 mins! No! Don't open the lid to check, it'll be fine. DON'T FORK IT, YOU'LL RELEASE THE STEAM AND IT WILL GO MUSHY YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

Uncle Ben Easy Cook my saggy arseflaps. Go to chinese supermarket and get bargain basmati.

End of rizla rice advice.

[Cold Meat Platter]

I would recommend also leaving it with the lid on for at least 5 mins after taking off the heat before stirring through to separate.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I only bother with the absorbtion method if I'm making flavoured rice like turmeric basmati or rice and peas. Too much hassle otherwise.

I just simmer basmati for 10 minutes then lob a kettle full of water over it in the colander.

[imitationleather]

Just get your mum to do it.

[Noodle Lizard]

I'm glad someone's finally articulated this frustration.  I just tried to follow a 5-ingredient Instant Pot recipe and now I know everything about some woman's lactose intolerant child.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Just get your mum to do it.

I'm not waiting 6+ hours for her to drive up here and cook it.

[pancreas]

In Indian rice cookery it is accepted to put butter in the pan and stir-fry the rice a little until translucent. This helps with separation. (Persian rice cookery, I think this is possibly not okay.)

Then the main issue is not whether you take the lid off or not, but whether you are stirring it while it is hot. If you do stir it while hot, then you will break the rice, or—*much worse*—dissolve starch into the cooking liquid, causing it to be gloopy. Do not agitate it significantly while hot.

Putting a lid on and not disturbing it is merely *useful*. It helps make sure the steam cooks the top of the rice, since the bottom will already by cooked by virtue of having spent most of the cooking time sitting in a puddle of water which it will have absorbed. There is this imbalance to the Indian absorption method.

The Persian method, which is actually much more reliable: boil rice in an excess of water (like you would pasta), but taste grains after 8-9 mins until just the very tiniest crunch in the middle of a grain remains. *Just* undercooked. Then drain and put into a pot with some butter and allow it to steam in the remaining juices just to finish off that last tiny crunch. You should if lucky get a tah-dig, which is a sort of crunchy rice cake at the bottom of the pan. The Iranians use barberries and LOADS AND LOADS of saffron too. Add at the end, since you'll lose it all in the excess water.

[Cold Meat Platter]

In Indian rice cookery it is accepted to put butter in the pan and stir-fry the rice a little until translucent. This helps with separation. (Persian rice cookery, I think this is possibly not okay.)

Then the main issue is not whether you take the lid off or not, but whether you are stirring it while it is hot. If you do stir it while hot, then you will break the rice, or—*much worse*—dissolve starch into the cooking liquid, causing it to be gloopy. Do not agitate it significantly while hot.

Putting a lid on and not disturbing it is merely *useful*. It helps make sure the steam cooks the top of the rice, since the bottom will already by cooked by virtue of having spent most of the cooking time sitting in a puddle of water which it will have absorbed. There is this imbalance to the Indian absorption method.

The Persian method, which is actually much more reliable: boil rice in an excess of water (like you would pasta), but taste grains after 8-9 mins until just the very tiniest crunch in the middle of a grain remains. *Just* undercooked. Then drain and put into a pot with some butter and allow it to steam in the remaining juices just to finish off that last tiny crunch. You should if lucky get a tah-dig, which is a sort of crunchy rice cake at the bottom of the pan. The Iranians use barberries and LOADS AND LOADS of saffron too. Add at the end, since you'll lose it all in the excess water.

Away and shit yersel

[Birdie]

I just cook rice in the microwave.  1 cup of rice (yes, cup) of rice takes 9 minutes.

Bish. Bash. And even Bosh if you like.

[Twed]

Had one in a house share, I thought it was shit. Especially bad for basmati.

Zojirushi mate.

I imagine they are quite shit for any rice that isn't designed to be eaten with chopsticks, though. I mostly eat short grained rice and it's perfect.

[Twit 2]

In Indian rice cookery it is accepted to put butter in the pan and stir-fry the rice a little until translucent. This helps with separation. (Persian rice cookery, I think this is possibly not okay.)

Then the main issue is not whether you take the lid off or not, but whether you are stirring it while it is hot. If you do stir it while hot, then you will break the rice, or—*much worse*—dissolve starch into the cooking liquid, causing it to be gloopy. Do not agitate it significantly while hot.

Putting a lid on and not disturbing it is merely *useful*. It helps make sure the steam cooks the top of the rice, since the bottom will already by cooked by virtue of having spent most of the cooking time sitting in a puddle of water which it will have absorbed. There is this imbalance to the Indian absorption method.

The Persian method, which is actually much more reliable: boil rice in an excess of water (like you would pasta), but taste grains after 8-9 mins until just the very tiniest crunch in the middle of a grain remains. *Just* undercooked. Then drain and put into a pot with some butter and allow it to steam in the remaining juices just to finish off that last tiny crunch. You should if lucky get a tah-dig, which is a sort of crunchy rice cake at the bottom of the pan. The Iranians use barberries and LOADS AND LOADS of saffron too. Add at the end, since you'll lose it all in the excess water.

I sincerely hope you stand behind people in kitchens reciting all that verbatim and tutting (prancing around finger-wagging and performing exaggerated scare quote hand gestures in the place of the asterisks).

Seriously, though, I genuinely am considering not seeing my parents anymore and one of the primary reasons is the unsatisfactory way they cook vegetables. This shit matters.

[Huxleys Babkins]

"add X to taste"

Fuck off, cunt!

Yes! Especially when X is a major component or an especially strong flavour. I'm not balancing the flavours of your fucking recipe, mate. That was your job.

[touchingcloth]

In Indian rice cookery it is accepted to put butter in the pan and stir-fry the rice a little until translucent. This helps with separation. (Persian rice cookery, I think this is possibly not okay.)

Then the main issue is not whether you take the lid off or not, but whether you are stirring it while it is hot. If you do stir it while hot, then you will break the rice, or—*much worse*—dissolve starch into the cooking liquid, causing it to be gloopy. Do not agitate it significantly while hot.

Putting a lid on and not disturbing it is merely *useful*. It helps make sure the steam cooks the top of the rice, since the bottom will already by cooked by virtue of having spent most of the cooking time sitting in a puddle of water which it will have absorbed. There is this imbalance to the Indian absorption method.

The Persian method, which is actually much more reliable: boil rice in an excess of water (like you would pasta), but taste grains after 8-9 mins until just the very tiniest crunch in the middle of a grain remains. *Just* undercooked. Then drain and put into a pot with some butter and allow it to steam in the remaining juices just to finish off that last tiny crunch. You should if lucky get a tah-dig, which is a sort of crunchy rice cake at the bottom of the pan. The Iranians use barberries and LOADS AND LOADS of saffron too. Add at the end, since you'll lose it all in the excess water.

You need to eat it with Taye Diggs?