Opening theme!INT.DRAWING ROOM.MORNING
FARMER BOYCE:
MAR-LENE?!? Where's the bath salts? I'm gunna take a
deep bath!MARLENE (reading paper): THEY'RE IN THE LOWER-PRESS, BOYCIE - AND THERE'S NO NEED TO SHOUT!
AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHA!!!
BOYCIE: Good... I, er… need to get this
red paint off meself.
MARLENE:
That's interesting... it says here in
The Shropshire Gazette that seven people where found butchered in a field last night!
BOYCIE: O-oh,
really?! That's
awful!
BOYCIE gives a suspicious look to camera.AUDIENCE: OHHOHAHAHAHA!!!
ELGIN: Oh
hello, Farmer Boyce!
MARLENE:
Mornin', Elgin! How's life?
ELGIN: Er, not
bad, not
bad, Mrs. Boyce... but I have some sad news regarding Mrs. Cakeworthy and her husband. They were both found
decapitated this morning!
MARLENE: Oh that
sucks! Who would
do such a thing?
Close-up of Boycie looking directly down the camera lens!AUDIENCE: OH-HOOT, YAH-HAH!
INTERIOR.PUB.AFTERNOON
RAY:
There you go, Llewellyn, a nice pint of amber ale!
LLEWELLYN: Now
there's lovely,
thank you, Ray! Now I'm just off over to speak with the boyos!
LLEWELLYN goes and sits with the lads at the table.BRYAN: 'ere Llewellyn, did you 'ear about Mrs. Cakeworthy and her husband?
LLEWELLYN:
Yes, Bryan, it were
terr-ible! Meanwhile, some friends of mine just down the road in Wales were
hacked to pieces last night!
JED: Fuckin' 'ell.
TYLER: That's funny... dad was gone all last night and he came home covered in
red paint!AUDIENCE: HAHA!!!
Suddenly Boycie comes in.FARM BOYCIE: Ah
there you are, Tyler... listen, tell your mother I've decided to stay a little longer in town... I need to get a load of things from the hardware shop... and I, er,
might be back late, tonight!
AUDIENCE: Chuckle!
TYLER: Oh
dad! I'm meeting Beth in a minute! And I've practice with my grunge band later!
JED: What's
grunge?AUDIENCE: HA!!!
TYLER: Radiohead, Puddle of Mudd, somefink loike
thaught!BOYCIE: Yes, well, never mind... oh by the way, your granny's coming to stay this weekend!
TYLER: Mum had a
different actress mum in
Fools... now she's June Whitfield!
LLEWELLYN:
Yeeess, the actress who plays her sister looks familiar
too! By the way, Boycie, what do you make of all these killings?
FARMING BOYCIE: I blame the Driscoll Brothers!
AUDIENCE: HAH!
INT.KITCHEN.NEXT MORNING
MARLENE: Oh
Boycie! There you are! Didn't you
hear? There's been more slashing!
ELGIN: Oh, Farmer Boyce, Dobbin the horse wants a word!
EXT.GARDEN.MORNING.
DOBBIN THE HORSE: I witnessed you commit some of them murders in the field last night, Boycie. I want a million pound and all the hay I can eat or I go to the authorities!
BOYCIE: Fancy some horse meat for tonight, Marlene?
AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHA!!!
THE END!
