CALL 1-800 EAT SHIT

[The Boston Crab]

What's the last time you told someone to SUCK IT?


Can you remember when you eyeballed a fool and said SWIVEL?


You ever just stare someone down and flip the damn BIRD?


___

[Blumf]

SIT ON IT!

[The Boston Crab]

Ouch...

BUSTED.

I do this kind of thing all the time, or I used to, but I dunno. I feel like I don't have to live like that any more. It's pretty nice, feels like a relief.

[biggytitbo]

GET OUT OF IT YOU WAZZOCK

[madhair60]

The other day a cyclist came within a flea's cunt hair of running me down and I went TWAT but he was already gone

[The Boston Crab]

Some guy bumped into me with his trolley in the supes (supermarket) and I said:

What did you do THAT for?

It was like the shittest angry reaction I've ever had to anything. I honestly thought I've changed. What a poove.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

My job involves writing letters, about 30% of these letters are in response to unjustified complaints against our firm and so I absolutely compose letters saying

Dear Sir/Madam

I heard you were unhappy about x issue happening/not happening during the course of your involvement with out firm.

EAT SHIT YOU WHINING ENTITLED TURD

YEAH HAVE SOME MORE BEAT DOWN IN A FRANKLY BARNSTORMING PARAGRAPH OF SHIT EATINGLY Smug POMPOUS DOMINATION YOU WRONG WRONG CUNT

YEAH

YEAH YOU WERE WRONG WEREN'T YOU.

Thank you for bringing this matter to my attention as all feedback we receive, positive or negative, helps us understand how we can work better.

I am sorry this did not work out as you or I hoped it would but I trust I have explained why this was and cordially invite you to EAT A BUCKET OF SHIT now and in the future

Kind regards

Smug, invisible cunt behind a desk

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I don't enjoy all aspects of my job but I practically have a semi by the time one of those is composed.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I send a lot of compensation to people we have fucked over by being incompetent too.

[biggytitbo]

I once wrote to the chairman of Stagecoach saying I would like him to die in a gas explosion.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I once write to the chairman of Stagecoach saying I would like him to die in a gas explosion.

What he say wen u writed??

[biggytitbo]

He sent a nee-nah car round ☹️

[shiftwork2]

That's the Brian Rix fella who *whooops!* cannot keep his kecks on, the dirty bastard?  *whoooops* there they go, his trousers, and now he's into a cupboard and his mistress is running around in her undies and her bowler-hatted hubby has just returned home oh no what's going to happen now in stitches Whitehall farce Ray Cooney falling about laughing

Oh sorry it's Brian Souter the prim homophobe.

[Replies From View]

EMPTY YOUR SLACKS, HYBRID

[weekender]

A man was walking down a street in Birmingham today, yelling at his girlfriend "DO YOU THINK I'M A CUNT?  IF YOU THINK I'M A CUNT, CALL ME A CUNT!"

I was very tempted to just chirpily eyeball him and say "OK, I think you're a cunt!" with a massive shit-eating grin on my face.

Thought better of it, he was one of a group of 6.

This post possibly doesn't fit here, but I'm waiting for a hook-a-duck package to be delivered, as I have to run the aforementioned stall at a village fete on Saturday.

[shiftwork2]

This post possibly doesn't fit here, but I'm waiting for a hook-a-duck package to be delivered, as I have to run the aforementioned stall at a village fete on Saturday.

It's quite a few years now you've been doing that, are you still enjoying it?

[Replies From View]

I didn't know they were still doing hook a duck


Why do you have to buy a new one each time?

[alan nagsworth]

A couple of weeks ago I was at a gig, finally having the pleasure of watching Justice Yeldham play a set after years of wanting to. He performed on the floor, everyone was well into it, all up close and gawping down at him like, and this proper pissed up goon saunters through everyone and stops right in front of yer man, swaying about in a "whooaaa noise set, gonna do my far-out-and-freaky dancing" sorta way. He does this for about 3 seconds before stalling to take stock of the situation, and then leans in to Yeldham, who as per his standard performances is jamming a fucking huge jagged piece of glass in his gob and yelling and writhing about, and shouts right in his ear "ARE YOU PLAYING A SET RIGHT NOW??"

Poor Justice politely does his best to acknowledge the chap, takes the big hunk of glass from his chops and nods "yes". That should be enough for anyone, right? No, man. This spangled clown contemplates the information he's just received in his ear along with the visual spectacle for a second, and then he tries to start asking him something else!! The crowd immediately started getting shirty about it. I cannot stand people talking at gigs, but this guy was beyond. I'm not often very confrontational but I grabbed his shoulder, swung him to face me and bellowed "MATE. FUCK OFF" right in his baffled little visage.

His whole world of fun seemed to vanish from his once inquisitive and joyful eyes. Bless him, in fairness almost everyone else playing that night was doing beat-heavy dance stuff from footwork to breakcore and all that, he didn't know what was going on here. But I was really enjoying this set and he was killing the vibe right away. He slunk away totally dejected. It isn't a big venue, and I didn't see him for the rest of the night. I'm pretty sure I sent the poor shite home.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Nice I knew there was going to be a good nagsworth EAT SHIT anecdote

[Twed]

What's the last time you told someone to SUCK IT?

Yesterday in my job as porn director

Can you remember when you eyeballed a fool and said SWIVEL?

Yesterday in my job at the "identify court comedians and instruct them to turn" factory

You ever just stare someone down and flip the damn BIRD?

Yesterday in a game of "look at Peter as you terrorise a budgie"

[Beagle 2]

I was cycling on the path the other day because I live nearby and the road is really busy and dicey as fuck, middle of a weekday, no cunt around apart from this one old giffer who eyeballed me from miles away and as I approached shouted at me that it's illegal to ride on a public footpath so I told him to FUCK OFF. "OH FFFUCK OFF", I said to him, bravely.

So yeah I'm the sort of person who rides on the path and tells old men to fuck off it seems, that's my main hobby now.

[Famous Mortimer]

I often dress up as Calvin off of Calvin and Hobbes and piss on the shirt of a football team I don't particularly care for, while smiling, if that helps.

[Dex Sawash]

I think crab has made up this 1-800 number

[PlanktonSideburns]

screamed FUCKING CUNT FLOWERS at the top of my cock this morning

[non capisco]

I think crab has made up this 1-800 number

I phoned it and it said 'HELLO, ALEISTER CROWLEY TAKEAWAY, CAN I HELP YOU?'

[non capisco]

ALEISTER CROWLEY, he was a laugh, weren't he?

"You splutter foul words
Through your supper of turds"

That was honestly a line from one of his shocking transgressive poems. Ooh, imagine eating poo. What is for supper, mother? It is turds, my child! Not lamb chops as you were expecting! What a fucking hack.