Starting a new job tomorrow

[Jasha]

what should I do to make a good impression?

[Noddy Tomkey]

Seek out the biggest man and knock him out, they'll be eating out of your hand after that.

[Rizla]

just do the ones you are best at. or mix it up, do Rigsby saying all of e.g Frank Spencer's catchphrases, that would be good.

[shiftwork2]

Congratulations on starting a new job tomorrow.  It's a great opportunity to develop your career.  My advice is to go in hard.

[Nowhere Man]

Do a few of your best impersonations of Michael Caine, Corbett, Brucie etc Sure to impress then. JUST DONT DO THE SAVILLE ONE

[Birdie]

Bring cupcakes.

That's a thing these days I understand.

[touchingcloth]

Update your LinkedIn with details as soon as you've started and make sure to at least share if not produce some content in the form of articles or blogs that you can promote on the platform as it's one of the best ways to power your career to the next level.

[Small Man Big Horse]

I always try to hide my true personality. There's been many a time about six months in to a job where someone's said "You're not the person I thought I was hiring at all. But I do still want to have sex with you". And then we had sex. And it was very, very nice.

[Absorb the anus burn]

Update your LinkedIn with details as soon as you've started and make sure to at least share if not produce some content in the form of articles or blogs that you can promote on the platform as it's one of the best ways to power your career to the next level.

Or try and wait till you get home to do a smelly shit.

[Cuellar]

Turn up late and say 'Thanks for waiting' when you arrive. Makes you seem POWERFUL.

[idunnosomename]

shave your bumcrack. so no bits of shit get stuck in your hairy arse.

[jobotic]

Offer everyone a cigarette. If there are any ladies light theirs for them.

[imitationleather]

Don't have more than one bottle of wine on your first morning.

[Pearly-Dewdrops Drops]

Take a shit in the breakroom when nobody is looking (make sure there are no security cameras). The office will be so distracted by the mystery that nobody will even pay attention to your work for the first couple weeks as you ease in.

[Emma Raducanu]

Ask whose cock you have to suck to get a decent cup of tea around here.

[græskar]

Cut your hand and work the whole day while bleeding to show your stamina and dedication. A recession is coming and only the fittest will survive.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I started a new job a while back. My surname starts with 'row' and can be pronounced like the ruck or like what you do with a boat and when my new boss asked how it should be pronounced I answered with 'I dunno'.

[Jockice]

Piss all over your desk. Mark your territory.

[Ham Bap]

Take out the biggest one there with a snooker ball in a sock and scream "IM THE DADDY NOW".
They'll respect you after that.

[Phoenix Lazarus]

what should I do to make a good impression?

Put on a beret, and go 'Mmmm, Betty,' in a high nervous voice.

[New folder]

just be yourself hun x

[Glebe]

Best of luck mate!

[The Lurker]

Enjoy yourself, enjoy the moment and - most importantly - just don't be fucking shit, alright?

I always try to hide my true personality. There's been many a time about six months in to a job where someone's said "You're not the person I thought I was hiring at all. But I do still want to have sex with you". And then we had sex. And it was very, very nice.

I once had a boss say to me "You're not the same person you were in the interview." We didn't have sex though. What did I do wrong?

I was going to say "Yeah, I know, I got my twin brother to do the interview for me" but I thought that would make matters worse.

[shiftwork2]

How did starting a new job tomorrow?

We want an analysis of rivals, fancyables, future "it's a shit business" mates, everything really.  You should have all this in the bag by now.

[touchingcloth]

Did you do the LinkedIn thing? Let me know if you want more tips or someone to cast an eye over your profile to check for common errors :)

[Mr Farenheit]

Put framed photographs of 3 different aged children on your desk.

When someone asks, 'oh are those your kids?' say, 'nah, I just like kids.'

A week later swap them for photographs of different children.

[Small Man Big Horse]

I once had a boss say to me "You're not the same person you were in the interview." We didn't have sex though. What did I do wrong?

Did you wear clothes to work? If so that's a pretty huge mistake to make.

[weekender]

Brain can't answer until brain knows what the new job is.

#weekendernotautistic

[Jasha]

How did starting a new job tomorrow?

We want an analysis of rivals, fancyables, future "it's a shit business" mates, everything really.  You should have all this in the bag by now.

So far I've had £412 on the firm but for that I do have to spend the week in Gloucester for an induction, boss reeling off all the dodges he's previously had with the company credit card (usually to obtain more alcohol)