Neighbour Types

[bgmnts]

Okay so the other day I did a thread about people who get into blazing rows or just scream their heads off pissed up in the street, and it got me thinking, there are loads of different types of people living on your street or estate and lets talk about them!

For full disclosure I live in a Housing Association estate so it's full of scummers and down-on-their-luckers so your mileage may vary as to how much of this will appeal.

Off the top of my head you have the:

Screamers - as previously discussed,
Druggers - Usually on benefits and wear tracksuits exclusively, their place smells of weed,
Dealers - usually seen in a boy racer which doubles as an office,
Thumpers - will play pumping techno music full blast until 4,
Drinkers - their recycle bins are full of cans, rarely leave the house.
Swaggers - cocky blokes, will get in a fight with anyone who looks at them funny. Walk like Liam Gallagher in his prime.
Abusers - obviously duffing up his missus but no questions asked sadly.
Law-breakers - always on the take, seen wearing a different pair of trainers every week.
Gossipers - wont shut the fuck up about everyone else's business
Twitchers - always looking out at everyone else through the window and judging (me)

Now this is just the kind of places i've lived in, i've also been in a decent, boring suburban kinds of streets where the old fella next door was a nice bloke etc.
Anyone know any other types on the street/estate? I know Barry Admin deals with a particular cunt set of neighbours if memory serves!

[biggytitbo]

I have Neanderthal man living next door.

[Ray Travez]

I've lived on a few council estates. When I lived in Moss Side, there was always one person who, in Summertime, would open their windows wide and play reggae music loud enough to be heard four blocks away.

There's also Massive Tropical Fishtank Man. His main feature is that he's got a massive tropical fishtank. All the fish are tiny and they glow blue in the dark for some reason. I guess that's how they ended up in a tank as opposed to, say, a stickleback.

[canadagoose]

Current place: Nice Person to right, Swagger to left (small aggressive Spanish man. He's a right cunt)
Last place: Empty to right, Thumper opposite, Twitcher opposite-to-right (enjoyed whinging about people putting cardboard out on the landing)

Edit: What about...

Loud Posh Students - self-explanatory. Blast music at stupid hours in the morning, and during the day.
Smelly Old Man - you can smell his flat from the stair. It's that bad.
Rough Family - with three kids who graffiti and leave rubbish everywhere, and the close stinks of fag smoke and damp outside their door

[Dex Sawash]

Direct across, empty  - ghosters

Diag left, old couple always doing landscaping in funny hats- 
-mad hatters

Diag right, have run into own house with car 2x, that I've seen in the year I've lived here- carhole-rammers

Right- never seen them but cars move-  ghosters2

Left, have a 2 year old girl who looks dim as fuck- breeders

Behind, Adam and dunno, lets call her Melanie. Nice and have a very handsome beagle named Charlie- doggers

[Small Man Big Horse]

I moved in to a new place recently and one of my housemates is a rapper and one of his songs has over 2 million views on youtube. Nice chap too, but it came as quite a surprise when I discovered he was doing so well for himself, especially given that he's still living in a shared house in Walthamstow.

[Icehaven]

I fucking hate having neighbours and ideally would live in a hut or caravan in the middle of a field at least half a mile from anyone else, but unfortunately finances and circumstances make this impossible so I'm stuck sharing walls and floors with the cunts.

One thing I know though is never, ever, if it can be avoided, live in a downstairs flat. Some of the most appalling and mental neighbours I've known of have been made that way by living with the constant but not excessive noise of the people upstairs simply walking around or closing doors. Unless you're stone deaf, away a lot or unaturally chilled out it'll drive you crazy, so avoid at all costs unless desperate.

[Konki]

My neighbour on the left lives with his 90 year old mum, is in his late 40s and is a massive fan of Doctor Who. Which one of you is it?

[Neville Chamberlain]

I have Neanderthal man living next door.

Did he vote Brexit lololol ;-)))

[hamfist]

My neighbours ran over their mower cable.

Asked to borrow mine.

When I got it back the motor was bent out of the mountings.

Their name : Mawer.

[grassbath]

You forgot Flashers (people who habitually walk around naked with the curtains open). I am one.

[Buelligan]

I'm verging on one too.  Builds up on you.  Creeps.  Once upon a time, could only peer outside in black tie and full maquillage, now chats to postie in pants but the change is so slow, one hardly notices.

My neighbours include an old old man, who bellows, bawls hatefully and regularly, at his equally ancient wife.  Withered and bent as a mountain pine, she is.  White and silver with piteous eyes.  Silent as one too.  He snores abominably.

Sometimes I ruminate on murdering him.  I think we'd all be happier.

Also nearby, actual Lou Reed Dracula.  Only moves at night.  Very pleasant though. 

And the shit-bag holiday man but he's only there for holidays. 

Everywhere else is empty.  Except for the cats.  Swarms of cats.

[Neville Chamberlain]

That's a lot of neighbours, buellers! I thought you lived ten miles from the nearest human animal - do you live on a sort of "caving estate"?

[Blue Jam]

I live in Edinburgh, so all my neighbours are Airbnb Twats.

[Neville Chamberlain]

I live in Edinburgh, so all my neighbours are Airbnb Twats.

This is the problem afflicting my cousin who lives in central bloody Bath.

[Blue Jam]

This weekend was pretty unpleasant. On Saturday morning I was woken up by a family of Airbnb Twats dragging a load of wheelie cases down the stairs at 5am.Then the Airbnb Twats in the flat above us seemed to be constantly crashing about the place, not playing any music but talking really loudly, and at one point some of them were actually standing out on the stairwell and singing (who the fuck does that?). I asked them to keep the noise down and they did, before the crashing about resumed at 4am. I barely got any sleep all weekend.

I'm so fucking glad Fringe is almost over. And the sooner Embra council actually fucking do something about Airbnb Twats the better.

[Buelligan]

That's a lot of neighbours, buellers! I thought you lived ten miles from the nearest human animal - do you live on a sort of "caving estate"?

All neighbours are relative Nev.  Ask an Australian.

[Blue Jam]

All neighbours are relative Nev.  Ask an Australian.

Mr Jam and I have discussed moving to Easter Island...

[Neville Chamberlain]

I knew someone who lived on Easter Island. He said his neighbours were a bit stony-faced!

[imitationleather]

All neighbours are relative Nev.

Ah, so like when I used to live quite near my Nan?

[Blue Jam]

When we went to Easter Island our neighbours were three cats and a sausage dog. That's pretty close to my ideal.

[Bently Sheds]

Loud Outside Talkers - my next door neighbour spends all day having shouted conversations on speakerphone. Last year she was yelling at someone about her DLA not coming through. If the weather is bad she sits in the conservatory and does it instead.

Her boyfriend's kid visited yesterday & at quarter to midnight he was  shouting at Match of the Day and bellowing for his dad to come and look at this ridiculous offside.

The people two doors down are the same; loud speakerphone conversations and family arguments in the garden for all to hear.

[Rich Uncle Skeleton]

This is the problem afflicting my cousin who lives in central bloody Bath.

It really did creep up! I didn't realise how many airbnbs there are there.

Im away for a few months so escaped the usual swarm of summer hen nights (or rather the increased number) but there were three airbnbs on this tiny street where I used to live in the centre and even if only one was booked for the weekend it was carnage.

[Attila]

Loud Outside Talkers - my next door neighbour spends all day having shouted conversations on speakerphone. Last year she was yelling at someone about her DLA not coming through. If the weather is bad she sits in the conservatory and does it instead.

Her boyfriend's kid visited yesterday & at quarter to midnight he was  shouting at Match of the Day and bellowing for his dad to come and look at this ridiculous offside.

The people two doors down are the same; loud speakerphone conversations and family arguments in the garden for all to hear.

We have this type in the house behind Mr Attila's. I've known him 10 years now, and the moment the weather is nice, these twats move into their garden from dawn til after sunset. Never shut up. What baffles me about them are the children -- in 10 years, they have not aged past a fussy, weepy baby and a gabbling whiney three year old. I think they just get a new set in every year.

Highlights: they installed a gigantic motion-sensor light that towers over their back garden which means any meteor shower viewing, ISS fun, any sort of nighttime star gazing in our back garden, forget about it. Also, the dad stays up til all hours to watch porn -- there's nothing like lying in the back garden, watching the Perseids, when all is silent and calm on the estate, except for what sounds like cheesey 70s porn spilling out from their back window, crystal clear in the silence of the night.

The only time I had a real pop at them was the afternoon we had the funeral for Mr Attila's poor little Amy-cat. She was 18, but her last day was not an easy one, and Mr Attila had to take her to the vet's to help her along on her journey. He was out there working away to dig a little patch for her, quietly weeping, and the entire fucking time Madame in the other garden is YACK YACK YACK on her mobile, mobile constantly going off with an annoying ringtone and text alarm tone. I was doing my best to sit with him while he sorted out the grave and that, but finally blew a gasket at the Missus, shouting over the fence, 'Will you shut the fuck UP for once?!'

He installed a pink rose bush over the grave for Amy to turn in to. She had lots of really big, fragrant rose-kittens this past summer.

Here she is, driving the XM

[Alberon]

We've got a 60s built semi-detached. The walls are too thin and if someone is only halfway loud you can hear everything. At the moment next door is occupied by an Eastern-European woman and we never hear anything. We're probably a far bigger nuisance to her and we're not loud.

When we first moved in the place was empty for about eighteen months. That was fine until squirrels started nesting in the loft next door. You could hear them skittering about at night and it drove us bonkers. The young family who were there after that were nice, but loud and thoughtless.

One of the back gardens that adjoins onto ours has a young family. He's Italian but his wife is English. Again, very nice people, but half the time they're shouting as if they're standing next to the speakers at a gig.

Their ten year old kid has one volume level which is cement mixer with ball bearings in.

I suppose I shouldn't complain. It's only in some of the early evenings or during the day at weekends and holidays. Not at 4am.

[Jasha]

The FixerUpper - forever drilling and sawing, every weekend starts with a trip to B&Q for the new kitchen/bathroom/random lengths of timber and plasterboard. Dug up the front lawn then replaced it with artificial greengrocer stall grass. Dug up his concrete front path with a kanga then relaid it with block paving. The path is all of 8 feet long. Front door replaced twice within the space of 3 years.

[Cold Meat Platter]

The Mr. Jolly - verbal abuse on the stairs, constant chainsawing and blood splatters combined with blaring music.

[honeychile]

We are council and a few of the others on our street still are, but a lot of our neighbours houses have been bought by the current or previous tenants. So one neighbour type i've noticed is the Pillar of the Community. Spends large amounts of time with garage door open, working on things round the front of the house in broad public view, having an excuse to see other people go by. When indoors, curtains are always wide open (no nets or blinds) to be able to monitor people going past. Always waves and says high to people passing by, but more than a minute's conversation reveals them to be a reactionary of victorian proportions. Believes they are respected and held dear as a Pillar of the Community by their neighbours, while the rest of us wait for the evening when a group of those Facebook paedo hunters show up at their front door with the cameras rolling.

[Poobum]

One thing I know though is never, ever, if it can be avoided, live in a downstairs flat. Some of the most appalling and mental neighbours I've known of have been made that way by living with the constant but not excessive noise of the people upstairs simply walking around or closing doors. Unless you're stone deaf, away a lot or unaturally chilled out it'll drive you crazy, so avoid at all costs unless desperate.

Agreed. Lived the best part of two years underneath a heavy set fellow who'd sleep all day and stomp around all night. He'd find the fucking need to open and shut every fucking creaking door every time he left a room, why he couldn'the just leave them fuckiing open I don't know. Drawers and cupboards were the same, just no fucking awareness. He had a chair that he'd drag across a wooden floor with an ear splitting scream. Every noise he made made me flinch, and would convince me of his further evil.

I got obsessed with him, filling with cruel hatred. I got to despise his stupid cheap fucking haircut, and the way he wore the same set of clothes every time I saw him. I hated the sound of his nasal southern voice. The catastrophe of his physical condition and enfeeblement disgusted me. The fact that he was a barely functioning 35yo man whose mum would regularly berate him for keeping his flat a shithole gave me vicarious glee.

As he'd stomp around laughing at whatever shit TV he liked at 1am I'd fantasise about smashing his legs to pieces with a snooker cue until he had bone meal for knees. If I had less self control I would have crimed him or given in to spiteful abuse every time he "wronged" me with another load of intrusive noise. That's what amounted to in my brain, that he was doing something to me, that he was robbing me of much needed peace in my homely place. It was a horrible frame of mind to catch myself slipping in to, and I ended being more easily annoyed at everyone. Thankfuly I have enough self awareness that I did manage to hold onto some empathy and was always polite, and to be fair he did try to be quieter when I politely mentioned it, which mainly involved dragging the chair slowly across the floor instead which was not better. Of course to him he's just walking around putting plates away, and also the sound proofing is aweful.

He moved about three months ago and upstairs has been empty ever since, it's been bliss. No more ear plugs, horrible things.

[Bently Sheds]

Here she is, driving the XM

Awww, what a lovely kitty!