Neighbour Types

[salr]

Here she is, driving the XM

Does it still run? Love those old french battle-busses.

Nice cat too!

[shiftwork2]

Exhibitionists at number 6.  One can maybe forget to close the curtains once, but three times in as many months?  It's become a ritual for Friday nights now, turn the corner and see the neighbours banging away.

[kngen]

I recieved the best news I've had all year on Sunday. My neighbour to the right - the nosiest, most boring blowhard you are ever likely to meet, is being kicked out by his partner after she came into money, and realised she doesn't need him around any more. Compared to some other neighbours I've endured (and got into actual physical confrontations with), he's pretty harmless. But by christ he's annoying, and is fucking obsessive about leaves. I was dreading autumn arriving and having him 1) get up at 6am every morning with his leafblower and clear them off his roof. (The amount of times my first encounter with the day is looking out my window and seeing him, shirt off and stood on his roof, blasting a few oak leaves around with an industrial jet as the morning sun refracts and shimmers off his distended, eight-months-pregnant beer belly), and 2) making passive-aggressive comments about leaves from my yard ending up in his. 'What? Have you had them fucking DNA tested?' was my response during one of our more heated exchanges.

He's also a loud speakerphone talker, and will sit in his front yard, not long after sunrise, waiting to pounce on anyone foolish enough to walk their dogs past our house so he can impart his dog-whispering wisdoms. (Oh yeah, he takes in shelter dogs and 'trains' them, which means shouting at them a bit while they bark incessantly.) So, while I try and slink out of the house for an early-morning bike ride, the first sounds I'll hear are him shouting on his phone, or shouting across the street to some poor sod about their inferior choice of dog leash. Then he'll catch me trying to creep past him and faux-cheerily castigate me for not dealing with the poison ivy that he's warned me about before, even though it's clearly coming out of his side of the fucking fence.

I saw a removal truck parked outside their house at the weekend, and thought: 'Don't get your hopes up.' But it's true - he's being booted out! I'm so fucking happy!!! Fuck off forever, Rick!

[Sherringford Hovis]

Poor Rick.

[Phoenix Lazarus]

I have Neanderthal man living next door.

The whole species?

[Buelligan]

I recieved the best news I've had all year on Sunday. My neighbour to the right - the nosiest, most boring blowhard you are ever likely to meet, is being kicked out by his partner after she came into money, and realised she doesn't need him around any more. Compared to some other neighbours I've endured (and got into actual physical confrontations with), he's pretty harmless. But by christ he's annoying, and is fucking obsessive about leaves. I was dreading autumn arriving and having him 1) get up at 6am every morning with his leafblower and clear them off his roof. (The amount of times my first encounter with the day is looking out my window and seeing him, shirt off and stood on his roof, blasting a few oak leaves around with an industrial jet as the morning sun refracts and shimmers off his distended, eight-months-pregnant beer belly), and 2) making passive-aggressive comments about leaves from my yard ending up in his. 'What? Have you had them fucking DNA tested?' was my response during one of our more heated exchanges.

He's also a loud speakerphone talker, and will sit in his front yard, not long after sunrise, waiting to pounce on anyone foolish enough to walk their dogs past our house so he can impart his dog-whispering wisdoms. (Oh yeah, he takes in shelter dogs and 'trains' them, which means shouting at them a bit while they bark incessantly.) So, while I try and slink out of the house for an early-morning bike ride, the first sounds I'll hear are him shouting on his phone, or shouting across the street to some poor sod about their inferior choice of dog leash. Then he'll catch me trying to creep past him and faux-cheerily castigate me for not dealing with the poison ivy that he's warned me about before, even though it's clearly coming out of his side of the fucking fence.

I saw a removal truck parked outside their house at the weekend, and thought: 'Don't get your hopes up.' But it's true - he's being booted out! I'm so fucking happy!!! Fuck off forever, Rick!

See, this is why it's good that most people don't live in America.  Imagine the restraint required to wait for the denouement whilst living under their lax gun laws.  Hats off to you, kngen, I'm not even joking.

[Attila]

Does it still run? Love those old french battle-busses.

Nice cat too!

Cheers -- Amy was old Mr Kitty's sister, and 18 was a good innings for her.

The reason the XM became her outdoor playhouse/cat bed was that the entire driver's side back of it was stove in; Mr Attila got hit from behind by a van full of melons. It sounds like something someone would pay good money for, but sadly, it was a literally van loaded with produce who slammed into him on the motorway.

I think if he could still get the parts, he would happily be driving an XM. He recently switched his loyalties from Citroen to the world's blandest Mercedes station wagon (can't remember the word for it over here -- estate?)

Amy and Mr Kitty in their salad days on the roof of the XM



Congrats, kgnen :)

[poo]

Mine are all fine. Nice people. No worries.

[Alberon]

Yeah, but what do they think about you?

[Jerzy Bondov]

The FixerUpper - forever drilling and sawing, every weekend starts with a trip to B&Q for the new kitchen/bathroom/random lengths of timber and plasterboard. Dug up the front lawn then replaced it with artificial greengrocer stall grass. Dug up his concrete front path with a kanga then relaid it with block paving. The path is all of 8 feet long. Front door replaced twice within the space of 3 years.

I've got one of these. Travis Perkins lorries going up and down all the time, big bags of bricks and stuff sitting on the driveway. Presumably once he's finished something he just takes it all down and does it again. Honestly if your house is that shite that you've got to replace every brick why did you buy it in the first place?

I'm the type of neighbour that looks out the window and tuts and complains to the internet and my wife but then when you see me on the street I'm really friendly and call you mate.

[checkoutgirl]

never, ever, if it can be avoided, live in a downstairs flat.

It's not just people walking around in their apartments but everyone on every floor has to come in the front door and I feel sorry for the poor bleeders who live in those places right beside the front door. They must be able to hear every bastard going to work in the morning and returning in the evening and more besides.

My neighbours aren't too bad. Next door are Asians whose cooking smells I don't appreciate. A few doors down and across there was a Eastern European trio, one of which was a young woman whose shrill cackling reverberated around the whole place. They seem to have gone though. The Crossfit gym across the way is still there as the council whip into extremely slow action to get rid of them. They're the biggest nuisance.

Other than that the only bother is the parade of screaming children that can't shut up for 2 seconds. The parents really should tell them to fuck up when they're in the hallways as there's no insulation between the halls and nearby apartments.

[bgmnts]

This news story annoyed me a tad:

https://www.standard.co.uk/news/world/more-than-2000-people-plan-bbq-at-home-of-vegan-who-sued-neighbour-a4228941.html?amp


I'd love to sue my horrible cunt neighbours.

Also the anti-vegan bit of cuntery is special too.

[José]

300lb schizophrenic attempted murderer with long list of previous for assaults upstairs, paper thin floors, non-existent acoustic insulation. this guy moved in after a violent teen artist prone to auditory hallucinations and bouts of paranoia (couldnt handle his weed i reckon) got himself kicked out for breaking every single line of his tenancy agreement. guy before him was a nice, normal enough dude who had some kind of nervous breakdown and tried to off himself with a paracetemol overdose.

how can anyone be this unlucky you're probably asking?

the flat in question looks like a cross between a magistrates court and the assembly hall in hogwarts. it has this insanely ugly wood panelling that was salvaged from a sunken galleon, so it bascially self selects for nutters (except the suicide guy, he was moved in there from another flat in the building that had water damage. it only took a couple months for the pirate ghosts to get inside his head and whisper promises of sweet oblivion.)

luckily biffa batshit's moving out soon, so hopefully we'll get a short period of peace and quiet before the wreck of the erebus attracts fresh hell.

[Hat FM]

This news story annoyed me a tad:

https://www.standard.co.uk/news/world/more-than-2000-people-plan-bbq-at-home-of-vegan-who-sued-neighbour-a4228941.html?amp


I'd love to sue my horrible cunt neighbours.

Also the anti-vegan bit of cuntery is special too.

surely she'll just go away for the weekend when the bbq is planned right?

[imitationleather]

She lives in Australia. There's nowhere worth going.

[Icehaven]

Having a barbecue in October? But it'll be freezing!!

[massive bereavement]

I wouldn't swap any of my neighbours, they're all old and quiet. One has a yappy little dog but I only hear that if I go onto my back garden, which is annoying but having lived next door to people who play music or do DIY at all hours, I can live with that.

I don't speak to any of them because I look out of the window before I venture out and make sure the coast is clear. I suppose they must all wonder how some scruffy looking weirdo of my age can be at home all day and not working yet is able to afford to live on a relatively nice road, I wouldn't be able to answer that question myself, somehow I ended up here and I expect I'll remain until they drag me out and put me in a mental home.

[weekender]

Glad for this thread, it reminds me that I really must go and piss on Muriel Morgan's grave, if I can ever find it.

Might do that after I've gone and murdered the cunt from next door who banged on the walls again last night, may as well go out in a fucking blaze of glory.

Actually, having thought about it, I think it makes more logical sense to attempt the grave-pissing first and then maybe the murder.

[FredNurke]

Do the murder first and then you can piss on both graves afterwards.

[weekender]

It's this kind of sane and logical thinking that I need.

What weapons would you recommend?

[pancreas]

Our neighbours on one side just left for two years to go to New Zealand. I hope it wasn't my piano playing. Or the partying until 7am.

[Cuellar]

Invited to a neighbour (literally next door)'s 40th(?) on Saturday. Our interactions are limited to 'hiya' if our returns from work coincide. Occasionally we take parcels for each other.

Joke's on my partner though, for some insane reason she's been added to the party group chat!! HAHA! Sucker.

[SteveDave]

I had a dream I lived in a damp council flat on the island of Mustique. Marc Almond was my upstairs neighbour and he kept asking me up for fried onions.

In real life our next door neighbours are rich and hate foxes, upstairs has got a new boyfriend who is huge- we can hear him lumbering about at night and downstairs is a mental who had a letter writing war with my wife last year about the noise coming from our flat. She accused us of removing the floorboards.

[a duncandisorderly]

over the road from me are factory units that were actual factories when I moved in, 27 years ago.
27 years ago, I was the noisiest person in the street.

now these factory units have been "converted" into "live/work spaces" by a landlord who doesn't give a shit what goes on there or how many calls they get from the council (useless) or the police (also useless).
the trustafarian shits who live there have parties at the weekends that spill out into the road. I've seen them pushing each other up & down the road at 3am in shopping trollies, crashing into parked cars. I've seen them climbing on the parked cars, & pissing on them & into people's gardens. we had to stop using the front bedroom because of the noise, whether during a party or not.
worse still, they've got six giant dumpsters which they use collectively, instead of normal bins, & so these have to be emptied by a special truck, which comes at 1.45am on a tuesday.

I want to firebomb the lot of them. cunts.

[Dex Sawash]

over the road from me are factory units that were actual factories when I moved in, 27 years ago.
27 years ago, I was the noisiest person in the street.

now these factory units have been "converted" into "live/work spaces" by a landlord who doesn't give a shit what goes on there or how many calls they get from the council (useless) or the police (also useless).
the trustafarian shits who live there have parties at the weekends that spill out into the road. I've seen them pushing each other up & down the road at 3am in shopping trollies, crashing into parked cars. I've seen them climbing on the parked cars, & pissing on them & into people's gardens. we had to stop using the front bedroom because of the noise, whether during a party or not.
worse still, they've got six giant dumpsters which they use collectively, instead of normal bins, & so these have to be emptied by a special truck, which comes at 1.45am on a tuesday.

I want to firebomb the lot of them. cunts.

" this were all brownfields around here"

[Shit Good Nose]

Mentioned before about an ex (now dead) neighbour who was a drug addict (and for a few years when we moved in) low-level dealer and alcoholic.  Bless him, he tried several times to get clean and even had a child with his partner (a heroin addict he met at rehab), but he kept falling back into his old ways (regularly ranted to no one in the wee hours of the morning about how he had the blood of the vikings running through him) and his partner got back on the heroin and was arrested for driving an uninsured and untaxed car.  The child was quickly taken away from them and adopted, and he was later murdered (clandestine overdose) by one of his ex-customers who was put up to it by someone our neighbour owed a lot money to ("his past caught up with him" is how the police told it).

Anyway, in his place is a lovely young woman who is very quiet.  All of our other neighbours are "normal" people who we have no problems with (although one of them in the next block up works shifts and is a smoker with a dead-soon cough, but his wife won't let him smoke in the house, so all year round except in the very worst weather he's out there every hour until about 3am, coughing away whilst smoking).

[sick as a pike]

We have a retired Colonel, a current police Chief Superintendent, a current police officer of unknown rank, a financial IT something person in a fucking enormous house, a property developer and a retired police firearms officer.  It's really quite establishment, and I do wonder what they all make of us bringing down the tone.

[José]

trustafarian shits

if you're surrounded by rich cunts you either own a home in an affluent area or you can afford the rent in one. which makes you a cunt by proxy. sorry :(

[Pearly-Dewdrops Drops]

If you have a new neighbor fuck who is blasting music unreasonably loud, how long do you wait before confronting them and what is the appropriate strategy? Hypothetically.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Immediately, via nail bomb

Had two neighbours doing handbags at dawn here yesterday. And a little sign put on the front lawn