Neighbour Types

[tao of wub]

One character I heard daily was the self proclaimed Top Dog, thought he ruled the manor and never shut up for one minute telling bullshit stories of his bravado.  Always up at the crack of dawn on sunny days, drinking cheap polish lager, with his crew hanging on his every pathetic word.

I always wished for rain, which it being Yorkshire, was often provided.

One of my current neighbours lectured me on the importance of UK sovereignty and strong, (draconian) immigration rules then proudly told me he has successfully applied for an Irish passport, as, "It will be handy". 

I believe his skull to be filled with mince, though he has a well paid professional position.

Having lived all over, I find posh neighbours are more likely to try and tell you off if you paint your door the wrong colour or fail to wash your car, so will piss right off over inconsequential bullshit.  Your genuine poor crack/smack head neighbours will do your head in by constantly showcasing the minutiae of the misery they cultivate for themselves night and day, by playing it all out in the street or behind thin walls.

In some ways I prefer the junkies as they usually leave you alone and you eventually tune them out.  If only their dogs didn't shit the whole street up.

[canadagoose]

In some ways I prefer the junkies as they usually leave you alone and you eventually tune them out.  If only their dogs didn't shit the whole street up.

They never shut the fuck up, though. That's the problem for me. Constantly making a racket. Thank fuck I have earplugs.

[touchingcloth]

Our nearest neighbours are 100 yards away and next nearest probably 500. Because of this I can't really classify the neighbours themselves but I am very familiar with their dogs.

For the most part they save their barking until a dog down the road pipes up, triggering the next dog along to start barking and so on, I imagine until the chain goes right the way round the planet before starting over again. But there's one utter prick of a dog who lives a kilometre os so away and who barks constantly through the day and the night and I don't how its vocal cords aren't shredded or why I haven't found and massacred it.

Besides the dog there's an absolute PRICK who hoons around the lanes on a quadbike at all hours making a godawful din, and I really have to make an effort to thing of reasons not to block one of his usual routes with cheesewire.

[timebug]

Reasonably quiet in our street,which is just off a main road into the city centre. No annoying barking dogs to speak of. The main bugbear seems to be driving/drivers. Three houses in the street are house shares with four residents apiece; all of them have cars and it is popularly assumed that they got their driving licences in a CornFlakes packet. Excess revving of clapped out engines, tyre screeching departures etc.
Apart from that, my neighbour on one side is a scientist who is very quiet and always polite if we speak in the street or over the garden fence.The neighbours the other side are minor care in the community lads, not violent or particularly noisy, just a few seconds behind everyone else on the 'social scale'. They always speak when we meet and are basically good lads with no social skills. A carer drops in daily to check on them, but otherwise they are self sustaining.
Quite a few neighbours own cats, whose sole aim in life seems to be to crap in other peoples gardens. So all in all, yer average street full of yer average folk.

[Colin Sanction]

My neighbours ran over their mower cable.

Asked to borrow mine.

When I got it back the motor was bent out of the mountings.

Their name : Mawer.

Breaking the lawn, breaking the lawn

[spaghetamine]

notable neighbours of my life

1. Elderly man and his even more elderly father. The son was friendly with my mum and worked at the local tesco. I once ate a jam doughnut without paying for it in front of him whilst they were chatting in supermarket, Mum was mortified but he just laughed and called me a nipper. They both believed that nefarious foreign powers had a machine which they were using to control the weather.

2.Lovely elderly couple. Provided us with many cakes and other baked goods over the years

3.Devoutly religious baptist family. Incredibly dull parents, can't recall anything about them. The daughter was secretly rebellious and held a rager whilst her parents were away once. The son had no interests other than jumping on his trampoline which he seemingly did for twelve hours a day.

4.Angry roided up dickhead who would blast hard trance through the thin walls at all hours, would verbally abuse his wife and daughter and once threatened to break my housemate's legs.

5.Kindly mother of teenage children who heard us coughing through the wall and brought us around a basket full of cough medicines and fruit juice.

[tao of wub]

My fav. thing I have heard shouted from next door,

"At least I haven't got hairy tits!", from a girl to her sister.

[jobotic]

My favourite thing a friend who lived in Oxford has told me that his very posh neighbour shouted at her toddler son, about thirty years ago.

"For God's sake Joe, stop fucking with my mind"

[Sherringford Hovis]

For the most part they save their barking until a dog down the road pipes up, triggering the next dog along to start barking and so on

It's the BarkWeb - more immediate and immersive than Pmail.

[Rizla]

Upstairs - single mum 2 with teenage daughters, all 3 are quite fat. Nothing wrong with that of course. They do a lot of running from room to room though which makes things fall off my shelves, but to be fair I'm not sure they're aware that other people reside in the building as they shout at the top of their voices to each other and often play very loud 90s boyband music through what sounds like a stereo made of tin, pins and dogshit. They were looking after a big alsatian dog over the weekend - I say looking after, they seemed to fuck off out the house and left it to howl pitifully most of saturday which was ace to listen to.

Next door - fuckin Bog

Flat opposite - really nice polish family, dead friendly and helpful - they have a small dog that is very well behaved and hardly ever barks.

[tao of wub]

Next door - fuckin Bog

Bog, the man whose mouth is allegedly used as a toilet.  BOG GOB

[Kryton]

My neighbours are really nice right now. Eastern European family on one side with kids who are very generous and pleasant and on the other side a Nurse.

But I spent three years living near some absolutely fucking dreadful people. At the time, a couple upstairs sold crack and heroin and they'd have all sorts of shady fuckers coming into the flat all day and night. Also a schizophrenic once broke my window and when I reported it the housing assocation, I was labelled 'a grass''. FFS.
I was once attacked with a glass bottle after I stepped into the hallway to stop some crackhead beating the shit out of some woman. Both of them were covered in blood and the bottle just missed my head by inches.
I was also attacked at 3am in my own hallway by one of the cunts who were mates with the upstairs lot. They were banging on the door at like 3am and I answered really angrily and told them to stop banging as I was awake at 7am. Then three of them piled into the hallway and tried to grab me by the throat, but I managed to fight them off and lock myself in the flat. Then I rang the police and then police were absolute fucking cunts with me, as though I was the one causing trouble.

One Christmas Eve morning I was alerted to the sound of a heavy 'thunk' sound outside my window and it was the schizophrenic lad bottling his own uncle in the teeth with a glass bottle. The sound was his head cracking into concrete, I went outside put him in the recovery position and rang an ambulance.

Oh and then a couple of doors away was a woman with four of the nastiest, evil kids I've ever met. Just horrible people.Setting fires, bullying one of the local pensioners, kicking footballs repeatedly against windows. The oldest lad who was 10 I think once punched a 2 year old kid in the face.

I seriously never want to be in that environment again.

[Tony Tony Tony]

Have a fairly ordinary and quiet street with the exception of next door but one who is the local fence for stolen goods and when the son is out of prison does drug dealing. This all leads to a succession of ner do wells traipsing up and down the street with shoplifted goods to be exchanged for various substances. They desperate junkies often bring the results of local burglaries which are such pisspoor hauls that the dealer sends them away. Instead of being caught with the goods they  dump them either in my front garden or on the green at the bottom of the road. The other day I found a collection of tasteless ornaments in the garden in a hold-all that could only have come from the home of some unfortunate pensioner. Dumped on the green was a haul of vinyl records that must have meant  something to someone  (Jim Reeves, The Shadows etc) that ended up as frisbees for the local youths.

Heartbreaking to know that some treasured Knick knacks were turned away as being worthless though the local plod received them grateful in the hope of lifting some figerprints. 

[Rizla]

EDIT fuck it he deserves his own thread

[El Unicornio, mang]

Very quiet street, the only noise I've heard from neighbours is the mother of the kids who live at the end. She got booted out due to her alcohol issues, and sometimes turns up shouting things, including one Christmas Day at about noon steaming drunk and causing a commotion until the police came. Bleak.

Although it is also right next to a high school so there's the noise of kids passing through shouting about their pokemons or whatever every weekday morning, lunchtime and afternoon.

[thr0b]

Apparently I used to live next door to the Mitchell Brothers.

Their mother lived a few doors down, and was found dead at the bottom of her stairs one day. Police house-to-house enquiries followed.

One day they had a knife fight with each other. Through the walls I heard one shout "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? YOU'RE MEANT TO BE MY BRUVAAAAAAAH". I stifled a laugh.

They still lived there when I moved out a couple of years later.

[Jockice]

I'm the longest-standing residents of the flats I live in (I'm Flat One me!) so have had quite a few neighbours in the last 27 years.

So next door. Flat Two.
Currently. A very nice mid-20s woman. Never had any problems with her.
Previously. When I moved in there was a middle-aged couple who also owned flat 5. They were a pain and he looked like Johnny Ball. Had a dog that would bark every time you went past. Replaced by a young couple who I got on really well with, although he was apparently a bit of a bastard to her. They split up and both lived separately in the flat for a while. I'm still vaguely in touch with her and went to her wedding.

Then another young couple. They were nice too. Went to their wedding. Then a very quiet young lady who got a boyfriend, played Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer on repeat then had a weekend shagathon with him on a weekend when I was ill in bed. Then back to silence again. They got married. I wasn't invited and they moved out not long afterwards. Their surnames were Grey and Brown which sums up how bland they were apart from the shagathon. Then:

Another young couple. Again nice and already married. She apologised for any noise she made on her first day. You haven't made any I said. Yes, but I'm a violin teacher she said. Moved out when they decided to have kids. Thank God.  This is a brat-free house. Then:

The gays. Started off on friendly terms with them until they started complaining about people waking them up. The main door to the flats is next to their bedroom. That flat is the only one with a separate entrance. There is no other way in and out for the rest of us. They were teachers, so they should have been able to work that out.And they'd have these ridiculous screeching arguments in camp voices that they didn't have the rest of the time. Was glad to see them go although i have bumped into them since and we got on okay. Nice blokes, awful neighbours. Then:

A ginger, specky bloke. Hated him on sight. There's only room for one us us here. Actually, he seemed ok but very quiet. His dad was a bit of a prick though.


And after a break for Coronation Street I'll move onto the other flats. Bet you can't wait...

[steve98]

Derek, the old bastard above me, and his squeaky floorboards - fuck.

He's about 40 stone at the moment. His weight goes up or down, depending on the state of his hips (It's on a strong upward curve at this time): He's had umpteen new hips and whenever he gets a new one his weight goes down (cos he's more mobile.)

I can hear him limpin' and thumpin' and crashin' about now...sometimes he makes a short wolf-howling sound of pain (loud as fuck, with no warning).

I think the NHS have probably told him - No more hips for you Mr Webster, look at the state of you? 40 stone + ? We can't just keep fitting you new hips and then you gorge yourself up to hyper-obesity and expect us to fit new ones when it all starts to crumble - can we?... d'you see? (He's got some kind of "challenge" (thick as shit)).

So, I think he's reached his hip limit, and the next thing will be a wheelchair (which, hopefully will improve my quality of life.)

Above Derek (going in an anti-clockwise direction, looking West) there's co-habitors Thumper & Moriarty; opposite them there's The Working Man; underneath him it's Slim - The Unknown Postie and under him old Steady-Cam Two Splats. All of them are odd, but bearable.

[bgmnts]

Probably shouldn't mention crumble...

[Jockice]

Sorry for the delay. Believe it or not my girlfriend phoned me. That's one hour 27 minutes of my life I'll ever get back. So

Flat 3. Bloke in his mid 70s but very fit with it. Does football coaching and plays tennis and golf. Moved in not long after I did when he'd just got divorced. (just realised he was younger than I am now then
He seemed ancient). Decent bloke, very helpful although a bit overhelpful at times. I see him more often than all my other neighbours combined. He hates the resident of:

Flat four. The only rented one in the building. Currently a new age apparent witch woman on disability benefits. Doesn't look particularly disabled but mine is not to reason why. Always pestering flat 3 bloke seemingly under the impression that he is responsible for the entire upkeep of the building. I get on ok with her though. Single at the moment but has had the odd (really odd in a couple of cases) boyfriend.

Flat 5. Computer geek type. Another long-standing resident (apart from when he worked abroad for a couple of years and left the flat empty). Not seen very often. Literally all I know about him is that he works in IT for a bank, supports Sheffield Wednesday and gets a takeaway on Friday evening. Seems to have been single for longer than I was. Although someone who briefly lived in Flat 4 years ago said they went to the same university and shared the same girlfriend. Although not at the same time.

Flat 6. NEW! Early 20s woman still in the process of moving in. Her parents live at the bottom of the same road. Suspect they've bought it for her. She (and her parents) seem pleasant enough. Replacing a bloke in his 30s who had his elderly mother living with him for a while.  She always got my cat's name wrong.

There have been no real wankers apart from a couple who lived briefly in flat 4 in the late 90s, who seemed to have a problem with everyone and a woman in there about 15 years ago who regularly parked in the space nearest the building, which is usually left by all residents for me. Oh and a young couple in there about five years ago who were very noisy and used to bring all their mates round pissed. I liked them though, although they weren't too popular with everyone else, especially when they dropped a chest of drawers out of the window in the middle of the night.

Oh yeah and the bloke with the gorgeous girlfriend who vanished from Flat 6 leaving loads of debts so we used to have bailiffs coming round and claiming we must know where he is. Nope, haven't the slightest, although he (and girlfriend) made a brief appearance about three years after moving out. Dunno why, the flat had been resold. I couldn't be arsed making a citizen's arrest. On him anyway. The gorgeous girlfriend was a different matter.

[Jockice]

Incidentally, the bloke who owns and rents out Flat Four is called Stephen Pollard. I don't think it's that Stephen Pollard though. He's never accused me of antisemitism for liking Jeremy Corbyn anyway.

[kilgore]

"At least I haven't got hairy tits!", from a girl to her sister.

Reminds me of something I heard at work recently, aimed towards a Polynesian colleague; "at least my life matters!"