Author Topic: The Great British Bake-Off 2019  (Read 9163 times)

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« on: August 27, 2019, 08:59:45 PM »
Back tonight:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-49396844

Meh... Pijlstaart, come here and do the donkey work for me please...

Twed

  • What, prick? That's my child. My Johnson's child
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2019, 09:15:26 PM »
"London-based international health adviser David"

Yeah, not a real job mate.

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #2 on: August 27, 2019, 10:20:09 PM »
Ten minutes in on 4oD. Rosie the vet is already making me want to commit genocide.

Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2019, 10:21:23 PM »
The Great British Genocide is a show I'd watch.

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #4 on: August 27, 2019, 10:23:59 PM »
"THE REAL DANGER IN THIS CHALLENGE IS THE FRUIT..."

"WE HAVE NOW REACHED THE POINT OF NO RETURN..."

Never change, Bake-Off...

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #5 on: August 27, 2019, 10:24:57 PM »
"London-based international health adviser David"

Yeah, not a real job mate.

"Priya is an aspiring novelist from Leicester..."

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #6 on: August 27, 2019, 10:27:26 PM »
State of those Wizard of Oz costumes at the start. Murrrry Berry wouldn't have been seen dead in one of those.

I don't know who convinced Paul Hollywood to dress up as the Tin Man, but I suspect they're dead now.

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #7 on: August 27, 2019, 10:56:12 PM »
"...so... how big is your fuuurrrry garden?"

touchingcloth

  • Member
  • **
  • She is hot in the arse.
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #8 on: August 28, 2019, 02:34:52 AM »
Oh are they baking caaaaaaaakes?

AsparagusTrevor

  • Member
  • **
  • I'm fine, thank you.
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #9 on: August 28, 2019, 08:36:29 AM »
Actual cake-wanking occurred. Cake-wanking.

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #10 on: August 28, 2019, 08:37:38 AM »
Awwwww, poor Danbun. I will miss his fascinating heterochromia.

90's boyband guy to go next, I reckon. He had a lucky escape this week, but eventually he won't have time to restart every single thing he bakes.

Talking of boybands, David the "health advisor" looks like Hair Bros.

Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #11 on: August 29, 2019, 12:49:23 AM »
State of those Wizard of Oz costumes at the start. Murrrry Berry wouldn't have been seen dead in one of those.

I don't know who convinced Paul Hollywood to dress up as the Tin Man, but I suspect they're dead now.

That bit was almost legendarily abysmal, like a Bake-Off answer to the Star Wars Christmas Special. It was like a test to see if you had the strength to make it through to the show. 

Cakes looked all right, though.

Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #12 on: August 29, 2019, 10:21:53 AM »
Luckily I moved back to the UK this week so I'll have access to these, maybe catch up tomorrow. Just had a look at all the candidates, why're they all so fucking young? It's like love island, I assume in a desperate bid to keep the ratings up, they've stacked the deck with young people, and I sincerely hope the quality of the baking will go down considerably to accommodate this. The most likely to cry or try to shag each other, but if it were me I'd go for 12 old ladies, as you know they'd be at each others throats. Remember Diane, the great bow-shouldered ox of seasons past would harass and physically intimidate the other contestants, and the young people living in their shared slum housing will never do that.

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #13 on: August 29, 2019, 03:47:14 PM »
Actual cake-wanking occurred. Cake-wanking.

Oh god yes, the rocket cake. Has an animated GIF been made yet?

https://mobile.twitter.com/britishbakeoff/status/1166442107516727296

Jesus Christ... That's even ruder than that cheeky lemon drizzle montage.

Dex Sawash

  • Silver Member
  • ****
  • Upphängningspunkterna
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #14 on: August 30, 2019, 01:58:13 PM »

Hope that's a lava cake^

On Netflix today in US so I don't have to sort through 2 dozen Dailymotion streams.

daf

  • Laminated with 'Clarifoil'
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #15 on: August 30, 2019, 03:15:50 PM »
So we can keep track of these buggers :



Jamie - Age: 20  /  From: Surrey  /  Occupation: Part-time waiter
Quote
“When they called to tell me it was a real shock, I really wasn’t expecting it at all.  But a nice shock!
“I was quite nervous at the beginning but by the second day the bakers had all gelled and we were all pretty much best mates, and it was great.”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Danbun - Age: 32  /  From: Rotherham  /  Occupation: Support Worker
Quote
“I was so adamant to get on [Bake Off], it’s very hard to describe the feelings, all strange and surreal.  And then when you are in the tent it all feels normal pretty quickly.
“The first time I saw the white peaks of the tent it gave me butterflies”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Henry : Age: 20  /  From: Durham  /  Occupation: Student
Quote
“I have wanted to get into the tent since series 2.  They filmed it at the end of my road, so I used to see Paul Hollywood when I walked past the tent to go to school in the mornings, so I really got into it.  To be inside the actual tent was totally wonderful.”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Amelia - Age: 24  /  From: Halifax  /  Occupation: Fashion designer
Quote
“It was all so much fun, meeting all the bakers, meeting the judges and presenters, there wasn’t one moment from that first week that I didn’t enjoy.  It was magical.
“I am really excited to tell my godson who is 6 that I am on Bake Off and that will be the best thing ever.  I cannot wait to tell him as he means the world to me, I am bursting to tell him.”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Helena - Age: 40  /  From: Leeds  /  Occupation: Online Project Manager
Quote
“I won a baking competition at work and that gave me the confidence to apply.  Although when I learned that I had got in I had a bit of a confidence crisis thinking, can I possibly be good enough?
“I was literally numb on the first day, I couldn’t take it all in, really.  It was such a blur, and it hit me afterwards that I had made it into the Tent.”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Priya - Age: 34  /  From: Leicester  /  Occupation: Marketing Consultant
Quote
“I downloaded the application for Bake Off in 2012 the year I got married but I thought I would never get in. I applied again last year, and then this year I got in and it was so dreamy and unreal.
“I was in no doubt it would change my life.  And it taught me to pursue the things you love, and you just have to go for it.”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Michelle - Age: 35  /  From: Wales  /  Occupation: Print Shop Administrator
Quote
“I was so emotional when I found out, I cry when I am happy and cry when I am sad.  I have wanted it for so long, so I couldn’t believe it.”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Rosie - Age: 28  /  From: Somerset  /  Occupation: Veterinary Surgeon
Quote
“When I heard I was accepted, the only word I can describe it as is ecstatic!
“The nurses at work are going to be so surprised, they will have no idea.  They asked me the other day would I apply again and I could honestly and categorically answer, no I don’t think I will!”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Alice : Age: 28   /  From: Essex  /  Occupation: Geography Teacher
Quote
“I have wanted to be in Bake Off ever since the show has started, but I wasn’t really good enough when I was 18. To be on such a big show doing something that you are passionate about is a huge thing.
“I also felt that to be accepted into the tent gave me the confidence to feel that I could bake.  It was a dream come true!”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
David - Age: 36  /  From: London  /  Occupation: International Health Adviser
Quote
“I have watched Bake Off from the start, and I have daydreamed so many times walking to work about being in it for such a long time.  And when I got accepted it was such a mixture of emotions.
“You feel like royalty walking into the tent, you have a runner looking after you, bringing you drinks. It’s very different to ordinary life, and a fantastic experience.”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Phil - Age: 56  /  From: Essex /  Occupation: HGV Driver
Quote
“My memory of the first week is being minibussed into the site and seeing the tent, those wonderful white peaks and thinking that this is happening, it’s not just a dream.  I have yearned for this for years, it’s amazing.”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Michael - Age: 26  /  From: Stratford-upon-Avon  /  Occupation: Theatre manager/fitness instructor
Quote
“This was the very first time that I applied, one night I applied as I was a bit bored, I never thought I would get to the audition process.
“My grandma will be totally speechless, she would have to sit down in a quiet room and have a cup of tea.”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Steph - Age: 28  /  From: Chester  /  Occupation: Shop Assistant
Quote
“I didn’t think that I would get in, I wanted to give it a go.  It’s just beyond anything that I can imagine, because I didn’t really dream that I would get in, it has been the most incredible surreal experience.”


Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #16 on: August 30, 2019, 03:36:25 PM »
Thanks for that daf, and sorry for being a lazy bastard.

It's a shame they're all too young to be massively bald. If there was a properly bald baker he could stand next to David and they'd look like Bros.

Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #17 on: August 30, 2019, 03:51:29 PM »
Noel fielding just grows every year in all dimensions, and he'll keep growing until he dies, like a reptile. Big head, big torso, big legs. Really upsetting. Others are the same as always, glad to see them degrade themselves for money.

Contestents are making me feel old.

Hipster guy is wonderful, he's even got a generic stupid person voice. One of his eyes is the wrong colour. Ruined his fruitcake in multiple senses. Ruined his birthday cake in multiple senses. Ruined his body permanently, spent his poverty-grade rotherham salary on sub-Ed-Sheeran chest tattoos. A real mess of a man, but he deserved to hang about for longer.

Jamie made out of falling masonry, a shit-haired cretin, and also doesn't talk properly. Guh guh guh. Oh, I 'af to start again. Oh, I 'af to start again. I'd love to watch him try to assemble ikea furniture. Would have pegged him as a mirror wanker, but with an identical twin he can go one step further. Buys cheap iphones he knows are stolen without a pang of guilt. Deserved to go out, last in technical, crappest birthday cake, but he's prime diddling material for the bored housewife demographic, so he'll stay in weeks past his sell-by date.

Pink hair, not very interesting. Gay man, not very interesting. Posh child, not very interesting but going to be in it for a long time.
Old man, won't last long, you know they don't like his sort.

Welsh woman, don't dislike her. Plastic glasses man allegedly indian and scottish, manifestly neither. Plump vet, very weird voice, high and hoarse, don't dislike her.
Alice very intentionally pulling hammed-up reaction shots, wants buzzfeed to do a list article composed entirely of alice gifs, so won't acknowledge her.
Helena an underwritten two-dimensional character, maybe suitable for Wacky Races, but not believable in this. Gone by week 3.

Steph, the Dark Crystal puppet, feasibly has wings, feasibly telepathic. Fully expect Paul Hollywood to try to drain her essence in a bid to reverse his aging.

Have a big problem with Priya. Priya gave her children rhyming names, that's prime prick behaviour. Likely only goes grocery shopping at peak times and acts petulantly in queues. Reckon she tries to get homeless people arrested. Married up, but doesn't know it.

Interesting bunch, all too young.




daf

  • Laminated with 'Clarifoil'
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #18 on: August 30, 2019, 03:57:35 PM »
Michelle = Sophie Ellis Bextor
David = Gay Irish Chris from one of the recent Big Brothers
Steph = Bjork
Michael = that American spod from University Challenge
Henry = cartoon beaver
Phil = a turnip

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #19 on: August 30, 2019, 04:19:04 PM »
Henry- an embryonic George Osborne.

Dex Sawash

  • Silver Member
  • ****
  • Upphängningspunkterna
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #20 on: August 31, 2019, 03:13:46 AM »

Steph, the Dark Crystal puppet, feasibly has wings, feasibly telepathic. Fully expect Paul Hollywood to try to drain her essence in a bid to reverse his aging.


Can't stop laughing at this.


Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #21 on: August 31, 2019, 03:30:43 AM »
If all the "contestants" are so "young" then why does "Jamie" have hair from 1998?

Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #22 on: September 03, 2019, 11:51:04 AM »

Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #23 on: September 03, 2019, 09:14:34 PM »
Noel is wearing a Dinosaur Jr jumper I think.

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #24 on: September 03, 2019, 10:55:00 PM »
"I've gone a bit over, but I prefer that to a soggy biscuit"

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #25 on: September 03, 2019, 11:02:07 PM »
Hair Bros comparing his biscuit bars to pus...

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #26 on: September 03, 2019, 11:04:07 PM »
Paul hates matcha, the philistine. When will the bakers ever learn?

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #27 on: September 03, 2019, 11:25:24 PM »
"How big is your organ going to be, Henry?"

Blue Jam

  • AM NO A GRASS
Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #28 on: September 03, 2019, 11:42:42 PM »
No surprises there. Jamie was bloody lucky to last beyond the first week...

Re: The Great British Bake-Off 2019
« Reply #29 on: September 04, 2019, 10:05:11 PM »
Not sure about biscuits, I don't eat them anymore and I don't respect them.

Henry didn't pay for durham through blowing his church organs, he paid through selling off some of the ancestral trove of stolen mughal relics. He sold swatches of his ermine cloaks for the burgeoning merkin trade.

Old guy feels like a bit character in Game of Thrones, one of the ones you know is going to die. Drunk peasant in tavern says the wrong thing. Drunk jester in court says the wrong thing.

Still not buying steph. 28 years old, works in a shop, best friend's with her mother. It doesn't add up. GBBO is just too stingy to send a camera crew out to Thra to film her actual home life.

Alice getting weirder, genuinely bizarre woman, I doubt she's ever killed someone, but she might have witnessed another killing and covered it up. A deep sense of restlessness to her, as if she's done terrible things.   

Gubgub a genuine cretin. Oh, I 'af to make it again. Fucking up chocolate bars. Egg-washed the fig rolls. Doesn't know what guitar parts are called. Demolishes his gingerbread, Oh, I 'af to make it again. Startlingly and comprehensively dumb. You can see him regularly forget how to breath and turn a deep puce. How did he even get on the show, did he promise to spatchcock every woman on the production team? Straight to love island.