Author Topic: LEGEND GARY PART TWO  (Read 36094 times)

Fambo Number Mive

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LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« on: August 28, 2019, 08:17:01 AM »
The old thread is at 100 pages, which is the number of pages in Legend Gary's favourite magazine

Glebe

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2019, 09:05:50 AM »
"New thread, new Gary, Daz. I've turned over a new leaf."

"Yeah, just press START, Gary. I'll roll another joint."

"GOAL! In your face Daz!" *slurps Stella*

Fambo Number Mive

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2019, 12:23:47 PM »
Legend Gary writes to the Queen asking if parliament can be prorogued for ever so Legend Boris can be the ruler of the UK for ever.


Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2019, 12:32:09 PM »
Legend Gary browsing the Internet.

WANNA MEET ASIAN GIRLS?

Hmmm... Interesting, go on

TRY BEST SITES

OK, I'm interested

Gary your teas on!!!


.........     ........     ... Coming...


Glebe

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2019, 09:29:56 PM »
Gary your teas on!!!

"Fish fingers and garden peas again, nah, off to Daz's to play FIFA. He'll have his usual family bag of Monster Munch, I can dip into that."

Fambo Number Mive

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #5 on: August 29, 2019, 03:48:18 PM »

Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #6 on: August 29, 2019, 07:43:42 PM »
"Gary, that's too big for the roof rack"

"Nah it'll be fine Mum"

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-wales-49508070/man-fined-after-driving-car-with-a-car-on-its-roof-in-aberystwyth

Should've written ARAF on it then everyone would ignore it. Legend Gareth Jones.

Fambo Number Mive

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #7 on: September 02, 2019, 09:03:53 AM »
Legend Gary's YouTube channel starts selling its own swag, including an emergency lad kit for when the conversation isn't Legend enough and a Tshort featuring Gary's catchphrases for £20.

After six months, he makes 4p in profit.

Better Midlands

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #8 on: September 03, 2019, 03:52:01 PM »
Legend Gary's YouTube channel starts selling its own swag, including an emergency lad kit for when the conversation isn't Legend enough and a Tshort featuring Gary's catchphrases for £20.

After six months, he makes 4p in profit.


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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2019, 10:52:06 PM »
Legend Gary and The Grand Tour star Tom Hiddleston have an in depth conversation over a martini about who is ''the real deal' '

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #10 on: September 04, 2019, 10:57:12 PM »
Legend Gary eats a piece of soggy bread that he accidentally left on his car.

wosl

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #11 on: September 04, 2019, 11:34:48 PM »
Legend Gary replaces the laces in his shoes with mooring rope.

Fambo Number Mive

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #12 on: September 06, 2019, 09:12:59 PM »
Legend Gary asks for "Oh,Legend Gary you are a sex legend" to be shouted several times during coitus.

petrilTanaka

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #13 on: September 06, 2019, 10:48:20 PM »
Legend Gary asks for "Oh,Legend Gary you are a sex legend" to be shouted several times during coitus.

pays an extra twenty quid, plus another tenner to make sure she doesn't tell anyone about the twenty.

word still spreads somehow, but not to his face.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #14 on: September 06, 2019, 11:38:03 PM »
Legend Gary fucks his leg up big time so he can 'get gold at the retard Olympics'

Only bloody does doesn't he
Only bloody does


Fambo Number Mive

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #15 on: September 07, 2019, 07:50:16 PM »
"Gary, have you seen my nail polish?" his latest girlfriend shouts from the toilet

"No...and it's Legend Gary."

"Shut up, Gary"

Later it's sausages, mash and chips for tea. Gary hides one of the sausages in his pocket.

That evening Pubes Daz, Hashtag Harry and Waltzer are sitting in Wetherspoons by the window.

"Legend Gary's coming. Wey! He's got that box again. Oh no."

"That box. Piss."

Gary farts at a pensioner as he pushes open the Wetherspoons door.

"Alright lads! I've been shagging so hard..."

"We know, Legend Gary. We know."

Gary opens the box anyway, given it took him all evening to complete the "joke"


Glebe

  • But when Bruce Wayne goes it's all gonna collapse.
Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #16 on: September 07, 2019, 08:48:18 PM »
Something, BC.

LEGEND GARYIX: This magic potion will make me invincible to bouncers, by Toutatis!

LEGEND DAZTRIX: You'd better give it a try first, Garyix!

*PAF!*

LEGEND GARYIX: He's landed on Cacofonix!

GERIATRIX: Good shot, my boy! This reminds me of a scrap we had outside a nightclub in Rome! We'd had a skinfull of Stella, and-

FULLIAUTOMATIX: Someone make him stop, please!

Glebe

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #17 on: September 08, 2019, 05:08:37 PM »
Daz comes into the sitting room carrying a giant cheque.

DAZ (singing): Someone's knockin' at the do-or!

GARY: I'll fucking sort them, then!

The following week.

JUDGE: Gareth Arbuthnot Braithwaite Ledgington III, I hereby sentence you to three years in prison for serious assault! Have you anything left to say in your defence?

GARY: Yeah, do we still get the Lotto money?

Fambo Number Mive

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #18 on: September 09, 2019, 08:53:34 AM »
Legend Gary has a flex off with another bloke. Squeeze those muscles, Gary. There's the chance to dance with a woman if you win

petrilTanaka

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #19 on: September 09, 2019, 01:47:31 PM »
Legend Gary boasts about dominating Purple Paki.

he means Aki, but insists its "Paki"

Fambo Number Mive

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #20 on: September 09, 2019, 02:44:52 PM »
Legend Gary rides his bike down the centre of the pavement, ringing his bell loudly at any pedestrians.

Fambo Number Mive

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #21 on: September 09, 2019, 02:46:03 PM »
Legend Gary asks his local Wetherspoons if they can play the National Anthem before any televised sport and eject anyone who does not stand up for it.

Bum Flaps

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #22 on: September 09, 2019, 06:45:11 PM »
Legend Gary rides his bike down the centre of the pavement, ringing his bell loudly at any pedestrians.

He occasionally rings the bell on his bicycle as well  (boom boom tscsssh)

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #23 on: September 09, 2019, 06:51:32 PM »
Legend Gary boasts about dominating Purple Paki.

he means Aki, but insists its "Paki"

I laughed

Fambo Number Mive

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #24 on: September 10, 2019, 05:54:44 PM »
"Hi Gary, how are you?"

"Good thanks, being MP for Buttocks City is tiring but at least its not too far to travel. How are you?"

"Excited about running for Speaker! Will you vote for me?"

"Could you do one thing? When you call me in the Chamber, could you call 'Legend Gary' rather than my first name and surname? Everyone calls me Legend Gary"

"I've never heard anyone call you that"

"Well, they all do in Buttocks City."

"Not sure I'd be allowed to do that Gary"

"Fine! No vote for you then, I'm going to tweet approvingly about proroguing Parliament"

"Gary, wait...I can whisper 'Legend Gary' after I call you..."

But Gary didn't hear.

NJ Uncut

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #25 on: September 10, 2019, 06:16:17 PM »
"Gary mate, I have to leg it, do us a solid?"

Gary turned around fom the thing he was doing and began to grin. There Daz was, all flushed and panicky. "Sure mate, nothing too big for a pal, what is it?"

Daz looked worried but pressed on. "It's me grandmum's 100th birthday. I bought her a priceless ming vase and have wrapped it all fancy. It needs sending out is all."

"Haha, your grannie isn't a ming! Has a price too. 10p a go," chuckled Gary. Spicy!

Daz bristled, looked down at his Pumas and decided to bravely interrupt the mirth of his best and closest friend, who was still chortling away.

"No... right, look, I need to dash out for reasons I can't explain right now if ever, so I've boxed it all up and labelled it ready for sending. Do us a favour, write FRAGILE on it with this marker pen" - Daz gave Gary a marker pen - "and here's a tenner for the Post Office." Daz gave Gary a tenner for the Post Office. "AND PLEASE, SWEAR YOU WON'T BREAK IT?!"

Gary nodded emphatically. "Sure, I swear on the life of a loved one." He stifled his grin by actually picturing rattling Daz's grandmum.

"Thanks, mate," sighed Daz, as Gary began to sniff the marker pen. "Thanks, pal, I really mean this."

"Cya," grunted Gary, thinking of Daz as his loved one, the doomed poof cunt.

-------

Gary sauntered up to the Post Office service window, ahead of a few old crusties. One began to quibber and make a to-do all about "a queue system" but Gary stared her down easily enough.

 Getting the box posted was a bit of an ordeal, but he had stared the mardy dyke behind the counter down too. Took long enough! 8 sodding squid. He'd have to ask Daz for another tenner (lucky fuckin bonus innit).

Still, job's a good un. Gary beamed at his deed complete, and stared down each and every bell-end in the queue on his way out, stopping only to hoot with glee. Until he saw a homeless and stared HIM down too, the fuckin jakey.

------

Mailworker Mike looked at the package in the sorting room and sighed. Another dodgy parcel in the depot, which made it his problem. Would probably get there anywho, most've these were innocuous enough, but what the fuck was all *this* about...? His corpulent frame bent with a wheeze so he could better examine the rogue package.

The box was quite large, a little heavy. It had a fetching red ribbon on it, and the address was clearly marked on a neat little label. So what's the dealio?

Mailworker Mike turned the box around in his hands and gasped... for, in unmissably huge bold lettering, all over each side of the box, were vile missives that frankly rankled:

FUCK ALL POSTIES
MAILMAN NONCE PEDO MONGS
POSTMEN = KNOBJOCKIES
STAMPS R 4 CLARTS
GRANNY MINGS
ROYAL GAYL
FRAJILE


Fucking swastikas aplenty too!! "Whoops," said Mailworker Mike, hurling the box to the ground with real force. It crunched, rolled a bit and eventually landed KNOBJOCKIES side up. "Oopsa daisy," he whispered, breathless from his efforts (for Mailman Mike was a rotund fellow), and hoofed the fucking thing across the floor, it skidding along merrily and crashing into the wall with Mailworker Mike simply relishing the muffled crunch sound it made.

It landed CLARTS side up this time, staring at him in his bearded, ruddy face, mocking him. It seemed to tug at something in Mailworker Mike's very soul...

... Fuck *this* for a game of horses. Mailworker Mike had one brewing anywho... just as soon as he caught his breath. Gasp, gasp, ahhh, right, let's have at it...

He unzipped and did a massive, long yellow steaming wee all over the box. As he had learned long ago in his nascent postal career, cardboard was surprisingly absorbent without compromising its structural integrity. And also well retained the honking stink of piss.

The parcel would have to pass through two more mail centres before it arrived in Nuneaton. Yes yes, Mailworker Mike reflected as he untied the pretty ribbon and skidmarked it between his cheeks, the jokers behind this package would most certainly bertainly get what's coming to 'em.

And carried on the wind outside the mail depot was the faint sound of a legend chortling.


(C) New Jack Productions 1993
Any similarities to individuals in the real Royal Mail postal service are entirely intentional

NJ Uncut

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #26 on: September 10, 2019, 06:17:11 PM »
Gary gatecrashes an Extinction Rebellion meet to ask the way to the nearest BP Garage.
« Last Edit: September 10, 2019, 09:07:30 PM by NJ Uncut »

Glebe

  • But when Bruce Wayne goes it's all gonna collapse.
Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #27 on: September 10, 2019, 06:55:59 PM »
"They fuckin' suspended Parliament, Daz! What does that mean?"

"I dunno, Ledge, but we're running low on Stella and this is the last of the weed. Not to mention, we need a new plug on the PS4."

"Fuck it, Operation Yellowhammer - were art thou?"

NJ Uncut

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Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #28 on: September 11, 2019, 10:26:29 AM »
Gary kickstarts his day with a line, a toss and a Monster

Re: LEGEND GARY PART TWO
« Reply #29 on: September 11, 2019, 01:48:58 PM »
Gary gatecrashes an Extinction Rebellion meet to ask the way to the nearest BP Garage.

Walks away shouting FUCK THE SEALS

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