LEGEND GARY PART TWO

[Glebe]

"Daz, who'd win in a fight between John Cena and Conor McGregor?"

"Oh grow up, Gary!"

"Daz, I don't think you're part of the gang anymore. You've matured too much."

[Fambo Number Mive]

A malfunction in the Voyager transporter room causes Lt Gary and Ensign Daz to be beamed up as one person, Lt Gaz. Can Kes and Generous Seagull separate them before the wanking challenge in the holodeck?

[Glebe]

A malfunction in the Voyager transporter room causes Lt Gary and Ensign Daz to be beamed up as one person, Lt Gaz. Can Kes and Generous Seagull separate them before the wanking challenge in the holodeck?

This is beyond meta!

Meanwhile...

Dangerous Andy and Unpleasant O' Toole are sitting in a corner of the pub when Gary and Daz stroll in.

"Oi! Lads! Come and join us for a pint!" shouts Andy.

"Nah mate we're doing the socially distancing thing! Now order some food Gary and let's sit outside!"

"Nah Daz mate, let's join 'em!"

Daz does so reluctantly. It's an endurance test that reaches it's nadir when Unpleasant coughs repeatedly into Daz's pint.

[Glebe]

"Here Daz, leave us some of them Hob Nobs, would you?"

"There's another packet in the press, Gary."

"Alright then. Press 'START' would you? Pro Evo '20 won't start itself!"

"Yeah. Right then Gary."

A few minutes pass.

"Er, looks like nothing funny's gonna happen Daz. Glebe, you've lost your touch."

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary stands in the rain singing about fried chicken, big night

[Glebe]

Gary rides Daz's pet Alsatian around the garden. "Not much to do with the lockdown, Daz!"

"Humphrey! Get off him, Gary! Last time you did this he panicked and ran out and bit Violent Les' ankles to bits."

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary sets up some dogfighting to earn some covid quid but his prize fighter shits itself leaving poor old Gaz to clear it all up.

'I had to drive to fucking Boots just to lob some wetwipes at Daz, petrol money'

[Glebe]

"Daz, I'm thinking of changing my image... maybe become one of them heavy metallers. Might buy meself a tie dye T-shirt. What's good hippie music?"

"You could try Pearl Jam, Gary."

"That's going too far, they're fucking weird Daz! Fucking hairy faggots! What do you take me for, boy?"

[Glebe]

"Daz, with this transbender thing, does that mean I don't know if I'm going out with a bloke now or not anymore?"

"Yes, Gary."

"Yes it does or yes it doesn't, Daz?"

"Yes, Gary."

[Fambo Number Mive]

Gary and Daz find that virtual arm wrestling just isn't the same

[Glebe]

Gary has his own Doomsday Clock in his bedroom. One day Daz tells him that they're out of KP Skips in the local newsagent and Gary moves the hand one minute closer to midnight.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary sends some daubings of Daz being molested by dozens of pack animals to Studio Ghibli.

Maintains that they wrote back a fortnight later saying 'quite good these actually'

[Glebe]

Legend Gary sends some daubings of Daz being molested by dozens of pack animals to Studio Ghibli.

Laughed.

"Daz, I'm not political but I reckon we should organise our own anti-social distancing demo. I'm sick of being told to wear a mask by the government. Meanwhile, they did loads of rallies for the blacks and nobody did say nothing. It's one rule for ordinary guys like us and another for the foreigner. Send 'em back."

[Glebe]

"Daz, why are adults buying comics now? They're for kids!"

"You eat Farley's rusks and they're for kids, Gary."

"FUCK OFF, DAZ! FUCK OFF!"

[Glebe]

Daz will always regret glancing at Gary's browsing history. "Pure nightmare fuel."

[Glebe]

"It's your turn to make the cuppas Daz."

"Nah Gary. I did the last round."

"I won the last FIFA '2O match."

"I've won more games overall today."

"Alright, I'll do the teas - but it's your turn to get some goodies from the shops!"

"This is never gonna end, is it Gary?"

[Glebe]

"Good to see you wearing a face covering Gary, even if it's an improvised one!"

"Yeah well I don't want to be identified when I rob the garage again, Daz."

[Glebe]

"Farage for PM, Daz."

"Could you outline why Gary, apart from 'He is anti-immigrants'."

"You know Daz, you're really getting a bit smart lately. Knock that off or I'll slice you up a treat, son."

[Glebe]

Gary actually gets on Masterchef.

"So Gary, what are you cooking for us today?"

"I'm making a giant jaffa cake out of lots of jelly and melted Mars bars, Greggs."

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary gets rectmites after unwise exploratory fried chicken insertions.

They are going to lay eggs and hatch in my arse Daz, ze doktors say

[buttgammon]

Gary actually gets on Masterchef.

"So Gary, what are you cooking for us today?"

"I'm making a giant jaffa cake out of lots of jelly and melted Mars bars, Greggs."

Egg Wallace loves it so much that he lets Gaz go all the way to the final. Gary's disastrous appearance in the final is rendered unbroadcastable due to his incessant 'nosh' puns and insistence on referring to a fellow finalist as 'the coloured one'.

[Glebe]

"GARY! Your face is swelling!"

"Yeah Daz, I feel really short of breathe an' all!"

"Fuck's sake mate, you're going into anaphylactic shock! You know you're supposed to avoid anything with nuts in!"

"I know Daz but they're s'moreish, them KP dry roasters!"

[Fambo Number Mive]

Legend Gary demands everyone in the Zoom chat sing Land of Hope And Glory, but no one can remember past the second line.

[Glebe]

Gary and Daz are playing FIFA '20 as usual when Gary suddenly starts floating off the couch. I mean he's literally levitating in the air!

[Glebe]

"The Simpsons is great, Daz?"

"Eh?! I thought you hated it, Daz!"

"Did I say that? Nah, always loved Homer and family."

"Well I remember saying you hated it."

"Why would I say that?"

"I dunno, I always assumed you just didn't 'get it'."

Gary's smile falters.

"How... how do you mean 'didn't get it', Daz? And choose your words carefully."

"Just... just... that it kind of... went over your head? Is that okay to say that?"

Gary's demeanor has now darkened irrevocably.

"Oh... oh fuck me, Daz. You should not have said that! Ever seen This is England? You're in for a nasty beating, Daz, c'mere!"

[Glebe]

Gary strangles Daz. Twenty years, no parole.

[Fambo Number Mive]

Gary resubmits his "comedy script" to the BBC, having been following recent events, and is prosecuted for sending an obscene and hateful publication by post.

[Glebe]

"Daz, look!"

Gary has superglued Oreos to his eyeballs.

[Glebe]

"What do you think of me tattoo, Daz?"

"Oh fuck... 'KEITH FLINT 4EVAH'... Daz, that's not Keith Flint."

"Not you and all! Bloke said it was Jared Leto's Joker in the pic I showed him, you're both wrong off course and I insisted he do it!"

"The worst part is it covers your entire forehead Gary."

[Glebe]

Gary describes the size of Daz's head as "about the circumference of a doll's head."