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March 29, 2024, 01:09:13 PM

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LEGEND GARY PART TWO

Started by Fambo Number Mive, August 28, 2019, 08:17:01 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Legend Gary nursing a shiner after asking Steak Terry what the lead time is on his bastard

Sebastian Cobb

Daaz, what's the number for that mortgage lender?


Shoulders?-Stomach!

They've all got a semi by the time I've finished democratising the housing market to make it affordable for first time buyers.

Glebe

Gary starts reading existential philosophy.

Fambo Number Mive

Gary has a dream about Captain Tom.


Sebastian Cobb

Gary's request to get a day off for the Queen's death 'on tick' is declined.

Glebe

Daz is coming home across the field one afternoon when he spies a strange sight... somebody in a Mickey Mouse costume! And they're following him... something doesn't feel right... Daz starts to panic and run. The Mickey Mouse gives chase and finally catches up.

"W-*pant*-what do you want?! Who are you?"

A familiar voice pipes up, muffled by the costume.

"DAZ! It's me, Daz! Gary!"

"Gary?! Where did you get that suit?!"

"I found it in an abandoned fairground, Daz! It's great, innit?"

"*puff*... You don't half look silly, Gary!"

"You fucker Daz! C'mere! I'm gonna beat stuffing out of you!"

The chase continues.


Shoulders?-Stomach!

Pubes and Gary agree Prince Phillip was 'a bit of a cunt all told, indefensible some of that when you stop to think about it'

Glebe

Daz discovers Gary in a full burka, piling furniture against the front door.

"Gary, what are you doing?"

"Trying to stop the covid foreigners getting in, Daz. The burka's a disguise in case do make it through."

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Legend Gary orders Steak Terry the Managers Special Covid luncheon, 3 steaks.

'Same as your standard order tho mate?'

'Aye but less chips'

Glebe

Gary buries Daz alive in the back garden. "It's for your own good mate, things are getting drastic!"

Fambo Number Mive

Gary's glad he did a really big piss yesterday to make sure his bladder was empty enough for the first day of OPEN THE PUBS.

"Down the hatch, lads! Last one to vomit's a woke".

Daz sighs and sips his pint.

Glebe

"END THE LOCKDOWN EARLY! END THE LOCKDOWN EARLY! Come on Daz, let's do it for The Sun!"

Fambo Number Mive

Gary writes to the BBC to ask them to bring back Jim Davidson "Snooker or panto, whatever, just get him back".

Glebe

Quote from: Fambo Number Mive on April 14, 2021, 01:25:37 PMGary writes to the BBC to ask them to bring back Jim Davidson "Snooker or panto, whatever, just get him back".

"And they should bring back Richard Littlejohn onna telly whilst they're about it, Daz. He was the Voice of Reason in a world gone mad. There. I've said my piece."

Gary fold his arms and stares sternly at Flog It!

"Er... The Chase is starting now, can I switch over Gary?"

"You may do as you please Daz, my son, no one has the right to deny you, you're British born and bred."

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Legend Gary climbs a 30ft pole to scrawl 'Gayboyz' on a windsock

Glebe

Daz walks into the living room and discovers Gary stark naked and completely hairless.

"Gary, what the actual fuck?"

"Been to Barry's Body Wax, Daz, what do you think? The dodgy fucker's defied the 'non-essential' lockdown restrictions and is operating on the sly! 'Wax not vax', Daz! 'Wax not vax'!"

Glebe

Gary wins the Gary Bushell Pride of Britain Award for the fifth year running.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

'He said I was the 2nd best Gary, I said fuck off, who' s 1st, you, fucking you you nothing, you slag, you're fuck all'

The prize was a bushel of 'Lagers'.

Fambo Number Mive

Gary breaks wind in Waterstones and the pungent aroma causes mass vomiting amongst the bookshelves.



Shoulders?-Stomach!

Legend Gary insists all his meals be served in a dimpled mug in order to inflate his pint count for later boasts.

Glebe

Gary purchases a Toby Jug with Roy Chubby Brown's face for £1.50 in a market in Corby. It earns pride of place on the mantlepiece.

Glebe

Gary bulk purchases 20,000 face masks and burns them on the heath. "Take that, plandemicers!"

Glebe

Gary applies to become a member of the UDF. "Gotta keep the Catholic Irish in check, Daz!"

Fambo Number Mive

Gary puts chewing gum on all the bus seats.

Glebe

Daz warns his nephew to take it easy on the penny chews.

"How can you say that to him?" cries Gary, tears welling up in his eyes. "When I were a lad, me sole pleasure in life were me penny chews. Admittidly I overdid it and now have massive heart problems, but still."

Fambo Number Mive

Gary contacts all the local schools demanding they fly the "British flag"

Glebe

Gary snatches Daz's new Microsoft Surface out of his hands and messes around with it for a bit. "You can have it back later Daz, although it'll prolly be fucked as I'm gonna throw it against the wall when I'm finished."

Glebe

"Get in, Daz! My application for Temptation Island has been accepted!"

"But you've just become a father Gary! What about Tracy and little Gary Jnr.?"

"Nah fuck it Temptation Island, Daz."

Fambo Number Mive

Legend Gary tells work he cant come in as he is too upset aabout St George's Day not being a bank holiday.