Police Chief gonna kick your ass

[Fishfinger]

Did you even read the memo?

[Cuellar]

Kick this *grabs crotch*

NO WAIT

[Fishfinger]

No cheese. No. Cheese. This here is clearly a sandwich containing cheese. What is this, a bad cop show?

Sorry, Chief.

[Fishfinger]

I need your gun, and your badge. And - what - are those Quavers? Well I kind of need those too, but, hell, I'm not a monster. Now escort yourself from the building. I'm done with you until the next episode.

[madhair60]

You're a loose cannon, officer. You're off the case. But damnit, you get results. You're on the case. We never had this conversation.

[Fishfinger]

He's a goddamn maverick. Simon. SIMON. My coffee is cold. Why'd you trip over the desk? What, funny? We're not even filming this.

[Rizla]

Yeah he's an asshole. But he's a powerful asshole. And he's our powerful asshole.

[Fishfinger]

We just gotta hope he's the right powerful asshole. My coffee is still cold, by the way.

[Cuellar]

Oooooo you just wait till t'DA hears about this

[madhair60]

DA gets winds a' this an' he'll be havin' sex with your ass.

[madhair60]

He was top a' his class and now meth made him another goddamn statistic. Every day is a war in this city. A war on statistics. Well, we're here to collect.

[Rizla]

Every week city hall pulls another set of statistics out of their asses and we get to eat em up and pretend like they taste of butter candy

[Fishfinger]

Ain't that the goddamn truth. Ah shit, this coffee's cold.

[Fishfinger]

Yeah, we got a triple homicide. Well, I gotta pick up biscuits for tonight or it's gonna be my ass. Have fun, gentlemen. I want a report by o-600-hours, on my desk. Or I'll have your asses myself.

[Fishfinger]

That's right hombre, your new partner's a woman. Fe-ee-male. You gonna deal with that or do I gotta shove my thumb in your ass?

[Fishfinger]

Tony, you take point!

Chief, sorry, Tony is doing a shit.

... Well, ok, give it 5. Maybe 10. But we have to nail this asshole.

[Fishfinger]

Fuck, I shot twelve bitches.

That sucks man, yeah, the new Chief's a stickler for paperwork.

Fuck. Probably wipes his massive ass on it too.

No, I do think he actually files it. And you'll have your own scene, where he takes you to task.

[Fishfinger]

You come in here without a clearance again I will surely shit down your neck, son!

...y..your ex-wife is on the line?

[Fishfinger]

Not looking good for Season 2, Chief.

Fuck. Can we get that mattress guy? I want that mattress guy.

[Fishfinger]

If this wasn't a Skype conversation, I would literally hammer my medically aberrant foot right up your goddamn asshole!

Oh God, I see it, oh Christ, yes Chief, sorry Chief.

[Rizla]

So I gotta pull probable cause outta my ass just cos this new DA's got a hardon for the mayor? You're eatin' the paperwork on this one, jackoff.

[Fishfinger]

Ok, well you tell that piecea shit McCluskey he's done. Monday mornin', it's his ass, on my desk. And we ain't sharin' a fork.

The Chief hangs up.

Sorry, that was my wife. Now, what were ya sayin'?

[Fishfinger]

Listen dickwad, this department, on my watch, don't pay OT for burglaries. You get dat?

Uhh, yes Chief. Umm, we also shot 10 people in the face, and two in the ass.

OK, here's your money. Don't waste my time again!

[Fishfinger]

Sorry Chief, but Detective Sullivan called in sick this morning, so we -

Sick. Sick? I'm going to need your badge, and gun and slides drawer open ...three donuts. slides drawer shut. Dismissed Sergeant.

Err, it's Lieu-

Whatever. Prioritise the donuts. And I want Sullivan's ass on my phone.

[Dannyhood91]

Throw a book at em and then slam the cuffs on the book and book em in the slammer

[madhair60]

Sullivan, get in here. Now get the hell outta my office.

[madhair60]

Hey! HEY! You two gonna stand around running your mouths or are ya gonna whip 'em out?!

[madhair60]

Listen, Sullivan. I don't like you, and you don't like me. But god damnit Sullivan, I like you. You got moxie, kid. Now get the hell outta my office.

[madhair60]

You don't got probable cause, this scumbag walks. And he's a cripple, so that'd be what we call a christmas miracle.

[Fishfinger]

Chief, look, uh, Kreplowski took twenny-eight shotgun blasts to the face. It's gonna hafta be a closed casket.

Oh I don't fuckin' think so, professor. No officer on my watch gonna sign off in a clothes basket. I wanna real goddamned funeral or it's your ass! And get me Sullivan!