Being inordinately hung up on past abuse/bullying

[garbed_attic]

Heheh.  My reaction was slightly different, I remember a notorious bully attacking my little brother on his way home from school.  He told me when he got back. 

I went out, ran round the neighbourhood, calling the bastard out.   He was a little bigger than me but I was far more angry.  Chased him up a small birch tree and stood at the bottom shaking it occasionally and explaining to him the meaning of Galatians 6:7 and how it would be mirrored in our future relationship.

My bro, now much, much, bigger than me, still remembers this.

It does seem like you were a pretty darn hardcore kid. I still can't quite get over the fact that you didn't do any homework. That would have been literally unthinkable to me as a kid.

[Jockice]

Some kids got it much worse than me though. Often for no apparent reason. But then again I've met people I went to school with who thought I wasn't bullied at all, or conversely thought that I was bullied far more than I think I was.

On that subject I was talking to a lass who was a year or two below me at secondary school a few years back. Her sister was in my year and is married to one of my best friends, also from my year, so I've known her for a long time.

However on this day she decided to tell me about an occasion when a gang of lads ripped my shirt off in the school yard, carried me topless into the building and locked me in a cupboard.

Sounds awful eh? It was, except that it never happened. I did get put (not locked) in a cupboard a couple of times but that was a bit of a craze during the fourth year and I was far from the only one. And the shirt-ripping incident happened when I was in the sixth form - so at the very least a year and a half later - when it got torn accidentally while playing football one lunchtime, so I started tearing it more myself and others wholeheartedly joined in. It was a jumble sale one anyway (white with blue stripes), I found the whole incident hilarious, as did everyone else involved, I had a t-shirt underneath so I wasn't left topless, nor was I paraded anywhere.

Apart from that her story was accurate though. Luckily my version was backed up by my mate who was one of the ripees. He could be a bit of a twat (as most teenage boys could) sometimes admittedly but not on that occasion.

[José]

I remember stuff a fair bit, but it very rarely makes me angry. I don't know if it's because I internalised the idea that I deserved it or because I know in retrospect how messed up some of the bullies were. I spend far, far more time stewing in guilt over things I've done, much related previously. Though I was never a bully at school, I definitely took out my anger from being bullied on my younger brother at times and he in turn took this out on our younger sister. That said, if I raise such things with him now he tends to respond with 'lol', his coping mechanism in life seemingly been to build a hardened carapace of semi-ironic nihilism.

https://twitter.com/papapishu/status/746803108949409793?lang=en

[Buelligan]

It does seem like you were a pretty darn hardcore kid. I still can't quite get over the fact that you didn't do any homework. That would have been literally unthinkable to me as a kid.

I wasn't hardcore, I was soft-as but, on the homework front at least, we all know who wins in a fight between a mountain and a river. 

[jamiefairlie]

Interesting topic. I too share some of this but I also wonder if the severity of the affect it's had on me has caused me to be underconfident and anxious or am I affected to this degree because I was already that way and a different person would not have been affected as much.

I suspect the latter as you know nasty people can smell anxiety and are drawn to it, like rabid dogs.

[Blue Jam]

I had my own similar pencil case moment.  My nana bought me a fluffy pencil case and I was chuffed with it and took it into school. Now she had chosen blue (for boys) because she was a competent grandmother. But the fluffiness did not fly and it was the object of derision to my utter confusion and embarrassment.  I deflated. How could I square nana's lovely kind thought with being cruelly laughed at?  I couldn't, and then went on with my 7 year old life trusting people a bit less.

I had a blue fluffy pencil case too! Ah, the 90's:

[PaulTMA]

Was a bit of an unpleasant surprise to go in one day at the age of 13 to discover that the entire school had collectively decided I was gay, which wasn't greeted with approval.  I never got my head flushed down the toilet or anything, but the inescapable awareness of others thinking I was odd or some kind of pervert due to supposedly being gay will be an enormous factor in the reason at 38 I'm still seriously desperately searching for help with my lack of self-esteem.  I've tried going back to mindfulness but I find it a complete nightmare, being alone with all these negative thoughts.  I am assured that it is possible to change but right now it just seems like an impossibility.

[José]

have you tried boosting your self esteem by going to the gym? nothing better than setting and acheiving goals to get your head sorted. it's also a great place to meet other closeted homosexual men for discrete casual sex.

[pancreas]

It's like a tide, give into it, boy. Go with it. It's society's crime, not ours.

[PaulTMA]

have you tried boosting your self esteem by going to the gym? nothing better than setting and acheiving goals to get your head sorted. it's also a great place to meet other closeted homosexual men for discrete casual sex.

If this is a reference to what I posted above, then I regret to inform you I'm not gay.  I appreciate that that was intended to be lighthearted but a fairly delicate subject, it is.

Have been going to fitness classes for the last year or so but it's all slid to shit over the last couple of months as things have become difficult.

[Twit 2]

It's like a tide, give into it, boy. Go with it. It's society's crime, not ours.

I know a pair of gay antique bathroom dealers. It was an occasion for joy when I realised they were literally toilet traders.

[king_tubby]

I had a blue fluffy pencil case too! Ah, the 90's:

Hang on, that looks like a woman's fanny.

[shiftwork2]

It's also pretty much nana's pencil case, minus the labia.

[José]

I'm not gay. 

then explain why TMA stands for "touches men's arses".

[PaulTMA]

then explain why TMA stands for "touches men's arses".

Thank you, really kind of you for this kind of thread.

[Kryton]

You're all better than the cunts who tried to drag you down. Be happy that you're alive and not a complete cunt. If nothing else I love you. YOU'RE BETTER THAN THEM.

[Buelligan]

Hey Paul, ignore these fucks.  Just laugh right in their faces, especially in pancreas's because he is completely gay (in real) and soft too, he's not even a tough gay, he's a maths poof. 

I am not joking. 

Ignore them anyway and try to go back to your exercise class as soon as, I think, from my own experiences, these kinds of activities really do help.  Have a hug too.

[Kryton]

Hey Paul, ignore these fucks.  Just laugh right in their faces.

Yeah. Fuck them all. Rise above them. Empower yourself with the fact you're alive and your spirit soars greater than the degenerates that have nothing better to do than hurt people. Your anxieties will fade. You will own this world. I'm drunk.

[Twed]

I know what the TMA stands for: Too Much Information

[PaulTMA]

I know what the TMA stands for: Too Much Information

Fuck you.

[José]

total male arousal.

[chveik]

total male arousal.

are you proud of this? do you think it's representative of your best work?

[José]

are you proud of this? do you think it's representative of your best work?

turgid manhood appreciator

[The Boston Crab]

Just remembered my brother got home one evening having been called names by some local ruffians. I went upstairs and got a golf club and legged it onto the main road and saw one of the cunts had split off from the group (known ruffian, not just a random scamp) and so I followed him, at a distance, sometimes banging the golf club on fences and railings to make him turn around and worry until he started running and then I started running after him shouting, "you're fuckin dead" and then once he got round another corner, I just turned and legged it home because I didn't want to get done by his big brother or the cops and I was actually shitting myself. I'd totally forgotten that until now.

Another time, just remembered, some lad knocked a magazine out of my brother's hand he said so me and some mates found out where he lived, only a few roads away, and we always saved loads of fireworks from bonfire night and bought them cheap after from home bargain and dodgy newsagents and stole them from mates' dads and stuff so we had loads stashed away all year round for whenever we needed them. We tied a load of rockets together into bundles of four and we built these little ramps and in the middle of the night went to this guy's house and aimed about eighty rockets at the house and lit them and then did knock and run and rang the bell and then legged it because the fireworks were firing at the house and my mate filmed it on a camcorder he'd nicked from his dad's. He kept filming til the lights went on in the house. Absolute legendary shit. Probably should have beat him up but I'm a pacifist which means a pussy.

[Jockice]

And I've just remembered, when I was in the upper sixth there was a small bunch of lads in the fourth year who used to regularly 'tease' me (the usual subjects). One of them lived near me and one day we walked past each other and he smirked at me. Not a mere smile. This was a definite smirk. And I lost it. I grabbed him, rammed him against a wall and smacked him a few times, while warning him and his pals to keep out of my way. It was completely out of character (I've probably hit about half a dozen people in my entire life (two of these are relatives and one of the others I broke my finger on) but I'd just had enough. Okay, he was younger than me but he was bigger and I was just a wimp with a limp, which is why he'd previously thought I was an easy target.

Anyway, a few months ago I got a message from him on Facebook asking why I'd done it. I told him and he said that it hadn't been him but he'd found out later on that one of his friends had been 'stirring the pot' with me. Which is bollocks as he'd been one of the ringleaders. But you know, let bygones be bygones and all that. It's obviously played on his mind for 35 years while it's only very occasionally crossed my mind. So, you know, I think I win.

I'm not friends on Facebook with him now though. Unlike the two relatives and the bloke whose finger I broke on his head.

[dex]

Just remembered my brother got home one evening having been called names by some local ruffians. I went upstairs and got a golf club and legged it onto the main road and saw one of the cunts had split off from the group (known ruffian, not just a random scamp) and so I followed him, at a distance, sometimes banging the golf club on fences and railings to make him turn around and worry until he started running and then I started running after him shouting, "you're fuckin dead" and then once he got round another corner, I just turned and legged it home because I didn't want to get done by his big brother or the cops and I was actually shitting myself. I'd totally forgotten that until now.

Another time, just remembered, some lad knocked a magazine out of my brother's hand he said so me and some mates found out where he lived, only a few roads away, and we always saved loads of fireworks from bonfire night and bought them cheap after from home bargain and dodgy newsagents and stole them from mates' dads and stuff so we had loads stashed away all year round for whenever we needed them. We tied a load of rockets together into bundles of four and we built these little ramps and in the middle of the night went to this guy's house and aimed about eighty rockets at the house and lit them and then did knock and run and rang the bell and then legged it because the fireworks were firing at the house and my mate filmed it on a camcorder he'd nicked from his dad's. He kept filming til the lights went on in the house. Absolute legendary shit. Probably should have beat him up but I'm a pacifist which means a pussy.

Legend Gary resides in H.S ART...

[Twit 2]

This kid looked at me funny when I was a kid, right, so I got him on a drips to switch his blood to sand and buried him under the North Sea. He tried to Snapchat me once but I'm not on social media so that backfired, ha!

[The Boston Crab]

My stories were actually true. I wasn't as much of a poof when I was a kid

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Give me your fucking dinner money.

[Dex Sawash]

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