Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening

[NJ Uncut]

Paul's watching an induction video for his first day on the job. He's brought a pen and paper with him, and chosen the seat nearest the fire exit. Have to pay rapt attention to these things, capture everything potentially dangerous.

The poorly made animated instructional video chuffs along merrily enough with its predictable common sense epithets, Paul frantically writing.

Speak to a supervisor if you need help....
Don't smoke on site....
Clock in and out on time...

Paul manages to get it all down, fear of papercuts be damned! But, alas, Paul stiffens as it says:

Do not drink at or before work as it is a dismissable offence.

Fuckin HELL. Dismissed? Fuck fuck fuck

He writes this down as thick and deliberately as he can, and catches the eye of Supervisor Stan standing behind him, such is his fevered transcripting gusto.

Anyone found using or dealing drugs on site will be terminated and the police called.

Woah, sacked AND banged up?? FUCK ME WITH A CONDOM. Paul decides this is VERY risky. Best not eff about. He dare not touch drugs, the myriad dangers terrify him, but you can't be too careful. He writes  down in big capital letters:

DON'T USE OR SELL DRUGS HERE!!

He emphatically scribbles a line under this line for emphasis. And another. Draws arrows pointing to it. Circles the word "here" as well to emphasise the verboten nature of ganja in the workplace. Sacked and banged up. No, no, that's not safe at all!

Supervisor Stan can't help but clock this, and his supervisory eyebrows raise as he witnesses this. Most queer, he reckons. He walks out to call security on his walkie talkie.

"Supervisor Stan here. Hi Securityman Simon, There could be a drug dealer on site, he's acting very suspicious. Seems to have warned himself against getting caught here, but God knows what mental shit he's into out of hours.... can you meet me in meeting room 5? Yes Simon, I'd like you to perform a full cavity search please. I know it's unusual, but we simply can't take any chances. Be rough with this scum."

Supervisor Stan looks at Paul again. Looks harmless, this fella, but could be hiding in plain sight. Still scribbling away like he's Charlied up to his beak. What nefarious druggy escapades does he get up to elsewhere?? You just can't be too safe.

[NJ Uncut]

Paul's new colleague is a pretty young lass who is watching Mindhunter and gabbing aboot it. He overhears her joking about wanting to shag Ted Bundy. "Girls love bad boys!"

Seems like a perfect in to build a rapport - he knows ALL the serial killers and their MOs, and knows what to look for. Could even give himself a bit of cred. Paul thinks of a good line, "See, if I was a serial killer, I like to think I'd be methodical. These modern spree killers are just fame hungry."

But she's stressed. Nobody wants to talk to her aboot serial killers. "None of you know anything about these serial killers! If any of you can name a single American serial killer I'll kiss you."

... Best not chance it matey. She might be interested in Bundy because she's a rare serial killer herself.

Paul keeps schtum.

[NJ Uncut]

Paul arrives at Alton Towers, checks himself in on Facebook, snaps a few selfies and leaves. Phew, he got out unscathed! Even the Tea Cups can be a death trap. Paul don't wanna end up as a statitistic.

[NJ Uncut]

Paul earns the fury and ire of drivers everywhere by pressing the buttons at pedestrian crossings. Mainly because he doesn't actually fucking cross. Just any he passes. Any.

But yknow. If he did cross. Best get it done early doors, takes 105 seconds for these. Anything could happen in that time!

[NJ Uncut]

Paul reads that flying on an airplane is statistically as safe as crossing the road.

Fuckin hell. Best bin off both.

[petril]

Paul walks around town in a daze. it's a bright sunny day, and everything looks clear. not a bit of grain in sight. It even looks sunny. Paul can't face this

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Hey, New Jack's back!

[NJ Uncut]

Hey, New Jack's back!

Paul isn't.

The oil refinery he is working on caught fire! The power went out. Everyone else left.

But nobody gave him the go-ahead to go home himself, so he's still sitting in the building next to the blazing chimney.

Can't take risks in incidents like this, eh, Paul?

[petril]

Paul isn't.

The oil refinery he is working on caught fire! The power went out. Everyone else left.

But nobody gave him the go-ahead to go home himself, so he's still sitting in the building next to the blazing chimney.

Can't take risks in incidents like this, eh, Paul?

all there is left is a telly with no aerial, a VCR and some old tapes-... oh no, he can't possibly do that, he'd get the jail

[NJ Uncut]

all there is left is a telly with no aerial, a VCR and some old tapes-... oh no, he can't possibly do that, he'd get the jail

Paul's tempted, but is there a TV License for these premises?

... Definitely can't risk it, a TV detector van might well drive right up to his building in the centre of the 8 acre shutdown site undergoing an emergency.

Paul continues to sit in the dark, waiting for the all clear, hot as he's getting.

[Glebe]

"Better not do anything for the rest of my life; just to play it safe!"

[NJ Uncut]

"Better not do anything for the rest of my life; just to play it safe!"

Doing nothing leads to a shorter lifespan!

SO CONFLICTED!

Although less life = less chance of danger happening. Paul doesn't even fuckin need to look that one up.

[NJ Uncut]

Oh god, my mouse is sticking. Why won't it.. Bloody thing. Maybe it's dirty? Maybe it's dirt under there? But it's not a roller mouse, it's a laser mouse.

But it still could have dirt... By Christ's bones, I don't want filth on me. Maybe I should pick it up and..

Woah woah woah woah WOAH WOAH WOAH there Paulie boy. You're gonna pick up your mouse? Your LASER mouse? And look with your EYES?

LASER IN EYES MEANS BLINDNESS!

... Better not meddle.

[GMTV]

Five all nighters in a row on TripAdvisor trying to select a one night stay at an airport hotel.

[petril]

ah shite I thought it was a rig not a refinery

[Glebe]

Doing nothing leads to a shorter lifespan!

SO CONFLICTED!

Although less life = less chance of danger happening. Paul doesn't even fuckin need to look that one up.

"I'll do the odd thing - just to hedge my bets!"

[NJ Uncut]

Paul watches everything with subtitles on.

I'm not just on about TV and film.

EVERYTHING

[NJ Uncut]

Paul buys a return bus ticket when he's only going one way, even when he's driving to the airport

[NJ Uncut]

Even if the condom wanks are a bit flawed, at least Paul is on the pill.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Paul gets a tetanus shot every time he cuts himself shaving.

Every time.

[NJ Uncut]

The first date was pretty darn good. Paul was courteous, at the end of the night not even trying to make it physical, simply taking her hand and wishing her goodnight. She seemed to like that.

"Why's she ghosting me?" Paul thinks, recalling the fleeting contact they made, shuddering and reflexively whipping out his bottle of antibacterial gel for another lather.

[NJ Uncut]

"Why are you an hour late?" demands Paul's boss

"I'm never late, been here a while."

"Where were you for the last hour then Paul?"

"Well, I didn't get all the notes down at last Monday's induction, so I sat in today's to finish my notes."

"OK, at least you were on site. But you didn't clock in an hour ago, can't see one from you this whole morning?"

"I clocked in at five past midnight, just in case the system went down."

[Sebastian Cobb]

Paul has never tried Bass Boost on his Walkman. Too risky.

[Glebe]

PiSP is about to leave for work, when he hears a voice calling him from outside.

"There's a sausage dog in y'driveway, Paul!"

Paul gives his wife, Play-it-Safe Pauline, a worried look, then goes to the window to check. There is indeed a sausage dog in his drive.

"Thanks, my good neighbour, 'Warning Wayne', I'll take that into account!" Paul shouts out the window.

"What do you think, love? Should I pull a sickie?" Paul asks his wife, placing his briefcase down on the coffee table.

"I dunno," worries Pauline, "You were told that if you miss another day due to 'playing-it-safe' and not going into work, you would be given the sack. We could lose the house and be unable to provide for our children."

"Stick the kettle on!" chirrups Paul, loosing his tie. "Once again, I have a feeling that 'playing-it-safe' might be the best option!"

Pauline does her duty as a wife, but there is a tear in her eye as she realizes the relationship is over.

[Sebastian Cobb]

^ now she'll have to text Reckless Ronnie not to pop round, although he probably will anyway, lost his phone I expect.

[Glebe]

Play-it Safe has been looking forward to the Bon Jovi concert all week, but he doesn't go and instead hides inside a cardboard box in the attic ("Just in case!").

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

PiSP is about to leave for work, when he hears a voice calling him from outside.

"There's a sausage dog in y'driveway, Paul!"

Paul gives his wife, Play-it-Safe Pauline, a worried look, then goes to the window to check. There is indeed a sausage dog in his drive.

"Thanks, my good neighbour, 'Warning Wayne', I'll take that into account!" Paul shouts out the window.

"What do you think, love? Should I pull a sickie?" Paul asks his wife, placing his briefcase down on the coffee table.

"I dunno," worries Pauline, "You were told that if you miss another day due to 'playing-it-safe' and not going into work, you would be given the sack. We could lose the house and be unable to provide for our children."

"Stick the kettle on!" chirrups Paul, loosing his tie. "Once again, I have a feeling that 'playing-it-safe' might be the best option!"

Pauline does her duty as a wife, but there is a tear in her eye as she realizes the relationship is over.

"Fuck this for a lark" thinks Sausage Dog Stanley ( in Sausage Dog language ), who then walks out of Play-It-Safe Paul's drive with his amusing Sausage Dog gait, and down the road to his owner ( Dog-Owning Danny ), under the searing gaze of his owner's neighbour (Canine-Coveting Clarence ).

[NJ Uncut]

Paul creates a Spotify playlist. He's taken the key tracks from the albums Thriller, the Eagles' Greatest Hits, Back in Black, Dark Side of the Moon, and The Bodyguard soundtrack.

[Glebe]

"There's the green light, Paul, GO!"

"Nah, darling, better play it safe. Oh fuck I caused a pile up."

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

"There's the green light, Paul, GO!"

"Nah, darling, better play it safe. Oh fuck I caused a pile up."

One of  the funniest entries so far. Great , economical juxtaposition of Play-It-safe Paul's two lines.