Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening

[Glebe]

Paul decides to retire. "It seems that only Glebe is posting about me now! Plus, it's safer, of course!"

[Glebe]

"Alright," says Paul, "I'll stick around as a H.S. Art character on one condition... that I remain safe and ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!

And down the manhole he goes!

[Glebe]

"No tree this year, Paulette, in case the pine needles are poisonous."

[Glebe]

"Why don't you want to get a turkey this year, love?"

"Because, Paulette, there's every chance there's a turkey BSC... I don't want to wake up on Boxing Day, foaming at the mouth with mad turkey syndrome!"

[jenna appleseed]

Play it safe Paul has a nice safe nostalgic browse of an old telly forum thread about old safety videos
"oh look" he says out loud "somebody made a cosy old video all about the importance of playing it safe, with that nice Bernard Cribbins as a robin".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7D-ScnxDV0

10 minutes later, he's whimpering, traumatised and planning to unplug everything.

By the time his wife comes home, everything electrical & small enough has been thrown out the window & he's barricaded himself in a cupboard "so the evil electricity can't zap me".

[buttgammon]

Play it safe Paul has a nice safe nostalgic browse of an old telly forum thread about old safety videos
"oh look" he says out loud "somebody made a cosy old video all about the importance of playing it safe, with that nice Bernard Cribbins as a robin".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7D-ScnxDV0

10 minutes later, he's whimpering, traumatised and planning to unplug everything.

By the time his wife comes home, everything electrical & small enough has been thrown out the window & he's barricaded himself in a cupboard "so the evil electricity can't zap me".

Paul watches Better Call Saul for safety inspiration, but has to turn it off because the sight of Bob Odenkirk scaling a giant billboard without a harness makes him panic.

[Glebe]

Paul and Paulette go for a morning stroll but unfortunately Pauette falls into quicksand.

"Quick, Paul! Save me!"

"Nah sorry Paulette it's too dangerous! Again, soz," sayeth Paul as he legs it.

[Glebe]

"Send 'em back. I'm not racist, but there's danger in new immigrants swanning into our green and pleasant isle unchecked!"

[Glebe]

"I'd give money to charities, only I'd be afraid those funds would be diverted toward terrorism."

[Glebe]

"EastEnders is starting love!"

"Alright, Paulette, helmets on... can't be too careful when watching telly!"

[Glebe]

"Fancy a kiss under the mistletoe, Paul?"

"No, Paulette. Potentially poisonous."

[Glebe]

"Look Paul... you were afraid to get a real Christmas tree due to your fear that the pine needles could potentially be poisonous, so I've bought us an artificial one!"

"Are you mad, woman? If there's a fire and it melts, the fumes could potentially kill us!"

[Glebe]

Paul never walks more than 1 kilometre in one go, in case his legs fall off.

[Chollis]

"A vasectomy is a fairly routine procedure Mr. Play-it-safe, I'll simply cut and tie the male- "

"I want the whole cock gone."

[Glebe]

"PAUL! What are you doing stuck halfway up the chimney?!"

"I was gonna surprize the little 'uns as Santa, but it went wrong."

"That's surprizingly unsafe of you, husband!"

"Yeah, must be losing my touch, love."

[Glebe]

"Sorry Paulette, I'm gonna bury myself in the garden, 2020's looking like the end of the world!"

"For once I agree Play-it-Safe, I'll get the shovel."

[buttgammon]

Mrs Paul comes home with a box of Christmas crackers. Play it Safe Paul reports her to the police for possessing explosives, and she is charged under the Terrorism Act.

[Glebe]

"Gonna hide inside an air raid shelter for the winter love, there's bugs going around!"

[Glebe]

"Gonna get my eyes lazered for next year, so I have 20-20 vision... just in case the because its gonna be the year 2020, that's some indication that I should do that, or summit!"

[Glebe]

Paul sellotapes himself to the armchair to avoid  "bad things happenin'"

[Glebe]

"Not leaving the house on Boxing Day love in case somebody takes the day literally and boxes me in my flipping face!"

[Glebe]

Paul rings everyone he has ever known to tell them not to invite him to any New Year's Eve parties. "Hogmanay is off for me, it's too dangerous!"

[Glebe]

"Ooh no love, I've got the AIDS!"

"You weren't safe enough Paul. It serves you right."

[Glebe]

Paul decides never to watch The Rise of Skywalker because, "I can't risk feeling that I have closed a chapter on childhood."

[petril]

Paul is caught in a stupor, wondering if being vaccinated was bad because he might be autistic(and getting that checked is fraught with its own dangers so we won't) or not bad because he avoided rubella et al

[Glebe]

Paul disintegrates down to the molecular level, "in order to avoid bad things happening to my person."

[Glebe]

"It's safe to come out, Paul! The New Year's fireworks have stopped!"

"Phew! Oh wait a minute... I see a child in the street with a sparkler... take cover!"

[Glebe]

"Since you no longer consider it safe to make love with me Paul I suggest we come to some sort of 'understanding' with each other and I can go out and sleep with other men."

"But Paulette, that will bring the danger of STDS!"

"Yeah but you're to nervous to have carnal relations with me now anyway, husband!"

"Oh yeah. Shag away then!"

[Glebe]

PiP glues himself to the floor so that he won't accidentally go somewhere dangerous!

[buttgammon]

To reduce the risk of developing any sudden food allergies, Paul goes nil by mouth.