Author Topic: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening  (Read 13708 times)

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #150 on: January 11, 2020, 08:49:14 AM »
Paul's psychiatrist recommends he overcome his fears through gradual exposure. "You might be afraid to go out when it's raining, so maybe buy a big umbrella and challenge yourself to go for a stroll when there's a little sun shower!"

Paul goes home, locks himself in the cupboard and NEVER COMES OUT AGAIN.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #151 on: January 13, 2020, 07:54:33 PM »
Paul hides inside the Lovely Ball! "Nice and safe in here, move over Glebe... oh sorry mate I'm not supposed to reveal that you are in here!"

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #152 on: January 19, 2020, 07:59:40 PM »
Paul concentrates. He concentrates harder. Harder still. Eventually he is able to remove his consciousness from this plane of existence. "Phew, safe at last!"

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #153 on: January 22, 2020, 04:47:43 AM »
Paul hides under a stool, "until the breaxit is over."

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #154 on: January 28, 2020, 04:19:34 PM »
PAULETTE: Come on Paul why don't we watch some telly! It might cheer you up and make you less anxious!

PAUL: Okay love good idea!

NEWSCASTER: The Doomsday Clock has moved closer to doom than ever!

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #155 on: January 30, 2020, 06:51:54 PM »
PAUL: Y'know the way scientists' predictions are not always spot on Paulette, well I'm scared that all the stuff with Y2K and Armageddon and all that that was supposed to happen in 2000 might happen now.

PAULETTE: Doomsday Clock, mate. Doomsday Clock.

Pingers

  • I can produce 3,500 water voles a year if required
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #156 on: January 31, 2020, 02:00:22 PM »
Paul is 1% more likely to visit Australia now that the bushfires have killed all the snakes and spiders

ToneLa

  • New Jack City
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #157 on: March 06, 2020, 12:50:45 PM »
Paul's trepidatious about work's new drug and alcohol testing and decides to head it off at the pass.

"Going to have to resign, boss", Paul glumly admits.

"Why, Paul? You're our most diligent worker. Sure, your reports are horrifyingly late, but always perfect by the time we eventually get them. And you put in more hours than everyone else put together."

Paul sighs. "Thing is. I'm not proud of this, boss. But my cousin lives in Reading and Whatsapped me last month saying he walked past a few teenagers smoking what could have been spice. He's no expert, but he said it smelt a bit like burning. He visited us last weekend and we shook hands hello and goodbye, and though I went through tons of bottles of hand sanitizer, I can't be too sure it didn't transmit that foul drug. I just can't come to work any more knowing I'm a filthy addict. I obviously have a problem."

The boss mulls this over. "Hmm. I understand your concerns Paul. I'm actually quite surprised."

"I know, gaffer, it's not like me to worry. I just think it's the right thing to do if I've got drugs in my system."

"No, I mean - I thought you'd be locked in your basement without human contact because of this coronavirus. But this??"

Paul furrows his well-furrowed brow. "The whatnow? Sorry, been a bit out the loop - my telly had a hum so I've been afraid to turn it on, concerned of electric shocks and not seen any news. Also same goes for laptop. Also I don't carry a mobile cause the 5G death rays might make me infertile. Also, newspapers might cause a papercut. And as for the radio -"

"Paul, do you really mean to say you haven't heard about it? It's really huge news. Still, probably nothing to worry about, but here's a leaflet we're issuing on it. Basic hygiene should take care of it, yknow?"

Paul gingerly handles the leaflet - those edges look sharp - and scans it briefly, nods his understanding at the content therein, calmly packs the leaflet into his back pocket, clears his throat, and proceeds to run, screaming AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH like a maniac, deliriously frightened, out the office, arms flailing in the air, as fast as his little legs can carry him home, a trail of piss left behind him, to bolt himself up in the SafetyBasement.

The end times have finally come.

Spoon of Ploff

  • visitors are welcome to Sheerness
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #158 on: March 06, 2020, 12:58:41 PM »
Play-it-Safe Paul (2) washes his paracetamol tablets in detergent.

ToneLa

  • New Jack City
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #159 on: March 06, 2020, 01:00:02 PM »
Paul has a glass of water, still feels thirsty and pours another.

Wait, Paulie, wait. Remember Leah Betts

ToneLa

  • New Jack City
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #160 on: March 06, 2020, 01:03:05 PM »
Paul takes his Rustlers out of the microwave. Hmm, only feels warm, rather than hot. He considers popping it in for another thirty seconds

Wait, Paulie, wait. Remember Grenfell. Remember Simon Weston

Pingers

  • I can produce 3,500 water voles a year if required
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #161 on: March 06, 2020, 01:24:59 PM »
Those are both great, and a pleasing return from the Creator

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Are we human? Or are we toilet
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #162 on: March 13, 2020, 10:08:13 AM »
Play it Safe Paul declares he has cancelled a 5 minute walk around the block 'out of an abundance of caution'.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #163 on: March 13, 2020, 10:19:14 AM »
Paul is put in a loony bin due to the current health crisis.

Chollis

  • Master of Codes
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #164 on: March 13, 2020, 10:23:42 AM »
Paul is feelingly absolutely fine about the coronavirus! Honestly!

Pingers

  • I can produce 3,500 water voles a year if required
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #165 on: March 18, 2020, 08:28:43 AM »
Newly-qualified food hygeine inspector Paul stands outside his very first establishment, his smart clothes neatly pressed (iron set to only 2 dots though, just in case, and definitely no steam), clipboard, 8 biros in case some run out, all heavily sprayed with anti-bac which he cleared the supermarkets of 3 weeks ago, an encyclopaedic knowledge of the legislation embedded in his brain after months of endless study.

"Right Paul", he thinks to himself, "let's get this done and play it safe".

"Now who's this cunt?" mutters Tony Bastard.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #166 on: March 19, 2020, 01:19:49 PM »
"Is it safe to come out, Paulette?"

"Not for another few months yet, Paul. Back in the box you go."

"Thanks love. This whole thing has been my worst nihtmare come true, but at least I've been able to say 'I told you so!'"

"I want a divorce, Paul."

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #167 on: March 20, 2020, 07:19:37 AM »
"Paulette, please go to the shop and get Dettol."

"Out of stock everywhere love."

Paul's head literally explodes.

"It was for the best, really," sighs Paulette.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #168 on: March 22, 2020, 02:04:23 PM »
"Fancy going to Tony's for a bite to eat, Paul?"

"Paulette, I'm surprised at you! That's really irresponsible!"

"You're right love, better stay home till this thing blows over."

"I'm not talking about the covids, I mean Tony's grub! You're talking your life into your own hands every time you order one of his infamous 'guess-what?' fry-ups!"

buttgammon

  • How thick is wall?
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #169 on: March 22, 2020, 06:09:23 PM »
Paul is sent to Hell for the sin of excessive caution. On meeting Satan for the first time, he asks for some oven gloves.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #170 on: March 25, 2020, 01:43:13 PM »
"-Not yet, Paul, not yet," warns Pauline, "be a few more months at least."

Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #171 on: March 25, 2020, 07:02:38 PM »
Paul removes and then adds his wife back into his will every single day, just incase she has an affair and he dies.

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