Author Topic: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening  (Read 13770 times)

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #30 on: September 25, 2019, 07:13:13 PM »

"There's the green light, Paul, GO!"

"Nah, darling, better play it safe. Oh fuck I caused a pile up."

Paul would congratulate the almost Zen-like congruence of opposites there to imply a richer whole, but there's no way he's googling any religion on his work laptop after 9/11

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #31 on: September 26, 2019, 12:01:57 PM »
"Fucking hell, this report's a mess," Paul's colleague Carefree Craig says in his corner, beavering away at his job.

Paul steps out, trying to not draw attention to himself, and rings the local mental health facility.

"Yes, been talking to himself... Yes he might become dangerous... Yes, I think you'd better subdue him when you arrive, as he might not come quietly. Sectioning is the only way to be sure, of course I'll sign to authorise, thanks for your assistance" whispers Paul into his IPhone (held not quite to his head, in case of radiation fears), who then strides back into the office and engages the maniac in small talk to ensure he smells no danger. Nutters have a sixth sense about getting lifted, Paul has long assumed and never heard specifically refuted.

The total lunatic is just jabbering away. "Yeah, tonight's my daughter"'s fifth birthday, I've got her presents in the car!"

The men with butterfly nets will be here within the hour. Seems alright most of the time, Craig, but...

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #32 on: October 04, 2019, 07:49:06 AM »
Paul's car did an odd judder yesterday afternoon, so it's in for repairs. He's got work tomorrow, but you can't let these things slide.

At his house in the morning, four cabs from competing companies show up.

"Where's the fifth?" cries Paul, looking out of his bulletproof living room window. "Let alone the sixth. I knew this would happen!"

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #33 on: October 04, 2019, 07:57:22 AM »
Big Boss Barry's phone rings. It's Paul. Of course it is. He lets it go to voicemail, and plays it back.

"Hi, really sorry to do this, but there's a huge chance I'll be late.."

Big Boss Barry looks out of his top floor office window, and can just about make out Paul, the next street over, getting into a cab, after seemingly telling the others to follow it.

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #34 on: October 10, 2019, 06:51:55 PM »
Paul finds a fiver just right there in the street!

... The Mafia might come looking for it...

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #35 on: October 10, 2019, 11:18:29 PM »
Paul tells his boss not to pay him this month, as "my work had not been up to my usual high standard in the last few weeks, but if you can arrange for me to be docked an entire months wages, you might reconsider sacking me, even though I know you are satisfied with my work and are definitely not even remotely considering doing such a thing, but, y'know, 'Play-it-Safe' Paul!" *jazz hands*

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #36 on: October 11, 2019, 04:07:52 AM »
Paul wins £20 million quid on the Lotto, but decides not to claim it. "As karmic laws have proven time and again, such great fortune is only going to trigger equally bad -if not worse! - bad fortune... and anyway, that much money can only cause trouble, surely?" he explains to his wife, as she packs her bags and rings a taxi.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #37 on: October 12, 2019, 06:01:25 PM »
Paul decides not to breath for the rest of his life, "as there are harmful smokes from local pollution pipes nowadays."

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #38 on: October 12, 2019, 08:51:19 PM »
Paul decides not to breath for the rest of his life, "as there are harmful smokes from local pollution pipes nowadays."

A colleague jokes with Paul that all water is ancient, has been here or in space forever, and each molecule has passed through countless organisms time and again

The nurses are awful nice despite wondering why he got deliberately dehydrated.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #39 on: October 12, 2019, 11:37:44 PM »
"Tins of dried food - check. Several gallons of water - check. Alright, love close the capsule!"

"Look, Paul, this is a bit extreme, isn't it? We can't live inside this thing for the rest of our lives!"

"Not for the rest of our lives, love... we'll have to replenish our supplies and slop out occasionally. But we'll try and live in here for as much as possible."

"Paul, this is mad! Look, I... I... I'm going, Paul. I really am leaving you this time!"

Paul's not listening.

"It's safer this way... safer..."

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #40 on: October 13, 2019, 07:37:21 AM »
Paul's in a hot air balloon!

"Wow, and look, that's a church... Look at those houses... Those people are so far away!"

"Ready to lift off then mate?“

" Oh goodness me no, the view is spectacular enough from right here!"

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #41 on: October 13, 2019, 05:58:29 PM »
"Paul! Hurry up! We're going to be late, dear!"

"No thanks love, decided I'm not going!"

"But Paul! I've been looking forward to this dinner for weeks! We can't let Diane and her husband - whose name I will reveal in the punchline - down!"

"But something bad might happen if we go out, love!"

The phone rings. Paulette answers.

"That was Diane, Paul. You're in luck. Her hubby, Better-Not Barry has decided they had 'Better not' go out."

Paul breathes a deep sigh of relief.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #42 on: October 15, 2019, 02:37:46 PM »
"Paul, what on Earth are you doing in the washing machine?!?"

"Just thought if I deliberately put meself in harm's way it would be safer."

Chollis

  • Master of Codes
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #43 on: October 15, 2019, 03:21:44 PM »
It's movie night in the Play-It-Safe household, so Paul dons his military grade chemsuit and heads to the nuclear bunker in the garden while Paulette readies the popcorn for the microwave.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #44 on: October 15, 2019, 05:10:45 PM »
"Ready for our three-week sojourn through India, Paul? Paul?!"

Berthas Fat Leg

  • The Potato King Won’t Let Me
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #45 on: October 16, 2019, 05:44:31 PM »
Paul goes for an Italian, orders a margherita, ‘without any cheese though, please.’

Paul doesn’t want to risk taking that reusable Sainsbury’s bag into his local Tesco, in case you’re not allowed to. He will go hungry this week instead.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #46 on: October 16, 2019, 06:12:19 PM »
"Come on Paul, let's go on the Big Dipper!"

"Nah, mate. You go ahead. They don't call you Putting-His-Life-in-Danger-At-the-Fairground Phil for nothing!"

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #47 on: October 17, 2019, 03:30:17 AM »
"Tea's up Pau- why are you digging up the garden, dear?"

"Building an underground shelter, love -never know when them missiles will start flying!"

Paulette tears up and goes to make 'The Phone Call'.

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #48 on: October 18, 2019, 07:26:00 PM »
Paul considers going in half-cocked, and decided that's 100% too cocked.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #49 on: October 19, 2019, 10:28:26 PM »
Paul spends years training to become a physicist so that he can figure out how to scientifically stop anything bad happening to him.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #50 on: October 20, 2019, 06:51:29 PM »
Paul spots Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy looking at a PlayStation VR in the window of Currys. "I wouldn't bother, mate," he advises. "You'll only end up feeling foolish and childish wearing that thing. Take my advise, play it safe and just treat yourself to a new iPad instead."

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #51 on: October 21, 2019, 04:42:50 AM »
"Thundering Horseman, Paul. That's an insider tip, mate!"

"Nah, I won't even put a quid on that, Betting Barney. Better safe than sorry!"

"Fuck off you knob 'ead."

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #52 on: October 21, 2019, 07:33:15 AM »
Bit chilly out today, only 8 degrees. Brr!

Paul slathers on some sunblock.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #53 on: October 23, 2019, 04:56:30 AM »
"There you are, love! I thought you were just going for a quick jog... where have you been?"

"I thought to myself, 'Slow down, you're moving too fast...' and so the 'jog' became a very slow trudge! Anyway, what's for dinner, Paulette? Something plain again I hope, don't want to get food poisoning!"

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #54 on: October 23, 2019, 07:42:19 PM »
Paul sticks on the censored version of Straight Outta Compton

Paused less than a second in; sirens worry Paul, and rightly so - what if he needs to give way? Sure, he's in his desk chair with the gym padding around it right now, but life has a habit of sneaking up on you!

Paul relaxes with a drink, staring at the album cover with a street pride; until he needs a burst. One swift unlock of the triple locks and padlock from the inside of his bedroom and an entering the combination for the bathroom after the customary fully-prone crawl along the landing to scope for burglars, his gun at the ready, later, he's ready to press play again! After the coming back procedure is sorted, and the gun put away in its boxes.

Safety on, of course - don't worry about our Paul! Plus it's only a blue water pistol (black would be too convincing, if the police were looking into his bedroom one of these nights in his hood).

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #55 on: October 23, 2019, 07:47:16 PM »
Paul doesn't mind his comedy getting a little "blue", he's no square, but he has to turn down the offer of a free ticket, sorry - a joke is a joke but Ross Noble is just too ribald for Paulie.

Plus what if he needs to go the loo?? That would mean his bag has failed (his piss bag, not to mention the other bag, though if his urine is strong enough to break through the condom, then he's got bigger problems than a comedian asking if he needs a slash!)

Fraught offer that. No, no, Paul thanks you for the offer, but no to that gig ticket. Being fraught just isn't comedy, as Paul used to tell his old flame, Reasonably Boring Rita, when she'd make one of her insane requests she thought of as perfectly usual - your ex is always a nutter, isnt it?

Paul gasps at the observational comedic line he's just thought. Could tell that at work to the lads, they're a broad-binded lot who barely ever seem to calculate myriad probabilities instantly like Paul manages.

Mmm, might offend though. And that's always the problem with comedy, isn't it?

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #56 on: October 23, 2019, 07:55:12 PM »
Paul is bursting for a piss, but decides not to go, "in case the flush breaks and the piss won't flush!"

jenna appleseed

  • "F••• you Captain Tom."
    • Blog for a Dennis Wilson (Beach Boys) charity fanzine.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #57 on: October 23, 2019, 11:03:50 PM »
"There you are, love! I thought you were just going for a quick jog... where have you been?"

"I thought to myself, 'Slow down, you're moving too fast...'

hadn't to stop the song there though, didn't I, didn't want to run the risk of feeling a bit groovy. That's going a bit too far.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #58 on: October 26, 2019, 03:24:03 AM »
"Paul, you'll be late for work! Where are you?"

"I'm in the bedroom wardrobe, love. Not coming out EVER AGAIN! Safer this way!"

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #59 on: October 27, 2019, 07:17:26 PM »
Paul concentrates really hard and fades from existence. Safe at last!

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