Author Topic: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening  (Read 13769 times)

NJ Uncut

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Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #60 on: October 28, 2019, 07:56:11 AM »
Paul logs onto his work's time sheet system to declare his hours. A warning comes up.

BY SUBMITTING THESE HOURS YOU AGREE THEY ARE AN ACCURATE RECORDING OF YOUR HOURS WORKED.

Ulp!

Paul can't remember if he was two minutes late on Wednesday or Thursday. Doesn't want to submit a false number...

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #61 on: October 29, 2019, 12:28:16 AM »
It's 1979, and Paul's soul is hovering as he is about to be born.

"Hmm, better not! Perhaps I can convince another soul to enter my body before it is brought into the world?"

Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #62 on: October 29, 2019, 11:30:47 PM »
Butters a years worth of toast, just in case some mornings he won't have time.

madhair60

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Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #63 on: October 30, 2019, 02:28:48 PM »
Feeling a sneeze coming, Paul launches himself head-first down the stairs.

Experiencing crippling anxiety over his imminent fatherhood, Paul gently coaxes his birthing daughter back into his wife's womb.

Paul switches off all his lights, locks the front door, signs into a VPN, through which he signs into a second VPN, then checks his Hotmail.

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #64 on: October 30, 2019, 03:04:00 PM »
Paul wraps his schlong in a couple of condoms and gracefully enters Bertha, his brand-new blow-up doll

Glebe

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Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #65 on: October 31, 2019, 02:19:23 AM »
Paul decides not to hand out goodies to children on Halloween, in case the allergy-safe things he bought aren't allergy-safe and some kids go sweets-mental.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #66 on: November 01, 2019, 03:58:40 AM »
"Better not continue... best if they stop posting things about my fictitious life... but wait a minute, if I'm only made up then I can't come to no harm, surely?!? Hmmm, better not risk it, will try and vanish off the forum!"

Glebe

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Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #67 on: November 02, 2019, 12:03:54 PM »
"I've fitted your new bike with stabilizers Paul, you'll be able to cycle to work this morning!"

"Hmmm, nah, I'm still not sure about this Paulette!"

"Nonsense, it's safe as houses!"

"Houses can get broken into... nah, that feeble saying has not assured me. And I'm running late as I didn't get up early enough to do my usual two-hour walk (on a specially-planned 'safe' route) to work, so I'll have to risk the bus... where's me hazmat suit, love?"

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #68 on: November 03, 2019, 02:27:40 AM »
"Seatbelts on, love. Safety first!"

"We're only sitting down to watch EastEnders, Paul. Only sitting down to watch EastEnders."

buttgammon

  • How thick is wall?
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #69 on: November 03, 2019, 09:34:23 AM »
It take Paul so long to reverse out of his space in the Tesco car park that all of his perishables are already perished by the time he returns home. "Must hire a refrigerated van next time," he thinks to himself.

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #70 on: November 03, 2019, 01:36:43 PM »
Paul quite likes refereeing the Sunday under 16s footie for the local youth league, but it's pretty damn lonely since he's sent off all the outfield players, some of the parents, a passing man walking his dog and a jumbo jet up above for "playing in a dangerous manner".

Laws of the game, innit. Only 86 minutes left!

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #71 on: November 04, 2019, 02:39:39 AM »
"There you go hubby, a nice, safe bowl of tomato soup!"

"Hmmm... dunno, love, I could bite my tongue by accident!"

madhair60

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Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #72 on: November 04, 2019, 11:29:11 AM »
Paul photocopies his arse as a humorous office prank. Kept his trousers on, of course.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #73 on: November 04, 2019, 12:02:45 PM »
Paul photocopies his arse as a humorous office prank. Kept his trousers on, of course.

And then he doesn't show it to anyone anyway. "Best play it safe, wouldn't want to upset anyone!"

Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #74 on: November 04, 2019, 12:07:57 PM »
Paul decides enough is enough and attaches a hosepipe to his Tesla.

Glebe

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Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #75 on: November 04, 2019, 12:09:13 PM »
Paul decides enough is enough and attaches a hosepipe to his Tesla.

He doesn't go through with it though ("Best play it safe!").

Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #76 on: November 04, 2019, 01:33:49 PM »
Paul injects chameleon blood into himself, in a last ditched approach to create camouflaged offspring.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #77 on: November 04, 2019, 04:45:50 PM »
Paul retracts a complaint written to the BBC about editorial standards because he doesn't want anyone working there to get in trouble.

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Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #78 on: November 04, 2019, 04:59:40 PM »
Paul stands at his toilet all day and night just in case he is seized by an unprecedented urge to piss.  "Better to have no steady income or sleep than wet trousers," he tells himself.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #79 on: November 05, 2019, 10:19:01 AM »
"Hmmm, better not think anymore, in case a bad, disturbing though pops into m'brain!"

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Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #80 on: November 05, 2019, 05:33:09 PM »
Paul routinely sands down the corners of all his cardboard food cartons lest their 90-degree angles reach out and mortally wound him with their wicked pointedness.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #81 on: November 06, 2019, 01:36:29 AM »
Paul gets trapped down the side of the cooker during a momentary lapse of caution. He survives by eating a Walnut Whip he had concealed in his bumbag.

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #82 on: November 06, 2019, 07:56:48 AM »
Paul cancels his long-planned holiday after his Out of Office message gets so arduously long that even trying to edit in another emergency contact's home address crashes Outlook irreparably

Beagle 2

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Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #83 on: November 06, 2019, 10:14:30 AM »
In a moment of uncharacteristic frivolity, Paul pranks a neighbour by swapping the two milk bottles on his doorstep to the other side of the doorstep.

After an agonising morning of worry he takes two hours of TOIL to return and switch them back.

Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #84 on: November 06, 2019, 10:32:24 AM »
After much deliberation, Paul decides to go for a Mars rather than a Snickers. As he's handing the money over to Mr. Chakraborty, he gets cold feet and plumps for a Milky Way instead.

"One step at a time, Paul. One step at a time."

Rich Uncle Skeleton

  • Oh it's a whole flock of detectives.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #85 on: November 06, 2019, 10:43:54 AM »
Browsing facebook, Paul spots a photo of his 19 year old neice on holiday with friends in Majorca. He clicks "like" but immediately withdraws it in a panic. Becky wouldn't mind, but what if one of her friends has brothers who turn up at the door. "That blonde one certainly looks the sort."

As he tries to scroll down and put this close call behind him, Paul accidentally adds the girl as a friend. Christ.

Five minutes later, emergency suitcases in the boot, the family are taking the B roads to escape on a ferry to the Isle Of Wight where they'll wait for this to blow over. Six months should do it.

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #86 on: November 06, 2019, 12:13:27 PM »
Paul is dismayed to learn the proposed adult verification to visit porn websites from the government has been shelved.

So he scans his passport and emails it to all the porn sites he may potentially use one day, just in case they think he's a minor.

buttgammon

  • How thick is wall?
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #87 on: November 06, 2019, 12:21:07 PM »
Paul is dismayed to learn the proposed adult verification to visit porn websites from the government has been shelved.

So he scans his passport and emails it to all the porn sites he may potentially use one day, just in case they think he's a minor.

He goes to the shop to buy a box of condoms (extra-safe, naturally). When he gets back he puts two of them on, then looks at pictures of daytime TV presenters in bikinis on the Daily Mail website, steadfastly refusing to touch his semi "just in case".

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #88 on: November 07, 2019, 06:03:40 AM »
Paul is (very cautiously) 'enjoying' a pint down the pub with Happy-Go-Lucky Harold.

"I can never really relax, Harold. I'm always nervous, worrying about the next big worry!"

"Well Paul, my philosophy is 'que sera sera', whatever will be will be!", replies Harold, taking a swig of his beer with a smile.

"NO! I will not do that! I must live moment to moment, constantly on edge, analysising each-and-every occurrence for signs of danger! I will not relax!"


the midnight watch baboon

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Re: Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening
« Reply #89 on: November 07, 2019, 08:35:41 AM »
Paul spends a day's A/L writing apologies to the mums and estates of Mark King, Johnny Deacon, Entwhistle, Mani, Alex James, Kim Deal, Nicky Wire, Jason Newstead, Krist Novoselic, and Macca after mishearing a YouTuber's life hack to "have all bases covered," whilst fretting about the £2,350 + vat he now owes Carlton Tarpaulin Solutions.

Goodbye kidney, my old friend, he's thinking.

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