Play-it-Safe Paul 2: The Not-Too-Quickening

[Glebe]

Paul is up on a step ladder in the corner of the living room.

"Paul! What are you doing!"

"Oh er... just checking the ceiling for cracks, dear!"

"Well it's good to see that you're not worried about climbing the ladder, maybe your anxiety is improving!"

As soon as Paulette leaves the room, Play-it-Safe taps the ceiling four times. "Those four taps at that exact spot on the ceiling will hopefully dispel any bad luck," he tells himself, "although it may be that the OCD I suspect I have is actually getting worse... steady, Paul... oh why did I climb up this fucking ladder?! Best not move FOREVER!"

[NJ Uncut]

Paul takes out some costly travel insurance to pop downstairs.

Only after a few inoculations, mind.

[NJ Uncut]

Paul checks IMDB to see if there's a PG cut of Private Benjamin. If his elderly parents can come round, that's a film night sorted!

[Glebe]

"Yawn... really looking forward to going shopping with Marjorie this morning... PAUL! HELP! I'M STUCK!"

"I've glued you to the bed, love. I know you were looking forward to your day out today, but it's too dangerous. Too dangerous."

[Glebe]

"I reckon you should put a missing persons alert out for your hubby, Paulette."

"Nah Marjorie he's just been hiding in the shed for the past month."

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Paul imagines what having a drink in a craft beer bar is like and finds doing this saves both time and money.

[NJ Uncut]

Paul manages to crash Amazon.co.uk for six hours just by entering every feasible alternative delivery location he can think of, just in case he doesn't hear the doorbell ring while he's sitting next to the door all day (which he's booked off work by the by) and if his Ring front door camera crashes on his backup WiFi if the main connection goes down also, providing he keeps his sight and doesn't become unconscious via a diabetic attack (not that he's been diagnosed yet) and no terrorist attacks happen in the vicinity of his door.

[Glebe]

Paul buries himself in Highgate Cemetery. "May as well get it over now, save the wife and family anticipating my death later!"

[Glebe]

"Time to get up for work, Paul!"

"Okay, love! Could you undo the bolts on the wardrobe for me, please?"

[Glebe]

Paul always foregoes breakfast, just hides under the kitchen table in case the four minute warning is given.

[Glebe]

"Okay, Paul. All set. Ready to try your new, patented 'Play-it-Safe' device?"

Paul nods earnestly to his wife. Pressing a button on the little watch-like contraption on his wrist, he evaporates from existance.

"It worked!" cries Paulette. Then she hangs her head in sadness. "I'll miss him... but he'll be back, when he deems it safe enough!"

[Glebe]

Saturday afternoon, and Paul is doing a bit of building work in the garden. Paulette pops out to see how he's getting on.

"Cuppa tea love.. wow, this concrete shed you're building is coming along nicely!"

"It's not a shed, love. It's a little 'defense castle' to seal me from harm. You can leave the tea on that block there, by the way."

Paul pours the tea into the grass. Gotta be careful, wife may try to poison him.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

This Chris Leslie appears to have the common sense safety first approach that I value. The last thing Nottingham East needs right now, is a maverick, thinks Paul.

[buttgammon]

Paul leaves the childlocks on in his car all the time, even when he's alone. "Better safe than sorry. The concept of childhood is relative," he thinks.

[Glebe]

Paul leaves the childlocks on in his car all the time, even when he's alone. "Better safe than sorry. The concept of childhood is relative," he thinks.

Heh!

Paul never laughs at things he finds funny, in case the subject was offensive to those others present.

[madhair60]

Paul becomes an abortionist - "the ultimate play-it-safe profession!"

[Glebe]

"What do want for Christmas, love?"

"Only your continued love and support, Paulette... oh, and the ability to turn into an impervious, jelly-like substance at will."

[madhair60]

Paul has no mouth, and is disinclined to scream.

[Glebe]

Paul has no mouth, and is disinclined to scream.

He had a special prosthetic put on to make it look like he was gobless. "Safer if I don't have to speak!"

[Glebe]

"You've spent so long hiding in the lounge now you're virtually part of the furniture, Paul!"

"That's the idea, Paulette. I want to become an unassailable, inanimate object. I am a rock, I am an island!"

[buttgammon]

Paul recalls briefly being in the same room as Prince Andrew at a charity function in 1992. He immediately hands himself in to the police for historical noncery.

[Glebe]

Paul never watches old episodes of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? on Challange in case the tension gives him a heart attack. "The new ones I can handle, cos Jezza Clarkson is such a shit host and its completely unexciting."

[madhair60]

Paul opens the Pringles pointing the tube away from him. Just in case.

[Chollis]

Somebody hands Paul a pair of scissors and he's unable to move ever again

[Glebe]

Paul has got it in his head that when you first open a packet of ham or cheese or raw meat then the overpowering smell can kill you. Thus, he always wears a peg on his nose in the kitchen. "I'm going to have to have rhinoplasty done at this stage, but it's worth it to not take the risk!"

[Glebe]

"WE GOT ANOTHER MURDERER ON THE LOOSE!"

"Oh shit did you hear that, Paulette?!?"

"It's alright, Paul. It's just the TV, watching some shite drama thing."

"Hmmm, but just in case there really is a killer, I think I'll kill myself, less traumatic than being murdered by someone else!"

[Glebe]

"Do you think you could drive a bit faster, Paul? We're late as it is for our daughter's wedding!"

"Now look, Paulette. Having miles of open highway before us with nary a sign of traffic is not an excuse to go above 20mph!"

[Glebe]

Paul takes a bit of risk and decides to go to dance classes.

"No Paul it's slow, slow, quick-quick, slow, not slow, slow, slow-slow, slower."

[Glebe]

"Where are you, Paul?"

"I've disappeared into the ether, Paulette love, safer this way!"

[Glebe]

Paul shells out a considerable amount to have the house coated in an impervious metal.