Author Topic: The reality is that Granite is heavy  (Read 1499 times)

Flatulent Fox

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The reality is that Granite is heavy
« on: September 12, 2019, 05:24:48 PM »
Granite is a bastard.
Spent yesterday stripping a whole fancy kitchen that I scalped on Gumtree ,then moving it all into and out of a van,and discovered just how fucking heavy granite is to move about the place.
Even Mr Kiplings cakes did not make this fun.

I have arms like king Louie now,so thanks Granite.
Also I have to somehow lift all this heavy Granite up stairs and into my kitchen,so if anyone knows any ancient UFO technology where they can move it with using the power of their minds,then please describe how.

Failing that I will just have to watch some Fred Dibnah videos as he would have known what to do.

Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #1 on: September 12, 2019, 05:30:08 PM »
I've never done granite but I have had to lift washing machines up several flights of stairs in blocks of flats on three separate occasions and that was no fun. My advice: get someone else to lift the other end. You're welcome.

Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2019, 05:40:26 PM »
Also I have to somehow lift all this heavy Granite up stairs and into my kitchen,so if anyone knows any ancient UFO technology where they can move it with using the power of their minds,then please describe how.

Apparently them Stonehengers did it with a tuning fork, you just need to find one that resonates at the right frequency and you can levitate any old lump of rock. I read it in a book called How to Build a Flying Saucer, so it must be true.

Flatulent Fox

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Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2019, 05:43:10 PM »
I've never done granite but I have had to lift washing machines up several flights of stairs in blocks of flats on three separate occasions and that was no fun. My advice: get someone else to lift the other end. You're welcome.
That's very kind of you to offer to help me carry this.

Apparently them Stonehengers did it with a tuning fork, you just need to find one that resonates at the right frequency and you can levitate any old lump of rock. I read it in a book called How to Build a Flying Saucer, so it must be true.
Now we're getting somewhere,and not only granite but any old lump of rock you say?
I'm off to investigate further - just think of the mischief you could get up to moving heavy things onto other things...

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Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2019, 05:45:55 PM »
Just get rid of the ite part. My gran wasn't heavy at all.

Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2019, 05:47:18 PM »
You should never take its weight for granite

Flatulent Fox

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Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2019, 05:50:26 PM »
You should never take its weight for granite
Arr truly.
Five of us used roller bars to shift if as best we could.

Surely the robots should be doing this sort of thing for us by now,but instead we made sex robots.Some people!

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Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2019, 06:15:42 PM »
Anybody who has ever lifted a pencil knows that granite is not especially heavy.

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Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #8 on: September 12, 2019, 06:16:38 PM »
(Unless that’s actually graphite or something)

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Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2019, 06:46:12 PM »
Ronalado carry granita up to rooftop terasa of Luxor penthouse apartament™ the new definion of luxory

Granita is no heavy, even small cilhd like Barca rat Messi can lift - for sure,

Also there is servant if difficule

Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #10 on: September 12, 2019, 07:37:36 PM »
Ours are granite-effect laminate, I think on plywood. It is much the same. We don't even need worktops, it would be far nicer to have them open so we can look into the cupboards below, we could even take things out of the cupboards without opening the doors. Granite toilet seat I could get behind, but not worktops.

Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #11 on: September 12, 2019, 07:55:47 PM »
why is your kitchen upstairs?!?!??!? thats where the bathroom and bedrooms should be! at least they are in all my properties haha!

mothman

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Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #12 on: September 12, 2019, 08:19:37 PM »
Ours are granite-effect laminate, I think on plywood. It is much the same. We don't even need worktops, it would be far nicer to have them open so we can look into the cupboards below, we could even take things out of the cupboards without opening the doors. Granite toilet seat I could get behind, but not worktops.

Well, at least now I know who’s gonna be designing our new en-suite.

Flatulent Fox

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Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #13 on: September 12, 2019, 08:51:52 PM »
why is your kitchen upstairs?!?!??!? thats where the bathroom and bedrooms should be! at least they are in all my properties haha!
I'm not telling - it's a secret.

Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #14 on: September 12, 2019, 09:01:33 PM »
1kg of granite is exactly as heavy as 1kg of feathers.

You think feathers are heavy?

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

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Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #15 on: September 12, 2019, 09:47:47 PM »
L7 resolve to " tighten up" album title.

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Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #16 on: September 12, 2019, 09:53:07 PM »
1kg of granite is exactly as heavy as 1kg of feathers.

You think feathers are heavy?

To be fair I don’t even think 1kg is heavy.  It is the wrong weight for harping on about heaviness.



Is 1kg of nothing heavy?  They used to be able to prove this stuff when they went to the moon but now we’re fucked.  Patrick Moore, dead.  Everyone all dead and fucking off crying.

Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #17 on: September 12, 2019, 10:08:02 PM »
How heavy is 1kg of ghost?

Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #18 on: September 12, 2019, 11:55:23 PM »
Now we're getting somewhere,and not only granite but any old lump of rock you say?
I'm off to investigate further - just think of the mischief you could get up to moving heavy things onto other things...

It's a real book btw, you can get it 2nd hand on Amazon. Unfortunately it's very slim on the details of the tuning fork trick.

Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #19 on: September 13, 2019, 12:40:20 AM »
Wot type of granite is it? A dark Cornwall one, a pink Cumbrian one or a blue Norwegian one? Takes a good polish does a bit of granite, especially if it's got some chunky phenocrysts in it.

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Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #20 on: September 13, 2019, 04:59:30 AM »
Slate is the fucking worst. Just the worst. I had to help my brother carry a huge slab of the shit once and just.. fucking hell it's sharp, it's heavy, and if you drop it the cunt erupts into shitloads of little chippy splinters. And yes, we dropped the fucker.

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Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #21 on: September 13, 2019, 06:40:57 AM »
Quote
especially if it's got some chunky phenocrysts in it.

The pearly penile papules of the granite slab universe

Ian Drunken Smurf

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Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #22 on: September 13, 2019, 06:58:06 AM »
Ask Arsenal's motivational coach / emotional support psychologist. He would have had to lift Granit Xhaka.

Flatulent Fox

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Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #23 on: September 13, 2019, 05:50:05 PM »
Wot type of granite is it? A dark Cornwall one, a pink Cumbrian one or a blue Norwegian one? Takes a good polish does a bit of granite, especially if it's got some chunky phenocrysts in it.
It's a black sparkly bastard,and we don't see eye to eye.




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Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #25 on: September 13, 2019, 06:46:54 PM »
A good thing about living in The Granite State is that occasionally roads have to go through huge lumps of granite that explosives have blasted a pathway through. Here's my favourite one:


Flatulent Fox

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Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #26 on: November 15, 2019, 11:29:41 PM »
I know you've all been waiting with baited breath for an update,so put down your drinks and pay attention - there will be a quiz afterwards*.

Here is the update I was talking about just up here ↑



All but the biggest bit of granite has been installed,and I managed to persuade a couple of stout yeomen to help me move it.
This weekend I will be enjoying myself tiling the kitchen,so this isn't good.





*The quiz has been cancelled because of Geoffrey's bad behavior.

Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #27 on: November 16, 2019, 12:41:06 AM »
Put some pics up if it turns out shite.

Blue Jam

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Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #28 on: November 16, 2019, 10:36:44 AM »
I have to somehow lift all this heavy Granite up stairs and into my kitchen,so if anyone knows any ancient UFO technology where they can move it with using the power of their minds,then please describe how.

Go and ask Willie Thorne.

Re: The reality is that Granite is heavy
« Reply #29 on: November 16, 2019, 11:09:17 AM »
I'm definitely not in the market for a granite countertop rn but I do like to wander round this place sometimes: https://granitelondon.net/granite.php

Their names all sound like RuPaul's Drag Race rejects or Crufts contenders, this one's called Golden Crema. PHWOAARR


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