Tweaked jokes

[kalowski]

A toilet was stolen from a police station today. Police say they have nothing to go on when they need a shit.

[Glebe]

A man went into a petrol station shop today to get some cans of oil, but attempted to leave without paying - before spilling the oil all over himself. Police say he was a 'slippery' customer!

[kalowski]

I was thinking of something more like this:

"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains."
"Well, pull yourself together you mental cunt."

[petril]

A man walks into a pub. He has a cocaine problem that is destroying his family, but drought means he's using alcohol as a substitute

[pancreas]

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long face, and could you please take that nosebag off it because I can't hear what you're saying.

[Cuellar]

Doctor Doctor, I

Doctor, doctor I c

Doctor doctor doctor doctor

Doctor

[petril]

A horse walks into a bar, gets frightened and thrashes about. shits all over the floor and has to be tranquilised before they can drag it out to reduce its distress

[BeardFaceMan]

What time did the Chinaman go to the dentist?

Half past two, it was the only appointment he could get, he's really busy.

[a duncandisorderly]

I had this wooden car that wouldn't go. it had wooden wheels etcetera

[thecuriousorange]

Who is the the father of baby corn? Pop corn? Yes. *Audience erupts*

[rasta-spouse]

My dog has no nose? How does it smell? It does not matter fucker for it is the afternoon of the faun.

[Gregory Torso]

A horse walked into a bar, even though it was his night off. He had nowhere else to go. The stables had been repossessed and turned into a micro brewery, which was nastily ironic.

So the horse walked into the bar. Everyone knew his name, but no one called it out. The bar owner just rolled his eyes, got a bottle and passed it over. The horse looked at him. "How the fuck am I supposed to drink that" said the horse. "Jesus Christ" said the barman and dragged out the trough from behind the bar. He poured the whole bottle of whiskey inside and the horse started lapping. There were only three other people in there, and none of them paid any attention because the horse was always there in that bar drinking piss out of a bucket or kicking the innards out of the jukebox. There used to be a pool table, but one night the horse got drunk and tried to fuck it, snapping three of the table's legs off (and really damaging the baize) so now there was not a pool table.

Eventually, the horse walked away. It went to a kebab shop, because it hated itself and its own kind and eating the flesh of its fellow beasts seemed to be the most efficently nasty yet satisfying way of punishing god and his withered kingdom.

[Gregory Torso]

A horse walked into a bar. "Oh my God, it's that animal again! That thing, with the legs and the face" said Ian Watkins Sr, who was at a table, trying to drink away the memory of his son's vile proclivities. "The thing with the head and the tail!" he continued. "Someone, please, do something about it!"

[Gregory Torso]

A centaur walked into a bar. "WHAT NOW BITCH"

[Gregory Torso]

A vampire went into a steak house. Can you imagine the myriad of potential jokes we could have made here, but he just went into a steak house, looked around, declared "this place seems rather gauche" and fucked off into a bat.

[Gregory Torso]

An American Werewolf In Londis.

[poo]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor who?
Doctor Singh

[flotemysost]

A centaur walked into a bar. "WHAT NOW BITCH"

I laughed

[petril]

My dog's got no noes. That means the motion passes without division.

[rasta-spouse]

A man walks into a gallery and tells the person there "This Hay Wain you have here is canted!". Later it is revealed, as a punchline, that Bas Rutten put the man in a headlock on New Year's Eve 1990.

[Alberon]

A Terry and June walks in to a bar. The barman tries to take their drinks order but cannot he heard over loud cries of 'Lummy', 'Crikey' and 'Jschoon'.

[DrGreggles]

There was a fire at Arsenal's stadium a few years ago. Police suspected Arsene Wenger.

[kalowski]

How many Jamaicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Most likely one, although certain aspects of improvement work require additional support. For example, we currently have no indication as to the location of the lightbulb.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

A White horse walks into a bar. The barman says to him " we've got a whisky named after you, y'know.", then the landlord appears, absolutely fuming, and says "Eric! Why the * fuck* are you talking to a fucking horse? Are you fucking mental, or something? Why is there a fucking horse in my bar in the first fucking place? Get this equine cunt out of my fucking bar right fucking now, before I fucking sack you, you dozy twat. "

[kalowski]

That reminds me of this one:

A White horse walks into a bar. The barman says to him " we've got a whisky named after you, y'know."
"That's nothing," says the horse, "I have an enormous cock."

[Gregory Torso]

A centaur walked into a bar. "Why the horse's ass?" asked the barman.

[Gregory Torso]

A centaur walked into a bar. "Why the what the fuck are you?" asked the barman.

[Captain Z]

Two nuns in the bath, one says "where's the soap?" The other says "up my cunt".

[kalowski]

"I've just bought a blind dog for the mother-in-law."
"Don't you mean a guide dog?"
"Possibly. It's not something I know much about. She is registered blind... My mother-in-law, not the dog! Ha, ha ,ha ,ha. The dog is brown."

[thecuriousorange]

I read that if I die in a suicide bomb I'll awake surrounded by 200 virgins. I did that now here I am on cookdandbombd.co.uk!