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March 28, 2024, 08:54:16 PM

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Fake TV Shows

Started by The Duck Man, March 24, 2005, 06:44:27 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

The Duck Man

Shamelessly stolen off the Chortle Forums and somewhat Brookerish (clever decision to post this now then!).

Anyway, fake TV show titles and descriptions, no doubt the crreative Verbwhores can come up with some decent ones.

Just to give you an idea, here are the ones I posted in that thread:
Dead Ringers Hard-hitting documentary. October 10th 1986 and tragedy strikes the Westminster Abbey Bell Ringers Society

You Are Worthless Alastair Appleton visits contestants houses and proceeds to tell them that they "surprisingly" own literally nothing of value

Tonight with Trevor McDonald Poorly disguised soft core porn

Arrgh! Pensioners! A doped chav is placed in a room where he is attacked by various over-65s hoping to win a cup of tea. Hosted by Kate Thornton

Pitt's Pits Brad Pitt talks of his love for the Grand Canyon

Looney Clunes Martin Clunes is pumped full of drugs and released onto the streets of Solihull under the pretence of a "social experiment"

Argh! Shit! My Eyes! Dazzling host John Fashanu straps himself into a chair and attempts to last half an hour of contestants attempting to destroy his eyes with household objects

Sex...NO! Ten Daily Mail readers burst into a copulating couple's bedroom and shout at them about how they're destroying the moral fabric of society

Stick a Carrott up Your...Chimney. Following last week's thought provoking investigation into colonic irrigation Jasper Carrott investigates the world of chimney sweeping

no_offenc

Cheggers Goes Pop - Keith Chegwin is locked inside a decompression chamber for five hours and gradually decompressed as sadistic contestants deliberately answer questions incorrectly so Cheggers will eventually go pop.

Cliche Guevara

Dennis, The Tennis!: Les Dennis presents a tennis training programme. Guests in the first series will include Greg Rusedski, Paul Ince, Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles.

A Fright with Trevor McDonald: The special Hallowe'en version of 'Tonight' where old Trevor looks into the horrors of modern British society. This year's show will have Trevor telling a group of children dressed in witch and werewolf costumes about the out-of-hand paedophile problem in Britain.

A Fight with Trevor McDonald: Trevor is pitted against a weekly opponent. No kicking.

Coronation Fleet: In this exciting new reality TV programme the cast of Coronation Street are thrown onto a fleet of ships, locked in and shipped away at last. Some may even have to walk the plank if they refuse to eat their oats. The last person to survive is allowed back.

Hatch of the Day: A comical cartoon in which two hens with the heads of Gary Lineker and Alan Hansen get up to no good.

Doctor Shoe: Ian Paisley goes in search for Britain's biggest feet to help the Orange men create as much noise as possible on this year's 12th of July.

"Springbok, Summer, Automaton, Winters"  Unsettling new Sitcom, set in the Four Seasons Hotel.  Starring Donna Summer, Shelley Winters, former South African Rugby captain Francois Pienaar and a robot.  Episode 1- a dispute over the washing up ends when Francois dropkicks Donna's head into Shelley's handbag while the robot frenziedly masturbates into a sock.

"Simon says..."Week one- Falklands veteran Simon Weston talks about his war experiences and appalling burns injuries while giving a class of six year olds a series of apparently meaningless physical tasks to perform.

"Playground Paralympics."
Opening day, including-
3.05 Coverage from Edmonton as Quadriplegics attempt to burn ants with a magnifying glass held in their teeth.
4.15 British Bulldog for the Blind.

"Tales from Ramblin' Bill Gaunt's Javelin of Wee"Actor William Gaunt ("No Place Like Home", "Next of Kin") walks the Yorkshire Dales with a javelin fashioned from his own frozen urine.  William randomly hurls the javelin, goes to wherever it lands and improvises a tale about creatures of his own devising called "The Smelly Craddocks."
But remember... the tale only ends when the wee-wee melts!

"Forgotten, but not Gone"The obituary show interviews celebrities about the life and career of someone they can't quite recall, unaware that the person is in fact still alive and driving a taxi in King's Lynn.  This week Alan Coren, Sharon Davies and Rusty Lee remember that bloke who used to be on "Nationwide".  Not Frank Bough or Mike Barrett, the other one.  You know.

slim

Unilever Beaver
Corporate sponsored cartoon fun about the benefits of different washing powders. This week: Ariel the Fairy finds herself in a dark alley with Daz the Sodomist.

Fifteen To One
Fascinating documentary series following the lives of four people who can't read the time properly.

Celebrity Fucking
The only conceivable next step.

The Friday Night Experiment
Daring, original, sublime, funny, dangerous, genius. None of these words describe this, another attempt by Channel Four to capture an audience of monkeys with a poorly designed cage.

Babycock Cancershit
New comedy on BBC3.

Mannyfesto
New spin-off series from the creators of Black Books. Episode 1: Manny leaves Bernard in a pool of his own piss and puke to pursue a career as a stage magician cum election campaign manager.

Cunt Hunt
A new morning show from the BBC aimed at chronically single, unemployed men with beer bellies. Claire Sweeney surprises some lucky viewer on his door step and invites him down to TV centre to hunt the cunt. Warning: Not sutiable for children under three. May contain small parts that could cause choking.

Insomnia
A new documentary series looking at the cack you can spout in the middle of the fucking night when you can't fucking sleep.

Cliche Guevara

Family Fortune: Les Dennis presents a detailed and interesting documentary about the life of Quinton Fortune's parents and siblings.

The Phil: Doctor Phil is a new hot-shot recruit at Sun Hill police station. It is up to him to use his heroic words of wisdom to save London from the terrors of crime. By the end of the series all London's criminals will have been talked into handing themselves in by Phil.

Ant and Dec's Sunday Night Hide-Away: All is revealed as to how Ant and Dec relax together and what they get up to in their private lives after a busy Saturday night schedule.

gazzyk1ns

I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out Of "Queer"!

A selection of homosexual celebrities invite experts to change their lifestyle and mannerisms, in order to fully remove them from the gay scene.

Heinze's Beans

Manchester United defender Gabriel Heinze hosts an educational series about the different kinds of bean grown on our planet.

It ain't half hot, mum!

Jimmy Carr host this gameshow where children are placed in an oven. Only their onlooking mothers can control the temperature inside the oven - when the child can stand the heat no longer, he/she must shout "It ain't half hot, mum!". The child who manages to endure the highest temperature wins a DVD player, which has been smashed up by the losing contestants.

Des Nilsen

Trousers, Trousers, Trousers - Kirsty Allsopp helps me buy a new and rather fetching pair of trousers. It's that simple.

Trousers, Shoes, Trousers - Spot the odd one out!

I Spy - A revealing documentary on simple-minded secret service agents.

Body Shock - The Man With Three Buttocks - Python references throughout, plus shots of peachy flesh. Narrated By Sean Pertwee.

Bum - What exactly is the secret ingredient in top pop brand Coca Cola?

-

Xander

Revenge

A "Distraction" style gameshow, hosted by Jimmy Carr, in which popular comedians answer questions and stop others doing so by committing acts of revenge. The comedian who manages to get the most correct answers wins Jimmy Carr, who has been smashed up by the losing contestants.

slim

10:00 Jimmy Carr: Best Bits
A look at some of the classic TV moments of the last year hosted by Jimmy.

10:01 The Tragic Houndakraut
Hosted by Al Murray. A new gameshow where contestants dress as tongues, step inside a giant foam cheek and win prizes for the best impression of the Hun.

10:30 Newsnight
Newsnight.

11:00 Panorama: Behind the Blue Curtain
A revealing look at the real lives of the neo-fascist denizens of a bitter, joyless internet message board.

no_offenc

Mummy, What Does Superglue Taste Like? - harsh gameshow from the now slightly-bitter Dave Benson-Phillips, who forces parents to feed their kids superglue in a twisted act of revenge against CBBC, when they cancelled Get Your Own Back because it was shit.

The Angel Dust Lectures - a selection of Britain's most brilliant scientists and philosophers ingest a vast quantity of PCP and then try to lecture the pulsing monsters and screeching giant insects that are coming to KILL THEM.  Subtitles.

Thornton's Continental - Kate Thornton goes to Eastern Europe and forgets to take her drink with her when she goes to the toilet in a grotty bar.  After drinking the dregs in her glass, she wakes up two days later, sore and divested of all of her cash.  All that she has is a video of her being roughly buggered by thirteen men, all of whom fit some European stereotype or other.  Kate's quest is to find each of these men and give them a Thornton's Continental, in a swift move from the programme's producers, who panicked when their boring holiday programme turned into a gangbang-related manhunt.

Cliche Guevara

"Roo" wants to be a Millionaire!: Wayne Rooney's general knowledge is put to the test by Chris Tarrant in this big-prize quiz-show. Fifteen questions to answer- laughs guarenteed.

Len Behaving Badly: In this new Father Ted off-shoot we see the secret life and exploits of Bishop Brennan take centre-stage. Bathing with supermodels and frollicing on the beach with a secret partner are merely angelic compared to what's yet to come.

shit as fuck

I think we need to kick some grassroots democratic flava into modern TV, so I'm pitching several 'By the people, for the people' ideas.


Policy Issuez - June Sarpong and Vernon Kaye discuss a number of troubling social 'issuez' with a studio audience vetted to be a cross-section of very well-dressed, very trendy and equally clueless but conventionally good-looking young British people and, whenever appropriate, some first generation immigrants.  Each episode to be legally binding, with full government support for any decisions that are reached.


Pondlife On One  - In his most ambitious project to date, Sir Richard Attenborourgh narrates stunning footage of the British underclasses enagaged in their nightly struggle for survival on the unforgiving streets of several backwater market-towns.  Viewers treated to numerous examples of the cruelty of the natural world, including 'Kebab Shop Stabbing', 'Massive Wetherspoon's Head-kick Brawl' and 'You Fucking Cunt, I Fucking Never!'.


Blair Shout! - Aggrieved members of the public are invited to wontonly hurl abuse at their own Prime Minister in a Wednesday at noon timeslot.  Replacing the less democratic PMQs and abandoning at last the futile pretence of rational political discussion, 'Blair Shout!' actively discourages any kind of analysis of Labour Party policy decisions and gives the mouthy, ignorant and rude members of society a regular forum in which to voice their, previously ad-hoc, bile.  

Special guest appearences by universally adored past-masters of the Blair Shout including 'spoiled medical student with flimsy, knee-jerk grasp of new proposal' and 'woman outside hospital who thinks a finite number of hospital beds represents a damning indictment of government but probably thinks she pays too much tax as it is, 90% of which she believes goes straight into the pockets of asylum seekers anyway'.  

Christmas Special - Fatty Fatty Two-Jags - Taunt, throw rotten fruit at and physically abuse Deputy PM John Prescott based not on his failure to improve public transport and restrain Blair's presidential behaviour but on personal issues such as obesity, personal hygiene and owning more than one car.  

Features extravagantly gleeful references to 'Jabba the Hut' that, quite frankly, would be considered massively distasteful if levelled at an ordinary member of the public who hadn't dedicated their life to public service in some of the most demanding and thankless cabinet roles (albeit with questionable success) and perpetuates the inexplicable myth that owning two Jaguars somehow creates twice as much environmental damage as just owning one even though, as we are all aware, humans are physically incapable of occupuying two moving cars at the same time.

phes

Latinitas Provoco presented by Frank Lampard.

Each week Frank arrives on the door-step of the home of a well known premier league footballer and invites them to take the Latin challenge. Frank reels off lists of latin words and phrases relating to the beautiful game which the contestent has to attempt to translate. Every time the contestant gives a wrong answer £1000 pounds is donated to a charity. Before the challenge begins the contestant is provided with the Latin translation of  Err and Y'know; each time they're careless enough to use the English version a spit-roast team comprising of Geoff Capes and Jeremy Clarkson moves up one stair torward their bedroom.

If Geoff and Jeremy reach the bedroom before the contestent has forefitted £10 000 to charity, this will trigger a buy-out clause whereby the contestent is able to spare himself  by donating £100 000 to the charity of Franks choice.

gazzyk1ns

Battle Stars Galaxy Car
Celebrities fight it out in a dangerous game of dodgems, each driving an '05 Ford Galaxy.

Bodyshock: Turner and Hooch
A disturbing look at how alcohol affects the human body. Ex-GMTV presenter Anthea Turner volunteers to see how her ability to successfully front a show is affected by consuming just a few bottles of the first alcopop to be introduced in the UK.

The Real E.R.
Documentary about the studio in which the popular U.S. medical drama is filmed.

The Reel E.R.
In this six-part BBC1 evening series, we follow the life of Bob Clemence, who runs an emergency repair centre for angling equipment.

falafel

Thongs of Praise.
Religious underwear through the ages. This week: the chastity belt.

Murder Commanders

Using state of the art graphical representation a team of contestants must attempt to recreate and carry out famous murders of the last twenty five years under the watchful eye of experts Colin Wilson and Brian Masters - will they succeed where their real life counterparts failed?
Tonights show comes live from Soham.

Bilko

What The Americans Did For Us – Adam Hart Davis spends an hour doing nothing.

Fred Dihnah Made In Britain – Fred's last programme before his death explores whether ethnic minorities fit into the traditional British way of living.

Flog it – Antiques programme from Guantanamo Bay.

Crossing Jordan

This week Peter Andre's ex girlfriend feels the wrath.

splattermac

Coronation Skeet : same old shite but everyone has shotguns, each weeks highlight is undoubtedly the off stage scream of 'PULL' when the cast burst into action. This week it's ceiling plaster and exploding hot pot in the Rover's Return.

Yeast Enders : same old shite but the entire male cast are wearing crotch cams.

Goldentony

11.00 Dick and Dom in da Vatican
twats dick and dom present a special easter edition of the show live from the vatican, includes the games 'swear at christ', and 'lets hit the pope'

gazzyk1ns

What not to warez
Adam Hart-Davis tells us which software packages we are the most likely to get sued for illegally downloading.

No Angles
Upcoming artist Tom Youds explains why all of his art features only one set of parallel lines.

Goldentony

9pm Rough Guide to Reggae
John robb guides us through the history of reggae which began when robbie williams 'angels' was released, which coincided with white dog shit dissapearing and L7 calling bill grundy a dirty fucker.

Wog Baspin

Changing Moons

Eastenders family the 'Moons', featuring Shane Ritchie and that-guy-off The Office, must defeat aspiring actors in interior design graft-offs, the winners getting to take the role of the Moon family. The losers get gunged by Dave Benson Phillips.

Trisha, got hard?

ITV's response to that fat-chopped-twunts defection, a documentary exposing the growing popularity of Trisha's in the phone sex business.

Vanessa Felt?

Revealing documentary with Martin Bashir where Vanessa Feltz tells all about her sexual exploits and waffles on about female empowerment and how "Gurls just wanna have fun".

Brownian Motion

Ian Brown and Derren Brown take a fond look at the innovative genius which has developed transport through the ages. This week Ian Brown ruffs up Gordan Brown over the declining british train network. Narrated by Dan Brown.

Goldentony

BBC1
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH A PENIS (expected transmission:2006)
Brand new talk show from graham norton. Norton gets the dom joly treatment here, after acting tragically in numerous inept ways on bbc 3, the bbc gives the fuck up on giving a once half funny camp man an original show/idea, and shoves him straight back into the old shite he did on channel 4, under a new name, and no usage of the word 'cunt'. expect vibrators and the word 'bottom hole'.

Cliche Guevara

You've Been Shamed: Jeremy Beadle and Lisa Riley invite a mob-audience to fling smelly fish and rotten eggs at a recently released-from-prison sex offender who is tied to a totem pole. The more they miss, the more Jeremy and Lisa have to suffer at the hands of the sex offender at the end of the show when his ropes are untied. One miss, one thrust.

phes

Phes Celebrity 'button yer lip' challenge.

Each week I invite a celebrity to be quiet. Advantages include: Low overheads, great visual translation to Hello/Ok magazine. Possible 'Top 10 quiet moments' programme.

This week, Jennifer Aniston refuses to talk about filing for a divorce (Featured in Hello/Ok).

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Emma Dale- A one off ITV spin-off based entirely around the fact this woman has the name Emma Dale, and is then forced to answer a load of cringeworthy, awful questions about anything she has related to their tawdry soap.

Flog It!- Bronzed greek gods flagellate auctioneers.

A Plaice In The Sun- The worlds stock of plaice is rounded up into a cannon, and then fired into the sun. Everyone is happy, because plaice are rubbish.

Doctor Who?!- The BBC pay minor celebrities to perform operations on the NHS. Which ex-Big Brother contestant will be doing your heart bypass!?!!

News Round John Craven's The Beeb try to save money on studio time.

Cliche Guevara

Cops of the Pops: Sting and The Police do a live 24 hour set for charity.

Pop of the Tops: A cheeky camera crew venture into various hip nightclubs around the country and encourage young, willing ladies to "get them out for the boys".