Feral Freddy

[NJ Uncut]

Freddy escapes from a van and looks around at the city, snarling, terrified, wild-eyed, urinating freely. The towering concrete trees, the elaborate fur all over everybody, the square horses. He snarls and defecates in a mix of anger and fear, but not to worry: it's outside Debenham'a and they're plenty used to that.

[NJ Uncut]

HR Helen is staring at the sheet as she walks into the office.

"Freddy, your LMS report is not particularly great," she explains.

Freddy is crouched on a chair in the corner, naked as the day he was born, shit matted into his body hair, hissing at her, his head whipping around at the stark lights, terror gripping him. He considers, in his language-free way, pouncing on hag and ripping her throat out with his teeth.

"Needs to be in colour, not just black and white." Still without looking up, Helen leaves, dreaming of the glass of chardonnay she'll have on the drive home.

[NJ Uncut]

Low-esteem Laura won't say it was the best first date ever, but she's certainly had worse. He listens, for a start. He doesn't constantly mansplain, and he never corrects her.

They went to a lovely little Italian restaurant and she doesn't know if Freddy speaks Italian or what but he was hooting and roaring all foreign and the waiter seemed to understand it? Well, any road, he came back with food and a bib! So fussy, those Italians. The lady at the next table said Laura was so caring as well. Aw, they must seem such a good couple!

Sure, he made a bit of a mess of the linguine, after he had finished running around the place on all fours, biting other customers, until he downed that bottle of red and just sat, smiling, and whenever she looked up she noticed he was drooling at her. But that was nice, to see such unbridled desire in his eyes. She loved the attention, even when a bum asked them for a quid and Freddy leapt on him, clawing at the hobo's eyes with his long nails and urinating on the body, Freddy bashing at his skull with a femur bone he had somehow procured.

Sure, it was unorthodox, but he was a man's man alright, and from what she could glean, quite successful career-wise.

Yes, it was a peculiar night, all told; but she's used to her man being a bit of an animal. I mean, remember Darren?

[NJ Uncut]

Freddy gets swallowed by a giant iron snake, but eventually manages to escape through a hole in its guts.

"Welcome to Warring Town", says the snake.

Freddy looks around. Yes, this is much more familiar. Much more his speed, this Warring Town. Even a little bit.. Primitive. Why all so grey? Even Freddy knows colour. And how to make fire.

He is very shortly made Lord Mayor.

[Glebe]

Feral Freddy takes a shit in the aisle of the Ryanair plane he is travelling to Magaluf on. "The low fares airline," he tells the stewardess as she bundles him down the back.

[NJ Uncut]

Feral Freddy takes a shit in the aisle of the Ryanair plane he is travelling to Magaluf on. "The low fares airline," he tells the stewardess as she bundles him down the back.

In his language-free unformed thoughts inside his head, Freddy is still, somehow, fully aware that Ryanair is beneath him.

[Glebe]

In his language-free unformed thoughts inside his head, Freddy is still, somehow, fully aware that Ryanair is beneath him.

"Beneath us all," he adds, in his head, "even my cousin Gruesome Trevor."

[NJ Uncut]

A handler drags Freddy up on stage, with a chain. He chains Freddy to the floor and sets up a mic.

The following 45 minute comedy set goes down a storm: he wildly hurls himself as far as the chain allows, tries to gnaw his feet off, roars and hisses for half an hour before having a ten minute sleep, waking up and defecating on the stage, finishing by hurling his turds at the braying, ecstatic audience.

A local journalist decides to collect quotes as people come out of the show.

"A wonderfully layered deconstruction of the economy and Brexit", chirrups one fan.

"Like McIntyre meets Peter Kay! Really that good. A bit derivative of both, but six stars", gaggled one lady.

"Lovely stuff," said a young couple together. He was actually so moved by the set he proposed there and then, receiving raucous applause from the audience, though it was easy to be clapped following an act that damn good.

[Glebe]

FF does a burglary on a butchers and eats all the meat, raw like.

[Glebe]

Feral Freddy holds a dinner party. It ends quickly, with screaming and arrests.

[Bum Flaps]

Feral Freddie's new cave is already quite remarkably rank.

[NJ Uncut]

Feral Freddy runs into some football supporters.

He can't think in language, but he's thinking what we would translate to "unruly scum with no manners". He cheers himself up by flinging shit, safe in the knowledge he's better.

[wosl]

Little pieces of eggshell and rat sinew adorn Feral Freddy's luxuriant moustache.