Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy reads a review of the latest release by a New York- based all female quartet called the fucking Gumball Gals , or something , in the latest edition of fucking " Mojo ".
" That sounds brilliant. Three stars, eh? I'm having me
some of that! " Thinks our middle age non- acceping hero to himself.The very next day, he's down at the one music shop in town that still sells fucking CDs, and has purchased the fucking CD by the Chewing Gum Chicks, or whatever they're called.
Three weeks later, he still can't bring himself to actually play the fucking thing but he *can* bring himself off to images of an actress from a TV series that he, quite frankly, has no business watching.

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"I'm into that Ariana Grande", Neddy shouts into the ear of the girl next to him in the club. "I've had many a wank over her Instagram! Especially after that awful bombing."

"Why are you shouting? There's no music, grandad."

"WHAT?" asks Neddy . "Wow, you're hot enough to be an influencer! I'd unbox you any time."

Neddy gets pepper sprayed, somewhat enjoying it - women love a bad boy after all. When his vision eventually returns, he flips his leather jacket collar up.

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Chicks dig a fast car, Neddy reasons at the Audi dealership, and magnificent petrol mileage certainly doesn't hurt!

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In an effort to seem effortlessly cool and younger than his years, Neddy tells a young man in the bar that he wasn't even alive for September 11th, let alone bothered

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Neddy takes out a second mortgage to plunge into Facebook's new Bitcoin rip off.

"Neddy's gambling on digital, baby", he says to nobody, at his desktop PC, shaking in his non-trackball hand an imaginary die.

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They may be waist size 38, but skinny jeans are the hip thing for lads his age.

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Neddy sees a pretty, athletic young lass of about 21 crossing a road, and sees her as fully compatible, his potential other half: biologically, aesthetically, financially and sexually his absolute equal.

Lucky for her she didn't glance this way, Neddy reasons, Or she'd have thought the same about me!!

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Neddy goes up to a fella in his thirties in the pub.

"Excuse me Mister," he asks. "Do you have the time? I've hammered my iPhone so much I've run out of battery!"

The fella looks him over. "You're wearing a Rolex, mate."

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Neddy interprets a shudder of revulsion as a frisson of desire rippling through the lithe form of the girl at the Co Op. Again.

She must be wet, Neddy mouths, albeit soundlessly, and pumps the air, his leather jacket creaking as he does so.

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"I' didn't 'probably see the fucking Beatles' mate", Neddy explains at a student pub. "I don't even know who they fucking ARE."

In a huff, he waddles over to the bar to order a Snakebite with his Yellow card.

Strange, it's not like him to get the music section in a pub quiz so incredibly wrong. He reads virtually every special issue of Uncut.

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"I'm afraid your sperm count is incredibly low", the GP explains, looking Neddy up and down. "I can't stress how important it is to watch your diet and a man of your age really should be wearing looser, unrestricting clothes."

Neddy immediately bristles. "No way, man. I know squares like you want to change my rock and roll lifestyle, but I'd rather die than become an old man, terrified of the modern world, not even on MySpace."

Neddy storms out of the office, although not as quickly as he'd like, as you can't sprint in slim cut jeans anyway, but that's not an age thing.

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Neddy just can't wait to see what the lads at work will think of his new nose ring!

But seeing as he's Executive President of Finance with the tenure to hire and fire at will, nobody feels comfortable saying much come Monday. Even fellow lad at work Andy (Senior Director of Operations) reckons to  just let him get on with it; he went through much the same thing when he himself hit fifty, although he just had an affair with his secretary.

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Neddy's dead proud of his new business card, although the other executives have to ask what, exactly, is Snapchat

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"You have to get up pretty darn early to be more Woke than Ned-E", says Ned, holding up his iPhone X, allegedly reading off his profile on the "hot slut locating application" iPlayer

[Better Midlands]

Neddy knows five Fortnite dances and shouted out "hit or miss" when he was last in Asda.

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Neddy suddenly reckons being bisexual is trendy, managing to suppress his shudder by thinking fondly of the late, great Freddie Mercury

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Neddy refers to the killing he made selling shares in Essar Oil as "pocket money" he is saving to buy himself an Ex Box

[Better Midlands]

Neddy's dead proud of his new business card, although the other executives have to ask what, exactly, is Snapchat

and how exactly does one subscribe to Pewdiepie?

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Neddy's best drink is hactually blue wicked, he announces to the rest of the wine club

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"Haha, bet you thought I was the work experience guy!" Neddy cracks wise to the rest of the boardroom, who muster up some chuckles for their boss.

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"Haha, bet you feel like a paedo!" Neddy cracks wise to the rest of the bedroom, who musters up a chuckle for her boss.

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"Oh I spent it on YouTube," explains a younger man at the bus stop (cause it's urban) to Neddy's pestering about how he spent the evening prior.

"No, YOU the tube!"

Thirty full seconds pass. "Don't leave me hanging bro!"

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His reasoning may indeed be suspect, but nobody can rightfully disagree with Neddy's spirited assertion that there's nothing wrong with being young, gifted and black.

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"Life insurance, shmife insurance," Neddy says to his concerned teenaged daughter, whom he sees as an awkward little sister. "Got any single friends, by-the-by?"

She was really hoping to discuss his heart condition, but Mum was right....

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Seeking to congregate online with equally cool folk his own age or thereabouts, Neddy joins a forum, and for an avatar, uses the image of a black man.

He succeeds, technically.

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"Fuck the shocking state of my lawn", Neddy explains at the neighbourhood watch meeting, not even knowing who he is anymore. "Property is theft."

Even a stopped clock, though

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Neddy heads down the food bank, listens into tales of the gig economy, rent problems, and life on benefits, sees all these young lives cast against the grindstone of needless austerity, and thinks "My People."

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Neddy's son is never on WhatsApp anymore. He must've uninstalled it, he reasons.

Shame, he was planning to pop down the uni for a bit and just hang.

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Neddy overhears some kids discussing the new Call of Duty

"I'm still with it," he thinks, knowing that game well himself. Kids are just fascinated by World War 2!

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"Do you have Twitch?" asks a kid on the bus, being polite after the old man rattled on about Tinder.

"Naw, man, that's just the comedown off drugs."