Author Topic: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy  (Read 12905 times)

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #30 on: September 19, 2019, 05:17:15 PM »
Neddy assures a passing young lady at the pub that he's only reading the Financial Times for the cartoons.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #31 on: September 19, 2019, 05:51:52 PM »
"You're over the hill, mate," Young Phillip tells Ned down the pub, "accept it." Predictably, Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy does not accept this.

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #32 on: September 19, 2019, 05:54:46 PM »
Neddy has a villa in Tuscany in which he just likes to "chill".

petrilTanaka

  • Are we counting shites?
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #33 on: September 19, 2019, 05:56:06 PM »
Neddy hides all day on Saturday so as not to show up his claim that six fags and four pints is "nothing" to him

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #34 on: September 19, 2019, 05:58:40 PM »
Neddy hides all day on Saturday so as not to show up his claim that six fags and four pints is "nothing" to him

On his iPhone X, Neddy dials 9, then 9 again, snorts the line of coke, finger poised and ready for an additional 9.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #35 on: September 19, 2019, 07:57:45 PM »
Neddy has a villa in Tuscany in which he just likes to "chill".

Get "the guys" together, cold chardonnay, Coldplay on the sound system, good vibes all round yeah man hey.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • Frightening Tines, Scary Forks .
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #36 on: September 19, 2019, 08:06:21 PM »
Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy finds himself pleading with a girl 22 years his junior not to do this to him, with each desperate, beseeching incrementally desperate plea being met by the young lady in question pointing out what is for the best, in as calm and measured a way as possible.

At this point, Neddy realises  there are some things that * should* be accepted.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • Frightening Tines, Scary Forks .
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #37 on: September 19, 2019, 08:10:16 PM »
( that's nowhere near as good as the ones that yer man NJ and t'others were coming out with, is it. Soz. )

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • Frightening Tines, Scary Forks .
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #38 on: September 19, 2019, 09:50:42 PM »
Used the same adjective twice too, like an eejit Desperate stuff.

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #39 on: September 19, 2019, 11:01:02 PM »
Neddy's asked what his favourite film is by his PA.

His PA. Someone loyal to him, someone always happy to see him, as his kids and his wife grow ever colder. Someone with a soul, someone who he feels is a rare bird he keeps caged in this corporation that produces nothing, achieves nothing, and means nothing, and sure he pays her well, but would rejoice at the terror at seeing her fly, for his heart knows it would feel right.

His suppressed soul, now it moans.... And rises a possibly final time:

Quote

Dear ego

I can't believe how fast things move on the outside. I saw a cool older guy once when I was a kid, but now they're everywhere. The men of this world went and got themselves in a big damn hurry. The executive board got me into this halfway house called "Finance" and a job bagging profits.

It's hard work even caring and I try to keep up, but my heart hurts most of the time. I don't think the employees like me very much. Sometimes after work, I go to the park and leer at birds. I keep thinking middle-aged me all true to myself might just show up and say hello, but he never does. I hope wherever he is, he's doin' okay and makin' new friends. I have trouble sleepin' at night. I have bad dreams like I'm falling. I wake up scared. Sometimes it takes me a while to remember where I am. Maybe I should sign the fuck on and get me a heart.

I could get a piano and sing while I was at it, sort of like a bonus. I guess I'm too old for that sort of nonsense any more. I don't like it here. I'm tired of being afraid all the time. I've decided not to stay. I doubt anyone'll kick up any fuss. Not for an old cuck like me.

PS. I'm sorry I made you marry your wife, but it was what you wanted at the time. It's not like I had a knife to your throat.


He sits, stunned and silent.

Those deep, gorgeous, busy brown lamps turned on him, rolling back the years, freeing him, truly freeing him, making all his yearning worthwhile. When she looks at him like that, he doesn't know how old he is. He doesn't even fucking care.

"Avengers Assemble", he hisses, instantly hating every cell in his useless form.

"Oh," She says, downcast. "That's OK I guess. I dream of one day, just meeting the right guy, who has been the same places I've been, seen the same films, feels the same feelings, and.. God, why am I telling you this, I can tell you anything.. This is all it takes, just takes my hand, he looks me in the eyes and says: Zihuatanejo..."

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • Frightening Tines, Scary Forks .
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #40 on: September 20, 2019, 07:23:31 AM »
Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy approaches his friend of long standing, Age Appropriate- Behaving Eamonn in their local hostelry. " Yo, Ea-Mo!"is his greeting. Eamonn has long since given up on asking him not to greet him in that manner, and returns the salutation with " Good Afternoon, Nedward. How are you today? "
" S'all good, bro. Checked out a couple of episodes of ' My Mad Fat Diary ' last night."
" Did you really, Nedward? A television programme that is ailing, and of ill health. What an intriguing concept. I, personally, viewed, rather than ' checked out' a couple of episodes of the acclaimed television series " Chernobyl" , and must say I rather enjoyed them. Maybe you should have done that, too. A man of your years should not be watching a programme with the title " My Mad Fat Diary.". Your daughter should, maybe. Not you."
It as at this juncture in the conversation that Neddy feels the need to adopt a defensive stance, and to justify his behaviour somewhat. He respects Eamonn, and wants Eamonn to reciprocate that respect.
" look, dude." Says Neddy " Remember the Liverpool- born actor Ian Hart? He gave an accomplished performance as John Lennon in that film, and another accomplished performance as John Lennon in that other film? Well, in this television series, Ian Hart gives a really outstanding performance as Dr. Kester, a Welsh- accented therapist assigned to the case of the mad fat bird from the shows title; in his depiction of an expert in the field of mental health who shows an avuncular affection to the fat bird, his performance is one of great nuance and depth, demonstrating an empathy with his patient that he never let's overcome his professionalism.  It is a performance - fucking Hell, I wish I could think of a synonym for " performance" -that is in turn tender, moving and, on occasion heartily amusing."
Eamonn whips his iPhone out, and gets googling. Under Neddy's warily watchful eye,  he has a look at the cast list for " My Mad Fat Diary" . He emits a sigh.
" So, you watch that programme for the nuanced performance of Ian Hart, then? " says Eamonn, looking over at Neddy, who at this stage has the grace to look embarrassed . There is no iguana on his shoulder.
" No you don't, Nedward. " sighs Eamonn, shaking his head ruefully and regretfully " No, you don't. "
" Yeah, well..." begins Neddy, his confident entrance and greeting now diminishing in the light of what done happened at this point in this post.
" It's alright, mate" says the figure of Age Appropriate- Behaving Eamonn., putting a consolatory arm around the shoulder of Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy. He is a good man. " It's alright. "
« Last Edit: September 20, 2019, 07:44:55 AM by Lisa Jesusandmarychain »

Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #41 on: September 20, 2019, 07:49:50 AM »
A man burns down his bungalow, kills his dogs, and shits and pisses in his bosses desk before heading for a new life in the Maldives. He can't find his passport anywhere.

Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #42 on: September 20, 2019, 10:33:45 AM »
A man burns down his bungalow, kills his dogs, and shits and pisses in his bosses desk before heading for a new life in the Maldives. He can't find his passport anywhere.

"Dying my beard led to vicious spiral" claims Edmonds after Deal or No Deal axe.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #43 on: September 20, 2019, 01:34:26 PM »
Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy approaches his friend of long standing, Age Appropriate- Behaving Eamonn in their local hostelry. " Yo, Ea-Mo!"is his greeting. Eamonn has long since given up on asking him not to greet him in that manner, and returns the salutation with " Good Afternoon, Nedward. How are you today? "
" S'all good, bro. Checked out a couple of episodes of ' My Mad Fat Diary ' last night."
" Did you really, Nedward? A television programme that is ailing, and of ill health. What an intriguing concept. I, personally, viewed, rather than ' checked out' a couple of episodes of the acclaimed television series " Chernobyl" , and must say I rather enjoyed them. Maybe you should have done that, too. A man of your years should not be watching a programme with the title " My Mad Fat Diary.". Your daughter should, maybe. Not you."
It as at this juncture in the conversation that Neddy feels the need to adopt a defensive stance, and to justify his behaviour somewhat. He respects Eamonn, and wants Eamonn to reciprocate that respect.
" look, dude." Says Neddy " Remember the Liverpool- born actor Ian Hart? He gave an accomplished performance as John Lennon in that film, and another accomplished performance as John Lennon in that other film? Well, in this television series, Ian Hart gives a really outstanding performance as Dr. Kester, a Welsh- accented therapist assigned to the case of the mad fat bird from the shows title; in his depiction of an expert in the field of mental health who shows an avuncular affection to the fat bird, his performance is one of great nuance and depth, demonstrating an empathy with his patient that he never let's overcome his professionalism.  It is a performance - fucking Hell, I wish I could think of a synonym for " performance" -that is in turn tender, moving and, on occasion heartily amusing."
Eamonn whips his iPhone out, and gets googling. Under Neddy's warily watchful eye,  he has a look at the cast list for " My Mad Fat Diary" . He emits a sigh.
" So, you watch that programme for the nuanced performance of Ian Hart, then? " says Eamonn, looking over at Neddy, who at this stage has the grace to look embarrassed . There is no iguana on his shoulder.
" No you don't, Nedward. " sighs Eamonn, shaking his head ruefully and regretfully " No, you don't. "
" Yeah, well..." begins Neddy, his confident entrance and greeting now diminishing in the light of what done happened at this point in this post.
" It's alright, mate" says the figure of Age Appropriate- Behaving Eamonn., putting a consolatory arm around the shoulder of Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy. He is a good man. " It's alright. "

Heh!

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • Frightening Tines, Scary Forks .
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #44 on: September 20, 2019, 02:55:16 PM »
I accidentally left out Neddy's line about My Mad Fat Diary being a " sick programme " in that post, hence Eamon's disdainful response, in case any readers were wondering.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #45 on: September 21, 2019, 02:11:59 AM »
NAMAN relaxes in his favourite chair, a glass of Courvoisier in one hand and Phil Collins 'One More Night' tinkling gently from his expensive new speakers. As the London skyline grows dark, he ruminates on past affairs, and wonders if he'll ever patch things up with Stacy.

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #46 on: September 21, 2019, 11:38:56 AM »
Neddy gets chatting to the fellow youths at the park. It seems to be an open air music festival!

"Rather slamming this, yes?" he says to one lass he thinks of as a crumpet. "Lush beat on this."

"Eh? That's just the building site site next to the park mate."

Neddy's fist is proferred but bumped? Nada.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • Frightening Tines, Scary Forks .
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #47 on: September 21, 2019, 11:40:22 AM »
Just posting to say there are some fucking excellent posts by the always- amusing NJ in this thread.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #48 on: September 21, 2019, 04:01:43 PM »
NAMAN has joined CaB, and is currently chuckling at Ballad di Bolloque Mi Knob. "Haha, I don't quite get it, but it's like something that Johnny Morris guy would say! Brass Eyes."

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #49 on: September 22, 2019, 08:52:07 AM »
NAMAN has joined CaB, and is currently chuckling at Ballad di Bolloque Mi Knob. "Haha, I don't quite get it, but it's like something that Johnny Morris guy would say! Brass Eyes."

"I just don't see what's so supposedly amusing about this Play it Safe Paul caricature?"

petrilTanaka

  • Are we counting shites?
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #50 on: September 22, 2019, 10:53:24 AM »
NAMAN feels guilty laughing at Legend Gary. Is this what the kids love these days? Am I laughing at people for being young? He tears up, and vows not to go back in that thread for an hour, before wondering if that's exactly what an old bastard would do. He has a minor breakdown on going into the thread again and hides in the toilet for the rest of the day.

Misses two doses of omeprazole

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #51 on: September 23, 2019, 12:59:37 PM »
"Yeah, that Skrillex has a nice beat to it. She's one of my favourite singers. Another WKD, guys? Guys?"

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #52 on: September 23, 2019, 11:59:19 PM »
Neddy's wife left him, with Ned Junior in tow, after what later became known as the 'Glastonbury Incident', when they went glamping at the famous festival and Ned starting calling wife and son "Squares!" and took ecstasy and dived into the mud with a load of girls.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #53 on: September 25, 2019, 12:58:15 PM »
"My new girlfriend's exactly half my age!" Neddy boasts to Work-Colleague Colin.

"So she's thirty-two then," comments Colin. "I worked it out in the calculator, as Del-Boy would say."

"Don't watch Fools no more," growls Ned as he storms out.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • Frightening Tines, Scary Forks .
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #54 on: September 25, 2019, 01:05:45 PM »
"My new girlfriend's exactly half my age!" Neddy boasts to Work-Colleague Colin.

"So she's thirty-two then," comments Colin. "I worked it out in the calculator, as Del-Boy would say."

"Don't watch Fools no more," growls Ned as he storms out.

Rather stereotypically of me, there was an occasion when I actually * did* have a girlfriend more or less half my age.

15 years old, I was !!!


I hate myself.

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #55 on: September 25, 2019, 04:59:27 PM »
One of his colleagues wonders aloud, the possible answer to a simple question.

"Mate, you're sitting at a computer with a phone in your hand," scoffs Neddy. "Yahoo has an app now or it's on the information superhighway if you're such a square you can't use your smart telephone!"

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #56 on: September 25, 2019, 05:00:54 PM »
"Excuse me, my fellow nigga. Is that the new iPhone?"

"Fuckin Samsung Galaxy mate."

"Ah, do they do good iPhones, them...... So I'm watching the Net Flicks and chilling, tonight, myself...."

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #57 on: September 25, 2019, 05:08:05 PM »
It's a bit of a faff to get set up, and God knows the family moan and groan, but it's a Neddy holiday ritual to come back, cook a bit of popcorn, get the projector running, and narrate the whole way through his Instagram Story

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #58 on: September 25, 2019, 05:11:02 PM »
"Tell you what, I was so knackered last night, I had to ask Jeeves to sort out my dinner."

The work experience lad at work hoots at this. "Mate, it's all DuckDuckGo these days. Nobody's used the Ask Jeeves search engine for years!"

"Search engine?" wonders Neddy. Suppose having a help isn't down with the kids either.

NJ Uncut

  • Good luck anyone on Universal Credit x
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #59 on: September 25, 2019, 05:15:45 PM »
Neddy clomps down next to the 22 year old graphic design grad in the work canteen. Hip young chap, pulling in a cool 14K per annum. That'll buy him over a dozen iPhones!

"Tell you what, I managed five full wanks last night. Suppose you're the same, that number or thereabouts? That's just how us guys roll in our sexual prime. Last one was a bit of a dry-ie though!.... Don't leave me hanging, dudemeister"

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