Author Topic: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy  (Read 12904 times)

NJ Uncut

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #60 on: September 25, 2019, 05:19:01 PM »
Neddy's in Game again, the only customer. Not that he buys anything.

"So When's the new Laura Craft out?" he pesters. Then he sees the advert for the next Doom... Kick ass validation!, he mouths silently

NJ Uncut

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #61 on: September 25, 2019, 05:29:27 PM »
Neddy confides in his mate Executive Vice President Andrew B. Johnson that he's had a stiffie for hours.

"Nedward, I told you to only take one Viagra, otherwise, you'll be up all the next day..."

"Viagra? Me? Hah!" sneers Neddy, highly amused but not to the point of standing up. "I don't need that, Mister Suit! No, I copped a load of your new secretary bending over before... Arse on it. Phwoar!"

Executive Vice President Andrew B. Johnson looks down at his desk. "The thing about that, Ned," he explains, "That's my nephew Kevin, and I'm doing my sister a favour. He's only 17.  Be honest: you didn't mean him at all, really, did you? Tell me the truth, Nedward. Spare us this ridiculous charade and admit it. You took a load of Viagra."

There is a long pause, during which Neddy looks down at his bursting jorts, and into the grim face of his colleague and friend, and over his shoulder, he sees wee Kevin beavering away.

" I done told you already, old man, " scoffs Neddy.  "This rock hard beauty ain't Viagra. Schwing!! "
« Last Edit: September 25, 2019, 05:44:44 PM by NJ Uncut »

Glebe

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #62 on: September 25, 2019, 05:34:38 PM »
Neddy's in Game again, the only customer. Not that he buys anything.

"So When's the new Laura Craft out?" he pesters. Then he sees the advert for the next Doom... Kick ass validation!, he mouths silently
 

His ex-wife and child happen to be passing on the high street, and observe him through the open door of the shop for a moment. "This is why me and daddy parted ways, Ned Jnr. He's very ill, you see. Come on, I'll take you to Burger King." She will later wish she had covered his eyes when daddy became excited by that discounted Xbox One S.

NJ Uncut

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #63 on: September 25, 2019, 05:48:28 PM »
Neddy's showing his colleagues in the boardroom that Tinder, but he's not having much luck.

"32? Back to the old folk's home with you, grandma. 26? Christ, it'd be like shagging my mum! 44?? I thought you were legally, literally DEAD the second you hit 40!"

"Who's that 28 year old? She's the spitting image of your daughter", arfs Clive Huxtable. Neddy splutters and swipes right in a panic. "Oh dear, did you mean to swipe yes to her? You'll have to take her on a date now, Neddy! You might even get to fuck your own daughter! That's your dream, isn't it? Your nightmare."

Neddy stares into Clive Huxtable's sharklike eyes. The Nedster's never liked Clive, especially since he started doing the voice.

"Shagadelic, man", Nedward T. Oldman offers, defiantly albeit still mainly weakly, affirming it with a thumbs up. "Maybe I'll do just that", he says, while doing the Dr Evil pinky-to-mouth gesture.
« Last Edit: September 25, 2019, 06:03:34 PM by NJ Uncut »

NJ Uncut

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #64 on: September 25, 2019, 05:52:44 PM »
Jenny the PA's deskphone rings, and it's Neddy. Her heart skips a beat, and she composes herself, picking up and in her most alluring, sensual voice, virtually moans: "Yes, Mr Oldman?"

"WAAAAAAAAAZZZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPP PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP??????????"

NJ Uncut

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #65 on: September 25, 2019, 05:58:13 PM »
"Groomed any fellow "kids" today?" sneers a smiling Clive Huxtable, sauntering past Neddy in the corridor.

"Working on it, duderino!" grins Neddy, who tenders his clenched hand to be met likewise by the balled mitt of Clive.

Huxtable's acquiescing!! The bumping of fists is achieved. "Working on it indeed!"

Unknown to Clive, Neddy'd just, a scant moment before, had his entire hand crammed up his own arse!! A small, immature victory for The Nedlinger - but hey, that's what being young is all about.

NJ Uncut

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #66 on: September 25, 2019, 06:06:10 PM »
Neddy greets the gig economy teenager dropping off the Italian restaurant's lukewarm carbonara at his door with a handshake.

A loaded handshake, Neddy thinks, as the two pound coin slips instantly out of his sweaty grasp, the exchange fumbled and badly, the coin tumbling onto the doorstep and rolling away merrily into the street, where it plunges straight down a drain with a plop, forever irretrievable.

Neddy shrugs - boyishly, he assumes - and says "Sorry about the bread, man", and closes the door on his peer who was starting to say "You didn't ask for br-"

Shit just happens. "Neddy is wise", he reassures himself in the third person, "way beyond his years."

"Who are you talking to now?" shouts his wife
« Last Edit: September 25, 2019, 06:19:39 PM by NJ Uncut »

NJ Uncut

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #67 on: September 25, 2019, 06:22:18 PM »
Neddy calls the corporation, coughing loudly to his PA. "I can't come in today."

"What's wrong Mr Oldman?" she purrs lasciviously, albeit with a tinge of genuine concern. "You sound terrible.. do you need somebody to take care of you, tuck you up in bed, are you all sick?"

Ned hacks, his garbled voice spluttering: "...Sick?? Naw, naw. I'm just grounded"

NJ Uncut

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #68 on: September 25, 2019, 06:34:58 PM »
Neddy stands up at the annual investor's conference in Brighton, where he is expected to deliver a presentation on the various income streams his department has spearheaded in the financial year to date as well as reveal enticing projections and blue-sky ideas for the coming quarter.

Hundreds of eager faces, in black tie attire, financially minded, prudent, and truly, truly believing in The Business, behold him smilingly, peering up at him with monstrously expectant scrutiny, pregnant with conjecture, ravenous for deliverables. An expert speechmaker in his own right, he turns his own gaze over the entire room, soaking up the attention, holding his steel; he knows they're his now, and he's milking the sheer possibility a pause of juuust the right length can squeeze from even the most trepidatious audience.

"Sorry, I was up all night smoking reefers and doing Ex Box with my mates," he explains to the nervously tittering crowd. "Homework is for squares." Neddy gets off the podium, and asks a passing waiter for a fucking Stella.

Absolute silence grips the room. Then... one pair of hands claps, awkwardly, but resolutely. Another. Then another! By Christ, the sound of even more palms slapping together ripples out... and then it is rapturous

NJ Uncut

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #69 on: October 18, 2019, 10:24:08 PM »
Neddy is a SEXUAL TYRANNOSAURUS!

Been extinct ages.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #70 on: October 19, 2019, 10:31:40 PM »
DOCTOR: Hmmm, little bit of a murmur in the heart there, Ned.

NED: Liar.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #71 on: October 20, 2019, 06:48:04 PM »
"Fancy going on to a nightclub, Ned?"

"YEAH, let's do this, Up For It Andy! Ah nah, wait, me knee's playing up... think I'll just finish me Guinness and go home and watch the end of Match of the Day with a cuppa. Not that I'm accepting middle age by doing this or anything, I'm just knackered mate yeah cheers no ta that's me for the night."

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #72 on: October 21, 2019, 04:20:23 AM »
Ned checks out Cardi B on the Spotify on his new smartphone. "If things get any more modern I'll have to accept the Middle Age at this rate, mate," he muses to himself.

Glebe

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #73 on: October 23, 2019, 10:49:46 PM »
Neddy dresses up like MC Hammer and renames himself Neddy-B-Good. "Yo, I'm real down with what's happenin' in the hood, see? Word to m'homies on Moss Side."

Glebe

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #74 on: October 26, 2019, 03:23:03 AM »
"Irie, irie, lively up y'selves, m'mates! So, off to the local disco-pub? Can I come too?"

LATER.

"I'm sorry, officer, I won't talk to kids on the bus anymore, I know now it's a bit weird."

a duncandisorderly

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #75 on: October 26, 2019, 05:53:52 AM »
ned gets banned from another guitar shop. undeterred, he sneaks back in & pins his want-ad to the board. it's the only one there on headed paper.

Glebe

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #76 on: October 27, 2019, 07:21:21 PM »
"Hey, I'm real up on the cool bands. M'favourite is Coldplay, the granddaughter is always listening to 'em! UH I MEAN the daughter... I DO NOT HAVE A GRANDDAUGHTER. I DO NOT HAVE A GRANDDAUGHTER."

NJ Uncut

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #77 on: October 27, 2019, 07:33:20 PM »
I DO NOT HAVE A GRANDDAUGHTER. I DO NOT HAVE A GRANDDAUGHTER."

The work experience lad comes into the office with a hot cup of Java for the Nedster (who said calling coffee this was contemporary slang) and notices upon Nedward's desk a framed photo of a little blonde girl.

"Here's your coffee. Aw, she's cute. You her grandad then?"

"No way, my n***a! I'd have to have started boning at ten to be a grandad now! Although I did start at 12, which was about half my life ago..."

"So she's just some unrelated blonde kid you want to stare at all day? And you're not her grandad. Are you... a nonce?"

Neddy goes absolutely fucking apopleptic. "I AM NOT HER FUCKING GRANDFATHER!! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE OR YOU'RE FIRED."

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #78 on: October 29, 2019, 12:18:34 AM »
Neddy intercepts his niece and her mates at her 21st birthday party.

"Heh, guys how's it hanging? Just heard the new one from The Vampire Weekend, top indie rock pop for today, three stars!"

"Fuck off you sad old bastard."

Glebe

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #79 on: October 31, 2019, 02:35:57 AM »
"Age is just a number, isn't it?" Ned asks himself tearfully in the pub toilet mirror.

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #80 on: November 01, 2019, 03:54:03 AM »
"D'you reckon I'm too old for Rachel Riley, Tony?" Ned asks Twentysomething Tony between mouthfuls of sushi at YO! Sushi.

"You're too old for Carol Voderman, mate!" chuckles Tony in reply. "Only joking Ned, but yeah, y'know..."

NJ Uncut

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #81 on: November 01, 2019, 04:19:53 AM »
Ned listens to the new Liam Gallagher song in his Quattro.

"I'm still into new music," he says to himself, proudly, his driving gloves squeaking on the wheel as the car powerfully turns into the office car park, and into his private space next to the disabled spaces, noticing a crisp packet toss lightly through the air, the soft buffet of wind hitting him as he steps out of his vehicle and notices with a certain wistfulness the reds, oranges and purples of the morning sky, a deep sighing ache in his bones, which, he reflects, might know more than his mind does about the coming and going of the seasons.

"New music always makes me feel so alive!"

NJ Uncut

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #82 on: November 01, 2019, 04:27:42 AM »
Hah, you're doing a crossword, Michelle? You're turning into an old maid! Hmm.. Twelve across will be Voyaging by the way, the question's often a pun in the Times. Can I have the cartoons when you're done please?

NJ Uncut

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #83 on: November 01, 2019, 04:46:49 AM »
Ned's new bird really is top totty, and she's only a couple of years younger than him, being at the uni next year.

It's time to meet her folks though. They knock on the door, and her dad answers. Seems about of ages with Neddy.

"Hi, I'm Nedward," crows Neddy. Sensing a spot of tension, he says "You must be Chloe's old man!"

"Not that old. About as old as you mate. Hey, nice Quattro by the way."

"Yeah? Real power in the feel of the drive, gets decent milage too, took it up Wales few weeks ago, managed on a single gallon. You know what it's like, I'm a bit of a boy racer. Suppose I'll grow out of it one day!"

"That is absolutely wicked! Haha I know what you mean, I'm quite the road warrior myself. Do come in, Ned, I'm Ed. I'm afraid me and Chloe's mum split about six months ago, she was a bit dowdy for me now she's in her late thirties, but Chloe's new stepmum is here for dinner!"

Chloe remonstrates. "Aww dad, don't call Lana that, she's only a couple years older than me! She's more like a sister."

Lana walks past the door and gives Neddy a cheeky wave. Ed turns to go inside, and as his back is turned, Ned whispers to Chloe:

"Not calling your dad a nonce or anything, but isn't she a bit young for him?.. Ah yes Ed, a Smirnoff Ice'd be just the ticket, my nigga."

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #84 on: November 02, 2019, 12:10:47 PM »
"Pfft, that Susan Boyle, embarrassing or what?!"

"I'm not a fan of the type of stuff she sings, but her voice is superb."

"Nah, Agreeable Andy, it's well awful! Bloody middle-of-the-road crap for fuddy-duddies!"

"What, and your taste in music is really radical then is it, Ned? Deacon Blue and all that."

"I do not like Deacon Blue, Andy! Well... I used to, back in the '80s... but I've moved on in the intervening years. Lighthouse Family, Dido, Bublé... you name 'em, I've rocked to 'em! I'm well up with the new ravers, mate!"

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #85 on: November 03, 2019, 02:28:21 AM »
"Really gonna enjoy this Club 18-30 holiday!"

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #86 on: November 04, 2019, 03:31:01 AM »
"Woah, just heard Kasabian for the first time! They now replace The Style Council as my new favourite band!"

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #87 on: November 05, 2019, 08:48:14 AM »
"Think I'll don my old leather jacket and head off to a nightclub... I've a few more years on the clock yet, you can't slow this tiger down!"

HALF AN HOUR LATER.

"Well that was a nice half of shandy, but it's good to be home! Slippers on, kettle on, DVR Bargain Hunt binge-watch!"

NJ Uncut

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Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #88 on: November 05, 2019, 06:36:29 PM »
"Woah, just heard Kasabian for the first time! They now replace The Style Council as my new favourite band!"

"And I thought Keane blew my head off...!"

Glebe

  • This is a low-flying panic attack.
Re: Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy
« Reply #89 on: November 07, 2019, 06:14:53 AM »
Friday night. Ned spots a load of young people at the bus stop, heading out for the evening.

"Heh guys, wazzup?! Goin' out clubbin' 'n' ravin' I'd wager, heh! Me, I'm off home... nah, gonna have a solo tonight, stay in and groove down to some hot sounds on the YouTube, crack open a bottle of brandy and look at some Dua Lipa videos or summit! But you guys party on, hey, have a great night! Bye!"

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