Not Accepting Middle Age Neddy

[Better Midlands]

Ned spends the whole day by the photocopier hoping someone asks for help just so he can say "ok boomer".

[Glebe]

Ned is listening to a radio station on his phone on the train.

"Wow, the new one from Robin Thicke is a real banger!"

"Robin Thicke?" says the twentysomething lady sitting next to him, "He disappeared a few years back, didn't he? Heard nowt from him since."

"Well, maybe it's not a new song... but the DJ woman said it was by Robin Thicke. Er... this is my stop now."

[Pink Gregory]

Neddy pours one out on the kerb for a homie.

"It's only Wolf Blass but I'm sure he won't mind"

[Glebe]

Neddy pours one out on the kerb for a homie.

"It's only Wolf Blass but I'm sure he won't mind"

"I've a bottle of Oyster Bay white he can have and all! Word up to my street people!"

[Glebe]

"S'up m'homies, scored some weed earlier, wanna get chillaxed?"

"Ned, we're in the middle of an important meeting here."

[Glebe]

"Felt like going old skool last night, so I popped on some classic Eminem! I was all of twenty when he came out! Well, maybe just a few... ten... years older... or... around that."

"What are you still doing here, Ned? You were fired after that weed-smoking comment when you interrupted that important meeting!"

[Glebe]

"I'm flipping delighted I've not been given the sack after all! Think I'll celebrate by taking the skateboard to work!"

[Glebe]

"Yo, wazzup?! Just gonna sit in the park and chill here by m'self, the homies in m'crew are elsewhere, see? So, how about them Sugarbabes, real rad, huh? That's a nice poodle... er... are you over eighteen?"

[Glebe]

"Just got the new iPod. Sweet!"

"Look, leave me alone, mate. I'm just in here for a quiet drink, don't want no out-of-touch old bastard trying it on with me."

[Glebe]

Ned goes to a UB40 show. Just drinks soft drinks all night, sensibly. Then goes home, makes a cocoa and goes to bed. " I'm accepting middle age now," he tells himself, just before dropping off. "But for how long?"

[Glebe]

"Cor, the amount of legal raves I went to in my teens! I was known then as 'Non-Stop Ned', always looking forward to the weekend when I could large it on ecstasy tablet pills! Bangin'!"

The psychiatrist looks up. "You have nothing to gain by lying to me, Ned. You're only doing further damage to yourself."

Ned is crying.

[Glebe]

"Yeah baby, yeah! Party on, dude, most excellent! Hey, I like that Beaver and Bonehead! So ehh... you like that group Bush? You hip to 'em? Been to one of their concerts? By the way, I've seen you at this disco before. Hey, look at my mobile phone!"

Ned goes home alone again.

[Glebe]

"Remember the '90s, eh? Friends, The X-Files, Pearl Jam... ah, to be in my thirties... I MEAN to be in my teens again!"

[Glebe]

Neddy digs out his old drainpipe trousers. "Look out world, I'm back and I'm ready to skank!"

[Glebe]

Ned goes to see The Rise of Skywalker when it comes out. Before it all starts, he strikes up a conversation with the bloke sitting next to him.

"I remember watching the older Star Wars as a nipper... I mean the prequels, of course! I probably wasn't even born when The Phantom Menace came out!

It's dark enough in the cinema that the other bloke can't quite out how old Ned looks. Plus he is speaking at a higher pitch to sound younger.

[Glebe]

Ned puts on his newly-bought hipster gear and goes to a nightclub and sits in a corner drinking a moccacino and doing a bit of the Googling on his brand new MacBook Pro.

[Glebe]

"Just heard a new phrase in an office meeting; 'Blue-sky'. Language has changed so much since I were a lad... gotta stay young and 'blue-sky' ideas from now on, like these modern yuppies!"

[Glebe]

"Guys, just to let you know, I'm posting Mandalorian spoilers on FB right now, careful going through my news feed if y'not up to speed on the latest!"

"Yeah Ned you're supposed to have those reports finished by noon or you're sacked, mate. Just trying to help you out, old man."

[Glebe]

"So what do you think of this 'vaporwave' thing, Ned?" asks Office Oliver with a smirk.

"I dunno about that, but as far as the raves is concerned, I've 'Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt!" grins Ned. "That's the new phrase the kids are saying!"

[Glebe]

NAMAN is hoping to snap up a discounted Baby Yoda T-shirt in Black Friday sales.

[Glebe]

"I really miss the old 45s, used to love popping into Woolworths of a Saturday and... I MEAN, I REALLY MISS THEM CDS, USED TO LOVE POPPING INTO HMV OF A SATURDAY... IN THE, ERM, EARLY 2000S!"

[Glebe]

"OK boomer," Ned tells himself, "pop on that denim jacket and hit the clubs!"

Half an hour later.

"What do you mean you don't have Satzenbrau on tap? Used to drink it all the time in the '80s. I'm admitting my age now. Fuck."

[Glebe]

Neddy goes into work wearing a VR headset. "They're all doing it now!"

[Glebe]

"Ok fellow boomers, welcome to my new local radio show on Biggleswade FM! We're gonna keep the party goin' till 10PM here at 'Fun HQ', so let's kick things off with some old-skool Coldplay!"

[Glebe]

Neddy dusts off his old record player and blasts out Phil Collins' No Jacket Required at 3AM on a Monday morning. "All these 'hippers' are using the vinyls again.. let's rip it up a bit!"

[petril]

when Neddy speaks, you can hear the quotation marks in every post-1983 term

[Glebe]

Ned finds his old flashy '80s white suit jacket in the attic. "Collar-up and it's out on the town! I'm, er, wearing it in an 'ironic' way now, of course."

[petril]

Neddy is outside the nightclub in smokers' corner. Time for the routine talk about the bands from Back Then. same bands. same order. different young face this time. same time next week? you're alright. It'll be some other twentysomething

[Glebe]

"Who remembers Pokémon Go?" chirps Neddy to a bunch of hipsters at his local Wetherspoons.

"Well pleased with that one!" he smiles to himself as he returns to his table. "It's a modern thing, so talking about it in the past tense makes me seem way ahead of the pack!"

[Glebe]

"What do you make of that grime music then Ned?" enquires co-worker Lunchtime Len.

"M'granddaughter is a big fan of her!"

"No I mean the musical genre 'grime'."

"I've done it again, haven't I? I meant to say 'daughter', not 'granddaughter'... I REPEAT, I HAVE NO GRANDDAUGHTER. I AM NOT A GREAT-GRAND... I MEAN A GRANDFATHER!"