Topic: Strictly Come Dancing 2019

[machotrouts]

STRICTLY COME DANCING 2019 CELEBS: A HANDY GUIDE

Emma Barton. Plays Honey in EastEnders. My mum had to watch EastEnders for a month for a writing course she was doing, and whenever I came in the living room when it was on, she'd point at the screen and shout "I can't STAND this woman! She CAN'T act! She's UNBEARABLE!". Emma Barton was that woman.

Catherine Tyldesley. Played Eva in Coronation Street. Turned up on a lot of Strictly fans' fantasy line-ups, though not for any reason other than "well, she's left Corrie now, so she might as well". Is it true ITV don't let anyone do Strictly if they're part of the current Corrie cast? We'll never get to see Ken Barlow do a samba at this rate. What's the fucking point of even having a television.

Dev Griffin. A Radio 1 DJ. I think radio is something we had before podcasts, and are due to have again after the apocalypse, but it doesn't exist at the moment, so not sure what this is all about. Wikipedia reckons he's known mononymously as "Dev", which ITV will be furious about.

James Cracknell. Rower, Tory*, cunt**. *sorry for the tautology **sorry for the tautology

Mike Bushell. One of those people from BBC Breakfast whose only hope of ever entertaining a single individual is by being picked for Strictly to appear incongruous on a dancefloor. Paired with Katya Jones who copped off with Sean(n) Walsh last year, picked presumably as her most sexless conceivable partner. I think it's the same principle as when they paired Kristina Rihanoff with Daniel O'Donnell, back when she was seen as a vampish maneater, before she went on Celebrity Big Brother to be John Partridge's drippy underling.

Alex Scott. Or, to give her her full Wikipedia title, "Alex Scott (footballer, born 1984)". Surely the first Strictly celebrity ever to have had a column in the Morning Star. Strictly is a show mostly enjoyed by people who are capable of using the word "glitz" without retching themselves inside out, and very few of those people are communists. Partnered with Neil Jones, Katya's estranged husband, pity-promoted from his previous role as an eternal understudy who just pops up in group dances but never gets a partner.

David James. Or, to give him his full Wikipedia title, "David James (footballer, born 1970)". Just realised "him" and "his" are different words but "her" and "her" aren't? Weird. I only know who footballers are if they featured on a UK #1 single, because then I'll have researched and assessed their mortality for my themed Derby Dead Pool team of UK #1 hitmakers, and he wasn't in the England World Cup Squad 1970 (Back Home), the Manchester United FC Squad 1994 (Come on You Reds), or ENGLANDNEWORDER (World in Motion), so I've got nothing here. Happy to discuss Nobby Stiles' advanced dementia and prostate cancer, though. Any moment now, Nobby.

Anneka Rice. Delighted to report that I'm too young to know who she is. I thought I'd seen Treasure Hunt repeats on Challenge, but everything I thought I remembered about them was actually from Interceptor repeats on Challenge. The main thing I know about her is she's not Ulrika Jonsson, and yet on some level I still think she maybe is.

Chris Ramsey. Comedy forum Cook'd and Bomb'd: should I know who this man is? It's the second consecutive series they've got a comedian I've never heard of. I've searched "site:cookdandbombd.co.uk chris ramsey" and it's all threads from 2013 called things like 'Name Some Fucking Shit Comedians We All Hate Here In 2013'. Before my time. I could name plenty of great Strictly picks just from people I've seen at the Fringe this year. Edward Aczel. Mark Silcox. Top Bodybuilder Brian. I haven't finished my reviews in that thread yet but I DO have the time to start a thread about Strictly Come Dancing.

Viscountess Emma Weymouth. Nobody fucking knows.

Will Bayley. World number 1 ranked Paralympic tennis player. Allegedly. Not like anyone's going to check, is it. He has arthrogryposis, which is I don't know what that is. I don't think he has any missing bits, which means he's probably actually fine and should pull himself together.

Karim Zeroual. It always seems a bit bleak when I find myself reluctantly fancying one of the celebrities on Strictly Come Dancing. It's a phase of my life I hoped never to enter. That's it now, machotrouts, that's what you do with your life – get very lightly horny about someone off of Strictly on the telly once a week. He's a CBBC presenter, and obviously I did not know him beforehand, but then I saw the launch show, and ahh, look at him. He's so small and innocuous. I would trust this man around my children. In fact my children could probably defeat this man in battle. I do not have children – but he does not know that.

Saffron Barker. If they're going to have YouTubers, can't they at least find YouTubers who have a Wikipedia page? There are tons of them. Chris Crocker. Rebecca Black. Samwell. Amos Yee. Nyan Cat. Harlem Shake.

Jamie Laing. It felt like an admission of defeat for Strictly to have just some bloke off Made in Chelsea. They don't usually have people who are just some bloke off Made in Chelsea. Even the TOWIE feller they had once I think they tried to convince us was mainly there because he was a DJ. Fortunately his ankle fell off or something in the group dance, and he's already been expelled from the series due to injury. As a replacement, they've drafted in:

Kelvin Fletcher. Imagine not even being in the top 15 celebrities picked for this series. He was on Emmerdale for 20 years, apparently. Imagine giving up 20 years of your life to Emmerdale. You might as well have been born dead.

Michelle Visage. I don't watch RuPaul's Drag Race, but I did get the pleasure of seeing her on Celebrity Big Brother, in which she: tunnelled up the arse of Katie Hopkins, led the bullying of the harmless and gentle Alicia Douvall explictly on the basis that she was "weak", and appointed herself, a straight woman, as the house's chief representative of the gay community, routinely condemning the actual gay men in the house not just for their behaviour in and of itself, but for how it reflected on gays as a whole, specifically accusing Perez Hilton of "setting back the gay community 50 years" for being loud and annoying. Prides herself on speaking up for "misfits", but when confronted with actual misfits, was happy to pal up with an actual fascist to ostracise them further. I hate her, and I hope she breaks several ankles.

[machotrouts]

Here are the recent posts from the 2018 thread that got bumped for the launch show. More like Strictly Come Necromancing right lads

Kylie Minogue with an absolutely barnstorming mess to open this new series.

The launch show opened with Kylie Minogue doing a big fat fucking shit on stage.

That social media cunt needs shooting.

This is probably about the teenage girl off of YouTube.

I came here to post the very same.

Thanks

How can you have massive tits and still be a pro dancer? Wouldn't it like fuck with your balance or something?

This is in reference to the celebrities... many of whom are massive tits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Turns out the new judge is the sister of one of the dancers.

I know it's not a an actual competition but fucksake.

This is in reference to new judge Motsi Mabuse. I've transcribed her prerecorded intro VT:

"As a judge, when I'm watching dancing, I really need to feel that everybody's giving 110%. You have to give everything. Absolutely everything. I want to see dancing and be like, oh my god, this is it. I want to be electrified. I want to feel your fire: so you'd BETTER, PUT, IT, ONNNNN! Ha ha ha ha ha."

Not sold yet to be honest.

Ha ha ha - Made from Chelsea cock out already!

Well I don't remember seeing that.

I think they do the sparkly lighting design and the confetti and all that specifically to fuck up the picture quality on iPlayer.

There's no confetti it's just pixels you homeless dial-up cunt


Hope that's helped bring everyone up to speed. Show properly gets started, with the celebrities actually doing dances and that, this evening.

[mothman]

Beautiful. Macho, I don’t know what a Soundcloud is, but if you had one I would subscribe to it (or whatever it is one does with them, I don’t fucking know, I’m pushing fifty, for Christ’s sake).

[sevendaughters]

The poster who watches EVERY COMEDIAN IN EDINBURGH has never heard of a comedian? Is this show being beamed in from an alternative dimension?

[Captain Z]

I was toying with the idea of watching this year, but I find myself in France watching highlights of their version "Danse Avec Les Stars" (same theme tune) and suddenly the cream of 11th-tier British celebs becomes a lot less appealing.

https://youtu.be/mJS4eEQwuVc?t=82

https://youtu.be/rjk2_xo2Rvw?t=144
 

[Dex Sawash]

US Dancin with the "Stars" is almost that sexy

https://youtu.be/7YBEceR7oeM

[gilbertharding]

I was toying with the idea of watching this year, but I find myself in France watching highlights of their version "Danse Avec Les Stars" (same theme tune) and suddenly the cream of 11th-tier British celebs becomes a lot less appealing.

https://youtu.be/mJS4eEQwuVc?t=82

https://youtu.be/rjk2_xo2Rvw?t=144

I'm sure I've said it before, but watching Danse avec les Stars is one of the most disorienting things there is. For one thing, you have NO IDEA who are the 'dansers' and which 'les stars' - and not just because one of them is off a soap opera you haven't watched for 20 years, and another one reviews trainers on youtube. It's because of HOW FUCKING SERIOUSLY they're all taking it. Hushed reverence from the audience. Point-by-point debrief from the judges... really odd.

It's like that other staple of prime time French TV viewing - five or seven people sit behind a desk and have an apparently earnest conversation about God knows what for hours and hours at a time.

[bgmnts]

Does that make it funnier or less funnier? It sounds promising.

[Huxleys Babkins]

I'm sure I've said it before, but watching Danse avec les Stars is one of the most disorienting things there is. For one thing, you have NO IDEA who are the 'dansers' and which 'les stars' - and not just because one of them is off a soap opera you haven't watched for 20 years, and another one reviews trainers on youtube. It's because of HOW FUCKING SERIOUSLY they're all taking it. Hushed reverence from the audience. Point-by-point debrief from the judges... really odd.

It's like that other staple of prime time French TV viewing - five or seven people sit behind a desk and have an apparently earnest conversation about God knows what for hours and hours at a time.

It's why the French wouldn't do anything as monumentally stupid as Brexit. Everything is properly analysed in detail, all chancers exposed and thrown to the wolves. If you're doing a dancing show, you do the dancing properly. No fucking about, no points for trying, no Le Brucie saying "you're my favourite" to the shitty ones, La Darcey giving them a fucking 7 for effort. Anyone who mucks about wins a visit to Madame Guillotine and quite right too.

[bgmnts]

Nah there was a REALLY stupid trashy show i watched whilst over there where a girl had to choose between five blokes who were all wearing big animal head masks.

[Captain Z]

They stand there and tearfully take their criticisms too, none of this 'boo, don't be so mean!' attitude. I can't translate but it seems very much 'I am sorry for disappointing you, please forgive me'.

That being said, a couple of the judges did seem a bit lenient. Based on very little I judged a quickstep as a 5, 6 if generous, and was surprised to see it awarded two 8's by someone who was possibly a member of Les Dolls Pussychat and a flamboyant male. But I was vindicated by the nasty judges who did indeed award a 5 and a 6.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Nah there was a REALLY stupid trashy show i watched whilst over there where a girl had to choose between five blokes who were all wearing big animal head masks.

Exactly, she was choosing which of them would die by the falling blade. The others are sent to join the foreign legion.

[BlodwynPig]

Ive never understood those massive glitzy European ‘chat’ shows. Its not Norton shite talk but earnest if informal discussion...for hours. Very middle class dinner party but sometimes there are olds too. Not just France, but Germany and Scandinavia too. Frustrated the fuck out of me when searching for softcore in hotel rooms

[gilbertharding]

'Never understood' as in... it's all in French? Me neither.

But yeah - for HOURS: hours of listless flipping through the channels until they all blur into one, and there they all are on Channel 2, still yakking away. Wait - one of them is going to take her shirt off... But, not.

[gilbertharding]

I can't remember what the French version of Don't Forget Your Toothbrush was called. N'Oubllier Pas Votre Brosse a Dentes, probably. But it was a pretty faithful rendition.

[chveik]

there are trashy reality tv & stupid game shows in france too. but yeah public channels do love them pseudo intellectual borefests. maybe they don't have the money ot the talent to create good programs

[machotrouts]

Relieved that James Cracknell was fucking shit. Overwhelmingly has the tone of an ill-advised comedy deleted scene on the DVD extras of an early Terminator sequel.

The Emmerdale understudy came top of the leaderboard so good for him. A nice rags (preliminary Dancing on Ice line-up) to riches (this) story. Can't wait for it to get awkward later on when Motsi has to pretend her sister with the obvious frontrunner is doing shit to avoid anyone kicking up a fuss.

Shirley Ballas managed to make the end of the show a bit tense and awkward – after being effusive and encouraging to everyone (even with James I think her commentary was basically "you're doing it for the dads! You might be shit but you've spunked it up a lass at least once, and it took!"), she was strikingly frosty and passive-aggressive to Emma (Barton) (hate that we have to disambiguate them. Did they NEED to book both for the same series? We can't possibly leave the random-ass viscountess till 2020? What's she going to be busy doing, tugging off rhinos for charity?).

Some people have defended Shirley on the basis that there are higher expectations for Emma based on, well I don't know, presumably she has dance experience, got trafficked into the Pussycat Dolls or something? But if you're an average viewer, i.e. not a Digital Spy poster extensively researching who is and isn't a "ringer" as if that's just a normal part of anyone's vocabulary, you'll have gone from thinking "oh wow, notorious duffermagnet Anton du Beke has got someone good this year!" to wondering why the fuck the head judge is acting like Honey from EastEnders just ran over her cat and posted its guts through her letterbox. Even if she isn't living up to her potential, it's week 1, that could have waited a bit couldn't it. Just give it your 5 and go "could be Anton's year! Lots of potential! Can't wait!". Keep it light Ballas. Trying to make a TV show here.

Feels like she's immediately killed the quinquennial Let's Give Anton Someone Who Isn't Dogshit And Hope He Won't Bomb It By Being Racist narrative, while Anneka Rice, who they've avoided plonking with Anton seemingly just to subvert expectations, is out there towering over little Kevin Clifton for no good reason. Noticeably taller than him even without heels. This would be fine if they just put him in heels instead, but the patriarchy is almost certainly not going to be overthrown while Strictly is still on TV.

I was toying with the idea of watching this year, but I find myself in France watching highlights of their version "Danse Avec Les Stars" (same theme tune) and suddenly the cream of 11th-tier British celebs becomes a lot less appealing.

https://youtu.be/mJS4eEQwuVc?t=82

https://youtu.be/rjk2_xo2Rvw?t=144

Unfortunately the uploader has not made these available to watch in the UK.

US Dancin with the "Stars" is almost that sexy

https://youtu.be/7YBEceR7oeM

Unfortunately the uploader has made this available to watch in the UK.

[machotrouts]

James Cracknell has been terminated after dolloping his way through a nominally fun jive to Tutti Frutti. Don't think "dolloping" is a word – just feels like the right syllables to use.

He got a score of 11 in week 1, the worst since Quentin Willson's 8 in series 2, and therefore effectively the worst in living memory. Did anyone watch series 2? Julian Clary was a finalist. Does anyone remember Julian Clary doing Strictly? Carol Vorderman was in it. I still sometimes see people suggesting Carol Vordeman should do Strictly. She's DONE it and apparently was QUITE bad.

In week 2, David James the goals man managed to top (bottom?) this almost-record with a score of 10 for this excuse for a paso doble. I don't know David James well enough to have any predisposition to hate him so I just found this quite endearing. He looks like he's being manoeuvred by a blindfolded puppeteer. He's bad at it in all the ways I feel like I'd be bad at it, so maybe he's going for charming earthy relatability.

Both ended up in the dance-off after the public failed to take pity, despite a bit of emergency illness-milking from James (Cracknell), ooh I only stood as a Conservative Party candidate for South West England and Gibraltar in the European Parliament election of 2014 because I had a brain injury honest guv, and the lower-scoring (David) James survived by apparently improving his performance skills (frowning more?), making this the lowest-scoring routine to survive a dance-off in Strictly history. Congratulations all round, Jameses.

Don't remember any good dances. Emma Barton spent half her routine looking like she was about to fall flat on her arse but Shirley managed not to be weird to them this time. I mean, a bit weird but only in the normal way she's a bit weird.

It's on again in a bit.

[Captain Z]

The one time I actually watch an entire episode and there's no discussion.

I think it's safe to say that any embers of my childhood crush on Anneka Rice have been extinguished. I would almost always blame a lead for their follower falling over but seeing as [Google name of the bloke who should not have been wearing a shirt that tight]'s partner managed to also do this at the top of the stairs before being interviewed then maybe I'll reserve judgement. The Anton-teeth faux pas was actually quite amusing and ohgodwhathaveIbecome

[machotrouts]

I watch every entire episode but I can never bring myself to post about it immediately because watching Strictly Come Dancing and posting about Strictly Come Dancing is too much emotional labour for one day.

Anneka did a Kill Bill-themed charleston in character as as The Bride, and Kevin as one of the Crazy 88 (missed opportunity – he clearly should have been Gogo), and was in the bottom two and eliminated after seemingly forgetting her entire routine both times. I mean, that surely wasn't her routine, was it? To stand around gurning while Kevin ran in circles around her? Sort of an inverted Kill Bill where instead of Uma killing all of the Crazy 88, just one guy kills Uma 88 times. It was right that she went. She seemed very nice but being a member of an assassination squad is not for her.

Next lowest on the leaderboard were David James and Mike Bushell, but I liked both their dances, because they both opened with them flying onto the dancefloor on wires, and then – and this is what I like – their pro conspicuously having to fill for a bit while their celebrity partner is removed from their harness just off-camera. I love a good unharnessing pro fill. Just doing a little dance on the spot to stop us thinking about the safety crew who've presumably swarmed the dancefloor to give the celebrity a professional unbuckling. Lovely. More of that and less of the proper dancing, please.

At the other end of the leaderboard, the first 10s of the series have been given already, to a charleston by Kelvin that I thought looked a bugger, but then the point of a charleston is it's supposed to look like a shambles, so how can I possibly know the difference, I'm not a dance judge. Wouldn't know a dance if I saw one. What the FUCK is this show about.

Also, RuPaul turned up in Michelle Visage's backstage VT to remind viewers what she's on the show to promote give her a pep talk, which included the following exchange:

Michelle: "We're doing the Viennese Waltz."
RuPaul: "Well, there's an ointment for that, you know. You don't have to suffer with Vietnenese any more."

Well, that doesn't fucking work, does it? "There's an ointment for that!" is one of those shit stock jokes you wheel out whenever someone says anything that sounds vaguely medical, but "Viennese Waltz" does not sound like a condition. It sounds like a dance, which it is. And note the second part, in which he stutters and says, and I have transcribed this accurately, "Vietnenese". Like he palpably lost faith in the joke partway through and the word it hinged on just collapsed and died in his mouth. A total abortion of a joke. One assumes that he thought "well, that joke failed, but at least there's no reason for it to be included in the edit for people on a comedy forum to dissect". But it was, Paul.

[bgmnts]

I hope that youtube cunt breaks her leg or something. Using her nan to gain sympathy because she is really shit at dancing.

I must have watched a different dance to the judges - unless they were pressured by the sob story - because she looked like the fucking Tin Man.

[touchingcloth]

I hope that youtube cunt breaks her leg or something. Using her nan to gain sympathy because she is really shit at dancing.

I must have watched a different dance to the judges - unless they were pressured by the sob story - because she looked like the fucking Tin Man.

Yep. Bringing the nan in is always a surefire sign that someone is flagging in popularity against the producers' wishes.

I like that having Paralympians is now a regular thing in the lineup, but I could really do without the YouTubers. It's not a thing worthy of attention.

[NJ Uncut]

Watched this in my sister's doing the baffled jokes, "who the fuck is THAT" shite. "Bet she's got loads of follwers on Youtube!"

.. Sad when you're right without doing research

[BlodwynPig]

I would like to see more contestants pooled from those gruff but emotive northern men who voice heart churning adverts about families coming together to celebrate a christmas chutney

[gilbertharding]

Well that was bullshit.

They made the lovely woman cry.

[machotrouts]

Not sure I like the contemporary dances, nans or no nans. Just a load of overwrought emotions and feet.

Dev's been Aston Merrygolded. Likely finalist one week, one mediocre dance the next, DEV OUT. Devoed. At least his partner liked him.



Reluctant discovery – I've spent 4 weeks thinking I just found David James endearing, but then I saw him with his hair loose and floppy in his rehearsal VT and, oh shit, I actually fancy him? Right. Okay, that's something I have to deal with now. He's old enough to be my dad, and tall enough to be my dad. Usually I only like the children's TV presenters, like a sort of proxy paedophile. Don't know what to say really. He could catch my balls any time! How about that.

[BlodwynPig]

Talking of balls, why is Zoe Ball still learning how to do the Tango?

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Richard Wattis.

[touchingcloth]

Why do the men always wear smoking jackets for the tango/Argentine?

Reluctant discovery – I've spent 4 weeks thinking I just found David James endearing, but then I saw him with his hair loose and floppy in his rehearsal VT and, oh shit, I actually fancy him? Right. Okay, that's something I have to deal with now. He's old enough to be my dad, and tall enough to be my dad. Usually I only like the children's TV presenters, like a sort of proxy paedophile. Don't know what to say really. He could catch my balls any time! How about that.

Careful, mate. Gay, that. Careful.

[machotrouts]

David's been eliminated, sparing him the indignity of having to do an inevitable Frankenstein-themed dance for Halloween week. Pleased with him for lumbering his way to 12th. Now how about goalkeep my ASSHOLE bitch? My sincerest apologies to his family and everybody else I have offended and continue to offend.

Speaking of careful mate gay that careful, I enjoyed a pro group dance for the first time this Sunday. I wondered why I only really paid attention to Johannes in whoever-is-partnered-with-Johannes & Johannes's dances. Gaydar that. Careful.

(My favourite bit is the jump-scare reminder of heterosexuality at 2:58.)

Aston Merrygolded.

They actually had Kelvin cha-cha-cha-ing to an Aston Merrygold song this week. Was that a sort of metajoke? Who even remembers Aston Merrygold had songs? His solo music career flopped even harder than his solo Strictly career. 10th in Strictly is still the only top 10 he'll have outside JLS.

We also saw another schmaltz 'n' feet dance this week, this time a well-received performance by Will, my favourite bit of which was the accidental slapstick of Janette's dress draping over his face and him taking a couple of tries to claw it back off, which absolutely nobody DARED mention. Talk about overcoming adversity.