MATTER OF FACT FOOLSTY TOWERS CATERING THING

[DangledTeeth]

Bollocks Del: I'd like to book a room, John, with three singles. It's me 50th birthday, son. PLONKER JUBBLIES!

Shack Basil: Ah, well, I can see what I can do for you three gentleman.

Bollocks Del: What's thaa-aat supposed to mean? Oh, I get it, beam me up, snotty.

Plague Albert: That's no way ta trea' an aold war 'ero  an' his two great-nephews, sahn.

Shack Basil: War hero?

Bollocks Del: Don't mention the war!

Shack Basil: Don't mention the war!?

Plague Albert: Joorin-the-waw... sharks.

Coach Passengers: HAHAHAHA.

Bollocks Del: You ain't meant to be on a coach. This is the comedy dining thing, innit, eh.

Coach Passengers: No, we're just leaving. This is shit.

Bollocks Del: Rodney, you cunting little plonker! Thissiz awl yor fawt.

Perpendicular Rodney: MEEE?!  Wha' have I done?!

Bollocks Del: This is precisely my point, half-brothers - bugger nothing! You ought to have used a bit of the old charm instead of wanking into yer Pent'ouse.

Perpendicular Rodney: How could have I convinced the diners to stay and enjoy themselves?

Bollocks Del: You'd have thought of sammink, Rodders. You're the one with the GCEs.

Perpendicular Rodney: Yeah... in Maths and Art. But I ain't got one in Torquay Hotel.

Coach Driver: I'm gonna do a u-turn. This is actually funny.

Passengers: YUUUUAAAH!

Shack Basil: This. Is. Typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... ccCCUNNNTTT I have to put up with from you people. You ponce in here, expecting to be handwaited on hand and foot while I'm trying to poorly impersonate select scenes from a classic sitcom! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sticking your noses into your Muller Corner, sniffing to determine if it's out of date, laughing at our amateurish acting and barely convincing appearance, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something - this is exactly how Only Fools and Three Courses started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to try and earn a few quid for their dodgy acting! Well, I've had fifteen weeks of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your arses and shit off! WWWWWOODLOUSE! WOODLOUSE! WOODLOUSE!

Bent Manuel: I am from Barbados.

[DangledTeeth]

A brunette with a Spacehopper up her blouse is sat on a dining chair

Bombed Anna: Ooooh! Beybih ist coming.

Basil raises his index finger above his lips

Scruffy Polly: Mister Fawlty, no! Do the theme tune to Cagney and Lacey. Tooty-toot-parp-parpy-darp-bup.

Atrocious Basil: Who's this, then?

Basil goosesteps across the Jury's Inn floor

Man doing French Accent: Thizziz naut funnee!

Atrocious Basil: Yes it is might be, you fucking Kraut wankpiece.

Man Doing a French Accent: It ihs naut funnee for any German people.

Atrocious Basil: Oh, who won the ffffucking war anyway?

Lopsided Del: Sorry, Boycie, the deal is off.

7-foot Boycie: The deal is off?! Too right it is, Derek the Del Boy. The 'baby' is brown.

Polly as Marlene: Dukey's braown. We could say it was a throwback.

7-foot Boycie: F'gaawd's sake, Mahlayne! I might be able to convince people to buy my deathtrap motors, I might be able to convince Trigger you gave birth in a matter of minutes, but how I am I gonna convince 'em that my grandad was a bouncy castle?!?!

Manuel: I am from Barcarena.

[Captain Z]

*Del's three-wheeler breaks down*

"That's it, you're gonna get  bloody good hidin'!"

*Del grabs inflatable doll... *

[Alberon]

Basil falls through the reception desk.

[Fambo Number Mive]

Note: This is not meant to resemble any of the actual Fawlty Towers Only Fools and Horses dining experiences or be a comment on them. This is simply how if I started one how it might be written.

Uncle Albert: We had better food than this during the war.

Del Boy: Do not mention the war again, or I will rip  your balls off, give them to the chef and ask him to fry them in hollandaise sauce and serve them to us for breakfast tomorrow. All right?

Basil Fawlty: I'm so sorry you don't like the food.

Uncle Albert: I was on a submarine during the war

Basil: Why don't you drown your liver in some of the crates of going off lager that long streak of French sold me that morning. Go into the bar and get hammered.

Uncle Albert leaves

Basil: Listen, you Cockney ignoramus, I do the testicle removal around here, all right? Any balls ripped off will be done by me. Now why don't you go and polish your garish medallion, you flat cap wearing fart.

Del Boy: Actually, I might go to the bar.

[Huxleys Babkins]

GOUT DEL: Stone the bleedin' crows, Rodders. All these rules and regulations and Spanish waiters, it's worse than the EU around here.

DINERS: YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!

BASIL BOYCIE: Dining Invite!

*APPLAUSE*

V/O: BOOK NOW!

[Huxleys Babkins]

UNCLE GRANDAD: Doorin da whoah...

BASIL BOYCIE: No, you can't mention the war! I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it!

DINERS: Hahahahaha

COMMUNITY SERVICE DEL: Right, that's pretty much the whole point of this. Now if you could hurry up and finish your puddings and fuck off, we've got another lot of punters due in 30 minutes.

[DangledTeeth]

Clunge Boycie: Now... what seems to be the problem?

Home Counties Diner: Erm, the sausages seem rather off.

Dilapidated Del: Off? Yoo mahst be jaokin, me ol' jubbly. I bough' 'em from Henry the Eritrean; they were brand new second-'and. What fries never lies, as they say in Toulouse.

Clunge Boycie: Yes. This obstreperous fellow is my food supplier, whoever Del is.

Diladipated Del: Oi! Where's me 50th birfdee par'y, son?

Crappy Polly: I have no idea who you are, David Jason, but I'd say your character is in his 70s by now.

Average Rodney: Nah, he's definitely 50.

Backwards Wig Manuel skulks past Del

Diladipated Del: Juan, sing Old Shep.

Backwards Wig Manuel: Senor, eet ees the sad song. QUE?!

Diladipated Del: Sing. Old. Shep.

Backwards Wig Manuel: When I was a laaaad, and Old Shep was a pup...

Home Counties Diner: Food poisoning.

[Huxleys Babkins]

THALIDOMIDE RODNEY: 'Ang on a minute... You were born in 1945, right? So why are we celebrating your 50th in 2019?

CAMP DEL: How should I know, Rodders? Maybe I told a few porkies about my age. You work it out, you're the one with the GCEs!

THALIDOMIDE RODNEY: But look around you... This hotel... It must be mid-70s. We're celebrating your fiftieth, in 1975, but you're actually 74. I don't want to panic you, but I think the fabric of time is collapsing all around us.

CAMP DEL: You're telling me I'm a paradox? Well that's bleeding marvellous, that is. So what are we going to do?

THALIDOMIDE RODNEY: The only thing you can do if you accidentally end up travelling through time. Shag a barmaid.

*DEL BOY FALLS THROUGH THE SPACE TIME CONTINUUM*

[Glebe]

DEL BOY: Manuel would you take the orders, please?

MANUEL: Oh Mr. Trotter I fall over!

AUDIENCE: Hahaha, this is great!

DEL BOY: Mangetout!

SYBIL: Nah, we're out of that, Del Boy. There's sugar snap peas, though.

[DangledTeeth]

Comedy Moustache Basil pushes a small trolley with a silver platter and lid

Comedy Moustache Basil: Ladies and gentlemen, so sorry to have kept you waiting.

'Basil' clashes two spoons together then lifts a lid

Baseball Cap Grandad: Do you like your Christmas pudding reeaaally well done?

Gorilla Mask Colonel: What about the fuck, Fawlty?

Comedy Moustache Basil: Erm... fuck's off.

Diners: HA HA HA HA!

Baseball Cap Grandad: Don't laugh, I am the chef. This is the main course.

[DangledTeeth]

V/O: Comeeeedyyyy dining experrrrrience. I sound like Christopher Biggins, and I'm supposed to enthusiastically introduce the coach tours. Laugh and chew and laugh as our highly trained thespians expertly reenact classic scenes from the much-loved comedy series, Fawwwlteh Towwwwehs! Featuring a special guest from another classic British sitcom.

Cornrow Sybil: You really do get on my tits sometimes, Basil.

Hitler 'tache Basil: I put the ad in the magazine in order to attract a superior class of people.

Cornrow Sybil: Yet you never asked me if it was alright.

Leprosy Del: Good evening. I'd like to book a room, John.

Hitler 'tache Basil: Yes? Yes? Fucking yes? Well, yes? I'm on the phone, sir.

Leprosy Del: Do you wan' me to sign this cheque with my surname?

Hitler 'tache Basil: Don't you have a forename?

Leprosy Del: I'm Lord Delbury, so I simply sign 'Del Boy'.

Hitler 'tache Basil (To phone): This call will be terminated. Sycophancy imminent.

Diner: Where's our meal?

Hitler 'tache Basil: It's in the briefcase.

An occupied table inspect an empty briefcase

Diner: Nothing's there. What about the brick, Fawlty?

Htler 'tache Basil: Erm... brick's off.

Lord Delbury evades the police

Hitler 'tache Basil: CUNTSTARD!

V/O: Book todaaaaaay.

[Glebe]

JAMES BUCKLEY: I played young Del for real, you know!

JASON STATHAM OR NIGEL PLANER: Look mate, don't make this more difficult than it already is.

[Cuellar]

Haha 'Leprosy Del' got me good

[Cuellar]

Ahaha as did Thalidomide Rodney

[DangledTeeth]

Stump Del: I am fifty years old today.

Ginger Basil: Spliffing!

Underpants Rodney: Cosmos!

Mohawk Sybil: BAZZA!

Not Bald Uncah Lahbert: Kneeeees ahp, Mavva Braahn! Playing me ukelele-ukelele-ukelele. KneesahpMavvaBraahn.

Marble Manuel: Hiiii. I speak Enguhlisshh quite wellhll. HI! I learneds it from a boot.

BBC Lawyer: Due to the mediocre quality and inaccurate portrayal of the characters' lines and general demeanour herein this performance, we deem it necessary to refrain from suing your bollocks off.

Danny Diner: I ain't ever seen five stars before.

[DangledTeeth]

Longitude Basil: Would you care for a biscuit?

Diner: AAUURGH! IT'S A REAL RAT THIS TIME!

Craggy Del: Minge toot! What a conker!

[Glebe]

Longitude Basil, heh!

[Captain Z]

SYBLE: hahahahahaha-eeehhhhh

BOYSIE: HEHEHEHEHEHHH

SYBLE: hahahaha-eeehhhhhh

ALBERT: huuh huuh huuh

BOYSIE: HEHEHEHEHEHEHHH

[DangledTeeth]

Blancmange Basil: What is the matter, Mrs Titts?

Middle-aged Mrs Tibbs: AaAaAaAgGghHh! HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD!



Stubble Del and Crutches Rodney jubilantly enter from the staircase

Stubble Del: Plonky Bennett, me old darling. 'oo's dead?

Blancmange Basil: Her late aunt. The daft old turd suddenly remembers her husband has died.

Crutches Rodney: Eh?!

Middle-aged Mrs Tibbs: WAH-HUH-HUH! THE GRANDAD.

Del: Do what?

Blancmange Basil: Yes, the grand ad I once put in a magazine. She remembers it fondly when she's distraught and has a kind of breakdown. Ah-hahf.

Stubble Del: Yeah, right you are, pal.

Blancmange Basil: Look at that over there! It's a piece of game pie on the floorling.

*STAMP STAMP*

Sexy Manuel: I do disco dance.

Blancmange Basil: Manuel, thank you. You can stop.

Blancmange Basil whispers in Wicker Polly's ear

Blancmange Basil: Don't mention the dead Grandad. Mrs Titts mentioned it once, but I think we got away with it.

Diners: Waste of money.

[DangledTeeth]

Del: Right! That's it, my son! Your soppy engine has been naused up too much! I've lost caoun' 'ow many times I've taken your wally arse in for an M.O.T. test, which ain't a lot, truth be told. But you're no good to me the way you are; it's either accelerate or stay there with the 'andbrake applied - we don't need any lame ducks. Speaking of ducks, that fucking trifle in the back will be getting warm. You dipstick, Robin! This is all your fault. Don't say I didn't warn you! I'm beginning to lose my patience with you, three wheels. Now I'm gonna count to ten, right, then I'm gonna shove this branch right up your...

Diners: Erm... we find this alternate version terribly hilarious, but could we go back inside? Our meals are getting cold.

[Norton Canes]

Basil dashes through the car park carrying a serving plate and cloche

Sybil: So Uncle Ted comes in with his crate of brown ale - HOO HOO! - and mother says, "Oh, Ted, look who's here!" And he says AAH HAA HAA HAA...

Basil enters the kitchen

Basil: Got the plates?

Polly: Okay

Basil: Got the sauces?

Polly: Got them

Basil enters the dining room, places the service tray on a trolley and pushes it over to the diners' table

Basil: So sorry to have kept you waiting...

He ostentatiously sharpens a carving knife before theatrically lifting the cloche. Underneath is Cassandra's abortion

[Close-up on Cassandra's abortion]

Basil stands for a moment, perplexed, before plunging his hands into Cassandra's abortion and rummaging around in an attempt to find a duck surprise

Basil: Well, er... who's for abortion?

Colonel Hall: What??

Basil: Er, abortion for you, Mrs Hall?

Colonel Hall: What about the duck, Fawlty?

Basil: Duck's off, sorry

[dr_christian_troy]

Boycie Berkeley: Papers arrived yet Del?

Alan Price: PAPERS

[Huxleys Babkins]

12 YEAR OLD RODNEY: The sign says "Flowery Twats"...

SYBIL: They've put the red carpet out for you then, Rodders!

12 YEAR OLD RODNEY: *whispering* Paul, you're in the wrong costume.

DEL IN SYBIL'S CLOTHES: *yanking off wig* For fuck's sake.

[Glebe]

[Fambo Number Mive]

BASIL: Polly, where are the napkins?

POLLY: Up your bum, Mr Fawlty.

LAUGHTER

BASIL: What

POLLY: I said, with them here I come!

BASIL: OK. Dining Invite!

POLLY: What?

BASIL: Just another one of my catchphrases. Dining Invite! More like Dining In...

MANUEL: Mr Fawlty! Mr Fawlty!

[DangledTeeth]

Half-dressed Basil: Sybil hasn't stormed off to play golf; she's quite unwell and is wearing sunglasses in bed

Group of Amateur Actors: Giggle! Hello, Sybil.





Accurate Cassandra: Please, leave me alone. I've had a miscarriage.

Half-dressed Basil: Who's for Waldorf salad?

Diners: AH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!

[dr_christian_troy]

Del Fawlty: Take the bags upstairs to Room 1 Rodders

Spanish Rodney: WHAT

Del Fawlty: Take the bags upstairs to Room 1.

Spanish Rodney: WHAT

Del Fawlty: Chandelier

Spanish Rodney: Curry?

Del Fawlty: Beckham Peckham?

Spanish Rodney: WHAT

Del Fawlty: Beckham Peckham open pub cellar?

Spanish Rodney: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH Room 1

Del Fawlty: Albert hat burial

Spanish Rodney: Miscarriage speech impendement

Del Fawlty: Auntie Rose has moved

Spanish Rodney: WHAT

Albert: During the war I killed lots of Germans

Del Fawlty: Don't mention it

Albert: And a young English boy

Del Fawlty: WHAT

Spanish Rodney: WHAT

Albert: WHAT

The corpse of Grandad falls out of a wicker basket

[Glebe]

POUNDSTRETCHER SYBIL: Ladies and gentlemen, the hotel's entertainment remit specifies that all entertainments must contain a musical element... and so, without further ado... BASIIIIL?!

BLACKFACE BASIL (singing): Waaaay down upon deh, Swa-nee Rib-ber...

REAL HOTEL MANAGER: Woah, woah, woah - my apologies ladies and gentlemen, I had no idea this offensive material had been added to the show!

BLAND AUDIENCE: ????

BLACKFACE BASIL: Cuh, typical, isn't it? Ever since the BBC axed The Black and White Minstrel Show a few years ago in 1978, things have gone from bad to worse! It's barmy broken Brussels Brexit Britain gone straight-shaped banarnas!

[Glebe]

ANGRY FLAT NOSE STATHAM BASIL: Now, who ordered the Waldorf Salad?

AMERICAN TOURIST: Now you listen here, Angry Flat Nose Statham Basil Fawlty! This is the crummiest dining experience I ever been to! Why I wouldn't have my dog do this dining experience!

STATHAM BASIL: Typical Americans, they don't get the humour!

ENGLISH DINER: I'm not satisfied!

THE REST OF THE DINERS: And neither are we! No stars out of five!

ANOTHER DINER: Come on everyone, let's go to the 'Allo 'Allo dining experience down the road!

AMERICAN TOURIST: Order ten taxis, I'll pay for 'em! Stay there, Statham Basil, or I'll bust your ass! Hot dog!



LATER:

STATHAM BASIL: Phew, glad they're all gone!

DINING EXPERIENCE INSPECTOR: Hang on, Statham Basil, I wasn't satisfied either!

STATHAM BASIL: Oh no... here, Nigel Planer Basil from the other 'experience', you deal with this!

NIGEL PLANER BASIL: Oh no.

DINING EXPERIENCE INSPECTOR: I have a list of problems here that need to be dealt with... Use of copyrighted material without permission; Bad amateur performances; A dull and uninspired choice of lines from the show; poor quality food served up by bad so-called 'actors' in tatty costumes... a poor-quality rat puppet in the biscuit tin... and oh yes, and there's a dead pigeon in the water tank!

NIGEL PLANER BASIL: Sure it's not a dead parrot, hah?!?!

DINING EXPERIENCE INSPECTOR: Give it a rest mate.