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MATTER OF FACT FOOLSTY TOWERS CATERING THING

Started by DangledTeeth, October 13, 2019, 10:58:41 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Glebe

DOESN'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE BASIL: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special treat for you tonight, as we are extremely privileged to welcome the real Basil and Del Boy - John Cleese and Sir David Jason!

AUDIENCE: YAAAAAY!!!

DOESN'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE BASIL: Gentlemen, what are your favourite bits from each other's shows?

SIR DAVID JASON: I loike the wan where he daz dah fanny wolk with the Geurmans!

JOHN CLEESE: And it's the falling through the bar for me.

THE END!


Ferris


DangledTeeth

Crooked Basil: Oh! Germans. Wunderbar.

German Diners: HO HO HO HO.

Crooked Basil: I'd like to welcome you Waldorf salad, erm, war to Forty Towels, named so because we fear the BBC will sue our undercrackers off if this hotel were called Fawlty Towers. Pleasant stay, Spanish waiter etc. Oh! And there are bedrooms with toilets and walls, sorry, warrrrs. And if the service isn't satisfactory, I can always 'Hitler' waiter around the back of his head. Ah-haw-haw.

Brunette Polly: Mr Forty, don't you dare do the goose-step. I implore you to hum the theme music to a hit seventies programme or spout a catchphrase.

German Diner: Cwying.

Crooked Basil: Shut up, you sobbing Kraut. Oo's this, then? 'Who loves ya, baby? Yoo dordy rat.'

Suddenly, the rooms tilts and Basil charges up the stairs

Crooked Basil: Choppy waves, is it?

Vagrant Del: Sammink like that, yeah. (Calling) Oi Albert, I thought we'd be in Hamsterdams by naow!

Trilby Albert Grandad: Don't you mean Starburger?

Vagrant Del: Don't give me that nautical terminology bollocks.

Welder's Mask Mr Hamilton: Tugboat to Holland, huh? Heinekendog!

DangledTeeth

Beardy Basil: Ladies and gentlemen, suh sorry to have kept you waiting, tonight's marvellous entertainment shall be providing by a singing duet; they've finished their sellout tour across north-east America, where they were the supporting act for Tom Jones and Diana Ross.

Short Rodney: Where did he get that deceitful load of fucking toss from?!?! (Stares at Hinge Del) Stupid question.

Beardy Basil: Our singing stars have decided to add an extra date at Forty Towels. Please give a warm and rapturous applause for Raquel Turner and Tony Manuelino.

Wig Raquel: When you said, "So long". Left me standing all alone. Alone and crying, crying. Crying, crying.

Hinge Del: FFFFucking good, ain't she, Rodney?

Short Rodney: 'Ain't' being the operative word.

Manuelino: Que?! Que?!

Diners: Tee-hee-hee.

Eugene the Diner: My mum thinks this is well funny. Can I book you for a week?

Manuelino: QUE?! Who crying? Nitwit?


Glebe

NORTHERN IRISH BASIL: Sure welcome to ye one an' all, to the Fawlty Towers experience so it is, aye!

AUDIENCE: Hahaha!!

NORTHERN IRISH BASIL: And sure what about yeh? Enjoy your hor d'oeuvres, hor d'oeuvres which must be obeyed at all times, so they must!

AUDIENCE: Heh!

REAL HOTEL CHEF: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid we have a bit of sitchiation, so we do! There has been a bomb alert, because of that Irish Backstop thing! Please leave your seats in a calm and orderly fashion!

ENGLISH TOURIST: I knew we should have gone to Dublin instead!

NORN BASIL: Nah, sure that's where they make the bombs!



DangledTeeth

#36

TONIOLI: What a brilliant sport! Give a big round of applause to our latest Gotcha recipient, Naga Munchetty! Coming up later on Bruno's House Party we could be coming to you on BTV but fir-

*DING DONG*

TONIOLI: It's John Cleese!

*CHEERING*

CLEESE: Dining invite!

AUDIENCE: HOORAY!

TONIOLI: Amazing! I hope the bailiffs didn't give you any trouble on the way in.

CLEESE: Dining invite!

AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHA!

TONIOLI: Superb! Mind you don't get gunged, John!

CLEESE: Dining invite!

*A KLAXON SOUNDS AND JOHN CLEESE IS SPLATTERED WITH BRIGHT GREEN GUNGE. CLEARING THE MUCK FROM HIS EYES WITH AN EXASPERATED LOOK ON HIS FACE, ANOTHER KLAXON SOUNDS AND CLEESE IS COVERED WITH ANOTHER TORRENT OF GUNGE*

TONIOLI: We put in his contract that he'd only get gunged once, but I think we got away with it!

AUDIENCE: CHORTLE!

CLEESE: Dining invite!

*RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER*

Fambo Number Mive

VOICEOVER: It's Fawlty Brexit Towers!

PIERCED BASIL: Don't mention the referendum! I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it! (Glares at audience until they titter nervously)

DRAMA SCHOOL SYBIL: Remainers are people just like us dear, it's not they're fault they believe whatever they read in the Guardian (Tears up the Guardian on stage, crowd cheer)

"BAR" which is simply a corner of the hotel they are "acting" in

PIERCED BASIL: There you go, one poached Corbyn, a Millar salad and a fried Juncker...I mean poached eggs and chips, a Waldorf salad (winks at audience, who look blankly back. Does a throat-cutting motion and glares until they laugh unconvincingly) and a fried egg and chips

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Sounds nicer that what we are having! Why are two having breakfast and one having a salad?

PIERCED BASIL finds the audience member, headbutts him, drags him to the door and throws him onto the road.

PIERCED BASIL: Anyone else?

CONCERNED SYBIL: Erm...stop talking about Brexit, Basil?

PIERCED BASIL: Right...erm...

BREXIT GUEST 1: Will you stop talking about Brexit!

PIERCED BASIL: Me! You started it!

BREXIT GUEST: No we did not!

PIERCED BASIL: Yes you did! You campaigned against the result of the 2016 referendum!

Glebe

IT COULD NEVER LOOK LIKE BASIL: Manuel, where are you? Oh never mind... Uncle Albert, could you serve the gravy, please!

NOT UNCLE ALBERT: Owight Mistah Fowlty, bah oi seem to 'ave mixed dah Bisto app wiv dah Maxwell 'ouse! It's dah red labuls!

AUDIENCE: Chuckle!

IT COULD NEVER LOOK LIKE BASIL: Ah look fuck this it's shite, bye.

Ferris

Squashed Del: not even gonna bother fuck this

Banjaxed Manuel: that it is, Squashed Del of the three-wheeled van, that it is

Glebe

UNLIKE DEL: I always had to play the tough Del; I didn't want to, I had to!

DOES NOT LOOK LIKE FAWLTY: Not now, mate. Not now.

Glebe

UNCONVINCING UNCLE ALBERT: Durin' dah woah... not the Korean War, Basil, WWII... we goh trapped on an oiland wiv Captain Kenworthy!

IT IS NOT BARMAN MIKE: Haha, ridiculous!

UNCONVINCING UNCLE ALBERT: Oi'm talking about heroes, Moike! David Bowie's classic album Heroes to be precoise!

DOES NOT RESEMBLE RODNEY (singing): David Bowie LPs...

SHE DOES NOT LOOK LIKE SYBIL: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, and don't forget to enter our raffle in which we have a selection of David Bowie albums which we found in a car boot sale near here up for grabs! Uncle Albert will be going round selling tickets later!

BEING TALL DOES NOT MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE JOHN CLEESE: Yes, Sybil, and as a special bonus, we have some albums by that '90s indie band, what where they called...?

DOES NOT RESEMBLE RODNEY (singing): BUSH BUSH BUSH BUSH BUSH BUSH BUSH!


Glebe

THIS IS NOT FAWLTY: If you'll just excuse me diners, I just need to attend to these people at the desk!

RANDY BLOKE IMPERSONATOR: Hello, can we have a double bed, please?

THIS IS NOT FAWLTY: But you pair aren't married!

SAUCY WOMAN IMPERSONATOR: Get with the times, you old stick in the mud!

AUDIENCE: HAHAHAH!

NOT MANUEL: Mr. Fawlty, I get drunk for my birthday, I jump on you!

IT IS NOT BASIL: Careful not to break the Fourth Wall, Randy Bloke!

RANDY BLOKE IMPERSONATOR: What, are they filming this experience?

IT IS NOT BASIL: Er... never mind. Anyway, you can't stay here!

SAUCY WOMAN IMPERSONATOR: Oh go on... we just want a dirty weekend of rumpy-pumpy!

IT ISN'T SYBIL: Ladies and gentlemen, as many of you may remember, that's what the '70s was like!

RANDY BLOKE IMPERSONATOR: Nod 'alf! We were all at it!

The entire cast do the conga around the tables to the sound of Mungo Jerry's 'In the Summertime'!


DangledTeeth

Man Impersonating a Copper: ooh-arrrr, surrrr. You gen'leman garn fizhing furrr the weekend?

Shit Grandad: No salmon. Nuffink illegal.

Third-hand Del: Tiddlers.

Man Impersonating a Copper: Oi muzt waarn you that ten yearrrz ago thiz very noight, a lunatic killed a par'y of fishurrmen, and now he'z escaped the criminal insane asylum for those with a psychotic disregaaard forrrr law an' orderrrr. Well, you have a lovely weekend. Goodnight.

Third-hand Del: Daon't warry, Grended and Rodders, ar'll look aftah ya!

Diner: Why have they done this bit indoors?

Third-hand Del: Ah-shh-shzz-shh! We're on the next scene.

Fork and Plate: Tink!

Compost Basil: Ah, welcome to Fawlty Towers. We currently have a room with three beds, I hope you don't mind sharing a double.

Third-hand Del: That's alright, John.

Compost Basil (Stern whisper): 's Basil, nt Jhn!

Third-hand Del: Rodders, you're sleeping with Grandad tonight, and I don't wanna 'ear you complaining out yer arse about it, son. AwwrIIiIiI' Rodney?! Where's that stickstick gone to?

Cunted Rodney looks out the bar window and sees an inadequate Spaniard pressed against the glass

Cunted Rodney: Deh-yel! There is a Manuel at the window!

Third-hand Del: Greatness! I'm nipping outside forra piss, even though this hotel has toilets.

Third-hand Del opens the door into Manuel's face

Third-hand Del: RODNEY! GRANDAD! BRING SOME ROPE!

Compost Basil: Is this some kind of joke!? This is no wandering loophead of killings! This is our waiter from Barcelona. And you shouldn't have hit like that... you should've hit him like this.

Compost Basil taps a spoon on Manuel's head

Diner: I'm not satisfied.

Compost Basil: Cunts like you never are.

Diner 2: You're the rudest man I've ever met.

Compost Basil: Well, I suppose. After all, I did address you all as 'cunts'. Let's see who else is satisfied. (Calling) Oh, Mother Johnson. Come out, come out wherever you are.

Rian Johnson: Yes, I am satisfied.

Mr Hamillton: I'm not satisfied. You've got an overpowered woman who's barely trained and acts vengefully towards her opposition with hatred; a grumpy old stalwart who gave up; a film that's bloated with two underwhelming side stories. Can't you see what an averagely passable addition to the much-loved sci-fi franchise this is?



Missile Major: NoooOoOOoOooOoOO. I won't have that! There's Alien Resurrection.

Mr Hamillton: Satisfied Star Wars fans, huh? Har-har-har. Huttdog!

Compost Basil: This. Is. Typical. Ab-so-lute-ly typical!

Diners: This isn't typical. I usually have a steaming hot dinner, not cold food poisoning.

Ferris


Glebe

NOT BASIL FAWLTY: How long will that rat poison you put into the dining experience guests' food take to work, Terrah?

KARL HOWMAN: That stuff, two minutes!

DINING EXPERIENCE POLLY: Hang on, you're Karl Howman from Brush Strokes and them Flash ads and you were also in EastEnders for a bit!

KARL HOWMAN: Yeah, I've been a bit hard up lately and a mate said I bore a very vague resemblance to Brian Hall who played Terry, Dining Experience Pol! And funnily enough, I was actually in The Long Good Friday with Hall!

NOT BASIL FAWLTY: Really?!

KARL HOWMAN: Yeah, honest, Not Mr. Fawlty!

The End!


DangledTeeth

Cap Grandad: Who's that at the door, Rodney?

Ukrainian Rodney: I haven't a clue, Grandfather.

Cap Grandad: Perhaps someone ought to see who it is.

Ukrainian Rodney: Alright, I'll answer the door... (mumbling) lazy old cosmic shit'ead.

Ukrainian Rodney opens a prop door to the sight of concussed Basil



Concussed Basil: Ah, there you are.

Ukrainian Rodney: Eh?

Concussed Basil: Don't mention the Trotters. I said it once, but I think I got away with it.

Ukrainian Rodney: And what makes you think the Trotters live here with our surname written under the bell?

Cap Grandad appears

Cap Grandad: John?!

Concussed Basil: I think it's disgusting that you haven't shaved.

Ukrainian Rodney: Know each other, do you?

Cap Grandad: Oh, where are my manners? John, this is Rodney. And Rodney, I'd like you to meet... John Cleese.

Chubby Del strides in, strumming an out-of-tune banjo

Chubby Del: JACKANORY! JACKANORY! KNEES AHP MAVVA BRAAHN!

Diner: Inaccurate and downright silly. Money back now.

Diner 2: Yeah! The terribly exaggerated Uncle Albert impersonator is supposed to play the banjo as he belts out a Cockney classic.

petril

Macacque Del has turned the gig down for something more lucrative ofc

Glebe

KARL HOWMAN: Oi'll stort preparin' them Waldorf saluds foh dah doining expehwience doiners!

NOT BASIL FAWLTY: Are you really Karl Howman who played Jacko in Brush Strokes?

KARL HOWMAN: Yeah, loike oi said, oi'm 'ard at dah moment, scout's honour Not Mr. Fawlty!


Glebe

Quote from: DangledTeeth on November 10, 2019, 04:18:28 PMChubby Del: JACKANORY! JACKANORY! KNEES AHP MAVVA BRAAHN!

Heh! Also, 'Cap Grandad'!

***

THIS CANNOT BE MIKE: Hello everyone, I'm Mike Fisher, the new barman of the lounge here at Fawlty Towers! Oh good evening, Uncle Albert, fancy a rum?

UNLIKE UNCLE ALBERT: Yah, Moike, make it a lorge wan! Nah, let me tell yoo anovvah story about Captain Kenworthy! We woz stranded on anovvah desort oiland-

THIS CANNOT BE MIKE: Oh no! Not another shaggy dog story!

UNLIKE UNCLE ALBERT: Dahn't be fakeecous, Moicheal! Oi'm talkin' abaht heroes!

THE MAJOR IMPERSONATOR: Bah Jove! I remember you! Bloody navy deserter!

IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE BASIL: Put the gun down, Major!

DINER: Ha ha, I must say, this is an excellent melding of Fawlty and Fools!

IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE BASIL: No, the actor really thinks he remembers the Uncle Albert guy in real life! He's gone mad - he's going to shoot him!

IT'S NOT SYBIL: We really should vet members of our dining experience cast!

NOT MANUEL: Gary! Gary!


DangledTeeth

Bombsite Del: Hello there, aunty. I bet you're surprised to see us.

Handlebar Basil is stunned

Bombsite Del: G'on, Rodders, whack the tellybox on. We'll watch the racing.

Diners: Ha ha ha ha!

Handlebar Basil: Can I ask you something?

Bombsite Del: Nie rozumiem, as they say in the Alps. Y'know, fire at will, sir...

Handlebar Basil: Who the fuck are you?

Clunky Rodney: You mean... we've booked into your hotel, 'ad a bath each, ate your waldorf salad, and you don't know who we are.

Handlebar Basil: Well, I didn't like to ask, because you seem to know me.

Bombsite Del: You said we could stay with you anytime.

Handlebar Basil: When was this?

Bucket Grandad: Nineteen for'y-eight.

Handlebar Basil: Nineteen forty-eight!? I've been hyere in business since 1965.

Bombsite Del: You remember, you were at my Mum's wedding.

Handlebar Basil: I don't recall seeing you.

Bombsite Del: Naoh, of course not. I was a shrimp ahp 'er clunge. It was at St. Knees Up Mother Brown church, in Peckham.

Handlebar Basil: Peckham?! I've never heard of the working-class helldump located in south London in all my life. Funny you should mention it, though, because the previous owner of these premises was from Peckham.

Bombsite Del: Aun' Raose has moved!

Clunky Rodney: Who the pissing fuck is this, then?

Bombsite Del: Cunt knows!

Handlebar Basil: Mrs Richards? Married a Jamaican hyearing aid?

Clunky Rodney and Bombsite Del: Er, yeah.

Handlebar Basil: Ohhhh, but you don't look very...

Clunky Rodney: We are related.

Handlebar Basil: Would you like some apple and puppet rat pie?

Bombsite Del: That'll be lovely, Aunty Basil.

Diner: Didn't meet my expectations. The meal was completely shit!


Glebe

POSH WOMAN IMPOSTOR: What are you doing?

IT ISN'T BASIL: Just having a little rummage in your handbag, lady!

POSH MAN IMPOSTOR: You know wot mate you're really getting my goosey gander up, you dirty old maaan! I've a good mind to give you a punch of fists!

NOT POLLY: Oh, la-di-da! Did you see Annie Hall?

POSH MAN IMPOSTOR: Got-any-who? Nah... have you seen Only Fools and Horses?

POSH WOMAN IMPOSTOR: That won't start for another couple of years!

POSH MAN IMPOSTOR: Nah mate this is a 2019 dining experience! And yes, I have seen Annie Hall, but I'll never watch it again, can't separate the art from the artist!

NOT POL: La-di-da!

AMERICAN?/CANADIAN? DINER: What a buncha crap!


DangledTeeth

#53
Dolby Del: Why 'ave you sat alongside me?

Diner: I was here first, 'Del'. Giggly-giggle.

Dolby Del: Plonkers Bennett! Sorry, ma'e, you look a bit like Boycie. Speaking of whomedly, I'll sit next to 'im. Jubbly lovely.

Dolby Del is now seated beside Hi-tec Boycie

Dolby Del: Naow Boycie, why's yer arse parked adjacent to mine?

Hi-tec Boycie: Arnie's meeting Mr Stavros, you forgetful sod-snack.

Dolby Del: Ar know thaAAAAaat. It's just... the white-haired woman opposite us might think we're a coupla noofters.

Hi-Tec Boycie: I could not give a termite's hemorrhoid if the observing bint thinks we're in a blissful relationship. We've got 16k-worth of gold swingers inside Arnie Jones' briefcase yonder occupied table. I'm most cer'ainly keeping my oculars on Arnold in case - sorry about the pun - it goes tit-shaped.

A waiter grovels alongside Arnie

Italian Manuel: What would-a you like to order?

Tefal Arnie: Co-op meatballs, potato croquettes from Iceland and Tesco Value garden peas with Londis economy gravy, please.

Italian Manuel: Anything else, sir?

Tefal Arnie: Yes, and one ambulance. I feel rather hot.

Italian Manuel: That'sa the barely adequate meal for these-a paying mugs, and... OH! (Calling) Telephono ambulancio immediateletti.

Tefal Arnie keels over as he grips the tablecloth

Dolby Del: Scunthorpe de posh! Arnie's had a Lazenby.

Hi-tec Boycie: He's got our loot!

Dolby Del: Wha' are we gonna do? It's 'andcuffed to his flamin' wrist.

Hi-tec Boycie coolly approaches Arnie who's surrounded by a small group of actors

Hi-tec Boycie: No need to concern yerselves. Oi yam a vet, not as in a war hero. Stand aside, proletariat. Let the rabbit crunch the carrot.

Dolby Del (Muttered): Wha' is 'e doing!?

Hi-tec Boycie crouches alongside a downed Arnie and feels his arm

Hi-tec Boycie: Oah. Yes. Very naawstey. He will need to wear a flea collar after he's been neutered.

Hi-tec Boycie fiddles with the handcuff

White-haired Woman: He's not a veterinarian. He's attempting to steal the briefcase from the poor cunt.

Man: You!

The man throws an amateur punch at Boycie and knocks him into a table

Nestle Albert addresses the diners

Nestle Albert: Do yoo ge' the impreshun all is no' gaoing akawdin tah plaahn?!

Diner: Yes. My meal was supposed to be ready twenty minutes ago.

Patchy Beard Albert: It'll be wiv yah soon, sahn. You continue watchin' the live episaode, shipmate.

Italian Manuel: I call-a the police, madam.

Dolby Del: There will be no need...

Dolby Del borrows a driving license from a diner and rapidly waves it around

Dolby Del: I am an officer of the law.

White-haired Woman: But you were seated next to thief splinters. You two know each other.

Dolby Del: Well erm, I'm an undercover officer who specialises in investigating kraptomaniacs. Now if you'll excuse me...



Dolby Del: You're fucking nicked, me old beauty!

Hi-tec: Wha' are you playin' at?!

Dolby Del: Just play along.

Dolby Del arm-bars Hi-tec Boycie out of the Jury's Inn

Dolby Del: Quick! The paramedics took 'im



Dolby Del: Ahh, the fucking ambulance has driven away. Come on, consortium, let's bundle into the van.

Kodak Rodney speeds off

Dolby Del: Youuuu 24-carat wankpiece, Rodney! You really are!

Allied Dunbar Mike: My car's being clamped.

Hi-tec Boycie: Let's use Basil's car.

Heinz Basil: Spiffing idea.

Car Engine: Vrr-ynk-nhnk-nhnk-nhnk!

Heinz Basil: Start! You insipid assembly of clattering fuck!

Heinz Basil sternly points at his car

Heinz Basil: I FUCKING TOLD YOU OFF ONCE BEFORE! REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE PARKED OUTSIDE THE SAINSBURY'S IN TRURO? WELL, I CERTAINLY HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN THE SHITS YOU GAVE ME AFTER THOSE CHICKEN FILLETS WENT OFF BECAUSE YOUR TWATTED-UP ENGINE WAS HAVING A NEEDLESS SNOOZE. TWENTY-THREE MINUTES I WAITED FOR A MECHANIC TO ARRIVE THEN SERVICE YOUR FUCKING INTERNALS. DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU! I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A DAMN GOOD THRASHING!

Heinz Basil strikes his car's bonnet with a branch

German Diner: However didt they vwin?

Suddenly, an ambulance reverses into the dining hall

Tefal Arnold: Ahhndah theenk to maselllf... wwuurghlla wundehfoll worrrl'



Tefal Arnold: Erm, n-now let's not be hasty, fellas.

Heinz Basil: BASTARD!

Dolby Del: Dr Gladstone, could you furnish me with the appropriate surgical utensil?

Nestle Albert: 'ere ya are, Del.

Tefal Arnold: There's no need to use the bolt-cutters on the chain.

Dolby Del: Who said I was gonna snip the links?! Table six wants their sausage and mash. Now, the mash pota'ah is all cushty an' above board, but we are somewhat short on the old sausage front, pal.

Heinz Boycie: I've just received a Whatsapp notification to say the chef has located a packet of Herta hotdogs in the cupboard.

Diner: Errgh! Just gimme a severed dick instead, mate.

Fambo Number Mive

MOUSTACHED RODNEY: Shut up everyone! Just to say that Graham has got food poisioning so instead of Only Fools and Towers: Peckham meets Devon, we will be singing a selection of cockney songs and doing a couple of scenes from Fawlty Towers which don't need Basil. A bucket will be passed around for Graham's get well soon card.

DINER: Oh well, I've never seen either of the shows anyway, so this is probably a better option.

SECOND DINER: Perhaps Graham might like the bucket.

MOUSTCHED RODNEY: I do the jokes here, you pleb.

Glebe

THE FOOLSTY TOWERS CATERING EXPERIENCE PRESENTS: WHO'S A PRETTY THE BUILDERS, THEN?



VAGUELY RESEMBLES BRENDAN O' SHAUGHNESSY: Me an da boys has just come down from that London, where we ruined Denzil and Corrine's flat so Del, Rodney and Granddad will have to kill the budgie! We're here to put a wall over the door and just generally do a bad job, so we are!

AIN'T LOOKIN' LIKE MANUEL: Mr. Fawlty just ring, I say you are stupid Irish bastard!

DINER: Yeah, facking thick oirish!

VAGUELY RESEMBLES BRENDAN O' SHAUGHNESSY: Take that, yeh feckin' dago!

AIN'T LOOKIN' LIKE MANUEL: Fuck sake mate, you're not meant to actually punch me!

After a quick set change.

MR. FAWLTY'S REPLACEMENT: Well, it's the next day and myself and Sybil are back from our break! Oh no - Polly slept and the door is gone! Better call O' Reilly to fix this mess!

DOES NOT RESEMBLE O' REILLY: Here I am, Mr. Fawlty! Now if we all just relax and have a nice cuppa tae...

MR. FAWLTY'S REPLACEMENT: Quick, Sybil's coming - hide in the bar, Irishman!

DINER: Haha, they all like their drink, the Irish!

NOT SYBIL: No fucking door? Right, were is he, Basil?

DOES NOT RESEMBLE O' REILLY: Oh hello Mrs. Fawlty, just went into the bar for a nice glass of the Guinness! Might have a whiskey chaser to follow... I like a woman who runs a hotel with a bar stocked with spirits! Oi do, oi do!

NOT SYBIL: Oh do you now, you fucking Irish idiot?

DINER: Yes, facking pikies!

NOT SYBIL: Take that! And that!

DOES NOT RESEMBLE O' REILLY: Fuck's sake, there's too much padding in that umbrella, fucking hurts!

REAL BUILDER: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid the actual hotel you are dining in recently had a dodgy makeover... there's wooden supports now and it is dangerous. Please would all diners leave in an orderly fashion.

DINER: Bet it was real Irish builders, ironically!


Glebe

FOOLSTY TOWERS CATERING THING PRESENTS: THE PRUSSIANS ARE COMING!

THIS AIN'T BAZ: Hello everyone, just back from visiting AMATEUR ACTRESS DOES SYBIL in the hospital having her toe removed! Now it's time for the fire alarm!

DINER: Oh yeah, I remember this one!

THIS AIN'T BAZ: No really the hotel is having a fire alarm and you'll all have to leave!

LATER:

THIS AIN'T BAZ: Hello again everyone, sorry for the delay... here I am in hospital m'self, the moose fell on me head and I got hit with a frying pan and everything!

IMPRESSIONISTIC UNCLE ALBERT: Oi'm 'ere too, havin' ate sam dog pills! They dan everyfing to me... been poked and prodded, lucostrips, glugpods, had Bob Ross paintin' on me stamach... you name it, they did it!

NOT DEL BOY: An' oi'm 'ere an' all, wiv me IBS!

THIS AIN'T BAZ: Just going to sneak out the hospital now!



THIS AIN'T BAZ: Here I am back at the hotel, bandaged and mad!

NOT DEL BOY: Cam on Rodney and Graaanddad, let's get this lead air raid shelter we fand on dah building site ap in dah lobby! Dah Prassians iz camin'!

THIS AIN'T BAZ: Right now, you Prussians... I won't mention the war, but what do you want for din-dins, the war?

FAKE PRUSSIAN MAN #1: VAT DO YOU RECOMMEND, ENGLISH SWINE?

THIS AIN'T BAZ: There's some 'veally good' good hors d'oeuvres!

FAKE PRUSSIAN MAN #1: ZAT IZ NOT FANNY!

AMATEUR ANNA: I have the craving for the Japanese veal since I am pregnant!

THIS AIN'T BAZ: Ah, veal's off, I'm afraid! ORDERS MUST BE OBEYED! SCHNELL, SCHNELL, ACHTUNG, ACHTUNG!

FAKE PRUSSIAN MAN #2: STOP IT! YOU ARE UPSETTING ANNA!

THIS AIN'T BAZ: Vorsprung durch technik! I'll cheer her up with the Silly Walk, the stupid bint!

AMATEUR ANNA: Del! Me baby is coming!

NOT DEL: Deep breaths, Anna!

FAKE PRUSSIAN MAN #1: HOW DID UNCLE ALBERT EVER WIN ZEH WAR?!?

NOT MAJOR GOWAN: Naughty moose!


Glebe

FOOLSTY TOWERS: LITTLE COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS!

SHE IS PLAYING THE HEARING AID WOMAN: Hello, I am having a priceless Ming vase I bought off a market trader in Peckham delivered today, please see to it that it is not broken!

NOT BASIL, SURELY?: Okay.

SHE IS PLAYING THE HEARING AID WOMAN: What was that?!

NOT BASIL, SURELY?:  I said OKA- OH FUCK OFF!

POLLY PARROT: Here's the money you won on the gee-gees, Mr. F.

NOT BASIL, SURELY?: Thanks Polly, think I'll pop into the bar to celebrate!



JOHN NETTLES: 'allo, Basil!

NOT BASIL, SURELY?: The Driscoll Brothers!

DINER: It's John Nettles!

JOHN NETTLES: Yes, the work kind of dried up after Bergerac and Midsomer Murders, I'm having to play Danny Driscoll in this dining experience shite. Anyway... me and Tony came out west to visit Boycie, thought we'd drop down to Torquay to collect some money you owed us!

LOOKS SURPRISINGLY LIKE CHRISTOPER RYAN: Yeah... hahahahahahahahaha!

NOT BASIL, SURELY?: Here you go lads, have me horse winnings!

JOHN NETTLES: Good... now I want to buy the Major a drink. Here's 50p!

NOT BASIL, SURELY? (to dining experience diners): That was a surprising amount in 1970s money!

DINERS: Heh!

LOOKS SURPRISINGLY LIKE CHRISTOPER RYAN: But hang on, isn't it supposed to be the noughties since you mentioned visiting Boycie in Shropshire, Danny?

NOT MICKEY PEARCE: I've got a few 'naughties' on video if yah wont, mate!

NOT BASIL, SURELY?: Er... anyway, that hearing aid woman is at reception, better go!

SHE IS PLAYING THE HEARING AID WOMAN: Send up some bog rolls, you stupid girl!

POLLY PARROT: Fuck off. Oh, here's the man with your priceless Ming vase.

NOT BASIL, SURELY? accidentally runs into the man delivering the vase and it smashes on the floor.

NOT BASIL, SURELY?: Oh bollocks!

HE IS NOT LIKE DEL BOY: Not to warry, oi jast happened tah be dahn here checking out this hotel feh Rodney and Cassandra's wedding reception, oi goh a load more proiceless Ming vases in dah van! Plas a job lot of sacred Indian ornaments if yah wont 'em"!


Glebe

FOOLSTY TOWERS: A TOUCH OF CLASS GLASS!



DURN'T RESEMBLE BASIL: (on phone): Do me wall, O' Reilly!

HE PLAYS THE POSHO: Hello, I am Lord Henry Ridgemere, the Duke of Melbury... I wonder if you might put that phone down and stop talking to that plebish oik and attend to me, please?!

DURN'T RESEMBLE BASIL: (down phone) FUCK OFF IMMEDIATELY! (to POSHO) Why certainly, Duke Mohair, at wance!

HE PLAYS THE POSHO: I want a room with all the trimmin's on the instant!

DURN'T RESEMBLE BASIL: El naturalment, mate! Here, let me put your case in the safe... cor, it's heavy as two bricks!

HE PLAYS DEL BOY: Alright Mr. F, me and Rodders and Graaanddad are 'ere to put up y'chandelier! We can do out y'kitchen in tunnel paint too, if yah loike!

HE PLAYS RODDERS: Oh hello Lord Mayall, I'll be going to the opera wiv yah daughter later!

HE PLAYS DEL BOY: Yeah, me an' Junie is goin' an' all!

DINERS: This is the most confusing one yet, Glebe.

LATER:

HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE GRANDDAD: Vis is firsty work, Del Boy! Let's gaw into the lounge for a drink!

HE PLAYS DEL BOY: Owight Graaaddad, gow an give Mr. Fawlty the order!

HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE GRANDDAD: Piña colarder, a lager top an' a pint a Magnus Mackesons, please!

HE IS DOING ROY SLATER: DCI Roy Slater, I'm here to arrest this fake Melbury!

EVERYONE: SLATER!

HE PLAYS THE POSHO: It's a fair cop!

HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE GRANDDAD: OI SAID A PIÑA COLARDER, A LAGER TOP AN' A PINT A MAGNUS MACKESONS, PLEASE!

DURN'T RESEMBLE BASIL: RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT!

BAZ shoves GRAAANDDAD into the bar and fetches the drinks!


DangledTeeth

#59
Great posts & pics above.

----

Christopher Biggins Soundalike: FOO-WOOLSSSSTY TOW-WAAHS DINING EXPERIENCCCCE! Reserve a table for you, a friend or a relative for the grrrreatest evening evawwww. Dine with us while comedy legends Del Boy, Rodney and Uncle Albert immerse themselves in the fictional world inhabiting the world-renowned Torquay hotel, Fawlty Towerssss. Today's mega diningsode iiiis: The Jolly Boys' Faulty Outing.

Ext. Premier Inn

Half-beard Albert: Ar sailed acraws the Ahlan'ic, yah. Goh ahp ta sahm righ' capers on HMS Knees Up Mother Brown. Ar once sho' daown a Spi'fire wiv the vessel's cannon. BEAANG! Dahn ih wen' into the sal'y drink. Awv cawse, yer didn't 'ave 'ealth an' safety in thems days, sahn. A cannon was a cannon, nahn of this bubble-wrapped fibreglass rabbish they got nar. They 'ad no safespaces in my day, shipma'e. Maybe one day you can join the army and risk gettin' PTSD fer yer trahbles. Then again, maybe noh.

Half-beard Albert peers into a buggy with a doll inside then wags his head

Diner: Erm, I can't hear him through the triple-glazing.

Diner 2: Yeah, same for me.

Diner 3: Me neither. But I'd make a guess that he's referencing things which are too contemporary for 1989, which was when the episode was broadcast.


Int. Premier Inn Hall

Goatee Rodney is sat at a table with a laptop

Hair Alan: Rodney, have you got those printing orders typed up?

Goatee Rodney: Shouldn't be long, Alan.

Hair Alan: I'm looking forward to dinner and Trivial Pursuit around your flat, but I don't want to see my daughter dressed in the lingerie you bought her as a present.

Goatee Rodney: Fuck! I've invi'ed Del. I couldn't say no. It's an episode of Only Fools and Horses.

Hair Alan: I doubt she'd like workin' with that yuppy shit anyway.

Ginger Diner: Excuse me, Rodney.

Goatee Rodney looks to his right

Goatee Rodney: Oh! You mean me, the HeadoftheComputerSection.

Giner Diner: The leek and potato soup with a plain roll - it's on my table now.

Goatee Rodney: Well of course it fucking is! (To Alan) They don't know what the starter is.

Ginger Diner: I ordered tomato soup without a plain roll.

Christopher Biggins Soundalike: Ohhh, how extraordinarily funny. The entertainment and laughter shall resume...

Scar Del: Fabrique Belgique!

Greek Stephen: Erm, yes... I'm playing baseball tomorrow.

Scar Del: Oh, I love a bit of the old bat and ball. Traditional English spor', right after didgeridoo Olympics.

Del chuckles proudly to himself

Scar Del: What's with their oven gloves?

Greek Stephen: I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Scar Del: They wear them big mitt things. Does the ball get too hot when it's whacked across the grass?

Greek Stephen: It's to ensure they catch the ball safely and without hurtful impact.

Goatee Rodney: Who's your favourite, Stephen?

Greek Stephen: Oh, I'm quite a big fan of Strawberry.

Goatee Rodney (Ironically): Wha' about you, Del?

Scar Del: Oh, I like Strawberry an' all.

Greek Stephen: Really?

Scar Del: Oh yeah. But I don't think it's right for that particular sporting venue.

Greek Stephen: Excuse me!? What?!

Scar Del: Put a bit cream on 'em, savour a mouthful at the Wimbledon final. Lovely Jubbly!

Goatee Rodney: Del, Stephen doesn't mean the fruit strawberry. He means Darryl.

Greek Stephen: I do-on't.

Diner: What the fuck's going on with this scene?!?!

Diner 28: Yeah! The 'I don't' response originates from the doctor in Homesick.

Scar Del: Oh... ah-ahem. Yeah. (Rolls his neck) Guys like me and Stephen enjoy baseball.

Greek Stephen: How do you mean 'guys like me and SSSStephen'?

Scar Del: Well, y'know, yardies.

Diner 4: No, that's wrong. The first, fifth, sixth and seventh letters are correct.

Scar Del nods nervously at the diner

Greek Stephen: How do you mean 'Guys like me and SSSStephen'?

Scar Del: Well, y'know, cockneys.

The enter cast bow their heads

Diner 4: I give in.

Christo Bigones: Oh, that was cosmic! Enjoy your 5-star dinner as the comical characters engage in a challenging game of Trivial Purssssuit.

The Real Wanda Ventham: Would you like a drink, Del?

Scar Del: Bourbon Whiskey for me, please.

The Real Wanda Ventham: Jack Daniels?

Scar Del: Yeah, I suppose he'd want one an' all.

Greek Stephen: Well... are you going to allow one to intellectually fuck you up at Trivial Pursssssuit?

Scar Del: Travel Persia - my favouri'e game. Cushty bushty! (Quietly, to Rodney) How the fuck do you play this shit?

Goatee Rodney: It's er, a game which requires knowledge about a variety of subjects.

Hair Alan: Yeah, it can be quite difficult.

Scar Del: Don't worry, I'll 'elp you pair of twonky titheads out. Gah, dear, you two probably think the capital of Australia is Canberra. Her-hah-hah.

Goatee Rodney: It is.

Scar Del: See, Rodders, you're learning from the master.

Hair Alan: No, Del. Rodney wasn't reacting with surprise. It is the capital of Australia.

Scar Del appears dumbfounded

Scar Del: Oh... course it is. Hah-hah-hah. Nah, I'm always mixing it up with Austria. Because that's the capital of Viennazuela.

Scar Del coolly puffs a cigar as Goatee Rodney and Hair Alan exchange concerned expressions

Greek Stephen reads aloud from a card

Greek Stephen: Eoh, gawd. It's soooo simple - what I said isn't printed on the card, by the way. What is a female swan called?

Scar Del: Anything the feathery mare bleedin' well likes.

Goatee Rodney: No. He doesn't mean, y'knah, a birth name or anything.

Scar Del: Oh-hoahhhhh, it's thaaht sorta 'called', as in a term.

Goatee Rodney: Yes.

Scar Del: I mean, w'yeah, I knew thaa-aat. But it coulda been something else.

Scar Del is lost in thought

Greek Stephen: You don't know!?

Scar Del: Nah, nah, I do, it's just... lodged in the back of me 'ead gum. Erm...

Half-beard Albert: Three leh-ahs.

Greek Stephen: Hey, come on, there's nothing in the rules about cheating.

Half-beard Albert: It dazn't explici'ly say you can't chea', either. HOO-UYR-EEH-HYUH!

Goatee Rodney surreptitiously rattles a pen against his teeth

Scar Del glances at Goatee Rodney

Scar Del: Ahh, got it! It's a biro.

Diner: Jesus! Albert said three letters. Kinda funny, I suppose.

Chris Biggins Voiceover but It Isn't Actually Him Voiceover Voiceover (V/O): Enjoy the main course while our trained actors re-enact the classic coach journey.

All the 'actors' hold a toy coach at waist height as they spout their lines

Stereo: WHY DON'T WE DO IT IN THE ROAD

Diner: Correct band. Wrong track.

Stovepipe Hat Mickey leans over to a sleeping Half-beard Albert

Stovepipe Hat Mickey: WHY DON'T WE DOOOOO. IT. INNNN. THE. ROAAAAAD!

Half-beard Albert: Caht yer racket aht, you noisy lih-ul cahnt.

Scar Del: Den-zeal, moy sahn, don't pop the smiley pills. You're too old for that acid mouse cobblers.

Asian Denzil: I am not preparing myself for a rave. I have got an ear infectionnnnn of the ears.

Scar Del: Oh yeah? Mike has a bell to sort it aht fer ya.

Goatee Rodney: Del Boy, mate brother, the Wetherspoons is located yonder.

Scar Del: Fucking Jubbly, son!

The actor playing Basil: Once you have finished your starters, could you all assemble in the foyer, where we shall cross the street and enter the pub house for refreshing refreshment drinks of alcohol or non-alcoholic vodka to enhance the authentic Foolsty experience. Thank you so much. Don't mention the Jagerbombs.

Int. Wetherspoons

Serbian Sid: I escaped the POW camp on a boat - fast fucker, it was. Then HMS Knees Up Mother Brown carelessly sailed in to our path and consequently decima'ed our boat.

Half-beard Albert: Erm... fancy anatha wan, Sid?

Serbian Sid: Yeah, okay.

Half-beard Albert: I'll get ya the all-day breakfust, sahn. Nice glass of Blue Moon ta gao wiv ih. Think I'll 'ave the gourmet 'otdog and a droppa rarm just ta warm me cockles.

Serbian Sid: Cheers, Albert. Very kind of you.

Diner: Not very 1989.

Scar Del sips a pint of Fosters with a miniature umbrella bobbing in the drink

Scar Del: Alriigh', eh? This time next year we shall be conseedeeblee reechah THAN YAOW!

Diner 2: I think he's a bit pissed. And that's a line off Harry Enfield and Chums.

Diner 3: Well, the driver's called 'Harry' at least. Bit of a tenuous connection but there you go.

Pot Belly Boycie: Mawlayne! Haah-ah-ah-eeh-ah.

Inuit Trigger: Has anyone seen my dolphin?

Diner 2: Not yet.

Christopher Biggins Soundalike: BuuUuUrp. Ooooh, 'scuse me. Thhat was a chremendous amount of mmirth. An' now we are bback on the c-coach an' speedin' away to MMurgte - I mean TTTorkway. I dunno. 'oo splashed wwater on my cchrousers? Wuzzet yoooou?! 'cos if you thhink I didn't shake myself prop'ly at the urinal, I fffuckin' well did, good sir!


Int. Premier Inn

Man with a needless harmonica: *HhhWWEe-EeE-HWoONK-HHhHUUUu* Everybody's talkin' at me *HwUulLly-HeEeEeE* I can't hear a word they're saying.

Scar Del: Well, you've all gone on some rollercoastery rota'ing thing while I 'ad my big bag of chips and enormous ice cream. Let's go back 'ome.

Scar Del attaches a piece of white wool on the front of a toy coach

Scar Del: Gordon Bollocks! This radio is about to blow up

Stereo: HELP! I NEED SOMEBODY! HELP! NOT JUST ANYBODY!

The receptionist lights an indoor firework alongside the model coach

Scar Del: Daon't worry, Harry. I won't tell y-

POP-PRK-PRK-PAHP-PAHP!

Goatee Rodney: Cassandra, I've gotta go. The coach has fireballed and the lads want a kick-about with a football

Scar Del: Bonnet de drachma! Anything else gonna go wrong? Rodneeeey!

Goatee Rodney turns around

Scar Del: There's a fucking burnin' coach over there. Give me that ball!

Goatee Rodney: Gary Lineker? Bollock it anywhere!

Goatee Rodney volleys a football into the face of a diner and it rebounds into a bowl of soup

Diner: I'm an off-duty policeman. You're coming with me, sir.

Goatee Rodney: Naah, I just threw the ball to my brother.

Scar Del: Yes, he threw the ball... into the air an' blasted it into your boat.

Diner: You can tell me all about it down at the station.

Goatee Rodney: Oh, fuck! This is serious!

Diner: Ha ha. Only joking. And weren't you supposed to do the football bit before the insipid explosion?

Hair Alan: Speaking of a station, there's no trains running because it's Bank Holiday and the regular bus service starts at 7am, so the situstation is this, gentleman, the replacement coach won't be here until tomorrow, therefore we'll have to find somewhere to stay.

Inuit Trigger: It sounds like you're suggesting we ought to book into a hotel. SO WHA' ARE YOU SAYIN'?

Hair Alan: Yes, hotel. I doubt there are loads of vacancies.

Scar Del: Think we'll stretch our legs.

Half-beard Albert: Joorin-nuh-waw I used to walk arahnd.

Stovepipe Hat Mickey: We've 'ad enuff of your stoopid stories for one day, Albert.

Scar Del: Oi! Oi! He's a war 'ero. He's got a right to speak

Half-beard Albert: I fough' for free sp-

Scar Del: Close your oral flappers, you irredeemable dongwagon.

Potty Belly Boycie: Aoh, erm, Michael, Alan and I are going to have a stroll down by the sea.

Inuit Trigger: Yes... myself and my wonderful KISS ME QUICK hat and inflatable dolphin are going to walk backwards and forwards.

Actor who plays Basil: Ladies and Gentlemen, we're going to have a short interval. We need to make a couple of adjustments with the layout here. Could you please order a drink at the Wetherspoons and return in half an hour. Thank you so much.


Int. Premier Inn Hall

Half of the dining hall has been converted into a superbly recreated set of the Fawlty Towers reception

Scar Del: That ominous thunderstorm sound effect out there is doin' me 'ead in.

Bent 'tache Basil: Ah, and what can I do for you three gentleman? AAAARGH!

Scar Del: Fuckin' Bennetts! You almost gave me a Brosnan there

Diner 5: It's 'Connery', a funny malapropism of coronary. And Pierce Brosnan doesn't become James Bond until 1995. It's supposed to be 1989 in the episode you're reenacting.

Bent-tache Basil: Oh please! Stay for dinner. £50 to keep quiet about the mediocre standards. Oh no! What have I said?!

Scar Del: Oh yeah? 50 knicker, eh? We'll keep quiet. Don't you worry, John.

Bent-tache Basil (Whispered): It's Basil, not Cleese.

Goatee Rodney: Wha' do you mean 'we'll keep quiet'? You dunno wha' he's on about.

Scar Del turns away from Bent 'tache Basil and gives Goatee Rodney a frown and mouths for him to 'shut up'

Bent 'tache Basil: You mean you're not the inspectors?

Goatee Rodney: Us?! Naooh.

Scar Del: The only thing this dipstick inspects is Penthouse.

Rodney: I 'aven't read it in years.

Scar Del: I wasn't talkin' about you. I was referring to Albert

Half-beard Albert does a double-take

Bent-tache Basil: I can put you all in a double with a single, that includes a traditional English breakfast.

Scar Del: Yeah, that'll sort us aht.

Bent-tache Basil: Splendid. That'll be £30, please.

Bent-tache Basil suddenly leaps in the air, clenching a fist

Bent-tache Basil: BASTARD CUNT!

Scar Del: Is that Lord Delbury?

Goatee Rodney: No, that's been done before.

Scar Del: Oh yeah, you're right.

Half-beard Albert: Oo's Lord Delbury?

Scar Del and Goatee Rodney: SHUT THE FUCK UP, ALBERT!

Scar Del, Goatee Rodney, and Half-beard Albert look on in astonishment at Bent-tache Basil, who approaches a man and pours cream into his briefcase and splats two paper plates each into his face and cock

Decent Bernard Cribbins Lookalike: I jost geyve you a right wallopin' earlieh. What meks you think I'm gonna walk out that duoor - with all this crap shoved on my face, cock AND inside my case - without kicking the shit out of you?!

Scar Del: Well, erm, you can conserve your energy for your journey home by refraining from violence, and you can always eat the whipped cream on the way.

Decent Bernard Cribbins Lookalike: Oh, that's a dead good idea. Cheerio, Mr Fawlty.

Decent Bernard Cribbins Lookalike leaves

Bent-tache Basil: MANUEEEEL?

Pebbledash Manuel: Sí, que?

Bent-tache Basil: Could you take these gentlemen up to room 12.

Pebbledash Manuel: Que?

Bent-tache Basil: I'm suh sorreh, he's from Barcelona.

Scar Del: G'on, Rodders, talk to 'im.

Goatee Rodney: Eh?!

Scar Del: Sprekken de lingowiec. You're the wan wiv the GCSEs.

Diner 24: GCEs!!!!

Goatee Rodney: Yeah. In Maths and Art. But I ain't got one in Barcelona.

Half-beard Albert: Leave ih ta me, sahn.

Rodney: Wha', you know 'ow to speak in a foreign language?

Scar Del: With all that divvy shit he comes aht with, I thought he already was speaking in foreign.

Diner: Ah-huh...... hah.

Half-beard Albert: Cawse ar can. (Wags his head) Ar'm an aold sailor, ain't ar? You learn a loh when you're manning the boilah.

Diner (muttered): In a storage depot on the Isle of Wight.

Scar Del: See that, Rodney, you spend a segment of your education learning 'ow to count the bristles on your brush, and it takes a veteran of a war
to be able to provide instructions to a hotel assistant.

Half-beard Albert confidently approaches Pebbledash Manuel

Half-beard Albert: VOT IST JOR NEM?

Scar Del: Then again... plonkercock!

Pebbledash Manuel: CUE?

Diner 31: It's pronounced 'keh'.

Pebbledash Manuel: Ohhh, sí, sí, I take you to room.


Int. Premier Inn Hall - 'Bedroom'

Goatee Rodney and Half-beard Albert are lying on a mattress in the centre of the hall

Scar Del is horizontally resting across two dining chairs

Goatee Rodney: There is a world of difference between sleeping with you and sleeping with Cassa-

Half-beard Albert: LIKE WHA'?

Goatee Rodney: Well, she ain't my great uncle. She isn't a pensioner. She doesn't have a beard.

Scare Del: 'old on, you mean she's shaved her foliage?

Goatee Rodney: No, I mea- (Shakes head) And - annnnnd - she doesn't have a string vest. Furthermore, she doesn't bore my bollocks off about the Battle of Fort Sumter.

Scar Del: Let's have a drink.

Goatee Rodney: No. Fuck your conspiracy. I'm getting to sleep; it's quite cold, though.

Half-beard Albert: Caold? You dan't knaow the meanin' ov the word. When ar was stationed aht in Siberia, it was sao caold you could make a toothpick with your piss by the time yer eyebrahs had gorne all frosty.

Goatee Rodney: Right! Fuck this! Just a quick half at the Wetherspoons.

The Actor who Plays Basil: You heard the Rodney. Wetherspoons time.


Int. Wetherspoons

Scar Del is seated with the chaps

Scar Del: The notice board reads 'Singer and Comedian'. I think we've got ourselves a two-in-one deal here, as there's currently a stand-up comic on stage doing a routine of what a shit singer sounds like.

Pot Belly Boycie: Hah-eeh-eeh-aah! Oh look over there. It's Raquel, the Strippergram.

Goatee Rodney: Fuckin' cosmics, Del. It is.

Scar Del: Oi Raquel! Alriigh'?!

A flock of pigeons disperse

Scar Del: FFFFuckin' triffic, ma'e. Encore.

Scar Del and Wig Raquel chat at the bar

Wetherspoons Bartender: G&T and a vodka with coke?

Scar Del: Yes please, squire. (To Raquel) I wan' your au'opgraph.

Wig Raquel: I ain't not done one before.

Scar Del: Write your scribble and etch in your telephone number.

Scar Del and Wig Raquel's kiss is interrupted by The Great Ramondo

Nondescript Ramondo: You fucked that right up, missus. Don't be so unprofessional.

Scar Del: What a twat. I ough' to sort 'im aht. Eh! Eh!

Diner 19: A pint of Tyskie, half a Carlsberg, and a Southern Comfort with Coke, please!

Bent-tache Basil: RIGHT!!!!

Bent-tache Basil furiously grabs Diner 19 and positions him in front of a bartender


Ext. Street

Scar Del: She's grea', ain't she. FFFFUCKIN' RAH-QUEEELLL!

Goatee Rodney: Shhh! Keep yer voice down.

Woman's Voice: People are trying to sleep.

Goatee Rodney: SHUT UP!!!!

Pissed Diner: That's nnot quite rruhght. Ain't thaAA' ffrrom the 1990 Xmas speshul?


Int. 'Fawlty Towers'

Scar Del: Aoh! Albert's left the keys in the other side of the door. Not to worry, Raquel's stayin' here an' all. We'll kip in 'er room.

Int. Raquel's Room

Door: Knock-knock-knock!

Scar Del: Shit! It might be the hotel manager. Quick! 'ide!

Scar Del and Goatee Rodney hide in a wardrobe

Wig Raquel: Cum.

Bent-tache Basil surveys the room and collects fag ends before sliding out

Bent-tache Basil: Thenk kyaw.

Nondescript Ramondo exits from the bathroom as Bent 'tache Basil leaves

Scar Del & Goatee Rodney creep out from the wardrobe

Nondescript Ramondo: Oh, it's you, the pigeon scarecrow.

Scar Del: What's 'e doin' 'ere?!

Goatee Rodney: Maybe he's staying here. WHISTLY-WIDDLY-WOOOOO. WuOw-Wohl-WaAAow! Don't go whackin' any yuppies in the face. Take it from me, half-bruv. I'll soon know why it's wrong to jab innocent people firmly in their nose.

Scar Del approaches Nondescript Ramondo

Scar Del: Erm, Mr Taekwondo, may I have an executive board room meetin' with you but not in our kitchen?

THUMP

Scar Del: That's your last magic trick, mate! I've yanked yer rabbit roight aht of your hat! Your slight-of-hand manoeuvre will not be used to pinch Raquel's arse. This is Del Boy's way of telling you that your wand is knackered.

Scar Del dashes a suitcase on a small table but it slides off through an open window.

Wig Raquel: What did you do that for!?

Scar Del: You shall have no reason to fear The Great Ramondo anymore. Del Boy is here.

Rodney: Dat-nah-nuh-naaaah!

Wig Raquel: That was my luggage, you twatting idiot.

Scar Del: Oh, Stella Artois de Pissarro! Wha' a conker I am!

Nondescript Ramondo: Erm... there appears to be a misunderstanding. Me and Raquel are not engaging in coitus intercourse.

Scar Del: Well not right this minu'e you ain't! Stonnnnne me!

Wig Raquel: This is my room. Ray is staying in room 213. Do you understand?

Scar Del is confused

Shit Raquel: If I was the most sexiest slut on this earth, homosexual Ramondo would still not want to poke my gap.

Scar Del looks at Goatee Rodney

Goatee Rodney: Take yer time, Del. WHISTLY-WIDDLY-WOOOOO. WuOw-Wohl-WaAAow!

Scar Del: oHhHhhh. So you mince over puddles?

Nondescript Ramondo: Yes.

Scar Del: Well why didn't you say?

Nondescript Ramondo: I didn't think my being gay was important. I only came in here to use the sink because the one in my room doesn't work.

Scar Del: Oh I believe I bopped you on the hooter and threw Raquel's luggage out of the window. Whatever must you think of me?

Nondescript Ramondo: Please, forget about it.

Scar Del: Magic.

Diner 19: You missed a couple of lines.

Christopher Biggins: The finale...

Scar Del: Remember Rodney, you are a man, and I'm Dangermouse.

Diner: Ha ha. True.

Greek Stephen: Hello, Rod. How was (clicks fingers and swings forearm) seaside town for working-class dullards?

Goatee Rodney: What the frog spawn are you doin' 'ere. Hit a homerun elsewhere, Nasdaq.

Greek Stephen: Hey, back awf, Rod.

Goatee Rodney: Get your head around this...

PUNCH

Goatee Rodney: My stee-riiiike hits harder than your fucking bat, yuppy!

A reluctant cleaner shuffles into view

Goatee Rodney: What's Stephen's wife doin' here?! I thought she went to 'er Mum's for the woikend.

Knex Cassandra: Railstrike, nobcock. She brought these holiday brochures.

Goatee Rodney: Erm... does the Maldives have any cheap hotels?

Knex Cassandra: No, but there's this charming place out in Torquay.

Goatee Rodney: Cosmic.


Int. 'Trotters' Flat'

Scar Del (On phone): Sorry about smacking the magician in his nostrils. Very embarrassing.

Half-beard Albert: Didn't you hear about Mr Fawl'y?

Scar Del: No, wha' 'appened?

Half-beard Albert: He was ahp on a laddah and sahm sui'case flew into his chin. I swear I 'eard 'im tapping on our room's windagh arahnd tha' time.

Scar Del (On phone): It's a terrible world, sweetfart. No, listen, could you get the Underwhelming Ramondo to slice himself in 'alf and crawl into his magic hat? LAVVLY JABBLY. I'll see you Sa'urday. Bye, darlin'.

Goatee Rodney plods in with a bag

Scar Del: Alrigh', brarv?

Diners: CHEER! APPLAUSE!

Diner 25: Thank fuck that's over. I'm busting for a piss.

American Diner: Ah'm naht satisfaied! I had to wait hahf an hour for a god-motherfucking-damn Waldolf salad, and the guy with hahf a beard came over to me and said 'it'll be ready soon, shipmate'. Then when it arrived it was a potato and leek soup with a plain roll. It wasn't even hot. Can't you see what crummy fucking sitcom dining experience this is?!

Cleaner: Noooo. I won't have that. There was a coach trip to Eastbourne

Bent-tache Basil: Oh, so you're not satisfied? (To drunk diner) Sir, are you satisfied?

Drunk Diner: ...yeaaaah.

Bent-tache Basil: Major, are you satisfied?

Cleaner: Hmm?! Me? Oh, yes, I'm satisfied.

Bent-tache Basil: You see - satisfied customers. I shall happily refund you, as I'm aware money is important to you materialistic yanks. But here at the Premier Inn, Dunstable, we care about exceptional customer service and...

Woman Diner: I'm not satisfied.

Bent-tache Basil: People like you never are.

Woman Diner: I think you're the rudest wanker I've ever met.

Bent-tache Basil: I haven't finished.

American Diner: Let's hear more negative reviews from you limey asswipes...

Diner 3263465367: I asked the bloke in the stovepipe hat where the toilets were and he said 'in my arse'. I have to confess to not being a regular viewer of OFAH and FT, so I'm not sure if what he said was in character, but it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

Ginger Diner: I was given potato and leek soup with a plain roll, but I wanted tomato soup. I queried it with 'Rodney' but he was completely dismissive. You plonker, Rodney. You reaaaally are.

Diner 53: I was reading from the themed menu. I asked for a 24-carat Fawlty Tower burger. But what arrived was a plate with a lopsided half-pounder with a partially scorched bun and twenty-four little carrots.

Diner 6: I asked for a potato and leek soup yet was presented with Waldorf salad topped with tomato soup. With a deaf aid.

Diner 78: One coat from the hook, a refund for my stay, and an apology, please!

American Diner: Satisfaied diners, huh? Hah-hah-hah. (American Diner tugs Bent-tache Basil's tie sideways) Gourmet hotdog from the Wetherspoons across the road.

Bent-tache Basil: This. Is. Typical. Absolutely ARSE! I have to put up with all these orders from you muttering dud-nothings while I'm trying to act as Basil hyere. Do you consider the difficulty behind my tasks?! You purchase a ticket, granting you access to the facilities and a three-course meal, looking for little things to complain about, for example the fire exit door has apparatus blocking it, or the chicken has pink meat. Fucking diners with nothing better to do than ensconce themselves in chairs and consume food. Well, let me tell you, the rise of Nazism occurred at another comedy dining venue. I've had it! I'm not really Basil Fawlty so who gives an abseiler's lunchbox about this shit job. Grab your coats and bags and off you piss. Piss! Piss. PISS! PPPPISS!

Bob-cut Sybil: Basil, what are you doing?!

Bent-tache Basil: Well, dear, the diners and I were having a bit of a gobflap and we came to the conclusion that they're off. Either I pack my arse and shit off or they do.

Bob-cut Sybil stares blankly

Bent-tache Basil: Right! My wife has a better idea. I'll quit my job and become a diner. Well, dear, it's been an interesting one day. I hope you enjoy your acting work here. All work trials must come to an end (To Diners) Any problems, just email the events organiser. Bye!

Ext. Premier Inn

It's pissing down with rain as Bent-tache Basil rubs his hands as he gradually appears crestfallen

Int. Premier Inn

Bent-tache Basil: Ah, good evening. I'd like to reserve a table for the Love Thy Neighbour dining evening. Or if no seating is available for that, two pints of lager and a packet of crisps would be fine. And yes, I am alluding to the Wetherspoons across the road.

MYSTERIOUS TRAILER