MATTER OF FACT FOOLSTY TOWERS CATERING THING

[Glebe]

Great posts & pics above.

Cheers Danglers... 'Bent-tache Basil', heh!

Fuck's sake, NEW PAGE TWAT.

[Glebe]

FOOLSTY TOWERS: THE LONGEST GOURMET NIGHT!

HE IS ANDRE: I hope you both have a good gourmet night tonight!

SYBIL?: Yes Andre, we hope to serve these lovely diners here tonight some duck!

REAL DINERS: HAHAHA!

SYBIL?: Basil, attend to that family over there, would you?

NOT LIKE BAZ: Hello, can I help?

MEANT TO BE RODDERS: These eggs are 'orrible did yoo lay 'em?

CASSIE?: Now now my, er, son Rodney, we are trying to enjoy this break in Torquay which we won from Mega Flakes, don't be rude!

DEL?: 'ere Fawlty, I sholl be camin' to yoor gourmet night wiv Triggah's niece Lisa!

NOT-POL: Mr. Fawlty, come quick, there's trouble at kitchen!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Has Kurt the chef fallen in love with Manuel and gotten blotto?

NOT-POL: No, a young London lad called Lennox has taken everyone hostage!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Oh no... I'll borrow young Rodney's jacket to use as camouflage!

DEL?: Oi'll cam wiv yah, Ancle Alber' took a tour ov dah kitchen earlier an' ain't cam back!



MANUEL MY FOOT: Mr. Fawlty, Lennox he go crazy an' try to kill us with fake gun!

AIN'T UNCLE ALBERT: It's owight Mahnweol san, 'e's fowllen asleep at the taybul, there!

NOT LIKE BAZ: If I can just reach that roast duck...

AIN'T LENNOX (waking up): 'ere wot yoo playin' at?

NOT LIKE BAZ: OH BUGGER!

AIN'T ALBERT: Cahreful... Mistah Fowlty's on edge, dahnger soigns in a situahshun loike vis!

LENNOX legs it with the roast duck.

NOT LIKE BAZ: Shit, no roast duck for these lovely people tonight!

DINERS: Awwwww, hahaha!

KURT?: I make dem sam shark-fins soup, Mr. Fawlty!

AIN'T ALBERT: Shorks, dan tolk ta me abaht shorks!

DEL?: 'e fought shork-fin soup woz stickul-back soup!

SYBIL?: Basil, Major Twitchin and co. are here! I got on the phone to Andre, he can do us some instant Smash and Angel Delight to collect!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Great! Oh bugger, me car's fucked!

DEL?: Noh tah warry Baz, oi can sell yah a banger at a knock-dahn proice!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Ladies and gentlemen diners, will you  please accompany me outside for the car scene?



NOT LIKE BAZ: Well I collected the shit from Andre, but the piece of crap that Del sold me has broken down! I'm gonna give it a damn good thrashing!

DINER: Haha remember that classic bit!

SIMILAR TO JUMBO MILLS: Typical bladdy Brit, thrashin' a car with a bronch! Although I sympathize, Del sold me a fucked Ford Cortina and he didn't even recognize me!



DEL?: Weol here we are at dah gourmet night... hope yoo enjoy y'self, Lisa!

NOT GERRY COWPER: Why thank you, kind sir!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Er, sorry I'm late, folks... here's some instant Smash and Angel Delight!

FAIRLY LIKE ALLAN CUTHBERTSON: WHAT-ABOUT-THE-DUCK?!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Duck's off, I'm afraid... oh fuck and so's the Smash and Angel Delight, left 'em in the car! Er... here's some cheese I found under a dish!

[Glebe]

^Forgot to add... Sybil kept Col. Twitchin and co. entertained with stories about Uncle Albert coming in with his crates o' rum!

****

FOOLTSY TOWERS: RODNEY'S WEDDING PARTY!

NON-BAZ: Here we are, in the bar!

THIS AIN'T SYBIL: HAHAHAHAHA!!

NON-BAZ: Another drink, Major?

MAJOR UPSET: Just a small large gin, Fawlty!

UNLIKE A.A. GILL'S MUM: Ah, Mr. Fawlty! Give us a sherry!

NON-BAZ: Where's Manuel to serve the diners?

THIS AIN'T SYBIL: Has the night off for his birthday!

NON-BAZ: I SAW A FILM ABOUT MURDERING YOUR WIFE SIX TIMES!

DINERS: Haha, eh?

NON-BAZ: Now, to the front desk... here Polly, when you're finished snogging your big blue flares boyfriend put away your scribblings and go and put some clothes on!

The phone rings.

NON-BAZ: HELLO FALSE TITTIES! Hi Audrey, I'll tell Sybil y'rang y'stupid bint!



NOT-ROD: Nice suit! Give us a double-bed!

NON-CASS: We're getting married!

NON-BAZ: No double-bed for you before the marriage!

UNLIKE MANUEL: Mr. Fawlty thank you for this shoddy umbrella you bought off Del-Boy for my birthday!

NOT-ROD: I thought it was my birthday before we were refused the double! *winks at diners*

THIS AIN'T SYBIL: Ye can have the double, folks!

POLLY: CASSIE! RODNEY! How lovely to see you both!

AIN'T DEL: Me an' Ancle Alburt iz here an' all!

NOT-ROD: Alright Pol listen I'm just gonna get some condoms off Baz! Here, mate, got any rubber johnnies? Only I lost me nerve in the chemist's and bought a load of combs!

NON-BAZ: DISGUSTING! I'm off to bed to read Jaws!

AIN'T DEL: Alburt thought Jaws woz a stickle-

NON-BAZ: Yeah mate not now.

NON-ALBERT: Yah!

NON-BAZ and THIS AIN'T SYBIL are abed. The phone rings.

THIS AIN'T SYBIL: Audrey? Oh, I know!

NON-BAZ: There's the door! I'll just pretend to run downstairs!

'Downstairs'.

UNLIKE A.A. GILL'S MUM: Mr. Fawlty I am pissed let me sit on you!

NOT-ROD and NON-CASS (coming in): Hur hur!

Back 'upstairs'.

UNLIKE MANUEL (drunk): Mr. Fawlty, I love you!

NOT-ROD: 'kin 'ell! *breaks Fourth Wall and looks directly at diners!*

NON-BAZ: It's the next morning, folks!

UNLIKE MANUEL: Fuck's sake, I'm fucking hung over mate!

DINER: Could we have less bad language please?

NON-BAZ: Yeah stop being an amateur, mate... now let me mount you!

NON-CASS: Disgusting!



NON-BAZ: Get on with your meals, diners!

DINERS: HAHAHA!!

THIS IS ALAN PARRY?: Hello Sybil Fawlty, give us a room! Nice to be here, eh, Pamela?

WHITHER WANDA VENTHAM?: Yes, husband, now where is our daughter Cassandra and the plonker? Go upstairs, husband!

'Upstairs'.

NON-CASS: Oh it's lovely to see you!

THIS IS ALAN?: Let me embrace you, Cass!

NON-BAZ: Fuck's sake, what's going on 'ere?

'Downstairs'.

NON-BAZ: Let me show you the kitchen, Mrs. Ventham... we put Manuel in a basket!

'Upstairs'.

NON-BAZ: Now here's your much-nicer, but identical room over here!



MARLENE?: Coo-ee! Hello Cass and Rodney, me and Boycie are here for the wedding! Here Rodney, let me give you a back rub!

NON-CASS: I'll just strip while you're at it, Marlene!

THIS IS ALAN?: Phwoar, you lot have started early!

WHITHER WANDA VENTHAM: Clear off, Marlene!

NON-BAZ: Fuck me! You lot, OUT! Polly, get y'hat and coat, y'fired for not preventing this sordid behaviour!

'Downstairs'.

THIS AIN'T SYBIL: Basil, Alan and Ventham are Cassie's parents! Pol's known 'em for years!

NON-BAZ: What have I done?! Alright, I'll go and apologize for your mistake!



'Upstairs'.

NON-BAZ: I'm so Sorry, Syb make a fuck-up, you can all stay and indulge in your sick London doings!

THIS IS ALAN?: Sybil made a dreadful mistake marrying you.

DINERS: CHUCKLE!

'Downstairs'.

THIS AIN'T SYBIL: Right, George has left Audrey, I'm off to console!

MAJOR UPSET: She's a fine woman!

UNLIKE A.A. GILL'S MUM: Fix me window, mate!

MEANT TO BE MIKE FISHER: Right, Sybil's out and Baz and the rest have gone to bed, let's get this wedding party started!

UNLIKE MANUEL: Groan, I fall asleep in basket!

AIN'T DEL: I just won'ed to say... I really am very proud of you, Manuel, foh gettin' so plostered on y'birthday! More jellied eels, Alun?

THIS AIN'T ALAN: Thank you, Derek!

MEANT TO BE MIKE FISHER: And now ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our special guest... MICK HUCKNELL!

DINERS: WOOOOOO!!!

MIKE HUCKNELL TRIBUTE ACT (singing): Hol-din' back the yeeeears...

MEANT TO BE MIKE FISHER: Sorry Del, gotta lock up and switch the lights off, right now!

'Upstairs.'

UNLIKE A.A. GILL'S MUM: You forgot your tape recorder, Mr. Fawlty! I shall sleep au naturellement tonight!

THIS AIN'T SYBIL: Basil, there's a cockney burglar or two downstairs!

NON-BAZ: Oh what a terrible dream!

'Downstairs'.

NON-BAZ: I'll just grab this frying pan and knock Del out!

NON-ALBERT: HURHURHURHURHUR!!!

THIS AIN'T ALAN: WE'VE BEEN TO A WEDDING!

[Glebe]

FOOLSTY TOWERS: THE HOTEL DETECTIVE CHIEF INSPECTOR ROY SLATER!



IS NOT BASIL: Sybil, stop nattering to Audrey on the phone and give us a light!

AIN'T SYB: Oh it's Bernard Cribbins! Deal with him, would you, Basil?

IS NOT BASIL: Sorry Cribbins, I was having a fag!

REASONABLY CRIBBINS: It matters not one wit! I need a taxi  in a nutshell! Draw us a map of the area!

AIN'T SYB: Here's a box of pens, Basil!

LOOKALIKE DEL: Owight squire, Derek Duvall here, o'im booked foh lanch!

IS NOT BASIL: PISS OFF! Er, sorry... Manuel, would you take Del Boy's cases, please?

HE'S NOT MANUEL: Que será, será!

IS NOT BASIL and AIN'T SYB take a moment in the office.

AIN'T SYB: Go easy on me today Basil, I've had a complicated morn, got enmeshed in me duvet!

IS NOT BASIL: Little nest of vipers!

They go back out front.

AIN'T SYB: Oh yeah, Audrey got a tip off through her criminal underground connections that a special 'hotel' DCI is down snooping around with a couple of other officers!

IS NOT BASIL: Ooh that's a right bark that is missus an' no mistake!

REASONABLY CRIBBINS: I'd love to hire a TV,  there's a documentary about Doctor Who on tonight and I'm in it!

IS NOT BASIL: Give it a rest, Cribs!

REASONABLY CRIBBINS: Now look here mate I have wide experience of hotels!

IS NOT BASIL: Hang on... YES! YES! I will buy you a TV right now, mister potentially one of the hotel detectives!

REASONABLY CRIBBINS: Heh, nice one... throw in a table tennis table and you've got yourself a deal!

IS NOT BASIL: Righto, Cribbins! Oh by the way, we haven't forgotten you, diners, I know there's not been much interaction!

DINERS: Heh!



REASONABLY CRIBBINS: Right then, time for lunch! I'll have a Spanish omelette, just like Granddad Trotter used to make!

NOT POLLY: The eggs is on the turn!

REASONABLY CRIBBINS: Oh dear... in that case I'll have a cheeeese salad, Gromit, with lashings and lashings of ginger beer!

AIN'T SYB: Telephone for Mr. Cribbins!

REASONABLY CRIBBINS: Oh dear oh dear oh dear!

LOOKALIKE DEL: Taybul foh wan!

HE'S NOT MANUEL: Okay, I move one of the diners out of their seat for you!

DINERS: Heh!

LOOKALIKE DEL: Flippin' Nora... roight, givvaz a pâté casserole!

IS NOT BASIL: What are you doing there!

LOOKALIKE DEL: It's loike bleedin' musical chairs in here! Anyway, listen me date Raquel iz late, would yah ring me New York office please?

IS NOT BASIL: Er... right. Would you like to see the wine list Mr. Duvall?

LOOKALIKE DEL: Em yeah... right, givvaz dah red woine!

IS NOT BASIL: Any particular kind, sir?

LOOKALIKE DEL: Er, yeah, oi'll 'ave a bottle of '75 Dillinger's nouveau!

IS NOT BASIL: Uh you don't know much about wine do you mate.

LOOKALIKE DEL: Hand it over with all speed, stout yeoman!



REASONABLY CRIBBINS: I cleaned y'telephone cos I has OCD! Now... here mate, me ginger beer's tepid!

IS NOT BASIL: COMING MASTER CRIBBINS! Sorry Mr. Duvall, y'wines' corked!

LOOKALIKE DEL: Uh oh yeah mate it's corking, luverly!

AIN'T SYB: Might I have a word, Baz? Cribbins ain't no inspector, he's a seller of spoons!

IS NOT BASIL: Dat dirty rat! I'll fix him!

AIN'T SYB: I'll sort things, Basil... here you go sir, the wrong dish!

REASONABLY CRIBBINS: I didn't order this erroneous platter! No worries, 'tis chef's fault!

HE'S NOT MANUEL: Here's another wrong-lunch for yah, Cribbins!

IS NOT BASIL: Here you go Manuel, a spoon on the head.

HE'S NOT MANUEL: Fuck's sake mate that hurt!

NOT POLLY: Your wrong order again sir, can I get you anything else you didn't order?

REASONABLY CRIBBINS: Oh no no no!

IS NOT BASIL: Oi Duvall where'd you get that extra bottle?

LOOKALIKE DEL: Manuel give it me.

IS NOT BASIL: It's Bollingers.

LOOKALIKE DEL: It's ruddy true, I tell thee!

REASONABLY CRIBBINS: Oh for goodness' sake, no I cancelled me cheesy salad!

IS NOT BASIL: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

REASONABLY CRIBBINS: The respected and seasoned performer I am essaying is not used to being spoken to so rudely.

IS NOT BASIL: I was shouting at Polly whilst starring you right in the fizzog. Right, back to Derek... you must excuse Manuel, Mr. Duvall... (looks at DINERS) HE'S FROM BARCELONA!

DINERS: *PEELS OF LAUGHTER!*

IS NOT BASIL: So do you er drink a lot of wine, mate? Like, are you an alcoholic?

LOOKALIKE DEL: Oi do loike me booze mate yeah... 'ere listen, oi'm anly pretending tah be Derek Duvall wiv an office in New York. I'm in anovvah profession. Verz free ov az.

IS NOT BASIL: THREE OF YOU?!? Er... is everything alright?!

LOOKALIKE DEL: Yes everything is to a fine standard mate.

REASONABLY CRIBBINS: NO NO NO!

IS NOT BASIL: Take it easy, pal!

REASONABLY CRIBBINS: STOP THIS RIDICULOUS BEHAVIOUR!

IS NOT BASIL chokes REASONABLY CRIBBINS unconscious.

IS NOT BASIL: Don't worry, bit of cheese went down the wrong way! Manuel, help me chuck Cribs in the bar!

They do that then IS NOT BASIL attends to LOOKALIKE DEL at the reception desk.

IS NOT BASIL: Adequate, your casserole? Sorry for asphyxiating Cribbins like that!

REASONABLY CRIBBINS: You're for it, mate!

IS NOT BASIL: Would you prefer to beat me up in the office or here?

REASONABLY CRIBBINS beats shite out of IS NOT BASIL. Some of the DINERS are rather taken aback by the beating.

DINERS: Ooh!

REASONABLY CRIBBINS: I'm not a violent man, Mr. Fawlty, but even cuddly National Treasures like Cribbins must surely have their breaking point! Now I ain't paying no bill you rude bastard!

AIN'T SYB: Nicely handled, Baz!

IS NOT BASIL: Heh, we do this all the time, Derek!

LOOKALIKE DEL: Yeah mate oi've taken a few beatings in me toime meself orf the Driscolls an' that!

IS NOT BASIL: Can I offer you free dinners? How about fifty quid?

LOOKALIKE DEL: Cappla ponies? Noice... but mate, oi ain't no 'otel inspectah, oi'm a morket tradah!

IS NOT BASIL: Oh thank you, thank you! Hang on... here, Cribbins, have some cream pies on your person and some milk in y'briefcase!

LOOKALIKE DEL: Heh, glad it's not me gettin' milk in me filofax!

SUPPOSED TO BE DCI ROY SLATER: Here I am with a couple of fellow inspectors! We have been driven down from London by my assistant Hoskins!

IS NOT BASIL: Good afternoon Jim Broadbent and another two, how may I - AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

[Glebe]

FOOLSTY TOWERS: THE IBS DOC!



PRETEND SYBIL (on phone): Oh dear oh dear oh dear!

NOT LIKE BAZ (on other phone): Hello, Speaking Clock? Speak to me, Mr. Clock!

LAIRY DEL: Any messages lav?

NOT LIKE BAZ: No, but we have a lovely bunch of barnanas for yah!

PRETEND SYBIL: Let's chat, Mr. Trotter!

LAIRY DEL: 'Pretentious', moi?

NOT LIKE BAZ: Tea party monkey! Honestly, Sybil, yoo cannae be attracted to Del!

PRETEND SYBIL: You get aroused by Baden-Powell!

HE'S DOCTOR ROBBIE: Alright hen we phoned about a room.

PRETEND SYBIL: Deal with it, Basil!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Just let me do my gorilla impersonation first! Now, Mr. and Mrs. er ah...?

HE'S DR. ROBBIE: I'm a doctor and so is my wife!

NOT LIKE BAZ: You three are doctors?

SHE'S DOCTOR SHAHEED: No you fucking cretin, he a doctor, I a doctor!

PRETEND SYBIL: Here Del, what's your medallion mean?

NOT LIKE BAZ: You know it's good to have educated, civilized, classy doctors here... not like Del Boy!

HE'S DR. ROBBIE: Excuse me, anyone got a script? I'm confused!

LAIRY DEL: Yoo can borrah moine, Robbie! Naw a good restaurant, Baz?

NOT LIKE BAZ: The Star of Bengal?

LAIRY DEL: Nah, dan't fancy gettin' Delhi-belly!

SHE'S DR. SHAHEED: I'm from Delhi!

PRETEND SYBIL: Serve the doctors their lunch, Benzedrine puff adder!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Yes yes, come this way - and hello, diners we haven't forgotten you!

DINERS: Hahaha!!



NOT LIKE BAZ: Right, you've had your meal... fancy an aperitif?

HE'S DR. ROBBIE: Yeah go on mate.

NOT LIKE BAZ: So you're a doctor, then, Doctor Robert?

HE'S DR. ROBBIE: Yes and my wife is also a doctor. I specialize in Irritable Bowl Syndrome so ah do, tha' noo.

PRETEND SYBIL: Basil wanted to be a sappy tree surgeon! Btw, don't see many doctors on the telly, but I seen you two on Fools and Horses!

DINERS: ????

NOT LIKE BAZ hides in the kitchen and peeps through the door.

NOT LIKE BAZ: Look at him... fucking Scottish quack! ER, EXCUSE ME, SYBIL, GOT A LITTLE PROBLEMS!

PRETEND SYBIL: Tha' fucks wrong with you? We was just talking about Scotland!

THIS IS TERRY?: Take it easy, Mr. Fawlty!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Don't you get involved! I don't want no bum-obsessed IBS doc nosing around in my anus, Sybil!

NOT LIKE BAZ pops back into the dining room.

HE'S DR. ROBBIE: My wife and I were just wondering how often your wife and you managed to go to the toilet, if it's not a personal question. Once, twice a year? I dunno how you can manage it at all!

NOT LIKE BAZ: The average dump rate in Torquay is twice weekly! Perfectly normal, you know!

NOT LIKE BAZ pops back to kitchen.

POLLY?: Alright, mate?

NOT LIKE BAZ: NO! They had the cheek to ask about poo-poos!

PRETEND SYBIL: They may have meant walking or sex or summit.

SHE'S DR. SHAHEED: Let's go for our evening stroll, husband!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Here, doctors! Before you go, we were at cross-purposes just now... I thought you were talking about shitting, not having sex-walks or 'owt! Now enjoy your shit-walk... I-I mean, y'sex-walk!



TRANSGENDER JUMBO MILLS: Alright mate, ken oi 'ave a rum for t'noigsh?

NOT LIKE BAZ: Yes, er, sir- or madam? Nice pair of jubblies, by the way!

TRANSGENDER JUMBO MILLS: Yeah mate, I had 'em enhanced! Boi th' way, this ain't no touper, it's, er, me real long, luxurious ba-lond hair!

LAIRY DEL: Go on, Raquel, sneak ap stairs, I'll see you in a mo!

FAKE RAQUEL: Chuckle!

NOT LIKE BAZ shows TRANSGENDER JUMBO MILLS TO his/her room.

NOT LIKE BAZ: I detect from your accent ma'am, that you are from the Antipodes?

TRANSGENDER JUMBO MILLS: Is it that bladdy obvious, mate? Strewth!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Here's your room... I'll just pop into the bathroom!

TRANSGENDER JUMBO MILLS: An' oil 'ave a stretch boi the doah... knaw any gud restaurants, mate?

NOT LIKE BAZ: There's a bit of a leeky Welsh one down the road... now, let me just check the light switch and cop a feel of y'breast at the same time!

TRANSGENDER JUMBO MILLS: Bladdy Nora! Me flippin' touper's cam off!

PRETEND SYBIL: Pathetic, Basil, grabbing Jumbo's breast like that! It's the male menopause!



SHE'S DR. SHAHEED: Bathroom, mate?

NOT LIKE BAZ: Down yon hall.

HE'S DR. ROBBIE: I'm going too, I wish to examine some stools with my wife.

LAIRY DEL: Er, excuse me, pal, can I 'ave a bottle of champagne?

NOT LIKE BAZ: Indeed, Derek - with one glass, I presume?

LAIRY DEL: Yeah mate one is all I can manage - I'm 'on the job', if you know what I mean!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Yeah well I never drink 'on the job' - it can cause irritable bowel!

LAIRY DEL: Nah mate I meant sex noh toilet. You're obsessed with jobbies, mate!

TERRIBLE MISS TIBBS: Mr. Fawlty, we heard they was a doctor come to take the Major away!

NOT GREAT MISS GATSBY: Yes, a bowels doctor!

MAJORLY NOT GOWAN: Oi Fawlty, there's a doctor disguised as a guest, doncha know!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Piss off, you lot! Manuel, the champagne!

LAIRY DEL: Quick, Raquel, hide! Entré!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Just let me examine them ciggy butts! Fer-fetch a ladder, Manuel! Come on, diners, we're going outside!

EASILY PLEASED DINER: This is exciting!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Ooh no I'm peeping Tomming at Robbie and Shaheed by mistake! I'll leave you both to get down to it... yikes, there goes me ladder!

THAT'S NOT MANUEL: Mrs. Fawlty, come quick! Mr. Fawlty try and see naked woman, he's crazy for it!

PRETEND SYBIL comes out and slaps NOT LIKE BAZ hard around the chops.

NOT LIKE BAZ: Fuck's sake that'll leave a mark you're only supposed to pretend.

Back inside.

PRETEND SYBIL: You're not coming our into our wobbly set bedroom tonight, Baz!

PRETEND SYBIL goes into the bedroom and slams the door shut.

NOT LIKE BAZ: Oh fuck, me moustache has fallen off!

DINER: Tch, that's very amateurish.

THAT'S NOT MANUEL: She go crazy! Not to worry, Fawlty, here is a fruit basket to help with your irritable bowel!



NOT LIKE BAZ turns THAT'S NOT MANUEL upside down and shakes him vigorously.

HE'S DR. ROBBIE: WTF?

NOT LIKE BAZ: Right, that's enough upside-down shaking training exercises for one night! Well I'm banned from the bedroom so I'll just go crouch uncomfortably on the staircase all night!

'Next morning'.

POLLY?: Breakfast! What you doing, Fawlty?

NOT LIKE BAZ: Push off... 'ere, Syb, giz me razor! Now to hide in the upstairs cupboard!

SHE'S DR. SHAHEED: Del, Dr. Robbie has learnt his lines properly, here's your script back!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Right, the game pie is up on the ceiling, let me brush it down!

HE'S DR. ROBBIE: What a crazy hotel owner... there's enough material for two entire series there!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Shit, I got cupboard-paint on me hand - oh here comes a girl! RIGHT! LET ME GRAB THAT TIT!

TRANSGENDER JUMBO MILLS: Fack me this bloke's a fruitcake.

PRETEND SYBIL: Handprint on his tit!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Apologies, Jumbo!

TRANSGENDER JUMBO MILLS: Ah no worries mate!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Whoops, here's Sybil again - I'll hide in the closet!

PRETEND SYBIL: I'm sorry about my husband's behaviour, Transgender Jumbo, he's gorn a bit tit-crazy of late!

TRANSGENDER JUMBO MILLS: Nah it's foine, Mrs. Fawlty!

PRETEND SYBIL: Basil, I can see your finger. Come out of the closet!

NOT LIKE BAZ: I'm not gay!

DINERS: Chuckle, groan!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Nah but seriously Syb I'm tapping the inside of the wardrobe repeatedly because I have OCD as well as IBS!

PRETEND SYBIL: Honestly, Basil, do you think Jumbo Mills would be interested in a Brylcreemed insect?

NOT LIKE BAZ: Shut up, rancorous cow! Now look, Raquel is in Del's room, and I can prove it!

LAIRY DEL: 'ere Raquel, put me Mavver's old clothes on before I answer the doah!

NOT LIKE BAZ: More champagne, Derek?

LAIRY DEL: Goh a screw loose, pal? I just goh me mater in 'ere!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Oh really?! Old Mother Trotter, come out, come out, wherever you are!

FAKE RAQUEL (dressed as Del's Mum): It is I, Del's Mum!

NOT LIKE BAZ: How do you do, Mrs. Trotter! BA-DOING! Oh dear, I've gone so mental now I think I'll put on a frog mask and hop around the landing!



HE'S DR. ROBBIE: This is nature's way of telling you you need a holiday, Basil. Eat plenty of boring fried foods, get no exercise and indulge in lots of boring conversation!

NOT LIKE BAZ: That's easy I'll just to the Major!

HE'S DR. ROBBIE: Brush up on y'cigars, gamble y'life away and indulge in late nights! That should really cure the madness! And I don't want to see you here again!

NOT LIKE BAZ: Thank you doctor. Gibber!

SHE'S DR. SHAHEED: And if you strip to the waist we'll examine your arse, Mr. Fawlty.

[Glebe]

UPDATE: This 'classic' Foolsty Towers moment saw the world's least-convincing Basil removed a stature-challenged 'Uncle Albert' from the dining experience, with hilarious results!

[DangledTeeth]

Classic posts.

-----------------------------


The Actual Christopher Biggins: Ooah, hello comedy fans. I'm now doing the voiceover for the stationary dining experience instead of the coach tours. Anywhat, come and ensconce yer arses at a dining table and gulp the tummy fodder as Dellll Boy and, erm, John Cleesety entertain you with a barrage of rib-tickling lines and farcical mishapssss. Tonight's diningsode issss: Modern Anniversary.

Int. Jury's Inn - 'Fawlty Towers'

Ringpiece Terry: G'on, Pol', ask Mr Fawl'y for the money; we practically run the fuckin' place.

Stalin Manuel: Here your change, Polly - 46p. I make paella. It surprise.

Lorry Sybil enters

Egyptian Polly: Anything the matter, Mrs Farty?

Diner: Fawlty!

Lorry Sybil: That pissjug husband of mine has forgotten our 15th wedding anniversary.

Drum Basil enters

Drum Basil: Hyere I am with a wafer-thin newspaper.

Lorry Sybil: There's a galloping cunt on the front page.

Drum Basil: Ah, quite. So there is, dear.

Lorry Sybil: I bet that galloping cunt doesn't forget his wife's anniversary.

Drum Basil: Erm, I don't think he's married, dear.

Lorry Sybil: Sometimes I think it's best if we weren't.

Drum Basil: Oh, spiffing! I could slap Manuel's bummywum in the office and get nothing done.

Diner 2: What?!?!

Lorry Sybil storms off towards the reception hall

Egyptian Polly: Mr Frosty...

Diner: Not again!!!!

Egyptian Polly: ...it's your anniversary.

Drum Basil: My anniversary. Hmph! I'm another year older. Where does the bloody time go?

Egyptian Polly: No, you misunderstand me. I mean your wedding anniversary.

Drum Basil: Oh yes, I know. I'm pretending I've forgotten. Last year I forgot and consequently got the typewriter forcibly inserted into my arse - it brings a 'whole' new meaning to the word '(w)rec(ked)tum'.

Drum Basil simpers at a disinterested table of diners

Drum Basil: My shitter is veally good. Vea- oh, don't worry yourselves. (To Egyptian Polly) I have requested Manuel to make his foreign vomit; some of our pals are going to occupy the lounge area, and a bottle of champagne is going to get pissed up. Don't mention the surprise anniversary.

Stalin Manuel: Meesta Faawlty! What time for pahyehyahlalayueahla?

Drum Basil: Dinner time... about three rotations away.

Stalin Manuel: Cue? CUE?

Diner: 'Keh', not 'kyoo'.

Stalin Manuel: I can't remember the next bit.

Diner: Oh.

Lorry Sybil: Basil, do you know what the date is today?

Drum Basil: Erm... yes. The 1st of April.

Lorry Sybil: It's the 17th of April.

Drum Basil: Let me see... my thin newspaper says that it is the 17th. Well-well-well. The printing firm is having a good old laugh on April Fools Day.

Lorry Sybil: Does that stir any memories?

Drum Basil: Stir any memories? Stirring the paella. Oh! Bit of a slip. It's the fall of the Berlin Wall?

Lorry Sybil: Slap to your face.

Drum Basil: The Moon landing? The final episode of Jonathan Creek? Christmas Day?

Ringpiece Terry approaches Drum Basil

Ringpiece Terry: Why the piss-arseing fuck didn't you ask me to do the dinner, Mister Fawl'y?! I can do a paella an' all. I wen' to  ca'ering school. It's easy to do - ingredients, mixing bowl, whisk, fryin' pan.

Drum Basil: Manuel is Spanish. He can do an authentic one.

Stalin Manuel: Meesta Faawlty!

Drum Basil: Don't argue with me about this.

Stalin Manuel: Meesiz Faawlty - she fuck off. She wear headscarf and heels.

Drum Basil: What?!?!

Lorry Sybil almost tips out of a small electric car designed for rich brats as she drives out of the main hall at 3mph

Drum Basil: Fuck me! She's driven away! Curse this pissing bump in the road.

Inadequate Roger: Everything alright?

Drum Basil: Yes, in you come, Roger and Una Stubbs.

Diner 46: I can see them out the window

Diner 32: Can't hear any of the dialogue.

Stalin Manuel: HaHAaaahhahasAa! MAN-WELL.

Diner 46: Uh?!

Drum Basil: They're hyere! What the shit am I going to say?!

Stalin Manuel: Mrs Fawlty fuck off on her heels. Her not here eez surprise for guest.

Drum Basil: Scowl. Clenched fist.

Egyptian Polly: She's ill.

Inadequate Roger: Syb-ill. Bas-well.

Stalin Manuel: HOHO! INSTRUCTION MANUAL. Thumbs up.

Una Stubbs: I'll go and see her.

Drum Basil: No-no, she has a puffed-up face. Your emission of carefully constructed sentences will only exacerbate the unnecessary softness of her fizzog.

Inadequate Roger: Let her have a natter, old boy.

Drum Basil: The doctor's diagnosis is she's a bit fucked and needs a good old rest. A crowd of her sympathetic mates will halt the healing process. Go to the bar and have an alcoholic concoction.

Una Stubbs: Such a fucking shame about Sybil.

Egyptian Polly: Yes. Even though the doctor hasn't been, he said no one must enter her room.

Inadequate Roger: Up your cockhole, Basil.

Shit Virginia: HELLO!

Drum Basil: Hello Virginia. Hello Arthur.

Shit Virginia: Cake in a tin.

Una Stubbs: Yummy.

Inadequate Roger: I saw Sybil driving off in her car right when we pulled up beside you, when you were having a punch-up with the tarmac.

Drum Basil: No, that's a woman who looks like Sybil.

Some Fucker: We've arrived

Another Some Fucker: Yes, I'm his wife.

Una Stubbs: Sybil's not well.

Another Some Fucker: Oh deaaaar!

Shit Virginia: I am a doctor. Stand aside, stand aside, let the Virginia see the rabbit, namely Sybil.

Stalin Manuel: Hah-hah. MAN UNITED!

Drum Basil: Yes, thank you, Manuel. (To Drum Basil's friends) If you all wouldn't mind uncunting yourselves for a second, we shall have a peep at my sick wife.

Shit Virginia: Actually, maybe it's best if we don't.

Drum Basil: No, no, let's go up now.

Una Stubbs: When she's feeling better.

Some Fucker: Another time, Basil.

Drum Basil: No, come on. I'm sure Polly's plonked a wig on her head by now.

Int. 'Bedroom'



Shit Virginia: Erm, Basil.

Drum Basil: Yes? Yes? Well? Yes?

Shit Virginia: I know you said Sybil has a swollen face and would look remarkably different to how she usually appears.

Drum Basil: Yes?

Shit Virginia: Well...

Some Fucker: What Viriginia is trying to say is who is that?



Drum Basil squeezes past from the doorframe and gawps at Cassandra

Drum Basil: Oh, erm, I'm suh sorreh. Wrong room.

Debris Del: What the jubblying fuck is goin' on 'ere, eh?!?!

Drum Basil: I'm terribly sorry, I've made a dreadful mistake.

Debris Del: My sister-in-law had a miscarriage, and you group of plonkercocks come onion bhajing in 'er vicinity conkersequently frigh'ening the poor caow.

Laceration Rodney: Not cosmic!

Drum Basil (Muttered): I need a distraction. Please, please.

Voice: AAaaaaAAAaaAagGgGhhHhHh!

Drum Basil looks at the ceiling

Drum Basil: Thank you, Barry Manilow *Mmmwah*!

The gathering enter another bedroom

Mrs Tibbs: HE'S DEEEAAAD!!!! HE'S FUCKING DEAD!!!!

Drum Basil: Right! I've warned you before about using your metal detector in that wardrobe. There's no Roman landmines in there. You've had your fun.

Stalin Manuel does a dance

Diner 16: This isn't correct.

Debris Del: Too righ' an' all, pal. This gig is wholly inaccurate; a poor reenactment of a comedy classic, ya-know-wha'-oy-mean-dawlin'.

Debris Del rhythmically bobs his head while grasping his lapels

Debris Del: Apples and bears, 'ave a Palarva, scaffle me brush, off to Stepney to waggle me nuts, slap me cock, Roger me Rabbit, Maida me Vale, Adam me Bux, shit on me tits, ham in me tux.

Drum Basil and Stalin Manuel carry Mr Leeman downstairs

Stalin Manuel: I queet! I on strike!

Drum Basil: Manuel, I order you to get out of that inexplicably-placed laundry basket and serve up your signature paella.

Inadequate Roger: This is quite funny, isn't it?

Debris Del: Not 'alf, John.

Laceration Rodney: More funnier than the time Uncah Lahbert caught his pubes in the microwave door

The moose bust drops on top of Drum Basil's head

Lorry Sybil comes back

Drum Basil: Polly!? You're supposed to be upstairs.

Drum Basil falls unconscious

Egyptian Polly charges downstairs

Egyptian Polly: Oh, Mrs Fawlty.

Inadequate Roger: I thought it was the lookalike who drove a similar car.

Lorry Sybil: Lookalike?! What cascade of bollocks has that dipstick insect husband of mine been telling you?

Shit Virginia: He said you were unwell and recovering in bed.

Lorry Sybil: Basil appeared to have forgotten our anniversary. I stormed off to clear my head.

Egyptian Polly: Oh no, Mr Fawlty doubtless has concussion and Manuel is striking inside a laundry basket. Who's going to cook the surprise paella for Mrs Fawlty?

Lorry Sybil: Surprise paella?!

Debris Del: Daon't worry, I know just the man for the job. (To Ringpiece Terry) I don't know your name, Terry...

Ringpiece Terry (Hopeful): Yes?

Debris Del: Pop over to the reception desk and give my Grandad a bell; he was a chef at the Throat, Nose and Ear 'ospical. He'll whack up a main course.

Violins: ZINGY-ZENG-ZENG-ZHM-ZHM-ZUM!

Beard Grandad: Ladies and gen'lemen, so sorry to have kept you waiting.



Beard Grandad: Do you like your Christmas pudding reaaallly well-done?

Lorry Sybil: What about my surprise paella, Grandad Trotter?

Beard Grandad: Erm... Spanish omelette is orff.

Christopher Biggins: Oooh, what a tremendous evening. And you can have a tremendous evening, too. Reserve a table for £20 and consume lukewarm grub from our 5-star menu. Don't be a plonker - book online or via telephone.

[Glebe]

Heh, good old Biggins!

[Glebe]

FOOLSTY TOWERS: YOU WALLYDORF SALAD!



DINING ROOM.

FALSE SYBIL: Blah blah blah!

DINER: Fuck off.

AIN'T BAZ: Finished y'meals, Boyces?

MARLENE?: Them prawns ran off!

BOYCIE?: Givvaz a cappla lambs!

OLD WOMAN DINER #1: Me steak is gristly!

OLD WOMAN DINER #2: Maybe it's part of the dining experience joke?

SHE IS MEANT TO BE RAQUEL: Say something about our food-delay!

HE IS DEL?: Nah we're leavin' tamorrah! Oh alright... 'ere, Manuel, we ordered a cappla ruby marrays!

HE AIN'T MANUEL: ¡Sí Señor! Two salads with flies in, coming up!

AIN'T BAZ: He's a hopeless amateur actor, isn't he? We paid his fare from Barcelona and all!

SHE IS MEANT TO BE RAQUEL: There is sugar in the salt cellar you div.



BOYCIE?: The lambs! The lambs! The Silence of the Lambs!

AIN'T BAZ: Just gonna bring 'em out to reception! Oh hello, woman!

RECEPTION.

OFAH YESTERDAY NEVER COMES MIRANDA?: Hello, I am playing Miranda from the Only Fools and Horses episode 'Yesterday Never Comes!' There's a room booked under my new husband's name, 'Ochetti'!

BOYCIE?: Could we 'ave our cold lambs, please?

RICO OCHETTI?: What a fucking lousy drive from London on the wrong side of the M5... shit weather, small car!

AIN'T BAZ: What a load of rubbish?

RICO?: You mean 'garbage', buddy? Anyway, we wanna freshen up with a drink and dinner please.

AIN'T BAZ: Dinner durst stop at nine. I can do yaz a sambo in bed?

RICO?: Y'jokin'! Here's a score, get Terry to make din-dins!



KITCHEN.

AIN'T BAZ: Here Terry, make food for yank and wife!

NON-TERRY: Sowwee Mistah Fowlty, goh tah do me karate!

AIN'T BAZ: I'll give thee a pittance!

NON-TERRY: Tell yah wot, two weeks wages!

NON-POL: Come on Terry, your Finnish crumpet is waiting!

AIN'T BAZ: Why you... push off!

LOBBY.

NON-POL: Come on Terry honey, we're leaving!

HE AIN'T MANUEL: I come too, with my umbrella!

DINING ROOM.

AIN'T BAZ: Rico and Miranda, please take your seats!

RICO?: Give us a scotch and two Black & Decker screwdrivers, pal. Hope we're not intruding on your dinner there, Syb!

FALSE SYBIL: By you're accent, I judge thee to be an American! Yet she is English!

MIRANDA?: Yes, as I explained earlier, I am supposed to be Miranda from OFAH ep 'Yesterday Never Comes', and I am supposed to have married Rico Ochetti from the second part of 'Miami Twice'! We live in Florida and go skiing and swimming in the mountains!

AIN'T BAZ: I prefer the gloom of the English Riviera!

RICO?: Burt Lancaster is rumoured to have a palm tree! Here, these scotches are concentrated!

MIRANDA?: I am sorry for my husband, you see in Florida, freshly-squeezed oranges come out of a tap! Oh, I see you are reading David Jason's biography!

FALSE SYBIL: Yes, I've been reading it since I married my husband in the fourteenth century!

AINT BAZ: She likes to get her thrills under the hairdryer! Not a fan of Jason, btw! Transatlantic porn-tripe!

RICO?: We are both fans of the actor David Jason.

AIN'T BAZ: Oh I thought you meant Jason Statham!

RICO?: Well enough of this gay banter, can you make me a Wallydorf salad? It's eggplant, hot dogs, mayo sauce, Paulie Walnuts!

AIN'T BAZ: I can do you some grapefruit pâté instead!

RICO?: Nah mate Wallydorf salad or gtfo. And some vino and filleted Miggins out of a bottle to follow! Didn't pay yah twenty quid for nowt!

FALSE SYBIL: Pardon my ears, did you say you gave me husband twenty squids?

RICO?: Yeah, he needs it! You amateur actors are paid fuck-all!

AIN'T BAZ: Soz mate what was the ingredients again?

RICO?: Celiac apples, ooh me grapes! In a Walnut Whip!

KITCHEN.

AIN'T BAZ : Come on, chef! Get things right!

FALSE SYBIL: May I distract you from your vegetable box rummaging to esquire as to your £20 scam, Baz?

AIN'T BAZ: The amateur playing Terry legged it, now I have to prepare an apple party with a sliced-up hippo in a suitcase sauce!

DINERS: Ha, eh?!

FALSE SYBIL: I shall prepare said-salad!

AIN'T BAZ: Wait!

DINING ROOM.

AIN'T BAZ: Oi, Rico, ever tried a Ritz crackers salad?

RICO?: Nay, an' I nevah will, now give us me Wallydorf salad!

AIN'T BAZ: We're all out of wallies, but at least we're lucky to be alive!

RICO?: WHAT A BUNCHA FUCKING CRAP! I've order salads in hotels all over the world, but I wouldn't board my boarder collie in this crumb-bum dump!

MARLENE? (popping her head in): Me and Boycie wouldn't board Dukey here!

RICO?: Come on, manager, lay things on the line! Bust his ass!

FALSE SYBIL: Here you are, a Wallydorf and a nice greens salad!

AIN'T BAZ (in KITCHEN): This isn't good enough chef, I'll break y'bottom!

RICO?: Your chef been with y'long?

FALSE SYBIL: He used to work at the Dorchester!

MIRANDA?: At the famous Dorchester hotel, not the county?

FALSE SYBIL: Nay, Miranda, 'at' the county!

AIN'T BAZ: Where'd you get that Wallydorf? Give it here!

KITCHEN.

FALSE SYBIL: Basil, what da fuq is goin on?

AIN'T BAZ: How'd you make that Wallydorf salad?

FALSE SYBIL: Rodney Trotter here helped me, he's a expert in all things 'wally'!

GUY PLAYING RODNEY: That's right, Syb! (ROD slaps SYB's bum)

FALSE SYBIL: Take that! (SYB bashes ROD's head in)

AIN'T BAZ: Tis' only fair that Rodders should apologies for not providing his wally knowledge sooner!

GUY PLAYING RODNEY: I will cover the bruise caused by Sybil with this prop hat from Goodnight Sweetheart!



DINING ROOM.

MIRANDA?: Oh hello, Derek's brother! My gosh, you look just like Gary Sparrow!

GUY PLAYING RODNEY: Guy playing Rodney... dear Mr. and Mrs. Ochetti, I apologize for not helping Baz and Syb out sooner, RE: my knowledge of wallyness including the preparation of a Wallydorf salad! Rico? Hey Del's brother, you've got the script written down there-

RICO?: Hey, Del's brother, you've got the script written down there!

GUY PLAYING RODNEY: No I ain't! Rodney reacts. Er...

MIRANDA?: And now smoke durst emerge from yon kitchen.

RICO?: Yeah, I got a coupla guys to firebomb it.

GUY PLAYING RODNEY: Cos-mic... cos-bladdy-mic! (ROD legs it)

KITCHEN.

RICO?: Wot dah fuck yah doin yah fuckin nutbar?

AIN'T BAZ: May I introduce Terry oh he's fucked off.

DINING ROOM.

RICO?: Come, honey, we leave!

LOBBY.

AIN'T BAZ: Sorry, Terry gone done a legger!

RICO?: You think I'm a ball of butter, pal? You told the amateur Terry to hop it and nabbed that tasty note for y'self!

A crowd gathers.

RICO?: What I am simply suggesting is that this is the crummiest, shittiest public waste dump in the whole of Western Europe and that you are a tourist-board Donald Duck!

HE IS MAJOR: I won't have it! There's a shithole in Eastbourne with a tourist-board Donald!

AIN'T BAZ: You speak Nonsense, Rico! This dining experience has had literally billions of satisfied customers! You're satisfied, ain't yah, Major? Miss Tibbs and Miss Gatsby?

HE IS MAJOR: Aye!

SHE IS MISS TIBBS: We concur!

SHE IS MISS GATSBY: We cameoed in OFAH, by the way!

BOYCIE?: Oi ain't satified, mate!

MARLENE?: Neevur ahm oi!

AIN'T BAZ: Yeah but you're never satisfied, Marlene - Boycie can't even get it up, heh!

MARLENE?: Rude.

RICO?: Stay on that spot Baz and I'll bust your ass!

SHE IS MEANT TO BE RAQUEL: This is worse than the Hilton where Derek Duvall took me!

HE IS DEL?: Yeah, me ruby marray woz cold!

RICO?: Don Ochetti? Is it really you, pops?

HE IS DEL?: Nah don't start that now, mate.

MARLENE?: Prawns were off!

OLD LADIES: Tough steaks! Tough steaks!

DINER: And the radiator in my room has not been fixed, come on. I mean, I know that's not the fault of the dining experience cast, but there y'go.

RICO?: 'Satisfied customers', ah? Just lemme fix y'tie there, Baz... HOT DOGS!



AIN'T BAZ: This is typical of the kind of busted ARSE I have to put up with from you cast! You ponce about while I'm trying to run a
dining experience here! This is how wars begin! I'm off... adios, amigo! Give my regards to Broad Street!

OUTSIDE.

AIN'T BAZ: Ah fuck it's rainy!

LOBBY.

AIN'T BAZ: Right, Sybil, I want bed and breakfast with lashings and lashings of ginger beer!

DINER: On behalf of my fellow diners, we are not satisfied with this dining experience!

RICO?: Order ten taxis, I'll pay for 'em!

[Ferris]

Wonderful

[Glebe]

Wonderful

Thanks Ferris!

[Glebe]

LOUNGE.

UNCONVINCING BAZ: You join us in the lounge ladies and gentlemen!

NOT MARLENE: Aubrey's upstairs doin' a seance with Elsie Partridge, I'm lookin' after our dog Duke down here! Dukey loves his peppas, waldorfs and cheesy puffs, don't you Dukey-Wookey?

A MINOR MAJOR: By Jove, he's a right little shit, Sue (Holderness)!

UNCONVINCING BAZ: What's that smell? We'll blame it on the Dukey... open the windows, Manuel!

AIN'T SYB: Oh hello Doctor Sausages, would you like some sausages?

DOCTOR SAUSAGES: Yes please!

AIN'T SYB: Well they're off, I'll do you some ham sangers instead!

OLD GREYBEARD: I'm off to bed with this younger woman!

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Sorry to keep you from your shagging, goodnight!

RECEPTION.

DEL?: Well here oi am at reception, with Sir Richard Attenborough, Avon from Blake's 7 and Juliet Bravo!

NOT SIR RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH: Heh, I suppose I do look like the late Sir Richard, but them pair ain't nothing like Avon nor Bravo!

DEL?: Anyway, oi've got a tatch of Delhi-belly but I'll see you for our business meeting in da morning!

AIN'T SYB: Oh hello Mr. Lehman Brothers... oh wait no sorry, Mr. Trotter! How are you?

DEL?: Not too well, Syb, think I 'ad a dodgy ruby!

AIN'T SYB: I'll have a hot piña colada sent up!

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Goodnight!

DEL?: *ignores*

UNCONVINCING BAZ: I said goodnight!

DEL?: Oh yeah right mate wotevah.

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Didn't hurt, did it? Manners! Rude bastard!

DEL?: 'ere lav, can oi 'ave breakfast in bed?

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Why can't you join us for breakfast? Had an unfortunate hang-gliding accident?

AIN'T SYB: Ignore my husband, yes of course Derek... how about some kippers?

DEL?: Ooh laverly, I 'ad kippers for tea in America!

UNCONVINCING BAZ: We'll bring 'em up in a Chippendale cabinet for yah! If you leave your mouth open, I can toss in some jellied eels! BASIL! (slaps own wrist)

DINING ROOM.

DR. SAUSAGES: It's breakfast time here in the dining room! Hit me with some lovely sossies, Pol!

NOT MARLENE: Get Dukey some tepid steaks and vitamins, Manuel!

KITCHEN.

UNCONVINCING BAZ: 'ere Syb, these kippers is out of date!

TERRY?: They're owight, Mistah Fowlty!

DINING ROOM.

MANUEL?: Here's your steaks and that. Ow, Dukey, he bite me!

NOT POLLY: Ow, he's bitten me too! I'll cut them steaks up in the kitchen!

KITCHEN.

NOT POL: I'll fuck some tabasco on these steaks, make Dukey go BANG!

DEL?'S ROOM.

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Well here I am in Del's room 'upstairs', diners... morning Del, bloody socialism, eh? Okay then don't answer me you ignorant chav!

LOBBY.

NOT POL: Alright Baz mate you forgot Del's piña colada, I'll just pop it up to him!

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Right-ho, Polly!

KITCHEN.

UNCONVINCING BAZ: 'ere Syb, you're mate Del said nowt to me! Hello? Anybody? Ah sod you lot, I'm off to hit some of these diners!

DINERS: HAHAHA!!

DINING ROOM.

NOT MARLENE: Dukey's well un'appy wiv them tabasco steaks!

KITCHEN.

NOT POL: Mrs. Fawlty, Del's snuffed it!

AIN'T SYB: Oh bugger let's have a look, then!

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Marlene's dog's not in the best of form!

MANUEL?: He's carked it!

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Heh, Boycie won't be too pleased!

TERRY?: No, Mistah Fowlty... 'tis Del what went for a burton when ye gave 'im them kippers!

UNCONVINCING BAZ: OH BUGGERING SHIT!



DEL?'S ROOM.

UNCONVINCING BAZ: I will go to prison for murdering Del-Boy!

NOT POL: 'es been dead for yonks, ain't touched no kippers!

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Oh joy! Oh frabjous day! Isn't it wonderful?!

AIN'T SYB: Here's the dead-Del, Doc Sossies!

DR. SAUSAGES: Let me just check his wallet for next of kin... here, he has a picture of my son in his wallet!

DEL? (momentarily back alive): I fought Freddy dah Frog woz me 'alf-brovvah's dad!

DR. SAUSAGES: Well he was my son in Carla Lane's Butterflies! Anyway, who found Del?

NOT POL: Er... I did?

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Just fuck this kipper out the window... uh well I found him first.

DR. SAUSAGES: And you didn't realize that he'd joined the choir invisible?

UNCONVINCING BAZ: STOP LOOKING AT ME!

AIN'T SYB: Got kipper in your jumper mate. Anyhoo, I'll phone Mr. Jahan, the undertakers.

LOBBY.

AIN'T SYB: Stick Del in the office, love, would you?

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Right... oh morning Miss Gatsby, Del just bought the farm!

DOES NOT LOOK LIKE MISS GATSBY: Wicked!

LANDING.

NOT POL: All clear!

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Right... let's get Del's corpse downstairs, Manuel!

THIS IS ELSIE PARTRIDGE?: Oh hello my dears, I was just doing a seance with Boycie in the other room... oh, I see you have Del's body under a sheet there, AARRRRGGGGHHHH!!

BOYCIE?: Oi am hee-yah! Wot's goin' on?!

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Quick! Slap 'em unconscious!

DINERS: OOOOHHHH!!

REAL HOTEL STAFF: Excuse me, two of the diners have been taken ill.

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Oh great, two down, 25 to go! Anyway, back to the experience! Oh here come people... let's shove this lot in this room here!



LLEWELLYN FROM THE GREEN GREEN GRASS?: Hel-lo there, Llewellyn from The Green Green Grass here, with my new wife, Gladys from Hi-De-Hi!

GLADYS?: HI-DE-HI!, DINERS!

DINERS: HO-DE-HO!

LLEWELLYN?: Just need to get sam-thing in our rrroom, we're off to Leek House, you see!

NOT POL: Nah it's being cleaned, mate.

LLEWELLYN?: LET US IN, FAWLTY!

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Oh alright, ffs.

LLEWELLYN? AND GLADYS? ROOM.

LLEWELLYN?: I huah moaning frrrom that cupboard, is it?

THIS IS ELSIE PARTRIDGE? (in cupboard): Is there anybody there?

MANUEL?: Here's the key mate let 'em out.

THIS IS ELSIE PARTRIDGE?: There's a lion and a witch in there! Oh wait it's a cupboard, not a wardrobe!

NOT POL: DEL'S ARM IS STICKING OUT OF THE CUPBOARD!

GLADYS?: Oh, hold me, Jeffrey! Er, I mean Clive! I mean Llewellyn!

LLEWELLYN?: Del? Not the Trotter brothers, Del and Rrrrrodney, is it? Farmer Boyce's chums?

BOYCIE: Yes, and oi am in hee-yah too!

MANUEL? (dancing and singing): I like to be in Amer-ica! Kippers for tea in Amer-ica!



THIS IS ELSIE PARTRIDGE?'S ROOM.

THIS IS ELSIE PARTRIDGE?: Ooh, it were 'orrible, Mrs. Fawlty! I shall have strong words with the actor playing Basil!

AIN'T SYB: Yeah, the whole experience is a bit creepy, mind you.

RECEPTION.

LLEWELLYN?: I rang Farmer Boyce, Gladys, we can kip at his gaff!

UNCONVINCING BAZ: All clear! Let's pop Del in the office Manuel!



OFFICE.

HE IS GRANDDAD: Mornin', Fowlty... wod 'appened to Del-Boy?

UNCONVINCING BAZ: He ate poisoned kippers, Granddad. He had had them in America.

HE IS GRANDDAD: 'e ain't nevah been to America, as 'e? We phoned Tim the Talking Clock in America, wance... it's amazing!

MANUEL?: I recognize you, you were gun-runner during war!

HE IS GRANDDAD: Yeah, Franco nearly 'ad us shot!

RECEPTION.

ERNIE FROM OFAH EPISODE 'CHAIN GANG': Hi I'm Ernie from the OFAH episode 'Chain Gang', I would like to book a room - oh and send up some poisoned kippers!

AIN'T SYB: Certainly, Ernie, my husband will deal with this - BASIL?!?

ERNIE: Alright Baz I'm booking a room oh yeah fancy buying some dodgy gold chains? Two grand.

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Here Polly you give him the cash. The password is 'Dragonfly'.

ERNIE'S ROOM.

ERNIE: Now to pretend to cark it and have my sons collect me in an ambadulance. Wonderful.



LOBBY.

DR. SAUSAGES: I've not had me sossies yet!

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Oh yeah I'll burn 'em for yah now.

THIS IS ELSIE PARTRIDGE?: I want a word with you, amateur Basil! SCREECH! Del's corpse awaits in the office!

NOT POL: Ernie's snuffed it an' all! I've got his body here, let's sneak him out!



OUTSIDE.

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Fuck, this intensely complicated dining experience is bringing my drinking problem back on! (swigs from bottle)

LLEWELLYN? (in car with GLADYS?): Another corpse?! Yikes, I'm going to crash, boyo!

LOBBY.

MARLENE?: Dukey's got pukey!

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Quick, let's stick Del and Ernie in the on-fire kitchen!

KITCHEN.

DR. SAUSAGES: You can't stick Del and Ernie in here! Please wash your hands and put them in a basket! Then scrub this kitchen down with luminous yellow tunnel paint! Don't mind me, I'll risk the sossies!

DINING ROOM.

MANUEL?: Breakfast is over Doctor Kippers!

DR. SAUSAGES: I'm Doctor Sausages and I want my sausages!

UNCONVINCING BAZ: I'll just poke this twit in the eye for you.

MANUEL?: Ow that really hurt mate.



RECEPTION.

NOT SIR RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH: Hello, where is Mr. Trotter?

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Hmmm, let me just sit on this basket and ponder!

NOT JULIET BRAVO: We've come to collect him!

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Oh I didn't realize ye were the body collectors! He's in the basket with Ernie!

NOT AVON FROM BLAKE'S 7: What on Earth are you talking about?

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Here look... oh fuck, they're gone!



OUTSIDE.

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Stop, laundrymen, stop!

LOBBY.

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Phew, that was close!

NOT AVON: You misunderstand, we collect Mister Trotter for meeting!

NOT POL: Mister Trotter? We thought you said 'linen!'

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Brilliant! Here Sybil, sort this lot out while we shove the corpses upstairs!

LANDING.

HE IS GRANDDAD: Another one, Fawlty?

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Yeah Del's mate Ernie! Not that room, Manuel, Dirty Barry's in there with a dangerous blow-up doll!

LLEWELLYN? AND GLADYS?'S ROOM.

GLADYS?: Get out of hyuh with them corpses!

NOT POLL: Just fuck a duvet over yeh.

LLEWELLYN?: Now there's lovely!

LOBBY.

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Dunno where to pop these pair... Dr. Sos is in the kitchen, makin' his sossies!

MANUEL?: I no more want to act in this experience! I quit!

AIN'T SYB: Now I have explained all, I am so sorry, people!

NOT SIR RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH: No problem! I'll just get me hat!

NOT POL: Manuel's in the basket?

MANUEL?: YOU ARE A GIANT SCAB!

NOT SIR RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH: I want me fucking hat pal.

THIS IS ELSIE PARTRIDGE?: I wanna word with you, mate!

LLEWELLYN?: The fuck is going on?

MARLENE?: Dukey's popped his clogs! Oh wait no he's just taken sleeping pills!

DR. SAUSAGES: These sausages have gorn orf!

DINER: On behalf of all diners, I want to complain about the actor playing Basil's behaviour!

UNCONVINCING BAZ: Here's the laundrymen again, I'm off in a laundry basket, Syb will explain all!

HE IS GRANDDAD: Alright Del's corpse, what's going on?

THIS IS ELSIE PARTRIDGE?: SCREAM! And look, Ernie's corpse too!

AIN'T SYB: ACTOR PLAYING BASIL! ACTOR PLAYING BASIL! ACTOR PLAYING BASIL! ACTOR PLAYING BASIL!

UNCONVINCING BAZ goes off with the laundry!

[Glebe]

KITCHEN.

AMATEUR POLLY: I've asked that amateur Basil for my £100 wages these past few weeks but the cheapskate's nay bothered to give it me!

AMATEUR TERRY: You and me practically run this crap dining experience!

AMATEUR MANUEL: Here's your paint brushes to paint the amateur sets, Polly!

AMATEUR POL: Wot yah got there, 'Manuel'?

AMATEUR MANUEL: I got ingredients for a paella for the experience guests!

ENTER UNHAPPY AMATEUR SYBIL.

AMATEUR POLLY: What up, actress who plays Sybil?

AMATEUR SYBIL: It is the 15th anniversary of me and my husband, who as you know is the actor who plays amateur Basil and helps me run this dining experience, yet he has forgot!

AMATEUR POLLY: Perhaps he got confused because it also happens to be the 15th anniversary of the dining experience?

ENTER AMATEUR BASIL.

AMATEUR BASIL (singing) : Wom pom pom... (stops singing) That's 'Ode to Joy'!

AMATEUR POL: Thought it was the theme to Postman Pat!

AMATEUR BAZ: Oh look we got a review in today's paper: 'Worst dining experience EVER, WOULD NOT RECOMMEND'!

AMATEUR SYB: Do you know what day it is, Basil?

AMATEUR BAZ: I cannoot remember!

AMATEUR SYB: You can say that line again!

AMATEUR BAZ: No I can't, I've forgotten my lines!

AMATEUR SYB storms out.

AMATEUR POL: Have you forgotten you got married on the same day you first started doing this experience with your wife, amateur Basil actor?

AMATEUR BAZ: Nah just winding her up. Our oldest dining experience diners - who are of course obsessed with Fawlty Towers and (to a much lesser extent) Only Fools and Horses are coming for a special private dining experience today... they are such big fans they - by coincidence - had their names changed by deed poll after characters from the 'The Anniversary' episode! They'll be here in a minute!

AMATEUR POL: Oh yeah, could you give us the wages you owe me? I want to buy a car to drive away and escape this experience.

AMATEUR BAZ: I CANNOT AFFORD TO PAY YOU BECAUSE THE DINING EXPERIENCE IS SUCH A FLOP!



LOBBY.

AMATEUR MISS TIBBS: Morning, amateur Mr. Fawlty!

AMATEUR MISS GATSBY: Can we join in on today's dining appearance?

AMATEUR BAZ: Nah, go away.

AMATEUR SYB: A word please, Baz. Do you know what today is?

AMATEUR: The 15th anniversary of the Battle of Agincourt? Oh wait, of course, it's the our 15th anniversary of our first dining experience!

AMATEUR SYB slaps AMATEUR BAZ.

AMATEUR TERRY: Mistah Fowlty, that amateur Manuel actor wonts ta cook paella for the dining guests! Oi can cook anyfink... Waldorf salads, ruby murrays, Franco's fritters!

AMATEUR SYB walks out of the dining experience.

AMATEUR MANUEL: Mr. Fawlty, your wife who play Sybil, she leave the dining experience!

AMATEUR BAZ: WHAT?!

OUTSIDE.

AMATEUR SYB drives off.

AMATEUR BAZ: Sybil actress and wife, wait! Now I must do a frustrated dance and pummel the tarmac!

DINER ROGER and DINER ALICE arrive in their car.

DINER ROGER: You alright, mate?

AMATEUR BAZ: Oh yeah just making sure the path is smooth for you arriving diners! Go on in!



LOBBY.

AMATEUR BAZ: What am I going to say, Polly actress?

AMATEUR POL: You could say that your wife and amateur Sybil actress is just playing her role and has left, like in the episode 'The Anniversary'?

AMATEUR BAZ: But confoundingly today's experience is supposed to include getting to meet her in the bar before the experience begins!

DINER ROG: Owight, Baz?

DINER ALICE: Any farcical problems?

AMATEUR BAZ: Polly has just advised me to tell you that Syb is sick as a parrot!

DINER ROG: Sick as a Norwegian Blue parrot? Oh yeah, Syb-ill! Baz-well! Take my wife, I'm hear all week folks!

AMATEUR MANUEL: Manuel-as well!

DINER ALICE: I'll just pop up and see infectious Sybil!

AMATEUR BAZ: No no she has a swollen head! Ooh me leg!

DINER ALICE: I'll give her a ring on me mobile!

AMATEUR BAZ: Lost her voice, innit.

DINER REG: Come on you lot, let us repair to the lounge!



LOUNGE.

DINER ALICE: Has Doctor Robbie been to see her, Baz actor?

AMATEUR BAZ: Nah mate.

DINER REG: Givvus a G+T, pal. They've had a row, Alice!

AMATEUR BAZ: NUTS!

DINER ALICE: Oh hello, the 'actress' who plays the amateur Polly!

AMATEUR POL: Hello, Una Stubbs wannabe! The doctor came this morning, didn't he, amateur Fawlty?

DINER REG: BUT YOU DID NOT SAY A DOCTOR HAD BEEN BAZ!

AMATEUR BAZ: No er... that was a dentist! Dentists do dine at crap amateur experiences, you know!

DINER REG: AND UP YOURS, BAZ!

DINER VIRGINIA: Hello, Baz actor man!

DINER ARTHUR: ...And it's 'Hello' from me!

DINER ROG: Syb-ill!

DINER VIRGINIA: But surely I can bring her up a sample of this lovely tin of marzipan cake with a rat in it?

DINER ROG: Nah, the dentist's had a look, marzipan ain't good for 'er teef!

AMATEUR: I am afraid she has lost the use of her vocal chords and has puffed up like a puff adder, Virginia!

AMATEUR MANUEL: Mr. Fawlty, I interrupt this conversation to inform you that I am arguing with Terry!

AMATEUR POL: Er the Mrs. Fawlty amateur has puffed-up... thighs?

DINER VIRGINIA: You wot, love?

AMATEUR BAZ: Er yeah, she's right, I'm afraid her legs have blown up and her eyes have puffed out!

DINER VIRGINIA: Well let's have a look, then!

AMATEUR BAZ: Syb-ill, Virginia!

DINER VIRGINIA: I nurse, Baz!

AMATEUR: Oh fuck I forgot.

DINER VIRGINIA: PLEASE LET ME GO BASIL YOU'RE SCARING ME!

AMATEUR POL: I think you ought to tell them that the dentist said she has seriously crazy gnashers, Baz.

DINER KITTY: Alright, you lot?

DINER REG: Evening, all!

AMATEUR BAZ: Syb ain't here lads.

DINER KITTY: There you are, you see? I saw her in town in your red Maxi. I can give you the registration number, if you like?

AMATEUR BAZ: That is another amateur actress that looks just like my wife except she is from a Northern dining experience.

DINER REG: Yeah mate and she stole your red Maxi that's not out there!

AMATEUR BAZ: It's at the garage Rog, you prick.

DINER VIRGINIA: Our Syb is in bed with a parrot!

DINER KITTY: Can't we pop our heads around her door?

DINER ARTHUR: We are your oldest dining experience diners, old chum! And we came all this way to do the shitty experience again!

AMATEUR BAZ: Well if you're not happy we can give you a refund!

DINER VIRGINIA: There is something very peculiar about this whole experience, 'Basil'!

AMATEUR BAZ: Are you lot taking notes on this dining experience or something? Look, it's fairly simple... Syb's gotten all puffed-up!

DINER REG: Yet how does one explain the Northern Sybil driving around town in y'red Maxi? Only jokin'! Or am I?

AMATEUR BAZ: Alright! Everyone upstairs! This is a fire drill!

DINER REG: Any more nuts goin'?

AMATEUR: You lot drink yourselves into oblivion, I'll be back in a minute... oh and say hello to Rodney and Cassandra, who celebrate their 31st anniversary this year!

AMATEUR CASSANDRA: Honestly, who's coming to these experiences in 2020?

AMATEUR RODNEY: Cos-mic... cos-bladdy-mic!

AMATEUR BAZ: C'mere, Polly!

LOBBY.

AMATEUR POL: Oh no!

AMATEUR BAZ wrestles AMATEUR POL upstairs.

LANDING.

AMATEUR BAZ: Stick sunglasses and wig on!



AMATEUR SYB and BAZ's BEDROOM.

AMATEUR POL: You're having a nervous breakdown, mate! I do not want to be in the Marx Brothers!

AMATEUR BAZ: I cannot do it as I have a giant bogey for a moustache!

AMATEUR POL: Get stuffed.

AMATEUR BAZ: I'll ruin you! You'll never work in an amateur dining experience in Torquay again!

AMATEUR POL: Must be fucking joking mate I virtually run this thing single-handedly!

DOOR: Knock-knock-knock!

AMATEUR BAZ: I FAKE A HEART-ATTACK!

AMATEUR POL: Okay then 100 for a car to escape this experience!

AMATEUR DEL: Oi mate, how long do we have ta stay in this wardrobe? We're gettin' a bit impatient to join this fackin' expewience!

LANDING.

AMATEUR BAZ: Da fuck you want, Manuel?

AMATEUR MANUEL: Terry call me wog, is no possible!

AMATEUR BAZ: STEP RIGHT UP, EVERYBODY! Syb's just doing her face.

DINER VIRGINIA: She's not applying make-up for the experience, is she?

AMATEUR BAZ: She thanks you vocally! I mean she wrote it on an SAE!

DINER ALICE: Fetch a fucking ashtray mate, would yah?

LOUNGE.

AMATEUR BAZ: I shall swig some booze!

AMATEUR MANUEL: MISTER FAWLTY IS NO GOOD oh sorry mate made y'spill booze on yer 'ead.

AMATEUR BAZ: VAMOS!



LANDING.

DINER ROG: This is great fun, who wants to play golf in the boozer when you can come to one of these shitty dining experiences?

DINER ALICE: ROGER ROGER!

DINER VIRGINIA: It can't be easy for him doing these experiences, Roger.

DINER ROG: You know what I think?

DINER KITTY: Hush now! Basil durst approach once more!

AMATEUR BAZ: Dining experience paella's not ready yet, so I brought yah some nuts! Whoops, spilled 'em!

DINER ALICE: I shall go on hand and knee to pick 'em up!

AMATEUR: You lot have some crisps!

DINER KITTY: Luverly, now get a fucking brush!

AMATEUR BAZ pops back downstairs.

DINER REG: The Basil Brush Show, vroom vroom!

DINER VIRGINIA: What did you mean by that, Rog?

DINER ROG: Uh whatever but anyway, I reckon they've had a row and the amateur Syb actress will not come out!

AMATEUR BAZ returns.

AMATEUR BAZ: Sorry folks, just had to throw Manuel into the kitchen!

DINER REG: She must be ready now, mate.

DINER ARTHUR: I've not said much in awhile!

DINER ROG: I want a choc ice! Nice carpet! I read a lot of Oscar Wilde! What time's the main experience?

AMATEUR BAZ: Ooh, I've fallen on me arse!

AMATEUR MAJOR: Anyone fancy sodding this experience off for a game of darts and going for a game of golf? Where's Syb?

AMATEUR BAZ: She's puffed up in bed, Major.

AMATEUR MAJOR: Oh right. I assume the OFAH amateurs are in there with her?

AMATEUR BAZ: Yes indeed, Major, everyone can watch from the door as the OFAH lot join the farce!



AMATEUR SYB and BAZ's BEDROOM.

AMATEUR MARLENE: Coo-ee!

AMATEUR CASS: The Groovy Gang's here!

AMATEUR BOYCIE: Ooh fuck I've dahn me ankle!

AMATEUR DEL: Where are da fackin' loights?

AMATEUR CASS: Ooh fuck, I've broke me arm!

AMATEUR RAQUEL: Here she is!

AMATEUR BAZ: I'll just draw the curtains!

AMATEUR POL: Nah mate.

AMATEUR MARLENE: 'ello, Syb!

AMATEUR ROD: Happy Anniversary! It's me and Cassie's anniversary this year too!

AMATEUR BOYCIE: Wot do you reckon to our amateur performances?

AMATEUR POL: *TWO THUMBS DOWN*

AMATEUR MARLENE: She looks swollen!

AMATEUR RAQUEL: LET HER EAT CAKE!

AMATEUR BAZ: Cuh, 15 years of doing this dining experience, eh? Anyway, Syb's shagged out!

AMATEUR DEL: Yes, I imagine all that royal waving must be exhausting!

AMATEUR CASS: Hang on, she's got cotton wool in her chops, like Marlon Brando as Don Corleone!

AMATEUR BAZ: Oooh fuck! I durst spy the real Sybil returning, in the red Maxi! Back in a minute, you lot chat with Syb!

AMATEUR DEL: Wot, is this the semaphore version of Fawlty Towers?!



LOBBY.

AMATEUR BAZ: Hello, dear wife and fellow-founder of this shite experience!

AMATEUR SYB: I just came back to get a golf club to hit you with, Baz amateur!

AMATEUR BAZ: Nice one! Now leave, I DO NOT WANT YOU TO STAY!

AMATEUR SYB gives AMATEUR BAZ another slap around the chops!

AMATEURS: YOU DO NOT EVEN WANT ME TO STAY, do you? To think of the better dining experiences I could be performing in... I won't forget how shite this experience was, Baz. Going now, for the best!

AMATEUR BAZ: Cheerio! Drive that red Maxi carefully!

AMATEUR SYB and BAZ'S BEDROOM.

AMATEUR RAQUEL: Just let me have a little feel of your glans, Syb!

AMATEUR POL punches AMATEUR RAQUEL.

AMATEUR RAQUEL: Ooh yee cow!

AMATEUR BAZ: Wat da fck?

AMATEUR RAQUEL: She lashed out, the vicious puff adder!

AMATEUR BAZ: Bad Sybil! Don't treat your fellow amateur actors like that!

AMATEUR BOYCIE: Right, we'd better go then! Marleeeene?!

AMATEUR SYB'S CAR.

AMATEUR AUBREY: Amateur Baz actors is all the same, Syb!

AMATEUR SYB: Ooh wait forgot me golf clubs!

LOBBY.

AMATEUR BAZ: Ta-rah, folks!

DINER ROG: Them amateur OFAH actors is in a right state! Anyway, we must do this experience more often!

ENTER AMATEUR SYB.

AMATEUR BAZ: Oh hello, Northern woman who looks exactly like my amateur actress wife who plays Sybil in this dining experience and also happens to drive a red Maxi! What a coincidence! Please let me lock you up in the kitchen where 'Manuel' and 'Terry' are killing each other!

DINER REG: Heh, this experience turned out to be great fun!

AMATEUR POLLY: They gone?

AMATEUR BAZ: Yep. Piece of marzipan cake! Now for the tricky bit of the experience!

[Fambo Number Mive]

Enjoying these

[Kryton]

Glebe <3

[Norton Canes]

Miscarriage, sorry. Not abortion.

[Kryton]

also dangledteeth <3

[Glebe]

As just one contributor to this thread, thanks, for my part for those kind words... I'm sure Danglers is working away on more stuff, I'm currently just putting the finishing touches to a kind of big finale (well, may do a few small posts after that!) that I've been working on!

[Glebe]

OFAH AMATEURS' FLAT.

AMATEUR ROD: We been arsked to wroite the script for tomorrow's experience, based on the episode 'Basil the Rat'! Fought maybe we could make it so that the rat is the hamster in the van in 'Fatal Extraction', heh!

AMATEUR DEL: Nah vat's stoopid, vat is! 'ow about... 'Basil the Rat is Loose in the City!' It could becahm a gioant mutant, and could be loike Spiny Norman in dah Floying Circus peering rand buildings and going "Dinsdale?" and vat! Or loike veh The Goodies' 'Kitten Kong'!

AMATEUR ROD: Oh viz is somefink else! A giant rat loose, totally impractical to stage for a dining experience, and Charlton Heston suspects the batlah Manuel!

AMATEUR DEL: Oi wish to put a bullet in yoor brain, Rodney! It'll be a disaster expewience, Rodney!

AMATEUR ROD: A 'disaster', it'll be a calamity of an experience! Alright, we'll go with your idea. Minus the 'special effects'!

AMATEUR BUSTER: Is it a wegetarian giant mutant Siberian rat hamster?

AMATEUR DEL AND ROD (in unison): SHAD AP!!!!

LATER - OUTSIDE EXPERIENCE HOTEL.

UNREAL BASIL and CONFUSING SYBIL emerge from car and enter LOBBY.

CONFUSING SYBIL: We have to rehearse for tomorrow's experience, blah blah moan!

UNREAL BASIL: Oh shut up!

LOBBY.

CONFUSING SYB: All my friends think you are a most peculiar amateur actor!

UNREAL BAZ: Yoo wot?



KITCHEN.

IT'S MR. CARNEGIE THE PUBLIC HEALTH INSPECTOR: Hmmm, these meats in the fridge are on the turn!

UNREAL BAZ: Alright pal? Fancy some bin waste with that? Syb, may I introduce-

IT'S CARNEGIE: -Mr. Carnegie, Public Health Scavenger, at your service!

POOR POLLY: Here's the script, Mr. Carnegie! It's pretty bad, tbh!

FALSE TERRY enters and runs out.

UNREAL BAZ: That was our chef, Terry, who in the actual series was played by Brian Hall - Carnegie, meet Hall, hah! How do you get to Carnegie Hall... practice!

INSPECTOR: Your amateur gags need 'practice' mate! This hotel fails all inspections... lack of clean things, greasy, stained, mouldy, cracked kitchen! Dangerous foods hanging above us! Dirty, smokey, grubby, marked shitty hotel! And two pigeons in the water tank!

UNREAL BAZ: Mate we're just the dining experience!

IT'S CARNEGIE: Oh soz! Still, if I find out this dining experience has not been officially sanctioned, I will notify the BBC and they will prosecute. I return on the morrow... by the way, the only gourmets who scavenge from such a kitchen are kamikaze pilots!

BAZ: Eh?!

IT'S CARNEGIE leaves!

FALSE TERRY: Fought we woz in trable ver! Piece a cake!

UNREAL BAZ: Have you read this problematic piece of trouble-cake script?! And we cannot serve no diners from this filthy kitchen!

FALSE TERRY: The best kitchen's are dangerously unhygienic! Ever read George Orwell's 1984?

CONFUSING SYB: Do not stand idle and gossip for we must get cleaning and get pigeons out of tank! Come Polly, we start in here!

POOR POL: Scram, puss!

PUSS: Meow!



BLEAK MANUEL'S ROOM.

BLEAK MANUEL (playing guitar and singing): BARCELONA!

UNREAL BAZ: No time for practicing Freddy Mercury songs, health inspector here, go to roof tank and get pigeons!

BLEAK MANUEL: Hahaha, pigs might fly?

UNREAL BAZ: NOT porkers, pigeons! Like your strange pigeon language! Fuck me you've got a rat there!

BLEAK MANUEL: Nah mate it's a hamster.

UNREAL BAZ: Didn't Franco have all hamster's executed?

BLEAK MANUEL: Granddad Trotter is down for the weekend, buy it for me in Louis' pet shop in London! Some kind of filleted Siberian rat-hamster! Only five squids he pay!

UNREAL BAZ: Ever hear of the bubonic plague? A load of Siberian hamsters came over and gave it us! It's got to go, cuddle this your guitar abilities may decrease!

LANDING.

BLEAK MANUEL: He must remain Fawlty!

UNREAL BAZ: Now look. The actual hotel owners do not allow real rats, we must use a fake one for the dining experience!

NON-MISS TIBBS and NON-MISS GATSBY (in unison): Good morning, Mr. Fawlty!

BLEAK MANUEL: Don't take me hamster!

NON-MISS GATSBY: Let him keep that fucking hamster, for fuck's sake!

NON-MISS TIBBS: ARGGHH, IT'S A FUCKING RAT! Run for it, Tibbs!

LOBBY.

UNREAL BAZ: DON'T PANIC FOLKS! Just getting shot of a Siberian ratster!

BLEAK MANUEL: Polly, Mr. Fawlty thinks me hamster's a rat!

POOR POL: Prepare to be AMAZED, Manuel!



KITCHEN.

CONFUSING SYB: You mean to tell me that Granddad Trotter bought Manuel that rat and nay fucker's been none the wiser? Away with it!

UNREAL BAZ: You state the bleedin' obvious, woman! I shall release it from it's bondage!

CONFUSING SYB: That fucker's domestic, Baz.

UNREAL BAZ: I shall place an ad in the papers: Giant, mutant rat-woman, answers to name of 'Sybil the Amateur Actress'!

BLEAK MANUEL: Mrs. Fawlty, if that rat leaves the experience, I leave the experience!

UNREAL BAZ: Here's your redundancy money, mate bye!

CONFUSING SYB: Maybe it would be easier to have that amateur Manuel put to S-L-E-E-P?

BLEAK MANUEL: BLEEPS!

POOR POL: My mate will look after it for yah!

OUTSIDE.

POOR POL and BLEAK MANUEL carry yon rat away!

NEXT DAY - KITCHEN.

CONFUSING SYB: Polly, Terry - everyone learned their lines? Out, puss!

PUSS: Meow!

UNREAL BAZ: All ready? Oh cheer up, Manuel mate! And get rid of this other, 'mutant' rat I found!

BLEAK MANUEL: Take your fucking hands off me pal! Always you hit me... I'm going to the police!

UNREAL BAZ: Cow eyes!

CONFUSING SYB: He's depressed because the experience is so shit.

UNREAL BAZ: You must stamp out this depression, otherwise you wake up unable to face life anymore!

CONFUSING SYB: Then you will set up a dining experience!



UNREAL BAZ goes into DINING ROOM.

POOR POL: Not so much overacting, Manuel!

BLEAK MANUEL: Terry, give me some fillet mignons!

FALSE TERRY breaks Fourth Wall and peers out to see if any diners have arrived yet!

YARD.

BLEAK MANUEL: Fuck off, cat! I go to shed!

SHED.

BLEAK MANUEL: BASIL? BASIL THE SIBERIAN RAT-HAMSTER? I got a nice bit of cuttlefish for you when you wake up!

RECEPTION.

BOB HOPE LOOKALIKE: Say fellas, I don't wanna buy Polly's crap picture!

POOR POL: YOU BASTARD!

BLEAK MANUEL: Polly, BASIL THE RAT IS LOOSE IN THE CITY OF TORQUAY!

POOR POL: YOU DAGOBAH DOJO!

UNREAL BAZ: Good one Polly, snap that bad actor out of it! Oh hello Granddad Trotter, enjoying your stay?

HE'S GRANDDAD TROTTER: Yeah, fought I'd cam dahn to the English Riviera for a break from Del an' Rodney! How's Manuel getting on wiv dah rat I bought 'im? Canary woz too expensive!

UNREAL BAZ: We fucked that rat out, Granddad! Oh by the way here's the morning paper with your script hidden inside!



LOUNGE.

HE'S GRANDDAD sits down. The rat is on the table.

HE'S GRANDDAD: Blimey! There is a rat loose in the lounge! Don't move mate I'll go get the Major - have some nuts!

LOBBY.

HE'S GRANDDAD runs upstairs.

KITCHEN.

UNREAL BAZ: Terry, I want you to put these plastic flowers in the dishwasher.

FALSE TERRY: Eh?!

LOBBY.

HE'S GRANDDAD has brought the FAKE MAJOR down with his gun!

HE'S GRANDAD: He's in here, Major!

UNREAL BAZ: WTF?

LOUNGE.

UNREAL BAZ: Need any help lads? Don't shoot no Germans, Major, 'tis illegal now!

FAKE MAJOR: Granddad Trotter was sitting on the table enjoying his nuts if y'please when he saw a German with a tail!

HE'S GRANDDAD: Nah Major, a rat! It's gone, but LOOK, oi 'ave fans anovvah, somewhat bigger rat!

UNREAL BAZ: Fuck me, the other, 'mutant' rat! Get rid of that Granddad and I'll hunt the little Siberian hamster-rat!



KITCHEN.

FALSE TERRY: Oh hello, Mistah Fowlty! Oi'm jast searching for the rat... OI MEAN I dropped me script behoind dah fridge!

DINING ROOM.

POOR POL is looking under table.

POOR POL: Yoo dirdy rat! Got to find him him before the diners come in! BASIL? Oh this is so cheesy!

UNREAL BAZ: Gimme that cheeeese, Gromit! Your fake American accent is terrible! 'Oh I gotta friend who'll look after him, Mr. Fawl'dy!'

BLEAK MANUEL: I too have been searching under tables.

FALSE TERRY: You got 'im?

UNREAL BAZ: Searching behind a fridge, eh? Health inspector's gonna shut down the hotel, no venue for the experience!

POOR POL: That rat has 'homed'.

FALSE TERRY: Amazing creatures... scout's honour, dib-dib!

UNREAL BAZ: I WILL FILLET YOU! Now let's have a little mouse hunt, I'll sack you all from the experience later!



KITCHEN.

UNREAL BAZ: Right, I'll just put some rat poison on this piece of veal and pop it on the floor!

LOBBY.

UNREAL BAZ: Now to stalk over to Reception like a hunching gorilla!

CONFUSING SYB: Stop hiding behind the desk, Basil! Oh good morning, Mr. Carnegie!

IT'S CARNEGIE: Yo Syb, I'll check on them flying pigs in the water tank first!

GUN: BANG! BANG!

IT'S CARNEGIE: I durst hear a rifle!

UNREAL BAZ: It is an explosive telly!

POOR POL: Don't mind me, I'm just butterfly hunting with a giant net!

LOUNGE.

FAKE MAJOR: I saw that rat nibblin' them nuts!

UNREAL BAZ: Never mind them nuts-

FAKE MAJOR: Oooff! He's kneed me in me flesh-nuts!

UNREAL BAZ: I'll pop this gun away folks!

RECEPTION.

UNREAL BAZ: Sorry, the Major was just shooting starlings through the window!

IT'S CARNEGIE: Is the Major licensed? 'Tis not good health and safety!

BLEAK MANUEL: Everything alright, lads?

POOR POL: The Major was just doing bit shooting Manuel.

BLEAK MANUEL: THE MAJOR TRY TO KILL BASIL MY PET SIBERIAN RAT-HAMSTER?!

POOR POL: He's in Ratatouille!

BLEAK MANUEL: BASIL THE RAT IS IN PIXAR'S RATATOUILLE?!? ARRGGHH!!!

BLEAK MANUEL runs into KITCHEN, POOR POL follows!

CONFUSING SYB: He did amateur acting classes in Barcelona, Mr. Carnegie!

KITCHEN.

BLEAK MANUEL: Polly say Basil is in the animated film Ratatouille, Terry!

FALSE TERRY: Oi 'aven't seen Pixar's bleedin' Ratatouille! Givvus the veal Pol!

BLEAK MANUEL: I must find him! Whoops I knock good veal on floor with poison veal!

FALSE TERRY: Coh blimey help me pick these knocked-over veals ap Pol!

LOBBY.

UNREAL BAZ: Sorry for damaging y'balls, Major! No mention of rat inspectors!

FAKE MAJOR: But Fawlty, how did Clarice Starling get into the bar?

UNREAL BAZ: Say goodnight to the diners, Major!

KITCHEN.

UNREAL BAZ: What's the story, Terry man? Oh get the fuck out of it puss!

PUSS: Meow!

POOR POL: I'll just bring these veals out to the hungry diners!

UNREAL BAZ: Just put this chewed veal on the shelf... oh by the way, Terry, where's that poisonous floor-veal?

FALSE TERRY: Oi picked a load of 'em off dah floah!

UNREAL BAZ: Aw fuck me one of 'ems poisonous!



DINING ROOM.

UNREAL BAZ: Hello, diners! Sorry, these substitute veals have gone off!

NOT PETER BOWLES: I though they were 'veally' good, hah!

ANDREW SACHS WIFE?: Husband, that joke was in 'The Germans'!

UNREAL BAZ: In any case I must exchanged these veals... *whisper, whisper, Polly, they're poisoned veals!*

POL: That's veal is made from Japanese soya-cows, folks, fancy something else?! OH BY THE WAY, watch out for that other 'giant', 'mutant' rat! Where are they all coming from?!

KITCHEN.

UNREAL BAZ: Oooh no inspector's in here!

DINING ROOM.

NOT PETER BOWLES: Beaujolais, Beaujolais, arriba, arriba!

KITCHEN.

UNREAL BAZ: Just grab that Beaujolais for Bowles!

CONFUSING SYB: Hears the legal rights from the BBC, Mr. Carnegie!

IT'S CARNEGIE: Well it would appear that this experience, terrible as it is, has been granted a license to operate!

UNREAL BAZ: Just hide that rat poison... oh no I've dropped me Beaujolais!

IT'S CARNEGIE: I shall be writing to the BBC to double-check, and someone from the Beeb will randonly drop out to make sure the standard hasn't dropped below the completely unacceptable level! Now, at ten to one, I would like to join the dining experience for lunch, if y'please! Noticed y'veal!

UNREAL BAZ: Whoops dropped another Beaujolais!

CONFUSING SYB: It's all double-Dutch to me!

UNREAL BAZ: It's Norwegian, actually! Isn't it good, Norwegian veal? NO!

CONFUSING SYB: Netherlands not Norway, Terry?

FALSE TERRY: 'Nor-way!', Missus Fowl'y!

IT'S CARNEGIE: I've traveled the world and the seven seas, yet I have never heard of the Norwegians, if y'please!

UNREAL BAZ: They are a Nordic folk who have only recently branched out into manufacturing veals! There's a Dutch-English lamb, if you'd like? A couple of bargain lobsters?

IT'S CARNEGIE: Just the Norwegian veal please! See you momentarily!



POOR POL: What's all this we hear about a farce involving veals?

FALSE TERRY: 'es put poison on one! Wot 'appened to the one the cat done chewed?

POOR POL: Yon cat?!? Lemme check!

FALSE TERRY: Roight, where's the cat's veal?!

UNREAL BAZ: Here it is, on a shelf!

FALSE TERRY: Pussycat, pussycat, where 'ave you been?

UNREAL BAZ: I've been to London to see the Queen! We're about to murder a health inspector, there's no time for such pantos!

POOR POL: Puss is alright!

UNREAL BAZ: Hurray! The cat... it's alive! Alive, I tell you!

FALSE TERRY: Stop y'prancin'! If the cat's okay, with the veal we shall play!

UNREAL BAZ: But for how long will the diners stand our terrible script?

FALSE TERRY: Vis stuff, two minutes! Better get some food out, I'll trim off the chewings!

DINING ROOM.

IT'S CARNEGIE: Fuck sake's Syb, I sat on a veal!

CONFUSING SYB: Soz, inspector!

UNREAL BAZ: There's another one there mate! All Manuel's fault!

BLEAK MANUEL: Fucking easy with the hits pal.

IT'S CARNEGIE: Does he do it often?

UNREAL BAZ: Yeah he's a shit amateur tbh.

POOR POL: Veal and salad, Carnegie!

UNREAL BAZ: Good appetites!

FAKE MAJOR: Just take me seat among the diners now!

KITCHEN.

UNREAL BAZ: Nice one Terry, mate. Just out to take a breather!

YARD.

UNREAL BAZ: Phew!

PUSS: Fuck me that veal's off.

DINING ROOM.

UNREAL BAZ: Sorry mate the cat's blowin' chunks, lemme take that cold veal! AH, TOO HOT! TOO SMALL!

IT'S CARNEGIE: This experience is all I ever wanted... and less!

KITCHEN.

UNREAL BAZ: Just fuck that veal in the bin!

FALSE TERRY: If that is the poison veal then them other veals is edible.

UNREAL BAZ: BRILLIANT LOGIC!

CONFUSING SYB: What you at pal?

UNREAL BAZ: That was the cat's poison slice!

POOR POL: I'll got check on puss!

DINING ROOM.

UNREAL BAZ: I'm getting you a nice large, hot one, Mr. Carnegie, ooh-err! Manuel, see to that posho and his posh bird what just entered!

KITCHEN.

POOR POL: Cat's alright!

CONFUSING SYB: He has furry balls, Baz.

FALSE TERRY: Serve vis veal, Pol! And chuck aht vis ovvah rat whoile yoor abaht it! Coh blimey there's millions of 'em!

BAZ: If the cat's alright, then the plate Pol just served may now be dangerous!



UNREAL BAZ: Gimme your veal, inspector! Too much of a good thing is bad, hence the bog-standard of this dining experience!

POOR POL: Groan, I give up on this experience!

UNREAL BAZ: We do not practice favouritism at this experience Mr. Carnegie, and so I will remove y'platter!

FAKE MAJOR: So YOU are the savaging Rat Inspector of renown!

UNREAL BAZ: Oh that crazy Major!

BLEAK MANUEL: Here's your menus, poshos! The scripts are within! Crikey, there's Basil the hamster 'neath your table!

POSHO: Stop eyeing up me lady's pins, pal. Windsor Davies soup and don't skimp on the Pâté!

KITCHEN.

UNREAL BAZ: We have debated long and hard now what?

FALSE TERRY: The bin veal is the one.

CONFUSING SYB: But Terry, this experience has got 'FLOP' written all over it!

FALSE TERRY: Not ta warry Mrs. Fowl'y, wot dah diners ain't seen the amateurs get away wiv!

BLEAK MANUEL: Yo Baz, rat at table 7!



DINING ROOM.

HE'S THE POSHO: Your Barcelonian waiter seems more interested in my fiance's legs!

UNREAL BAZ: Actually mate I think it's the minge he's trying to get an eyeful of! Can I have a look? Oh look a bread roll! Polly, get them orders! Manuel, get the bread-roll box!

HE'S THE POSHO: We wish for veals now!

POOR POL: Gorn off, mate.

UNREAL BAZ: It should say 'Galloping eel scallops'!

HE'S THE POSHO: Stop rooting in her dress, Manuel - wait until after the experience!

POOR POL: TWO SOUPS! The rat is in her handbag!

CONFUSING SYB: Veal for you, Carnegie!

HE'S THE POSHO: He's getting the veal!

UNREAL BAZ: 'Tis a held-up boat veal from-

POOR POL: -Japan.

UNREAL BAZ: It's the last of the Norwego-Nippon-Netherlands combinations!

HE'S THE POSHO: That's it, We're leaving this experience! Order ten taxis, I'll pay for 'em!

UNREAL POL: The puppet rat is in her handbag.



RECEPTION.

HE'S THE POSHO: Recommend a veal restaurant.

POOR POL: La-di-da! Did you see Annie Hall? Here, you can borrow my DVD of the film by the disgraced director!

SHE'S THE POSH BIRD: Baz is rummaging up my shirt!

HE'S THE POSHO: You know something, what's good for the goose is good for the gander you grubby tall amateur! I'm gonna knock your block off!

POOR POL: BOMB-SCARED!

HE'S THE POSHO: WHAT?!

POOR POL: I'm scared that the experience will bomb!

HE'S THE POSHO: Why didn't you say something? Shouldn't you cancel today's performance?

UNREAL BAZ: Just let me have a little rummage, missus! YAAAAH, that rat has bitten me and legged it! Somebody pull that rat puppet into the dining room on a string!



BLEAK MANUEL: Gotcha, rat! Just stick 'im in the biscuit tin.

FAKE MAJOR: Giz them biccies, yum!

IT'S CARNEGIE: Spanish waiter? Cheesy biscuits and coffees, pa-leeese!

MANUEL: Si, senor... oi rat, where art thou?

UNREAL BAZ: Alright, Carnegie mate?! How about a waffer-theen mint?! Go on, it's only a leetle wan!

IT'S CARNEGIE: Nah fuck off, I'm full! I'm just having some rat-free biscuits and cheese, squire!

UNREAL BAZ: Syb, the coffee! Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Biccies, Pol!

FAKE MAJOR: Here's the tinned rat, Fawlty!

UNREAL BAZ: Camembert? Wensleydale? Venezuelan beaver cheese?

IT'S CARNEGIE: A little Danish and a Norwegian Blue, please!

POOR POL: Here's the biscuit tin prop!

UNREAL BAZ: Now for the punchline!



UNREAL BAZ removes biscuit tin lid. The rat looks at IT'S CARNEGIE.

UNREAL BAZ: Care for a puppet rat, pal?

IT'S CARNEGIE: Was that puppet rat being hand-operated by Pol?

CONFUSING SYB: Nah mate. Nah.

POOR POL: Got rid of that puppet rat, go on, have a biccie!

CONFUSING SYB: I'm afraid this experience has been a complete wash out!

BLEAK MANUEL: Ladies and gentlemen, the actor playing Baz has fainted due to stress. I will drag him out while you finish up and leave in an orderly fashion. Any complaints can be addressed to management - THANK YOU!

[Glebe]

BASIL THE AMATEUR FAWLTY (on phone): Hello, Foolsty Towers Catering Dining Experience thing? No, I'm sorry, but no. We finished up last week. The hotel went on strike over us. How about a cheap, tatty revue instead? Okay cheap, tatty revue it is then. Stand by!

DENZIL'S TRUCK CAB.

DREADFUL DENZIL (singing): I like truckin', I like truckin'...

TERRIBLE TRIGGER: Oh 'ello diners, yoo join as LOIVE via webcam from Denzil's truck!

DINERS (at hotel): Eh?!

DREADFUL DENZ: Flippin' 'eck, Trig, we're never gonna to get to Torquay going at this speed! I'm gonna burn rubber!

TERRIBLE TRIG: WATCH AHT FOH DAT HEDGEHOG DENZ!

IT'S SPINY NORMAN?!: DENZ-DALE?!



FOOLSTY TOWERS' RECEPTION.

SYBIL-STEPHENSON?: Hello everyone, I'm an amateur version of Pamela Stephenson playing Sybil! Oh Basil, there's somebody at reception!

AIN'T-ATKINSON BASIL: Hello everyone, 'Rowan Atkinson', as it t'were, playing Basil! Oh excuse me, I have a customer here... hello sir, how may I help you?

TERRIBLE TRIG: Me and Denz wonna room for t'noig'!

AIN'T-ATKINSON BASIL: Yes sir, and perhaps I can bring up a hedgehog sandwich while I'm about it?

DINER: Cough. This is terrible.



ROWANUEL'S ROOM.

BILLY BASIL: Och aye the noo, Pamela Stephenson's hubby Billy Connolly here, as Basil! Here yon wee Manuel, get them wee pigeon jobbies oot the tank!

ROWANUEL: Let me just take a look at the script... er, Si senor, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts for you and that!

BILLY BAZ: Hang aboot, wot's that wee thing in the corner?!

ROWANUEL: Oh yeah mon, that is wild, pedigree Siberian gorilla I buy for a fiver!

NOTKINSON IN A SUIT: 'Wild', I was livid!

BILLY BAZ: That's no wee Siberian beastie pal, that's a flippin' man in a soot! Get shot of it before yon inspector comes!

DINER: I don't understand this.



DINING ROOM.

GRYFF-RHYS FAWLTY:  There you go Mr. Smith, the meal you did not order!

THIS IS NOT MEL SMITH: I'm not a violent man Mr. Fawlty, but I will be having strong words with you later, to wit, an amusing, blokey face-to-face chat like what we did on Alas Smith and Jones!

POLLY SHERPHENSON: I'll go and bring them toilet rolls up to the hearing-aid lady or summit.

MR. BEAN: I have a cunning plan to escape this awful experience, which will inevitably fail with hilarious consequences!

DINER: Oh this is dreadful order ten taxis etc.



AIN'T-ATKINSON BASIL: Meanwhile, at this table, I shall be receiving and earful from a mouthy, spoiled brat to amusing effect!

MOUTHY SPOILED BRAT: Vees chip is 'orrible, did yoo lay 'em?

MISS TIBBS AND MISS GATSBY: Coo-ee! Hello, Mr. Fawlty!

AIN'T-ATKINSON BASIL: You pair keep out of it, things are shitty enough as-is!

MOUTHY SPOILED BRAT: Did you expect this experience to be this much of a flop?

AIN'T-ATKINSON BASIL: Well I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!

DINERS: Groan.



UPSTAIRS.

MISERABLE MICKEY PEARCE: 'ere Jehvun, yoo copped off wiv dat Polly sort yet?

JEOPARDY JEVON: Nah Mickey, o'im boiddin' me toime befoh oi unleash me smoove moves! Stand asoide, san, leave it to dah master to shaw yah how it's dahn!



RECEPTION.

DOUBTFUL DEL: Oi Fowlty moi san, oi'm gettin' a bit impatience to geh apstairs an' 'ave a shag wiv Junie!

JOYLESS JUNIE: Dewik Trottah, moi days!

BASIL RODNEY: Owight, owight, keep yah 'air on!

DOUBTFUL DEL: Wodney?! Wot yoo doing behoind vat recepshun desk?!

BASIL RODNEY: Alun gave me dah sack and Cassie left me, so oi fought oi'd fill in as a Fowlty, eh, diners?

DOUBTFUL DEL: Yeah weol wiv Raquel and dah chavvy visitin' 'ere parents, oi fought oi'd nip dahn ta Torquay wiv Junie for a quicky! Labbaly-jabbaly!

JOYLESS JUNIE: Moi stars, strewf an' vat!

DINERS: Come on. We're leaving.



LOUNGE.

MISERABLE MIKE: 'ello Major Billy moi san, 'ow's loife treatin' yah!

MAJOR BILLY: Och mah boab dinnae start, Mike, yah wee bonnie Sassenach! The wee cunt wot runs this experience, he div'nae noo wot he's doin', don'tcha know! Naw giz three pints of Famous Grouse for meself, Granddad and Albert over in yon corner! Bide a wee, any chance o' a sneaky wee packet of peanuts whiole your at it?

MISERABLE MIKE: Nah mate all out, you could try Sid's caff though! He's just moved where Andre's old restaurant used ta be!



DINING ROOM.

GRIFF-RHYS FAWLTY: Right, Meluel, you are not to mention anything racist or sexist or that - got it?! This new 'alternative' comedy does not welcome such old hat middle-of-the-road working men's club nonsense!

MELUEL: Ah so solly, ah Mr. ah Foh't-san! Stupid waiter from Barcelona not mention no unhip words to diner peeps, innit, Stavros? Ah-so!

THIS IS NOT MEL SMITH: Well folks, that's it for tonight! We hope you have enjoyed this cheap, tatty revue of an experience! I guess it's a case of 'nice cast, shame about the experience', but y'know... the feeling kinda lingers!

LAST REMAINING DINERS: BOO!



LATER, WHEN ALL THE DINERS HAVE GONE HOME.

BASIL THE AMATEUR FAWLTY: Sigh... what happened, Amateur Sybil? In the early days the diners used to laugh quite a bit!

SYBIL THE AMATEUR SYBIL: Yes, but not at the same time, Amateur Basil!

[Glebe]

There was also the great 'unproduced' dining experience, that would have seen Basil and Sybil visit Manuel's new restaurant in Miami... but the experience gets hijacked!

[DangledTeeth]

Christopher Biggins (V/O): OoOooOoh, hello my pretties. welcome to another promotional video for Foo-woolsty Tow-waaghs - the best comedy crossover catering service in town. Could it be in your town? If sssso, bring a relative or a friend. Why not bo-oth? Special guests in this presentation are Jordan Peterson and his darling wife, Tammy Peterson.

Int. 'Fawlty Towers' (West Ruislip Travelodge)

Leather Del: Jubbly Bennetts, eh! Ya-know-wha'-oy-meyn, darling! Zis toime nex' month we'll be a trio of milyunaires in three andrid an' sixty-foive days' tarme.

Pebble Rodney: Cosplay!

Diner: Sorry, 'Rodney', I believe your catchphrase is actually 'cosmic'.

Pebble Rodney: Oh yeah. Cosmic! Cos-blubber-mic, Uncle Delnzil.

Diner: Sigh!

Condemned Albert: Jurrenuhwor! Ar'm sayin' naffin', sahn! Ar groo ahp on Tabasco Raoad.

Diner 4: 'Tobacco'.

Leather Del: No, sweet'eart, you can't smoke in 'ere.

Diner 4: But...

Biggins (V/O): Oh, what jolly good fun these three plonkers are.

Trolley Basil: Good morning, welcome to Fawlty Towers. Are you hyere to book a rroom?

Leather Del: Yeah, that's righ', John. It's the name of the ol' game, eh.

Trolley Basil: Oh, there's two more of you?

Condemned Albert: No' 'alf. WoOh-Hyeeyurp-mouorf-feorp.

Diner 2 (To her husband): I know Albert has a peculiar laugh, but this chap takes the ruddy piss.

Trolley Basil: I see, hmm. Two of you. I think it's disgusting!

Leather Del: That's righ'. We're a family. That dopey cunt is me bravva, and that decorated seadog is my uncle.

Trolley Basil: Yes, that's what I meant by disgusting. It is disgusting your haven't shaved your balls.

Biggins (V/O): Oh, the language!

Int. 'FT Bar'

Leather Del: Gordon's Plonker! Mike wants 'is doh-ray-mee for the deep-fat fryer, and we need sahme cash for Grendad's 'eadstone.

Pebble Rodney: Shame we spent it on this 'olidee.

Leather Del: Yeah a- *double take* what do you mean 'shame we spen' it on this 'oliday'?! We ain't dahne anything yet.

Pebble Rodney: Nah, it's just... y'know, we coulda spent it a bit more wisely.

Leather Del: 'spose you're right, brarv. Then again, we needed a break from all the aggro back 'ome.

Condemned Albert: Dan't wahry, sahn. Sammink will turn ahp. Boomerang Chro'ah - always cahms bahk wiv out-of-court settlement mahny.

Condemned Albert plods out of the bar

Pebble Rodney: Where's 'e off to?

Leather Del: Probably gone to find HMS Beach.

Pebble Rodney: Let's have an aesthetically stimulating conversation, Derek. If you can 'ave one.

Leather Del: You saucy caow! Of course I can. 'Alphabetically' is my middle name.

Pebble Rodney: Begin commence, Del...

Leather Del eyes up Sexy Polly wiping down the tables

Leather Del: I wouldn't mind shovin' my cock up 'er anal passage.

Biggins Hills: Oah, Del Boy, you filthy brute!

Trolley Basil: ...it would be quicker to train a CUNNNNT!

Jordan and Tammy appear a the reception desk

Trolley Basil: Ah, 12.30, you must be Mr and Mrs Peterson?

Jordan: Doctor.

Trolley Basil: There isn't one around, I'm terribleh sorreh to say.

Jordan: No, I am a doctor. Dr Peterson.

Trolley Basil: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you. MANUEL

Bell: DINGDINGDINGDING!

Tammy: I'm not a doctor, mind.

Jordan: But I am a mind doctor, ah-hhagh-hhyeh-hhagh.

Tammy: He's a clinical psychologist, professor and best-selling author.

Trolley Basil: Quite. Quite. MAN-FUCKING-UEL?

Legume Manuel: KEHHHHH? KKKKHEH?

Trolley Basil: Takos el baggos upstairrrrs to room 12.

Legume Manuel: Ah, si-si-si-si.

Diner 6: HA HA HA HA.

Int. Bedroom

Jordan: Wuell, this is a respectable room.

Tammy: Yep.

Jordan: We could go in to town and see what restaurants there are.



Jordan: Wh-what?!

Tammy: Who is that at the window?!

Jordan: It depends on what you mean by 'who'.

Int. Bar

Sexy Polly runs up to the Trotters

Sexy Polly: Excuse me...

Leather Del: Is this about being given the opportunity to pop my cock in your bot?

Sexy Polly: Huh?! No! Do you have a relative with a white beard?

Leather Del: Yeah. What's that garrity oold dufferfuck dahne naow?

Sexy Polly: He's fallen off of a ladder.

Pebble Rodney: Where's this happened?

Leather Del: Wha' do you mean 'where's this 'appened'. Uni'ed colours of fuckin' BBBBenetton, Roddersney! He's 'ardly ganna ascend the rungs to 'ide in the attic.

Pebble Rodney: I guessed it was outside. But why's he gone up a ladder in the first place?

Leather Del: Fuck knows!

Ext. 'Fawlty Towers'

Condemned Albert is sprawled across the floor with a toppled ladder across his waist

Condemned Albert: Blahddy ladduh, wouldn't 'ave the likes ov you in the armed fawciz.

Leather Del: Uncah Lahbert, are you alrigh'?

Condemned Albert: Ar'm okay, sahn. I learnt 'ow ta expertly fall on me bum. Spending maost of the waw in a depot on the Isle-a Woigh' duz that for ya.

Leather Del: Come on, Rodney, let's 'elp Uncah Lahbert ahp.

Condemned Albert: 'oo'd pu' a climbah at the side of the 'otel, and why'd they allaow me to foot meself ahp to the windah. Ar've a good mind to sue Fawl'y Tahwahs.

Leather Del: Yes, bloody stupid pl- SUE FAWL'Y TOWERS?!?! Loosen your grip, Rodney, make him seem like a devasta'ed victim!

Trolley Basil appears

Trolley Basil: Sue Fawlty Towers? Uh-haw-haw. *Coolly folds arms* I think not, my little nest of Cockneys. You see, Dr Peterson and Mrs Peterson are witnesses in the room of the window your uncle fell away from, and your uncle chose to cl- there's three of you!

Leather Del: Oh, naow what's ahp? Our room is already booked for someone else?

Trolley Basil: Of course! You were inspecting the robustness of the window panel. And you're acting as a family.

Leather Del exchanges a very brief puzzled look with Pebble Rodney

Trolley Basil: Please don't write a bad review about us. We're finished if you do.

Rodney: Review?! Now hold o-

Leather Del realises and takes advantage

Leather Del: No-no, Mr Trotter. Let's not make a mole out of the mountain, alrigh'. Mr Fawlty does have a genuine concern. I, Derek Duvall of Loyal Inspecting And Review Service, shall accept your offer to prevent an article from appearing in the local gazette.

Condemned Albert: Wha' offah is that, sahn?

Leather Del: Well, I dunno. (To Trolley Basil) Wha' were you going to offer us, Mr Fawlty?

Trolley Basil: £50.

Leather Del slowly turns to Condemned Albert and Pebble Rodney

Leather Del: That does seem like an acceptable offer.

Condemned Albert: Wha' do you think, Rodney?

Pebble Rodney: I think it's immoral!

Leather Del: See, you've 'eard it from my colleague, Mr Fawlty. It really is immoral. I mean, look at the state of this knackered ladder. There's no warning labels to prevent a soppy aold former sailor from doing acrobatics with it. 'e may look like Father Christmas, but chimneys are definitely out of his reach, son. And will you observe the state of this wall.

Trolley Basil: What's wrong with it?! I repainted it about a month ago.

Leather Del: Ah, you see, snapping at me - which you've jast demonstra'ed - is a poor example of delivering satisfactory customer service. Take it
from me, pal.

Trolley Basil: I don't know what else I can suggest, gentlemen.

Leather Del: A bullseye and a slap-up gourmet meal ought to earn you several ticks on my checklist.

Trolley Basil: I don't own a dart board, I'm suh sorreh to say.

Pebble Rodney: Naoh, he means fifty pounds.

Leather Del: I do-on't.

Pebble Rodney: Oh.

Leather Del ironically jerks his head upwards

Leather Del: A dart board!? You thought I wan'ed one?! Hah-hah-heh-hah. You wally.

Pebble Rodney: No, I thought you... doesn't mah-ah.

Trolley Basil: Yes. That is perfectly agreeable

Jordan and Tammy appear from behind

Jordan: Speaking of agreeable, women are more high in agreeableness. Isn't that correct, Tammy?

Tammy: Yes.

Leather Del: Stone me! You almost gave me a Connery then, creeping ahp like thaa-aaht.

Jordan: Soeh, how is the old fellow doing?

Condemned Albert: Ar'm alrigh' nah, sahn. Me and, erm, my two colleagues are inspecting the 'otel. I was jast checkin' to see if yer winduhs needed replacing.

Tammy: You haven't broken any bones?

Condemned Albert: No, dear. Ar learn't 'ow to lahnd safely. During-the-war...

Leather Del & Pebble Rodney: GROAN!

Condemned Albert: ...I was stationed aht in Algeria. Yah. Me an' the crew mates 'ad a roigh' aold larf. Well, no' awll the time, y'understehnd. You wanna try manning a boilah in norf Africah. Oh yeah... you two daon't sahnd local.

Jordan: We're from Canada.

Condemned Albert: Ar've bin there.

Tammy: Oh, how enchanting. Whereabouts?

Condemned Albert: Quebec.

Legume Manuel: Que?

Jordan: Kweh-bek.

Condemned Albert: Ov cawse, they couldn't understehnd a word I said.

Leather Del (Muttered): I ain't surprised.

Trolley Basil: Well, ah, it's getting quite cold out hyere. Why don't we all go inside and imbibe a starter before the meal.

Leather Del: Oh, that's a grea' idea, Basil. Lead on, McFawlty.

Violins: ZINGY-ZENG-ZENG-ZUM-DHM-DUM

Diner 2: Ow! Not in my ears.

Int. Dining Room

Jordan: I'm a doctor and I want my sausages.

Diner 3: Wrong episode, mate. Come to think of it, this whole dining experience isn't very convincing.

Trolley Basil: Yes, I'm certain we can fry several of them for you, Dr Peterson. Mrs Peterson?

Tammy: Sausages, please.

Leather Del: We all fancy a nice big bit of trifle, Basil.

Trolley Basil: Splendid. I'll just pop out for some vital ingredients. I shan't be long. My wife Sybil shall regale you with an anecdote.

Scrapheap Sybil: And uncle Ted walked in with his cock out and - HUUUOAAAH!

One hour passes

Sexy Polly (Singing): ...ah'm just a girrrrl who cayn't say no.

Legume Manuel: Fucking olé!

The Trotters wake up

Leather Del: Eh?! Wha'?! 'ang about, where's the grub?

Sexy Polly: It'll be ready soon.

Legume Manuel: Si, it coming. I look for Mr Fawlty.

Legume Manuel zooms out of the dining hall and sees Trolley Basil carrying a platter

Trolley Basil: Manuel, quick! Help me carry this into the kitchen



Jordan: Sorry, guys. Don't mind me.

Trolley Basil: No, it's fine. You continue. We have our hands full.

Int. Dining Hall

Trolley Basil proudly wheels the platter with a silver dome-lid over it

Trolley Basil: Ladies and gentleman, suh sorreh to have kept you waiting. Shying-zying goes the serving knives.

Trolley Basil lifts the lid to reveal a steaming hot duck

Trolley Basil: Erm, duck, Mr Duvall?

Leather Del: Wha'!?!?

Trolley Basil: Duck for you, Rodney? Mr Gladstone?

Pebble Rodney: Cosmic.

Condemned Albert: Dan't mind if I do, sahn.

Leather Del: What-about the-trifle, Fawlty?!

Trolley Basil: Erm, trifle's off. Sorreh.

Leather Del: Don't mah-ah. I feel like havin' a main course naow. *Rubs hands* Lovely duckly!

Biggins (V/O): That was terribly fun, wasn't it. If you want to dine and laugh, visit our website or call to reserve your seat at the greatest sitcom dining experience.

[Glebe]

Albert at the window, heh!