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March 29, 2024, 02:47:19 PM

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Perry the Pub Dullard

Started by NJ Uncut, October 19, 2019, 03:06:04 PM

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NJ Uncut

Perry Hubbard enters the Dog and Duck with his mate Paul.

"Sat there last time," he notes, nodding towards a table in the corner.

NJ Uncut

Perry enters The Castle and Pig, a pub he's never been in before in his life.

"Same again love," he quips to the barmaid.

NJ Uncut

"Two halves please," Perry says, winking. "In the same glass!!"

The jovial banter backfires when Perry is stung for an extra quid for his pint of Shipyard American Pale Ale.

NJ Uncut

Perry strides up to the touchscreen jukey with the air of a man who knows exactly what he wants, quid poised to be slotted and make no mistake, my sweet, sweet friend.

Eighteen tortuous minutes of RnB later, Oasis's "Roll With It" tumbles forth and coats everyone in a drab ennui, except Perry, there, standing up, jiving, living it large as he can. Tuesday fucking morning, here is the man!

Glebe

"When all the peanuts has been bought, you can see the woman in the nuddy beneath."

NJ Uncut

A young man in sporting gear sidles up to Perry who is mid-burst.

"Want some beak mate?" whispers the youth. "Strongest shit for miles." Perry's stream halts as he composes himself for this encounter with the criminal underworld. Be bold, Perry! That's the only language these animals understand!

"My amigo, nothing is going to affect me more than that half of Wobbly Bob I just downed!" he crows, the youth slinking away. Relieved, he gasps and the trickle begins anew.

Back at the corner table, Perry is asleep, slumped over his arm, face planted, an empty half glass next to him. He wasn't kidding.

Concerned, his mate Paul dials 999. " What is it now, sir?" asks the tired dispatcher

NJ Uncut

Perry's had one two many and - harmlessly, he maintains - gooses the barmaid's ass and tits.

The guvnor comes out, a towering brick shithouse of a man, as wide as he is tall and as muscled as he is coked up.

"You. Out. You're banned."

"Oh no," singsongs Perry loquaciously, "I'm more of a solo artist!"

He laughs at his own wit, until realising the sad underlying truth of the comment. Then he gets fucking battered rendering the issue temporarily moot, as the brick shithouse pounds his sovereign-ringed fist repeatedly into Perry's face.

The accosted barmaid views Perry's wrecked face. It looks like someone went mental on mincemeat with a toffee hammer. "Guess that's why they call it a mush!"

Perry fails to appreciate the quip, the fucking hypocrite

touchingcloth

Perry walks into the pub and notices the tiled floor is pretty clean.

"Probably been mopped, that. Or hoovered", he says.

Glebe

"That fruity is fixed. Bastards."

Glebe

"Bad pint, Mike. Bad pint."

"Fuck's sake Perry, that's the fourth time this morning... I only had the pipes cleaned. You must be just imaging things, mate."

"Yeah, to be honest the pints are fine I'm just really bored."

grassbath

'I was in a band once,' Perry interjects to the young lads discussing music on the next table.

petril

Perry tries to take on a League One match that is currently 3-2 with three red cards, a penalty, a fight and an outfield player in goal with "yeah, it's not like the football in the old days. proper football." the two young lads who fall for it miss a goal line clearance, a fight, and a slide tackle that accidentally takes out the assistant referee in the twelve minutes it takes to extricate themselves

NJ Uncut

#12
Perry walks past the Boat Inn, Loughborough and notices a sign: LIVE SPORT! Perry enters, and looks around, and puts on a disappointed expression.

"Excuse me," he inquires to the bearded barman. "I thought you had live sport? I want to watch football".

"Yeah pal got four big screens. Showing the match toni-"

"ACTUALLY," exclaims Perry, "Your advertising clearly mentions sport, live. It says nothing about it being merely televised! Now, good barkeep, will you be having a live football game in the bar area or not?"

"Look, everyone knows that y-"

"I think YOU don't know about the Advertising Standards Authority!"

"Hold fire. I'll get the manager, mate."

"See if he's for tennis!"

Perry giggles, highly amused at his prank. Haha! Live sport in a pub!! Inside the pub! Stools for goalposts! The barmaid can be a ref and do a terrible job owing to her sex!! Let's see if he can continue the lampoon on the landlord, hehe haha hoohoohoooo!

"That's im guv," says the barman, pointing at Perry. The brick shithouse uber-tattooed hulk marches over double quick and pulls back his mitt to panel Perry right in his fucking face.

'Still,' Perry thinks to himself in his last seconds. 'The barman fell for it! Hook, line and sink-'

Glebe


Glebe

"Just a Bovril for me today, Mike... bit chilly out there!"

Glebe

"Packet of cheese and onion Golden Wonder with that please mate "

"Sorry Perry, we only do Walkers crisps."

"Not having that, mate. Not having that."

touchingcloth

Yard of ale, please.

Sips it. Just tests the bulb on the carpet and sips at the fucking thing. His best little eyes dating around the room trying to give people knowing glances as he laps at the head like a fucking cat.

A stranger orders a pint and Perry chants "chug! Chug! Chug!" at her with his 92cm of now room temperature Carlsberg balanced ludicrously one the floor.

Glebe

"This pint's horrible."

"You said that about the last four pints, Perry! Me pipes are clean, the beers alright... why don't you try a different brand of ale?"

"Nah, I'll stick with this horrible grog. Gives me something to moan about."

NJ Uncut

"Salutations, fairest maiden of the bar! I see you offer a range of cask ales, can I perhaps have a quick taster of whichsoever takes my fancy?"

"Oh sure! You can taste any of our range for free, which one would you like to try?"

"I do believe I'll sample the Carling," Perry winks. "Who knows, I might like it enough to buy a full pint!"

"Er..."

"But not before one has sampled the Fosters, the John Smiths and the Stella Artois! Do us a sample of that Jack Daniel's as well.."

Glebe

"Go on, Perry, there's that lady you fancy! Make y'move!"

"Alright Mike the Barman, givvus a chance to think of summit... er, hello, missus... see that knot in the bartop, that's been there since forever!"

"I'll have a Babycham, mate."

"Well done, Perry, you're in there, pal!" smiles Mike with a wink!

Glebe

"I don't get all these modern alcopops. Back in my day, if a bloke ordered anything wiv colours in it he was either a yuppie or a poof!"

"Times have moved on, Perry. It's okay to drink funny drinks now!"

"Listen, Mike, I ain't having a pop at 'em. But keep y'drinks to y'self! I'll stick with my good old reliable Carling Black Label, thank y'very much!"

NJ Uncut

Perry glances out the window he's sat by in the Grape & Ferret.

"Looks like the geese are going south for winter," he remarks, to himself.

NJ Uncut

"Seen this beer mat design before," sighs Perry, knowing he'll add it to the collection anyway.

petril

Perry sips his pint and turns the pages of his copy of Viz, staring intently. Chuckles at Page Fifteen. Did that last month

Cuellar

"What time is it?" asks Perry
"Er...7:50 Perry," says barman
"Mmm," says Perry.

NJ Uncut

"Aaaay!" Perry cheers, as the new barmaid drops a pint glass