Boomer infestation

[Sebastian Cobb]

I lied about them matching, by the way:



I think we can all agree that they're horrible.

I've got one of them but it is matte rather than gloss. That point isn't really important, I bought it because I worked somewhere where glasses didn't seem to be provided.

They are good flasks, but you need to pry the rubber seal out of the lid and give it a good clean, if you don't they end up smelling like a wet PE kit that was left festering in a locker during half term.

Good for putting wine into and drinking on a megabus too!

[touchingcloth]

The blue one is matte, it's only the bad ombre that's shiny.

Matte.

[Twed]

The blue one is matte, it's only the bad ombre that's shiny.

Matte.

THEN WHY CAN I SEE REFLECTIONS IN IT, BOY

[Egyptian Feast]

I don't think anything boils my piss more than this fucking crap. Absolute blight on humanity that anyone could take the time to cobble together this absolute mindless, entitled, sneering, self-congratulatory, blinkered bullshit. Every single line is a total nonsensical lie - it'd be tempting to completely dismantle the thing if it wasn't so lame and pathetic, a small river of dribble on the chin of a racist in a nursing home.

Beautifully put. My 'favourite' bit, aside from 'And the wife was content with her lot', is 'I remember the milk from the bottle, With the yummy cream on the top'. I don't know why that bit boils my piss so much, though it clearly has a lot to do with the word 'yummy'.

I've seen a few of these now (thanks to whoever posted that fresh one earlier, hadn't seen that one before), but this one will always be my favourite due to that opening line. You'd have to be impressively stupid in the first place to begin a poem with 'I remember the corned beef of my childhood', but this ridiculous old cunt manages to top it with every subsequent line! It's quite an achievement, actually.

[imitationleather]

Still, pretty impressive that they managed to get it published in The New York Review of Books.

[idunnosomename]

They boil my piss because they cant even keep the scansion to the hackneyed meter right

At least their parents understood iambic pentameter. And their grandads while they died in the trenches clutching their Housmans

[pigamus]

The ellipsis after stanza two is very ominous.

[touchingcloth]

THEN WHY CAN I SEE REFLECTIONS IN IT, BOY

The lid's shiny, but it's definitely matte. The blue one, that is. The multicoloured one is shiny.

[Gurke and Hare]

And the dinner somehow magically appeared out of the oven without first having to come from a shop. If that's supposed to be implying everyone grew or reared everything they ate then BOLLOX.

And the cinema was free, apparently.

[idunnosomename]

The ellipsis after stanza two is very ominous.

it prepares you for the stanza about child beating and denying the existence of eating disorders

[sick as a pike]

Oh the times we had when we were small
And the world was happy and easy
Not like now, not like now at all!
When everything seems so sleazy

Back then we played in the street all day
Until we were called in for our dinners
And if we a "cuss word" did say
We'd be smashed in the face- oh such sinners!

There was milk, there was cream
We didn't worry if to drink it was fine
Or if it would irrecoverably rot out our spleen
So we imbibed it, time after time!

Again and again with nary a thought
To the poison that rose up within
We defined ourselves by the evil we wrought
As we ruptured a slug with a pin

Why is it now like it is as it is
Why does it all give me palpitations
Is it  [???? TBC]
And fucking shops run by the Asians

We won the war, we had Winnie
We showed the world who we are
(Stood in the window, cock out, in a pinny)
I've bagged up my turds to store in a car-
My homosexual neighbour's blue mini!

...

...

Attack.


-Ron Hargreaves, 71

[idunnosomename]

i remember when good churchill carked it
oh my oh my how did we grieve.
we got the day off school to mourn him
why oh why can't we just leave

[touchingcloth]

What's the name of the meter that always gets employed in this doggerel? It's the poetry equivalent of writing a rap what begins "I'm a baby boomer and I'm here to say..." and then going on to beat box a bum, a tsh, a bum bum tsh.

I thought it would be great laffs to take some poetry from the wars the boomers sadly never fought in and cunting it up through the meter, but it's impossible.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
    Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
        Only kidding, we won't be dead for years ah ha ha ha ha ha ha

[Blue Jam]

I lied about them matching, by the way:



I think we can all agree that they're horrible.

Pffffft, practically all my work colleagues and everyone at my gym had one of those. They're nicer than the lairy plastic one I got for free from a conference.

^{Alright, the one on the right is horrible.}

[idunnosomename]

What's the name of the meter that always gets employed in this doggerel?

im no expert on this but it's this innit

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anapestic_tetrameter

i wouldnt be surprised if it was The Night Before Christmas that is the cause for popularising it. since it also invented Santa

[H-O-W-L]

I lied about them matching, by the way:



I think we can all agree that they're horrible.

I have a pink and cyan anodized one and I love it. It makes me feel like I'm drinking an Estus Flask or something equally video gamey and pseudomilitaristic whenever I take a big chug of Asda Smartprice Lemon Cordial.

[touchingcloth]

Pffffft, practically all my work colleagues and everyone at my gym had one of those. They're nicer than the lairy plastic one I got for free from a conference.

^{Alright, the one on the right is horrible.}

The blue one is marginally less shit, aye. The thing is, we both work from home, and have glasses, mugs, flasks and thermos mugs (bought by them). It's as pointless a as gift as it is a mental one, unless the third anniversary is flask.

[Blue Jam]

Beautifully put. My 'favourite' bit, aside from 'And the wife was content with her lot'

That's pretty horrible, but the "We didn't have diets and anorexia" bit may be my favourite. Do these people not remember being able to get actual amphetamines on prescription?

[Ferris]

Flasks are mad, aren't they? Nobody had them 5 years ago, now they're all the rage. Everyone has one at their desk, all mad colours and that. Water though. Flasks of water.

That observation is so banal I bet I could sell it to Peter Kay.

That's pretty horrible, but the "We didn't have diets and anorexia" bit may be my favourite. Do these people not remember being able to get actual amphetamines on prescription?

In fairness I didn't have a prescription for speed either. Maybe the world hasn't changed as much as boomer thinks.

[Blue Jam]

No-one wants single-use plastic bottles anymore, grandad.

[dallasman]

I'm generally not a fan of the thread premise "this category of people is garbage", and I'm especially puzzled by the extreme passion and vigour with which some people denigrate entire demographic segments, like "boomers", "parents" or whichever "class" has been letting Britain down that week. And it looks like the jury is still out on whether "ageism" is even a real form of prejudice, or more correctly viewed as a form of progressive activism.

Laughing at specific foibles that are more or less universally acknowledged is one thing, and a fine thing too. Older people struggling with new technology and fashion has been a source of clean, inclusive laughs for as long as there has been humour. An old, dressed in supermarket clothes, staring at their smartphone like it was an attacking alien spaceship, is something we can all appreciate. But some people seemingly need to justify or amplify their sneering by weaving it into a larger context where "these people" basically destroyed the world and personally benefitted from the suffering of untold millions. In the space of a page, an amusing chat about lame family and the things they say, turns into a furious indictment of a whole generation. Whoa there! Aside from anything else, the implication that the historical fortunes of the baby boomers make them somehow morally deficient, is not very persuasive to me. And frankly, much of this stuff just sounds like overgrown children still raging at their parents, for reasons entirely unconnected to the economy, housing, the environment or Thatcher.

So when it comes to ageism, I'm with the edgelords: Be nice to people and don't prejudge.

Because I am so extremely morally virtuous, though, I also don't condone this kind of snooty tone policing and telling people off for going a bit further than I would in that particular instance. So what if people want to vent? A lot of boomers are disgusting people, they are undeniably a wealthy generation, and I've no reason to doubt these stories nor question people's sincerely held beliefs about injustice. "Live and let live", is what I say, and that has to include occasional scoffing at people that I might reflexively feel a little protective of. Like my lovely parents, who were born in 1953 and 1954. They're not cunts by any stretch, but I can certainly believe that other people's parents are, or were.

So I read this thread yesterday, and rolled my eyes a little at some of the posts, but didn't think to comment any further, partly for the reasons outlined above. But later that day, something happened that I now feel I have to get off my chest:

My daughter and I were having dinner with my brother and his family. We both live in the big city, and he'd just returned from visiting our parents back home. He presented me with a gift from mum, who had bought three of these (one for her; one for each of us):



We both agreed that this is exactly the kind of thing she will buy, that neither we nor anyone we know, would buy. I'm curious if anyone here knows, or can guess, what it is?

tl;dr:

What's that? Have you seen one before? Do you own one?

[hamfist]

Ooh I know. It defenestrates boiled eggs, right ?

I know, because the German word for it is brilliant : Eierschalensollbruchstellenverursacher

[Harry Badger]

I think you are meant to put it up your/your partner's bottom.

[Ferris]

I think you are meant to put it up your/your partner's bottom.

Not falling for this again.

[dallasman]

Ooh I know. It defenestrates boiled eggs, right ?

I know, because the German word for it is brilliant : Eierschalensollbruchstellenverursacher

That's correct (and you get several bonus points for the German term)! At least, that is its stated purpose. After several attempts, I ended up with an indentation that almost penetrated the shell and membrane, almost all the way around, so you could almost lift it off like a hat. It only took a few seconds of fiddling and crushing the shell with my fingers, and I could easily tear most of it off. Voila! An egg with some of the shell off, ready to eat with a spoon (if you don't mind eating the shell fragments along the tear), or slice up in your egg slicer (after you've removed the rest of the shell and membrane). Back in the old days, we had to lightly tap our eggs and roll them on a hard surface before peeling and consuming them. This invention introduces a much-needed element of ceremony to the process, in an ingeniously practical way. Leave it to the Germans, I guess.

My mother's kitchen is full of clever doodads like these: Battery-powered pepper mill, so you don't have to turn anything, just hold down a button, and it shines an actual light on the pepper as it cascades out from the bottom. Cheap plastic juicers that theoretically save you a little effort, but you still have to press down on the fruit to make it turn, and it takes eight oranges to produce one glass of juice. And glasses in impractical shapes, that feel like they'll shatter if you set them down too quickly. And it's not like she's posh or wealthy. She worked all her life in kindergartens, and now enjoys a modestly comfortable retirement. In an apartment I could only ever dream of affording, and have to wait for her to die for it to even be on the table.

[Captain Z]

Candle snuffer?

[pancreas]

Anyone for a game of cribbage?!

[dallasman]

I might have to dock hamfist a bonus point for saying "defenestrate", now that I think about it. Surely it's "decapitate"? I always associate the word "defenestrate" with my friend Edwin, whose parents are well-off boomers (of German descent, so this is on topic in all sorts of ways). In our hard-partying school days, I was known to treat partygoers to a special party treat that I called a "Dallasman Explosion" (with my actual name in place of "dallasman", obviously). My friend Edwin wanted to experiment with my dish, and came up with his own version called an "Edwin Defenestration". He explained that to "defenestrate" means to throw something out of a window. I want to be clear that this is not what I am doing with my eggs.

[touchingcloth]

When I read hamfist's post I assumed he really meant defenestrate, but I'm a funny ha ho har way, and we were supposed to imagine that you could pop an egg in the end and onager the fucker out of a window with it. From there I assumed his German word was also made up for chuckle guffaw hyucks.

So what does the thing do? You put it up your arse with an egg?

[dallasman]

For the Eierschalensollbruchstellenverursacher-curious: You put the cap on the egg, lift the metal ball and drop it down the pole like a spherical stripper.

Edit: just occured to me to Google it, as it does sound like a parody word, but no, that's what it's called, and there are video tutorials aplenty for those eager to learn about the future of egg peeling.