Sorry, I’m confused. My next-day delivery of one of these is due before 1 today, so I really need to clarify precisely when it goes up my arse, and also when I am supposed to move it from my arse to my cloaca. Is there an e-book anyone can recommend quickly?

1. Select an acceptable egg.
Too small will fall out, cracked will tear your rectum. Must be boiled egg, not raw.

2. Make yourself comfortable in a bed
Use the Eierschalensollbruchstelleverursacher to insert the egg into your rectum rounded end first.
Make sure your penis is flaccid.
Erections can crack the egg prematurely.

3. Use lube if necessary
To get the egg into your actual arse.

4. Flick ball along shaft into anus
The egg should crack neatly around the pointy end.

5. Push out the egg.

6. Enjoy the egg
Season to taste.

7. After ten minutes the shell will "queef out".

8. Dispose of the "queefed out" shell responsibly.