playground modifications to pop songs.

[Artie Fufkin]

Underground, Overground, wombling free
I saw Madam Chaulet(?) having a wee
Having a poo on the things that she finds
Things that come out of your mother's behind

[Twed]

I was riding on the back of a friend's bike once and he started singing

"We have joy, we have fun
when we're riding we also bum"

[idunnosomename]

You'd better watch out
You'd better beware
Santa Claus is covered in hair
Santa Claus is covered
In hair

Santa Claus is covered in hair
There's not a patch of him bare
He has more than his fair share
Santa Claus is covered in hair

bit weird that one

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Oh my island in the sun
Not big enough for *insert name*'s bum
Even though it's a mile wide
*insert gender* big flabby buttocks hang over the side

Which fucking song is this?? Absolute state of the scansion on that last line.

[Gulftastic]

Why do you have to be >blows raspberry< fart-breaker?


And

We had joy, we had fun, flicking bogies at the sun
But the sun was too hot and the bogies turned to snot.

[Famous Mortimer]

Ace of Base:

I saw your mum
She opened up her legs and said come on
Life is outstanding
Shagging on the landing

This one tickled me. Glad no-one's in the office at the moment. Bravo, smutty children of years gone by (or nags, ten minutes ago, whatever).

[Twed]

My school's version of that was

I saw your mum
so I opened up her legs and gave her one.
It was outstanding,
spunk all over the landing.

[thecuriousorange]

I feel it in my fingers
I feel it up my nose
Pulled out another bogey
Under the desk it goes

More like:

I feel it in my fingers
I feel it up my nose
I pick it and I flick it
To see how far it goes
Oooooh yes I do

[thecuriousorange]

Tragedy
When you need a poo and there is no loo, it's
Tragedy
When it comes out yer bum like Pedigree Chum it's
Hard to bear
There's poo-oo all over your underwear
Da dow, da dow dow

More like:

Tragedy
When your balls are sore and your wife wants more

[idunnosomename]

whats this obsession with landings. so middle class these crude rewrites of Ace of Base hits

[Fisher Goes Berserk]

I went to a party at the county jail,
Caught my bollocks on a rusty nail,
When I got home I had a shock,
Only one ball and half a cock,
Let's rock!

I went to a party at the county jail,
Caught my bollocks on a rusty nail,
When I got home I had a shock,
No more balls and no more cock,
Let's rock!

Ayrshire variant:

Went to a party at the county jail
Ripped ma baws on a rusty nail
Went to the doctor and asked
"What will i do?"
He said "stick them back together with bawstick glue"

[beanheadmcginty]

Sheryl Crowe:

All I wanna do is shag your mum
I've got a feeling I'm not the only one

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

♪ Hello darkness my old friend ♪
♪ I've come to suck on your bellend ♪



Actually, we didn't used to sing that, I just made it up.

[Bennett Brauer]

What about this version of The 12 Days of Christmas?

Five golden showers!
Four Preparation H, three bloody rectums, two shaven gerbils, and a vat of K-Y jelly.

Doesn't really scan, but well done to the Phelps family of Topeka for having a bit of festive fun.

[MiddleRabbit]

A kid at my junior school combined his two obsessions by singing 'Joey Deacon' to the tune of Altered Images' 'Happy Birthday'.  All the words, all the way through it,  just changed to 'Joey Deacon'.  He got really into it and once he'd started, he couldn't stop doing it.  His name was Richard Nutt and when he wasn't doing that, he'd chant 'Ricardo Coconut' loudly to himself as he ran with the ball in football.  Like a salsa thing I suppose.  I don't know what song he was doing to that one, maybe he made it up.  He'd sometimes do it in the playground and try to get a conga line going behind him, without ever having any success.  It was the racist 70s and the solitary black kid, who was two years above me, used to get  'Cadbury make him and they covered him in chocolate' chanted at him in the yard in a 'comedy' West Indian accent.  Also, I did see a conga line once, and they were singing 'Mugabe, Mugabe, Mugabe the leader', around the time Zimbabwe came into existence.  I don't know if that was attempting to redress the racist balance or not.  Probably not.

Also, surprised nobody's said the Seasons In The Sun one.

We had joy, we had fun, flicking bogeys at the sun,
But the sun got too hot and the bogeys turned to snot.

Finally, while walking home from school one day a kid from the senior school rode past me on his bike and 'sang', 'Golden Brown, texture like your arse.' at me.  I didn't, and still don't, know what he was getting at.  I think he just wanted to say 'arse' whether it scanned with the song or not.

Edit: just remembered a kid who lived across the street from me used to sing the theme from Blackadder, changing the words to, 'Black bastard, Black bastard, you smelly, sweaty cunt.  Black bastard Black bastard, illegal immigrant.'  It wasn't a big surprise when my mother told me he'd later joined the young conservatives.

[H-O-W-L]

My ex had a bunch of terribly offensive ones she used to sing to piss me off when we were doing something mundane. Just little snippets. Be warned I won't be responsible if your eyes turn to little poos reading these. I am so sorry for their existence as a whole.

Sweet dreams are made of these,
jet fuel can't melt steel beams.

A candy colored clown they call the Klansman...

I'm so full of desire when you set their huts on fire
I need to see white genocide!

All three of which are songs I really quite like in their original format.

[idunnosomename]

HES GOT THE WHOLE WORLD

UP HIS ARSE

actually i suppose hymns are different territory

[Flouncer]

I got in trouble for singing that in assembly at primary school and was made to stay behind after and write out the actual words to the song.

[Artie Fufkin]

bit weird that one

Fuck you!

[Artie Fufkin]

Which fucking song is this?? Absolute state of the scansion on that last line.

Demis Rousos - Island In The Sun
Also - fuck you!

[JesusAndYourBush]

Ayrshire variant:

Went to a party at the county jail
Ripped ma baws on a rusty nail
Went to the doctor and asked
"What will i do?"
He said "stick them back together with bawstick glue"

Ah, that rings a bell, although in the version I remember it was balsa wood glue.

[Schnapple]

All I wanna do is shag your mum
I've got a feeling I'm not the only one

This one really did it for me, been laughing for several minutes now.

[idunnosomename]

If it's good enough to poo
It's good enough to wee

Didnt get much further with that one

[Chriddof]

"...It's good to grab your cock, and try to bum a flea"

[Jerzy Bondov]

Fraggle variant:

Down at Fraggle Rock
Grab a Fraggle by his cock
Throw him in the air
Catch him by his pubic hair

Then it went into the chainsaw bit. I guess the first Fraggle didn't die in this version, but his penis took a lot of punishment so that's okay. Not sure if Fraggles had pubes to be honest and sadly we can't ask the late Jim Henson.

[Artie Fufkin]

I sucked off Uncle Travelling Matt, he was very hairy

[buzby]

Last Christmas I gave you my arse
And the very next day you said I was gay

One of my old managers at Kwiksave used to sing
"Last Christmas, I gave you my length
Now the baby is due on September the tenth
This year, to save me from tears
I'm going to wear a condom"

[flotemysost]

HES GOT THE WHOLE WORLD

UP HIS ARSE

actually i suppose hymns are different territory

My school went with the milder (but closer to the original, therefore easier to get away with in assembly) 'IN HIS PANTS'.

[Chollis]

Sheryl Crowe:

All I wanna do is shag your mum
I've got a feeling I'm not the only one

superb

[Artie Fufkin]

"Last Christmas, I gave you my length
Now the baby is due on September the tenth

Factual. Nice.