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What Biblical Toy Would You Like?

Started by Small Man Big Horse, November 05, 2019, 06:35:46 PM

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Small Man Big Horse

I went to see "A Shaun The Sheep Movie: Farmageddon" at the weekend and in among the various adverts for fast food and prostitutes was one for this lovely little toy:



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2aPXjOdods

Yup, now you can make your child's dreams come true with a Noah's Ark Playmobil set (flood sold separately), it's only £69.99 too so I know what I'll be asking Santa for Christmas.

But what biblical toy set do you dream of owning?

NJ Uncut

A whore.

Like the Lord Jesus Christ had

Endicott

First I've heard that there were meerkats on the Ark (I know, I know, but still).

Quote from: NJ Uncut on November 05, 2019, 06:36:56 PM
A whore.

Like the Lord Jesus Christ had

He didn't shag her though. She just washed his feet with her own hair.

Jesus was into some weird shit.

Kryton

Quote from: Huxleys Babkins on November 05, 2019, 06:42:03 PM
He didn't shag her though. She just washed his feet with her own hair.

Jesus was into some weird shit.

That sounds lovely to be honest.

But for me it'd be a giant Moses basket and I'd just float away from any Egyptians that want me dead. See you later mate. Haha.


imitationleather


Rizla

A little Ark of the Covenant that you wind up and it makes sparks (like some old tin robots make) between the Seraphim's wingtips.

Icehaven

Quote from: Small Man Big Horse on November 05, 2019, 06:35:46 PM




I'm sure my infant school had that back in the 80s, but it may just have been a Playmobile boat and animals that the nuns told us was the ark.

Pink Gregory

Loaves and fishes shapes for them Play-Doh press things.

Also the Play-Do self-multiplies infinitely.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

Quote from: Huxleys Babkins on November 05, 2019, 06:42:03 PM
He didn't shag her though. She just washed his feet with her own hair.

Jesus was into some weird shit.

Proto Tarintino Type.

Buelligan

Carpentry set and a platter with the head of John the Baptist on it.  Also a Cup of Abominations.

Kryton

Quote from: icehaven on November 05, 2019, 06:53:27 PM
I'm sure my infant school had that back in the 80s, but it may just have been a Playmobile boat and animals that the nuns told us was the ark.

That toy is bullshit. I can think of about eight or nine missing animals. Ants. Tarantulas. Sheep. Dolphins (but why would you save a dolphin from a flood?) And some others. Dogs or something.
Absolute shambles. Noah should think twice about his so called 'ark'.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

Quote from: Small Man Big Horse on November 05, 2019, 06:35:46 PM
I went to see "A Shaun The Sheep Movie: Farmageddon" at the weekend and in among the various adverts for fast food and prostitutes was one for this lovely little toy:



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2aPXjOdods

Yup, now you can make your child's dreams come true with a Noah's Ark Playmobil set (flood sold separately), it's only £69.99 too so I know what I'll be asking Santa for Christmas.

But what biblical toy set do you dream of owning?

That ark should be a bit fucking bigger ("Jaws" screenplay writer considers  rewrite).

ETA: Kryton has made a similar point.

Kryton

Also building a so called 'ark' in a mountainous valley is just asking for trouble. At best it'd become a walled off basin. Mate.

Kryton

Also it looks like the weather is lovely. Not a spot of rain. He'd have been better just opening a kind of zany animal cafe or something.

Kryton

And I'm not one to cause a fuss but it's a health and safety nightmare. A lion and lioness  left unsupervised whilst Mrs Moses arses about with a pair of parrots. No wonder there's no other animals.
Fucking shambles.
Fuming. Those Meerkats are fucked.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

Quote from: Kryton on November 05, 2019, 07:27:58 PM

Those Meerkats are fucked.

Well, that's the general idea!! Play me off, Eugene!
OMS: JAUNTY PIANO MUSIC

Small Man Big Horse

Quote from: NJ Uncut on November 05, 2019, 06:36:56 PM
A whore.

Like the Lord Jesus Christ had

Unfortunately they don't seem to do Biblical Whores, but can I interest you in their "Woman Who Fucks Cats" set?


Bennett Brauer

Quote from: Kryton on November 05, 2019, 07:23:52 PM
Also it looks like the weather is lovely. Not a spot of rain.
There's a hint of hazy cirrus beyond the fairweather cumulus, a sign of an approaching depression. Praise Him.

alan nagsworth





I stumbled upon these Judaic passover plague finger puppets recently. On having a quick search I discovered there's a fair few different companies making these. Here are two versions for your consideration.

I personally love the dead child imagery, and the cup of blood with a straw in it.

Lordofthefiles


chveik


idunnosomename

SODOM PLAYSET

JOB AND SATAN DOUBLE PACK. BOIL CURSING ACTION

EYED WHEEL WITH EZEKIEL

JESUS (SEE-THRU TRANSFIGURATION VERSION)

WHORE OF BABYLON RIDING THE SEVEN-HEADED BEAST DELUXE FIGURE

the Bible's pretty cool if you market it right

Gregory Torso

Quote from: Endicott on November 05, 2019, 06:39:01 PM
meerkats
Quote from: Kryton on November 05, 2019, 07:27:58 PM
Meerkats

Fucking meerkats, I swear to Christ. Meerkats are Biblical now? thats great. Honestly, I can't think of any other animal that has gone from being a cute lil anomaly popping up one sunday teat feeding time on "Wildlifes For One", to being an absolute abominable cunt that everyone hates in such a short time.

Ten or twelve years ago, no one had heard of meerkats, NO ONE. If you'd have showed your dad a picture of one in a book he'd have said "whats that, some kind of disgusting hairy weevil" and then teed your fucking face of the front of your head for dabbling in books instead of getting chips down you.
Daved Attenbrough, for all the nice things he's done for the monkeys and apes and whales of this world (all mammals, you'll notice, that we're related to, except for whales which are basically big long bald dogs that think they're too good to eat fish and shit like the rest of us), he killed meerkats dead in the water the second they popped up there, ey arthur look at them mouses standing up like little people, like the kids we never had, cute as chinese and now every childrens hospital wing, every bookies holding pen, every prison conjugal fuck caravan has to have one, GET A MEERKAT ON IT, it'll sell, i do a comedy romanian accent, senor.

And you don't know what they are. You are at the zoo, looking at a meerkat, years ago, going "aw look at the little caterpillars" no you thick cow, try again, "it's so cute, kawaii, bianca, squee, i want one BUY ME ONE OF THOSE WEASELS"
Dad, you told me the garden was full of "sergeis" but they were just angry moles and you laughed when one came torpedoing out of the topsoil and bit my finger off. and then you said "THAT'S for being a smart cunt" and threw a can of asda bitter at me.

and now Biblical Noah's barse merkaks, its taking the absolute bollocks, just the right size to get stuck in a child's wind pipe and when its whipped to hospital on the back of Dad's haloumi vape paedo-scooter, an doctor can extract it and say "what is that animal, i have never seen nor heard of nor understood that animal, is it perchance a flying fox"
ooh sergei you are eating my arsehole raw through this delicious spicy nandos drive-thru window. I hope jesus is real and he comes back to earth, builds a new ark, only allows on board anyone who has been delighted by the caperings of a meerkat or said go compare, and then seals the hatches shut and burns the whole sorry joyless barge down into ashes and cinders, simples.

Dex Sawash


Cerys

It would have to be those bones that get up and walk around.

Small Man Big Horse

Quote from: Cerys on November 05, 2019, 08:47:06 PM
It would have to be those bones that get up and walk around.

I do believe that once again you're mixing up The Bible with the television series Trap Door.


Small Man Big Horse

Quote from: alan nagsworth on November 05, 2019, 07:47:15 PM




I stumbled upon these Judaic passover plague finger puppets recently. On having a quick search I discovered there's a fair few different companies making these. Here are two versions for your consideration.

I personally love the dead child imagery, and the cup of blood with a straw in it.

Man these are going to liven up my lessons with the Chinese kids no end. Maybe the french adults too for that matter.