The Bee Gees walking off other shows.

[Glebe]

The Late Show with David Letterman.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and first up tonight, the Bee Gees!

The Bee Gees come out and sit down.

LETTERMAN: And before we begin guys, I just wanna say I think you're a bunch of tossers!

BARRY GIBB: You're the tosser, Pal!

They walk off.

[Spoon of Ploff]

The Wogan Show with Wogan

WOGAN: Ladies and Gentlemen. Have we got a treat for you this evening, its the Bee Gees!

The Bee Gee saunter in and sit down

WOGAN: Good to see you lads. First question to you Barry. Have you read the news today oh boy?

BARRY GIBB: Fuck off you cunt.

They stand up and saunter out.

[Ferris]

This would work better if they did funky '70s disco-dancing as they exited stage left, but with stoney faces of muted fury.

Think on.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

♪♪♪ You should be flouncin' ♪♪♪
♪♪♪ Yeah ♪♪♪

[Glebe]

So Graham Norton.

A YOUNG GRAHAM NORTON: Sure good eeeevening and welcome to So Graham Norton, with me, A Young Graham Norton! Later, some naughty pictures of things, but first... the Bee Gees!

The Bee Gees come out and sit down.

A YOUNG GRAHAM NORTON: Now! Before we go any further lads, let me just say that you'll always be Les Tosseurs to me!

BARRY GIBB: You're the Les Tosseur, gay Irish Pal!

They walk off.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Please welcome to the stage, THE BEEGES!

          BEEGES STORM TOWARDS DAVID LETTERMAN, IGNORE HIS OUTSTRETCHED HAND,
          KEEP WALKING STRAIGHT OFF THE SET, RIPPING OFF THEIR LAVALIER MICS

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Hello and welcome to Can't Pay, We'll Take It Away

I can pay

Bye then

[Huxleys Babkins]

INT. BBC TV CENTRE, BACKSTAGE

PRODUCER: Right gents, minor problem, Terry's come down with food poisoning. I'm afraid it is both ends. Luckily, we've got Ben Elton on standby.

*THE BEE GEES RUN, SCREAMING, FROM THE BUILDING*

[Bennett Brauer]

JUDY FINNIGAN: Hello and welcome to This Morning. We'll be catching up with the weather from our floating paedophile later, but first up, it's a warm welcome to our very special guests, The Bee Gees.

[Barry, Maurice and Robin enter to the sound of a floor manager clapping]

RICHARD MADELEY: Morning guys... Where's Andy?

[They walk off]

[non capisco]

BBC BREAKFAST NEWS

DAN WALKER: Good morning, welcome to BBC Breakfast news with Dan Walker and Naga Munchetty

NAGA MUNCHETTY: Coming up soon we've got The Bee Gees on the sofa..

DAN WALKER: Yes, we've been practicing our falsettos. (falsetto) AAAAHHHHH!

NAGA MUNCHETTY: (faux cringe) Ooh, dear!

DAN WALKER: Dogs are barking all over Manchester now!

NAGA MUNCHETTY: Needs a bit of work perhaps!

DAN WALKER: But forget about Saturday Night Fever, what about World Cup fever! Here's Sally with the sport. Oh, I forgot to say it's 1982 and the World Cup is currently being held in Spain.

SALLY NUGENT: That's right, Dan. It's 1982 and the World Cup is currently being held in Spain!

NAGA MUNCHETTY: And how are our boys doing?

SALLY NUGENT: Well..do you know a little bird told me that they had a much deserved break from training yesterday and went on a wine tasting day out at Tossa de Mar!

BARRY GIBB: You're the tosser, pal.

(THE BEE GEES walk out)

[Phoenix Lazarus]

COMPERE: '...Tonight, featuring the Bee Gees...'

BEE GEES: 'Not-featuring not-featuring us now.  We're no longer doin' it.'

COMPERE: 'We're live for recording!  You can't do this!  Stop laughing, too.  it isn't funny!'

BEE GEES: 'Ha ha haaa!  We're not staying though it's live, stayin' though it's live.'

COMPERE: 'You not really walking out!?'

BEE GEES: 'Well you can tell by the way we're doin' this walk, we're a-done with you, don't want to talk.'

[Glebe]

Nolan Live (N.I. chat and debate show hosted by Stephen Nolan).

STEPHEN NOLAN: Sure we've got a great surprize now for ye for so we do, I dunno how we dun it but we got Robin and Maurice Gibb to come back alive and join brother Barry on the show, so ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome please... The Bee-Gees!

The Bee-Gees come out and take their seats.

NOLAN: So before we begin, lads, gotta bit of a controversial sitchiation gon on here... y'see, you'll always be tossers to me!

BARRY GIBB: You're the tosser, so it is, aye!

The Bee-Gees walk off.

[Glebe]

The Today programme with Bill Grundy.

BILL GRUNDY: Hello and welcome to Today, and 'today', heh, I am interviewing these new punk rockers, the Sex Pistols!

MAURICE GIBB: 'e's loike y'facking granddad!

GRUNDY: What did you say?

MAURICE: Naffing... a rude thing!

ROBIN GIBB: Yoo dir'y bostard!

BARRY GIBB: Cor, wot a rottah!

GRUNDY: Well I certainly hope I never meet you again, you bunch of tossers!

BARRY: You're the tosser pal!

They walk off.

MUSIC: Doodahdahdoodahdoot-dah-dah--doo, dah dah...

[BlodwynPig]

Phil Scholefield: coming up later we have Jossy's Giants

Barry Gibb: could have sworn that predated the broom cupboard. Anyway your gopher is the tosser

Walks out

[DangledTeeth]

Question Time

Music: Plinkydinkyplinkydinkydoo

Fiona Bruce: Joining me on the panel are Barry Gibb, musician. Will Self, novelist and columnist. Phillip Bastard, Conservative MP of Crackington Haven. Amanda Smug, Labour MP of Surrey Hills Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty. And Roehampton Magma, executive chairman of the Brexit Party.

Music: RRRum-dum-dum-dum-dun.

Fiona Bruce: Boris Johnson Prime Minister PM was in the news earlier this week.

Phillip Bastard: Well, I wholeheartedly back the prime minister's stance on Brexit. We must protect our economy and respect democracy.

Will Self: The fundamental tragedy of Boris Johnson is his indefatigably brobdingnagian persistence in orating asinine rhetoric.

Barry Gibb: You're the tosser, pal.

Will Self: AwWwWW! That's not nice, mate.

Phillip Bastard: He might have been looking at me

Barry Gibb walks out of Shepton Mallet community centre

[Glebe]

^Heh! Nice one Danglers!

[Glebe]

The Jonathan Ross Show.

JONATHAN ROSS: Wadies an' gen'ulman, the Bee Gees!

The Bee Gees come on.

JONATHAN: Naw, befoware we begwin, gen'ulman, let me jast say, oi wioll not say anyfink offensive loike vat Cloive Andohsahn!

BARRY: Nevertheless, we think you are a tosser, pal.

They walk off.

[Huxleys Babkins]

LEE MACKENZIE: Jings the noo! Welcome to the Highland Games on BBC Scotland. Is this even a thing? Fuck knows, Babkins is fucking labouring this one but the punchline's probably worth it. And stood oot here in this field are our special guests, the Bee Gees!

BARRY: Good evening, Lee! What a great highland games it's been! We've certainly enjoyed watching the shot putt and the tug-o-war over the past couple of days and we can't wait to perform our greatest hits at the closing ceilidh. Not fucking googling to see if that's real. Not arsed.

LEE MACKENZIE: And what did you think about the performance from our caber tossers?

BARRY: You're the tosser, mate.

ROBIN: Aye, and yer da's a cunt an' all.

*BARRY AND ROBIN STORM OFF*

MAURICE: I suppose I'd better go as well. Fuck it, post.

[Replies From View]

AND NOW, THE TIME IS NEEEEAR.  Oops wrong song was that.

Wasn't one of ours.

THAT'S THE WAY, I LIKE IT MMHM  MMHM

No isn't ours

LOVIN IT LIKE THADDA

Look pal if you want us on your show at least remember which ones we are

No well I'm not going to do that.  HELLO VIEWERS and of course welcome to dedicated 'optimism' shopping channel Q4 where I will naturally be calling out lines from the chart hits of POPTASTIC new cult band the bee gees

Alright ben nevis it's super good to be in your show and stay on it until the end

PINE NEEDLES GOING INTO MY KNOB O YEAH LIKE RAIN ON A SAUTEED CHILD O YEAH

Not one of ours, that's Diana Ross

They're all yours.   A WINDSWEPT CORPSE DECRIES SUCH BUDDING PISS OR FLEDGLING ANUS ON A WINTERS DAY, OR RUN AWAY

That was Sting I think

Nope it was yours.  So what's it like being a bee gee

Mostly fine there's a few problems corresponding to whether we have enough time to finish our songs off

Or to get your beards trimmed probably

Pardon

No or to get your beards trimmed I suspect

Right now fuck this, larkboy.  You have talked of nothing but our beards since we got here and now we are due to let this interview off the hook.  Good day to you fat sir.

[bee gees swing off]

[Huxleys Babkins]

MICHEL ROUX JR: Welcome to a special Shrove Tuesday edition of Saturday Kitchen Live. This morning's guests are none other than the Bee Gees!

BARRY: Oh, is that right, eh? Get us in on a pancake special? Make an obvious joke about the process of turning a pancake over midway through cooking? Well, let me tell you something, pal. You're the tosser, mate.

MICHEL ROUX JR: Alright lads, calm down. I wasn't thinking anything of the sort! I personally flip them with a spatula. And you'll always be flippers to me.

Closing Theme