Author Topic: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL  (Read 1637 times)

SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« on: November 09, 2019, 09:03:07 AM »
Off to do one of those soft-focus family photoshoots this morning with my wife and baby. No way would either of us have chosen to do this but it was a gift from her work (at quite a cost from a pro who does celebs I believe) upon the birth of our child. We've put it off for as long as possible but the voucher/whatever for it expires this month and we'd feel guilty not going through with it.

We both despise having our photo taken and don't know what to expect but have been asked to wear pastel colours and bring props so I'm expecting some kind of Last of the Summer Wine theme.

To top it all off we get one 8x10 photo out of it at the end and have to pay for any others we like or £400 for the lot digitally. Fuck that. I'm going to choose the shittest one as the freebie and tell them to bin the rest.

Although something like this would be marvelous...



Anyway, that's how I'm spending my Saturday morning.

icehaven

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2019, 10:09:19 AM »
You should turn up dressed like this.

Edit: can't post pictures from my phone. It was hilarious though, honest.

PlanktonSideburns

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2019, 10:13:53 AM »
yea to not turn up dressed up as total prats would be a tragedy - please say you showed up dressed up as the village idiots from monty python, with baby in a potato costume

what kind of gift is that? one free photo and pressure on to spend 400 bastard quid per photo! i bet Ariana Grande pays less than that per shot mun


PlanktonSideburns

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #3 on: November 09, 2019, 10:15:03 AM »
also, the guys in that shot there look ace - even though the baby clearly has a non-operable case of Dreamworks Face


a duncandisorderly

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #4 on: November 09, 2019, 10:17:45 AM »

icehaven

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #5 on: November 09, 2019, 10:20:41 AM »
Have they really told you to wear pastel? What if you never wear it and don't like it? "Please go out and buy or borrow something you'd never normally wear so you can have an expensive photo of yourselves in clothes you don't even like because we're such shit photographers we can only take decent pictures of people if they're wearing certain colours." Wear neon and take a machete and an AK47 as your props.

PlanktonSideburns

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #6 on: November 09, 2019, 10:22:09 AM »
yea fairplay, this sounds like a shit way to spend the sunday


should have taken some phone pictures of you in the bathroom mirror, told the 'gift' giver that this is what they did

imitationleather

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #7 on: November 09, 2019, 10:23:05 AM »
what kind of gift is that?

This was my thought too. The photoshoot part of the deal is usually free, and then you're subjected to an hour of the hardest sell afterwards.

I bet they didn't pay anything for the voucher.

icehaven

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #8 on: November 09, 2019, 10:27:22 AM »

I bet they didn't pay anything for the voucher.

I suspect this too. If they did then only getting one 'free' photo is quite crap.

Just been on about this in the 'Extremely offline' thread too but photography is so disposable and devalued now I'm surprised these kind of gifts still exist. Unless they're particularly into photography, most people could get a family photo they were perfectly happy with using a half decent phone camera and a few filters.
« Last Edit: November 09, 2019, 10:40:25 AM by icehaven »

PlanktonSideburns

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #9 on: November 09, 2019, 10:58:23 AM »

Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #10 on: November 09, 2019, 11:40:06 AM »
Pastel? Wear a suit.


Rolf Lundgren

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #11 on: November 09, 2019, 11:54:18 AM »
I had this before. Exactly the same in fact except I didn't go with your wife and baby. It lasted about 3 or 4 hours and it wasn't that comfortable an experience. Took loads of photos, loads of poses. Kate Moss works less hard than I did that day.

Afterwards he took us into a room with a big leather sofa, sat us down, gave us a glass of wine and showed all the photos he'd taken on a massive projector. In the background he played something like "Amazed" by Lonestar, only it was much wetter if you can imagine such a thing. Then came the hard sell but we'd both agreed we weren't going to buy any more and stuck fast to it ignoring his patter about once-in-a-lifetime moments and all that.

As you might expect his demeanour changed completely and he couldn't get us out of the door quick enough. It did put me off doing something like that again because the awkwardness of the last part is what I remember more about that day than anything else. God knows where the free photo is now.

icehaven

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #12 on: November 09, 2019, 12:31:30 PM »
Afterwards he took us into a room with a big leather sofa, sat us down, gave us a glass of wine and showed all the photos he'd taken on a massive projector. In the background he played something like "Amazed" by Lonestar, only it was much wetter if you can imagine such a thing.

Holy shit I'd have downed that wine and got myself out the door before the first chorus. The terrible thought is that that must work more often than not or they wouldn't do it.
« Last Edit: November 09, 2019, 12:42:55 PM by icehaven »

PlanktonSideburns

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #13 on: November 09, 2019, 12:49:17 PM »
So how many photos do you recon konki hs bought by now?

icehaven

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #14 on: November 09, 2019, 12:54:38 PM »
So how many photos do you recon konki hs bought by now?

All of them of course, unless both he and his wife are one of the approx 10-15% of people with an immunity to the hypnotism thing they have in the camera.

Gradual Decline

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #15 on: November 09, 2019, 01:06:03 PM »
Off to do one of those soft-focus family photoshoots

Hope you're going for the classic trapped in a lifeless white void look, similar to these suburban bastards:




icehaven

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #16 on: November 09, 2019, 01:46:51 PM »
Hope you're going for the classic trapped in a lifeless white void look, similar to these suburban bastards:



Book your all-inclusive visit to Purgatory today, kids go free!!

Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #17 on: November 10, 2019, 07:19:40 PM »
Well that was an experience. We were put at rest the moment we arrived due to the promotional photos of Biggins, Billy Murray and Boycie on the wall but quite soon the comfort provided by these titans of light entertainment dissipated when the shoot started.

We were guided, cajoled and fondled into unnatural positions and, not for the first time, I pondered how difficult life as a supermodel might be. Apparently my wife smiled too much and I moved my head out of position too often which seemed to cause the artist serious grief. After an hour or so of grinning and bearing it whilst apparently causing acute consternation to the professional we were free to relax for ten minutes while he put together the portfolio.

We then got the leather sofa and soft music routine (that ukulele version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow) followed by the hard sell. To be fair the photos of our baby were really lovely (we hated the ones which included us) but we stuck to our guns and only took the free 10x8. I can see how weaker people would get rinsed with the haggling what with the dizzying variety of pricing options and 'special offers' bandied about. We also had no say in the composition of the images and neither of us were comfortable with the posing. All round appalling way to spend a Saturday morning. I will never buy anyone one of those 'experience' gifts as long as I live.

Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #18 on: November 10, 2019, 07:56:20 PM »
I’d like to see the exact moment when all the emotion drained from his eyes when he realised he hadn’t made a sale. He should have taken a photo of that. I’d buy it.

Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #19 on: November 10, 2019, 08:45:33 PM »
god that sounds awful.  I bet these "gifts" are actually given away for free by the photographer in order to get punters through the door.

Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #20 on: November 10, 2019, 09:20:47 PM »
Quote
god that sounds awful.  I bet these "gifts" are actually given away for free by the photographer in order to get punters through the door.

Yep, we won a 'free' family photo shoot at our kids school Xmas raffle one year. Straight in the bin with it though. I know their game too well, no way was I sitting through the hard sell bullshit. As the years go by you find the best and most authentic family photographs are always the snaps you take yourself.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #21 on: November 11, 2019, 06:08:14 AM »
Quote
Straight in the bin with it though

Odd to get in the bin with the thing you're throwing away but I fucking love the pathos of it.

icehaven

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #22 on: November 11, 2019, 06:28:34 AM »
We then got the leather sofa and soft music routine (that ukulele version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow)

That must be what being at your own memorial service would be like.

Default to the negative

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #23 on: November 11, 2019, 07:15:47 AM »
We then got the leather sofa and soft music routine (that ukulele version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow) followed by the hard sell. To be fair the photos of our baby were really lovely (we hated the ones which included us) but we stuck to our guns and only took the free 10x8.

The sad thing is that the baby doesn’t have a choice in any of this. I bet when they grow up they will despise these photos with a vengeful animus.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow and pastel pant suits? How insipid can you get, dad? I’ll put you somewhere over the rainbow, I’ll put you in a fucking coma if you don’t take those humiliating pictures off of the mantlepiece.’

Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #24 on: November 11, 2019, 07:16:39 AM »
As has been said it was almost certainly either a freebee or a very cheap voucher, no way did someone pay more than £10-20 for that. I would say that the portrait hard sell is generally viewed as one step above/below paparazzo when it comes to moral careers in professional photography. The most I'v ever gone towards that was doing a handful of outdoor dog portrait shoots but I gave the people screen size files for free and then just charged about £30 for prints about twice the size of yours, same as the regular landscapes I sell.

Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #25 on: November 11, 2019, 07:31:45 AM »
The sad thing is that the baby doesn’t have a choice in any of this. I bet when they grow up they will despise these photos with a vengeful animus.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow and pastel pant suits? How insipid can you get, dad? I’ll put you somewhere over the rainbow, I’ll put you in a fucking coma if you don’t take those humiliating pictures off of the mantlepiece.’

Just to confirm we didn't wear pastel colours or take any props. Maybe that's why the photographer exuded an air of exasperation throughout.

Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #26 on: November 11, 2019, 07:34:10 AM »
As has been said it was almost certainly either a freebee or a very cheap voucher, no way did someone pay more than £10-20 for that.

Now I've got the hump. We only went because we got the impression they'd shelled out a fair amount of wedge. Cheating guilt vampires!

Default to the negative

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #27 on: November 11, 2019, 07:35:12 AM »
Just to confirm we didn't wear pastel colours or take any props. Maybe that's why the photographer exuded an air of exasperation throughout.

You should have at least dressed the baby in something amusing. I would have put a tea cosy on his head, make him look like Noddy.

Glebe

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #28 on: November 11, 2019, 07:49:33 AM »

icehaven

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Re: SATURDAY MORNING PHOTOSHOOT HELL
« Reply #29 on: November 11, 2019, 10:05:34 AM »
Now I've got the hump. We only went because we got the impression they'd shelled out a fair amount of wedge. Cheating guilt vampires!

I'm sensing a scam here, has someone at your wife's work done a collection, trousered the cash then hoped no one would notice the gift was either suspiciously cheap or free?