Noel's Really Early Christmas Extravaganza!

[Glebe]

"Ready... set... going LIVE! Hullo everyone, Noel Edmonds here, coming to you LIVE from the top of the London Eye! I'll be here right up to Christmas, with a feast of entertainment for one and all! I've even done myself up to look like '80s Edmonds to elicit a warm, nostalgic glow! Later on we'll be going LIVE via satellite to Dennis Waterman and Rula Lenska in Australia, but first, here's Russ Abbot with his 1984 hit, 'Atmosphere'! Take it away, Russ!

RUSS ABBOT: Thanks, Noel... (singing) Oh what an atmosphere, I love a pardy with a happy atmosphere...

[Glebe]

"Hi folks, Noel back with Noel's Really Early Christmas Extravaganza! And we have a very special treat for you today, as we go LIVE via satellite to Battersea Dogs Home for a special performance from Howard Jones! What's that? Technical difficulties? Not to worry, it's live telly, anything can happen! Fortunately, we have a back up, in the shape of L7... what could possibly go wrong? Take it away, girls!"

[Glebe]

"Hello and welcome, as we open another window on the Noel's Really Early Christmas Extravaganza calendar! And it's- hello, who's that knocking on the studio door?!?"

"BLOBBBBBY!!!"

"Oh no, it's Blobby! I'd thought I'd seen the last-"

Mr. Blobby proceeds to jump on Noel, knocking him off the couch. He climbs on to Noel, continuing to go "Blobby, Blobby, Blobby!" all the while.

"Get the fuck off me, you big twat!"

"Floor manager to control room, we've got a language situation. Cut to VT."

[Glebe]

"Oh dear. With a mere 100-odd views, my Really Early Christmas Extravaganza is not the roaring success I had hoped for. Hmmm. Looks like I'll have to bring out the big guns..."

Noel gets on the phone.



"Hello, TV Centre? I need your paranormal experts to call upon a few off our finest departed National Treasures... about ten minutes? Fine, thanks a lot, mate!"

Around half and hour later.

"It's nice to see you, to see you, nice!, again, Noel!"

"My produoocer will come looking for money as soon as he learns I have returned from the Ethereal Realm! *snickering laugh*"

"Sure yeh can barely believe yer eyes... 'Wogan, have yeh come back?!," I hear you cry!

"Hahah... thanks, gentlemen, for coming to visit from beyond the Veil!"

[DangledTeeth]

Intro Music

Noel: Greetings, pilgrims. Welcome to the Deer Factory. We're here live in Wrinkly Bumhole. It's the middle of November and it ain't Christmas yet, but all the high-street retailers seem to think so, with their selection of festive ornaments lined up across the shelves. It's Saturday night, 7pm on BBC One... or is it BBC Two? Who cares!? I certainly do - it's Christmaaaaaas. I'm sorry to report to the Strictly fans at home that Bruno Thingynips is stuck in heaving traffic, so we're going to have to fill in a slot for half an hour until the helicopter transports him to the studio.

Doorbell: DING! DUNG! DENG! DAONG!

Noel: Now, who could that be at this holy hour?

Noel opens the door to the sight of Tom Jones and Jerry Hall

Noel: It's singer extraordinaire Tom Jones, and Mike Jagger's former crumpet Jerry Hall.

Audience Recording: WOOOOOOH!

Tom: I'd clowuhse the door if iwah yoooo, boyo. Some un-uuus-su-al pink and yellow fellow has been clumsily jogging behind us and occasionally tembling to the floor. He seems fascinating yet irritating.

Jerry: Yes. And here he is n-

Mr Blobby: BLOBBY-BLOBBY-BLOBBAAAAAY!

Noel: Mr Blobby! What are you doing here?!

Mr Blobby: OOo-blob, blobby!

Tom: Ahyoo frum Weales?

Mr Blobby: Uhhhh..... Blobby.

Noel: We've no idea where he came from. Sometimes we all wished he'd ffffuu- fly away on a one-way ticket!

Audience Recording: Awwwww!

Mr Blobby sighs and bows his head

Mr Blobby: uOoOooHHhhh, bluwb, blob, BLOB-BEeEEeEeee!

Tom: Do-wun't feel so down, Blobby. I've got a lovely little song that meght cheer yoo up.

Mr Blobby: Hwwm... Blobby?

Tom Jones: Whoa, Black Blobby, blob-e-blob. Whoa, Black Blobby, blob-e-blob.

Audience Track: CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!

Tom Jones: My my my Delilah. Why why why Delilah. I could see, that girl was no good for Mr Blobby. But I was lost like a slave that no man could blobby blobby.

Mr Blobby: OOooo-blobby!

Mr Blobby shuffles to the left and right as he waves his arms before falling on his arse, showing his dust-encrusted soles

Noel: Oh, come on, Mr Blobby! (Noel stands indignantly with his hands on his hips) Stand up and help Jerry put on a bauble on the tree

Mr Blobby: Blob-Bleb-BLOBBYYYYY!

Mr Blobby does a stamping jog towards a 9' Christmas tree then stumble-barges into the trunk.

Jerry: OOH!

Tom: Steady on there, mate.

Noel: Mr Blobby! What are you like.

Doorbell: DING! DUNG! DENG! DAONG!

Noel: I believe it's time for our guest musicians to drop by and belt out a Christmas hit.

Noel opens the door and welcomes Danish heavy-metalists King Diamond

Noel: Oh erm, please welcome Kiss to the stage, pilgrims. They are here to perform a cover of Slade's classic yulet-

King: WUH-HAHHAHHAHHAH-HAAAAAAH!

Noel: Okay...

King: CHRISTMAS TIME IS HERE AGAAAAAIN. SANTA NEEDS A HELPING HAAAAAND. WE CANNOT FIND HIS EVIL SHEEEEET. TO DRAW HIS LAYING FOR THE NIGHT. SO ALL THE WAITING CHRISTMAS TREEEEES. GONNA HEAR THEIR MASTER SINNNNNG. THERE'S NO PRESENTS, NOT THIS CHRISTMAS. THERE'S NO PRESENTS. TOM AND JERRY, DRINKING SHERRY. THEY DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

Tom: Actually, it's not sherry. It's a very trendy citrus IPA. Quite nice as it goes. Would you like a sip, Mr Blobby?

Mr Blobby: Bloooo-blobby-blub-blob.

End Theme

[Glebe]

^Now we've got an Extravaganza!

"Merry not-Christmas-yet, everyone!" - Noel.

[Glebe]

"Hi folks, on today's show we'll be greeting the Christmas Goose!"

"QUACK!"

[Glebe]

"Hi everybody, Noel back with another dose of pre-festive cheer! And today I'm delighted to announce the return of Telly Addicts, just for a brief period! Now... I'm going to show you a clip of Edmund Blackadder's The Christmas Carol, and I want you to look closely!"



"Now, here's the question... who was the man on the right featured in that clip? The phone lines are open now!"

Half an hour later.

"Hi folks, I'm here interviewing special guest star... PAUL MCCARTNEY!"

Stage hands clap and whistle.

"Now, do you remember our Telly Addicts quiz earlier? The answer was... 'Ebeneezer Baldrick'! And the winner is Mrs. Ada Tovey from Glastonbury. A signed picture of Mr. Bean is winging it's way out to you, Ada! See you tomorrow, folks!"

[Glebe]

"Good morning, everybody, and with just three weeks to Christmas, the festive mood is really building up! We've got a really lovely surprise for you this morning, as we go LIVE via satellite to two beloved national plonkers... I'm talking about Only Fools and Horses' Del and Rodney of course, AKA Sir David Jason and Nicholas Lyndhurst! They're currently sunning themselves in Australia as they prepare for a run in Puss in Boots there for the panto season! So without further ado... hi, David and Nicholas, can you here me?"



"We can hear you Noel! Cor, you look very festive!"

"Yes, David, I'm dressed as Santa Claus! And from one St. Nicholas to another non-St. Nicholas, how are you, Mr. Nicholas Lyndhurst?"

"Fine, thanks, Noel! Good to be here in Australia during the winter!"

"Haha, yes! And are you looking forward to doing the panto?"

"Panto? Er..."

"Ah um you're in Puss and Boots, the pair of you, over there, no?"

"Uh, I dunno where you heard that, Noel. M'self and Nicholas are just here on 'oliday."

"Oh right. Well, goodbye, the pair of you!"

[Glebe]

"You join me, here, once again LIVE atop the London Eye, and with the big day getting closer we're ramping up the excitement here in the studio! Yes, for one day only, I'm bringing back Deal or No Deal, with the top prize of two-hundred-and-fifty grand being specially augmented by the biggest fuck-off stuffed turkey in history! So join us, after the break, when... oh wait, there's no ad breaks on the BBC... and Deal is a Channel 4 show. Fuck it. Alright, lads, scrap that. Scrap that."

[bgmnts]

Elf death count: 3

[Glebe]

Elf death count: 3

And Noel strangled them himself.

[DangledTeeth]

Noel: Season's greetings, pilgrims. Here I am in the Christmas Factory at Wrinkly Bottoms, wearing my ornate Xmas suit with dollar symbols on the lapels. An-

Doorbell: DING! DUNG! DENG! DAONG!

Noel: Now who could that be fourteen days early?!

Noel answers the door

Noel: Ah, a carol singer!

Man: Actually, I'm from EDF. I've here to check your meter.

Noel: Yes, yes, right this way, up the stairs...

Mr Blobby: UOoOOh, blob-blob-blobbee!

Noel: Yessss, early Merry Christmas to you, Blobby. (Muttered) You staggering cunt.

[willpurry]

Everyone gets a soap on a rope from Lush.

[Glebe]

"Hi folks, Noel back LIVE atop the London Eye, and you joins us for a very special edition of the Really Early Christmas Extravaganza as we bring back Are You Smarter Than a 10 Year Old? for ONE DAY ONLY! And our special guest today is Countdown's Rachel Riley!"

*studio crew cheer and clap because there's no studio audience, though people gaze from outside into the studio 'bubble'*

"Great to be here, Noel!"

"Indeed, Rachel, and you're up against 10 year old Rebecca Twiggins from Holmfirth. I can't remember the format of the show, but we'll just go for it. Right, here's a question; what's 100 divided by two?"

"That's fifty, Noel!"

"That's right, Rebecca, and you are the WINNER! Rachel... what happened?"

"I'm afraid that question was too tough even for me, Noel!"

"Heh... see you tomorrow, folks! More eggnog, anybody?"

[Glebe]

"Hi folks, Noel here again, and there's much excitement here LIVE atop the London Eye as we near the Big Day. And I know it's not the best time of the year to be spouting off, but just for once, I'd like to get political here today.

"I am sick - and I mean SICK and TIRED of this fucking country. First, we accepted Brussels and their barmy regulations about straight bananas. Then we started coming up with our own doolally regulations restricting this, that and the other. Now we've gorn full Brexit with a side-order of Broken Britain! Well I've had enough! It's Bonkaz Britain, and I've decided to do something about it! And so here, LIVE in the studio, I present a giant Christmas pud, for all to see! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

[Glebe]

"Hello again, folks! I hope you've all had a lovely Christmas and are looking forward to 2020! And don't forget to tune into my special Hogmanay Special on the 31st! Many Happy Returns!"

[Glebe]

"Happy New Year, everybody! The party's still going on here at Noel HQ atop the London Eye, and I'm absolutely mashed off my bin on bisturbile drugs! Good luck!"