Dealing with the death of a young person.

[SteK]

Devastated. A few week ago my son's bandmate and friend lost his life - swept out to sea in Bridport, he was 24, I'm 58 but it's deeply affected me for some reason, could be cos my son seems largely unconcerned, I know he's bottling it up, he's like I was at his age, keep it inside and don't open up. Wish he would. I knew the lad quite well too. Don't know what to do.

Poor lad, life is such a bastard....

https://metro.co.uk/2019/11/14/haunting-final-picture-man-swept-sea-trying-save-mum-11123590/

[Jockice]

I can't really offer you any advice I'm afraid but you do have my sympathy.

[SteK]

I can't really offer you any advice I'm afraid but you do have my sympathy.

Thanks. Over the years I've changed from the bottling-up type to the getting-upset over anything type, I know which is best. Bottling up just harbours resentment and is toxic. I think I need to get my son to open up, he won't yet, it's not an overnight process...

'To any me, it's pointless to anybody
That doesn't have faith
Give me the cloth and I'll wipe my face.....'

[Twit 2]

Aw man, your post was bad enough but I just read that article and it's heartbreaking. Not surprised you're cut up about it.

I have to say, I grew up on the Cornish coast and it does give you a very healthy respect for the power of the sea. I live in Norfolk now and the North Sea is a piss take compared to the open Atlantic. You need lifeguards coming into your infants school and scaring the shit out of you about rip tides; you need to be comprehensively and sarcastically bollocked over the tannoy for stepping an inch outside the red and yellers; you need to be knocked backwards by a 7 foot wave until you don't know which way is up, your nose and mouth fills up with water and you just stand up in time to get fucked over by the next one. You probably also need to watch that scene in Under the Skin a few times. Underestimate the sea at your peril, as those two found out the very hard way. Fuck.

[SteK]

Aw man, your post was bad enough but I just read that article and it's heartbreaking. Not surprised your cut up about it.

I have to say, I grew up on the Cornish coast and it does give you a very healthy respect for the power of the sea. You need lifeguards coming into your infants school and scaring the shit out of you about rip tides; you need to be comprehensively and sarcastically bollocked over the tannoy for stepping an inch outside the red and yellers; you need to be knocked backwards by a 7 foot wave until you don't know which way is up, your nose and mouth fills up with water and you just stand up in time to get fucked over by the next one. You probably also need to watch that scene in Under the Skin a few times.

Thing is a few weeks before I fell into the Royal Canal here (Dublin) it was dark and I know canals aren't deep tho I didn't feel the bottom when I was it! I cant win and I thought my number was up really, I thought this is how I go.

Somehow got out but this kind of brings it home, drowning, I'm convinced I've drowned in a past life...

[Cloud]

Fucking hell that's awful.  There's just no denying really that it's an absolute bastard for someone to tragically lose his life so young, or what the mother is going through with the natural thought any parent would have that they'd have preferred the roles to be reversed.

Suppose all anyone can really do is be there for each other, hopefully the mother will also get the support she needs to help her live the life that he gave his own for.

Thoughts with your son and all affected

[idunnosomename]

there's nothing you can do. well if you see his mum give her a big hug and tell that her son was a excellent person. A really horrible accident.

[Kryton]

Sorry to hear that. Just read the article. Such a brave fucking lad trying to save his Mum.

I'm afraid I can't offer you much advice, but I personally think it's important to keep an eye on each other, as grief affects people in different ways.
Best wishes.

[alan nagsworth]

Time is a great healer, SteK. It helps to rationalise this thought by picturing it as a visual scene in your mind. The great winds of change, say, or the endless impermanence of sunrise, sunset. Just whatever you do, don't picture it as an ocean.

[SteK]

Time is a great healer, SteK. It helps to rationalise this thought by picturing it as a visual scene in your mind. The great winds of change, say, or the endless impermanence of sunrise, sunset. Just whatever you do, don't picture it as an ocean.

Cheers!

I'm 58, I've seen lots go at all ages, just this one hits home more probs cos of my lad maybe. The kid was a good kid, honest, not a bad bone in his body, had a penchant for putting umlauts in his name 'Röss Pärkër but that's forgivable.....

[Cerys]

I bet you're right about your son bottling it up.  At that age you feel as if you're immortal, and having one of you prove that wrong by dying is a smack in the face both with grief for their loss, and with the disillusionment of having to accept that you won't live forever.  It's going to take time for you all to get past that.  If a Huge Welsh Hug affords any kind of assistance, just say the word.

[alan nagsworth]

Cheers!

I'm 58, I've seen lots go at all ages, just this one hits home more probs cos of my lad maybe. The kid was a good kid, honest, not a bad bone in his body, had a penchant for putting umlauts in his name 'Röss Pärkër but that's forgivable.....

Yeah, it's fucked. You have my condolences for having to experience this.

[idunnosomename]

I actually think you should let him bottle it up and uncork it when the time is right. It's not going necessarily be better or worse if he does it immediately. He'll come to it in his own time.

I had a friend die like six years ago (in his 20s) and I think it's only starting to resonate now.

[SteK]

I bet you're right about your son bottling it up.  At that age you feel as if you're immortal, and having one of you prove that wrong by dying is a smack in the face both with grief for their loss, and with the disillusionment of having to accept that you won't live forever.  It's going to take time for you all to get past that.  If a Huge Welsh Hug affords any kind of assistance, just say the word.

Diolch yn fawr if I remember my Welsh.

And poptyping.

Virtual hug accepted and many thanks!!

[SteK]

Gonna watch Angela's Ashes to cheer myself up!

Reverting to type!

[Cerys]

Diolch yn fawr if I remember my Welsh.

And poptyping.

Virtual hug accepted and many thanks!!

HUGE WELSH HUG ALERT!

[Ferris]

I remember being a similar age to your son, and having a similar tragedy, and feeling numb. When I actually acknowledged it, it felt like trying to sneeze but I couldn't (but crying instead of sneezing), so I kept intentionally feeling numb for another year or so because I couldn't get the feeling to start. I had the same thing when we had a miscarriage about a year before my son was born.

I remember one day (for both things, actually) I started crying and didn't think I'd ever be able to stop. I forget what set them off now.

It'll be ok, you'll be fine and you'll be better. But speak to your son, he feels it too but may not be able to express it. I wasn't. Get him pissed and ask him his feelings, that worked for me as far as I remember.

All the best.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I'm convinced I've drowned in a past life...

If it helps, there aren't past lives so there's one thing off your mind.

[Glebe]

That's truly awful SteK, my deepest sympathies... I hope your son manages to let his feelings out at some point.

[Jockice]

Cheers!

I'm 58, I've seen lots go at all ages, just this one hits home more probs cos of my lad maybe. The kid was a good kid, honest, not a bad bone in his body, had a penchant for putting umlauts in his name 'Röss Pärkër but that's forgivable.....

I used to do that when I was young too. And spell my name as one word. So he sounds like a great chap.

I'm only a little bit younger than you (54) but like you have known plenty of people who died before their time, although I think the youngest was my best mate at school's brother who died in his early 30s.  Actually, that was a suicide, I think as a result of repressing emotions until it got too much for him. His mum died when he was 14 and at the funeral he looked like he was waiting for a bus. Totally uninterested. My mate (18 at the time) was crying his eyes out but it affected him badly over the years as well. Just in a different way. His life was a total mess while his younger sibling seemed to have a pretty settled life. Until he did that. Nobody was expecting it.

I don't think that's helpful actually, but what I'm trying (probably badly) to say is that grief can affect even family members differently but you know your son so I just hope you can tell him that there's nothing to be ashamed of in crying etc and if he wants to talk to you you'll always be there for him. Best wishes anyway.

[Shaky]

I actually think you should let him bottle it up and uncork it when the time is right. It's not going necessarily be better or worse if he does it immediately. He'll come to it in his own time.

I concur with this. Your son will process things in the only way he knows how, but it sounds like you'll be ready to help and listen when the time comes and that's  enough. That's all you can do, really.