Falling Out with My Boyfriend

[Pride of Elvis]

So, my boyfriend just walked off because I was venting my frustration about an admin-related problem at work and disagreed with him when he said I was treating it as "the end of the world". He questioned me from the very start and started to break down how it is I should be reacting.

The thing is he gets angry and frustrated about plenty of things almost every day - sometimes I think I'm only person or thing that frustrates him the least. And in no way would he tolerate anyone telling him he's overreacting, analysing and re-explaining his experience or offering an alternative perspective. I made that mistake a few times in the past but now I am always sympathetic to his feelings and do understand his reasoning.

I just thought he'd likewise be vaguely sympathetic to my situation, given the kind of things he's complained about in the past. I didn't feel that my level of anger was way out of proportion with his usual levels.

This isn't the first time this has happened. Every time I start getting huffy about things, he completely loses patience and walks off to decompress. I feel like I'm a sounding board and the sharp lesson is not to express or stand up for myself because it upsets people. (He calls my communication skills "horrible" but I'm afraid this is one of the reasons why. Not singling him out, it's been like this all my life.)

Sorry, I'm just sad right now...

[Pride of Elvis]

Is this normal? I just don't get why he can't see the double standard.

[Small Man Big Horse]

It definitely seems like he's being a bit of a shit. Sometimes you just need to vent, and the decent thing is to listen and let someone do so even if you don't necessarily agree with them.

[Pride of Elvis]

It definitely seems like he's being a bit of a shit. Sometimes you just need to vent, and the decent thing is to listen and let someone do so even if you don't necessarily agree with them.

He's on the spectrum and has sensory issues, which don't help with some of the situations (odours; noise). But, you know, I'm on the spectrum too and also get peevish when it doesn't seem worthwhile (and anyone who's met us knows I'm the more peaceable of the two, which even he will admit every now and then, though most people can see that I'm sensitive to things). However, on this occasion, I was talking about something that would inconvenience both me and my boss, stopping me from doing my job and possibly affecting my building access and my library loans (a lot of which are books I loaned out for him, mark you). Again, considering the kind of things he's complained to me about in the past, day-to-day nuisances which truly no-one will resolve any time soon (funnily enough, he's got cross with me before when I've been upset about 'meaningless' stuff that no-one can do anything about), I didn't think this would stretch the limit.

[Alberon]

Is it bad that I read the thread as "Falling out of my boyfriend" and thought it was a thread about strap-ons?

But I understand your problem. If you can't vent to your other half about all the fuckeries life puts in your way then what use are they?

[madhair60]

Sounds like a gaslighting cunt, get rid

[Pride of Elvis]

But I understand your problem. If you can't vent to your other half about all the fuckeries life puts in your way then what use are they?

The occasions when I can vent to him are when my bugbear exactly matches one of his bugbear. Otherwise, it's a bit dicey whether he'll respond patiently to it or not. I know he wouldn't like it if I lost patience with him.

Sounds like a gaslighting cunt, get rid

Apart from this, we're very well-matched in all sorts of other ways (and do I love him to bits most of the time), but this is a genuine concern for me. I don't think I'd get very far with talking it out with him unless he initiated the conversation.

I don't appreciate the remark about my "horrible" communication, especially when it's something that I've struggled with since I was 2-3 years old. It's part-and-parcel of my condition, I'd have thought. Mind you, I will just say that, these days, I've had quite a number of people that say I'm "charming", "well-spoken" and a real "people person" (not that I ever feel that way). If I've made any progress at all, it's mostly due to my own efforts since I met my boyfriend. I was pretty terrible before I met him.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Yea sounds pretty site of him - you gotta be able to vent sometimes, also what the hell?

[Lost Oliver]

I know gaslighting is a bad thing but it just sounds so cool. Like a gas light. A light of gas. It sounds so bright.

PoE everyone needs to be able to vent and as your partner it's his responsibility to listen. I'm sorry you've had a shit night.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Your communication sounds fine here

If he can't handle just chatting life things with out getting all fluffery buffery, he needs to change or jog on

[checkoutgirl]

Is this normal?

With just the information you gave (your side of the story) he does sound like a bell. I mean, the other half is supposed to be there to make your life easier and support you, not make life harder, it's hard enough. Vice versa of course. It seems like you're doing all the work and walking on eggshells. What's the point in living your whole life like that? That sounds like a pain in the arse.

To put up with that he'd need to be very handsome, be great in bed and have loads of money. If not then you could be wasting your time. Imagine he knocked you up! You'd have two children to deal with, one screaming baby and an overgrown manchild. Fuck that.

[Pride of Elvis]

Imagine he knocked you up! You'd have two children to deal with, one screaming baby and an overgrown manchild. Fuck that.

It's a sobering thought, but luckily my genitals weren't made for such things.

[checkoutgirl]

Ooh, he's on the spectrum. I'm not trying to trivialise mental health issues, but, there are a fair few shitheads about who seem to be using various mental illnesses to excuse being an arse. Where is the line? I don't know obviously, but if you're happy to babysit full grown adults who are on the spectrum then eat your heart out. I'm much too much of a selfish shit to be bothered with someone else's mental illness.

Going out with a damaged human being because you want to fix them or it's your cross to bear is called co-dependency and by all accounts it's not a good, healthy thing to be doing.

[checkoutgirl]

Apart from this, we're very well-matched in all sorts of other ways

Well then, who are we to judge? Nobody, that's who.

[canadagoose]

Sounds like a gaslighting cunt, get rid

This. Bin cunt

[Pride of Elvis]

Sorry, it was pretty shit of me to start this when you're only hearing one side of the story. I don't really have anyone else I can talk to about this. I don't like bitching behind people's back. Probably all blow over soon, I hope...

[Dex Sawash]

Been having trouble with ill-fitting undergarments myself

[PlanktonSideburns]

With just the information you gave (your side of the story) he does sound like a bell. I mean, the other half is supposed to be there to make your life easier and support you, not make life harder, it's hard enough. Vice versa of course. It seems like you're doing all the work and walking on eggshells. What's the point in living your whole life like that? That sounds like a pain in the arse.

To put up with that he'd need to be very handsome, be great in bed and have loads of money. If not then you could be wasting your time. Imagine he knocked you up! You'd have two children to deal with, one screaming baby and an overgrown manchild. Fuck that.

Said what was trying to say way better

[chveik]

nvmind

[PlanktonSideburns]

Might blow over, might but bubble under.

If I behaved like that my wife would rightly kick my arse

[bgmnts]

Just chat with one of his mates.

[checkoutgirl]

Just chat with one of his mates.

...with sexy results!!!

[backdrifter]

Sorry, it was pretty shit of me to start this when you're only hearing one side of the story. I don't really have anyone else I can talk to about this. I don't like bitching behind people's back. Probably all blow over soon, I hope...

Don't be sorry, it's absolutely normal. You have a problem, you want to vent/get advice. Very far from bitching behind his back.

I think when you're both in a good mood you need to tell him that sometime you're gonna need him to listen to you vent but that you also realise it's difficult for him. Then you need to work out together how to make it less difficult for him. Maybe you can ease him into it. E.g. when you need to vent next you could consciously restrain the intensity and/or length of it to a level he can handle. Then hopefully over time he'll grow more resistant to being triggered by it and you can gradually reduce the amount of restraint you're applying until you're just being your normal self.

[Blinder Data]

I always wonder how people who struggle with traditional means of communication (eg Asperger's) get on in "normal" life and whether unaware folk treat them harshly as a result.

Not to get all 'men mars, women venus' but at the beginning I did struggle when my girlfriend would come home from work with problems. I'd suggest what I thought were logical solutions and the response was rarely positive. In such circumstances the best response is akin to what Chris Rock suggests: "no? Really? That bitch!". You just want someone to reinforce how you feel, not dissect/examine the issue.

In terms of your boyf, I'm not experienced with aspies. But if you're feeling unsupported,.it's not good. You're probably among the millions (billions?) of women who carry significant 'emotional labour'. Hopefully the other half is aware in some way about your responsibilities. If not, and it's exhausting... Erm well this is not advice but it's all about your long term happiness. If the situation is unsustainable then a solution/proposition must be found

[Pride of Elvis]

Sorry to undercut your wonderful post, BD, but I'm a bloke, ha ha.

Not to get all 'men mars, women venus' but at the beginning I did struggle when my girlfriend would come home from work with problems. I'd suggest what I thought were logical solutions and the response was rarely positive. In such circumstances the best response is akin to what Chris Rock suggests: "no? Really? That bitch!". You just want someone to reinforce how you feel, not dissect/examine the issue.

Yes, I think he wants reaffirmation/support rather than analysis, which I sympathise with and I am sincere with my responses, but I just wish he would treat me in kind and not behave in a way that he hates when it is done by others to him.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Edit- I guessed the op was a bloke, but even so:

at the beginning I did struggle when my girlfriend would come home from work with problems. I'd suggest what I thought were logical solutions and the response was rarely positive. In such circumstances the best response is akin to what Chris Rock suggests: "no? Really? That bitch!". You just want someone to reinforce how you feel, not dissect/examine the issue.

I do this too

Problem? Solutions

Instead of just going 'Ahh hmm terrible, awful. Mm, sorry about that.' Platitudes sound less sincere, I think.

[Pride of Elvis]

I don't feel completely unsupported by him, and he is very warm, loving and affectionate with me (much, much more patient over the last two years, and particularly since he transitioned four years ago) and I've started to feel as if we have a real future together. It's just these odd days that really hurt. Better than when it was practically every day.

I admit ours is an odd relationship to outsiders.

[thenoise]

> yanbu

[Pride of Elvis]

?

[shiftwork2]

It's Mumsnet for 'you are not being unreasonable'.