Author Topic: National Jokes From All Over The World  (Read 962 times)

National Jokes From All Over The World
« on: November 30, 2019, 04:14:06 PM »
I was talking to an online friend on another message board, and he was sharing jokes that have been passed down from many generations. Some are quite funny. I know there are people from all over the world here. Or jokes about another (rival) country..
___________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________

In Imperial Russia, most political jokes were of the polite variety that circulated in educated society. Few of the political jokes of the time are recorded, but some were printed in a 1904 German anthology.

A man was reported to have said: "Nikolay is a moron!" and was arrested by a policeman. "No, sir, I meant not our respected Emperor, but another Nikolay!" - "Don't try to trick me: if you say "moron", you are obviously referring to our tsar!"
A respected merchant, Sevenassov (Semizhopov in the original Russian), wants to change his surname, and asks the Tsar for permission. The Tsar gives his decision in writing: "Permitted to subtract two asses".

Re: National Jokes From All Over The World
« Reply #1 on: November 30, 2019, 06:11:49 PM »
My favourite Soviet joke is the 'five pokers' one.

This factory needs to order five pokers, and because of the difficulties with Russian being an inflected language and the genitive plural being one of the hardest, basically it's different inflections (endings) for one thing, two to four things, and five and over. With a lot of exceptions.

Anyway no one is ever quite sure of the genitive plural for five things, to the order is given to order four pokers and one extra, and the delivery chitty will contain the correct endings.

So the order is placed, and eventually the order is delivered with the chitty enclosed so surely the Honourable Soviets at head off will have the correct grammar. The chitty says;

"Enclosed are your Four Pokers and one Extra"

I'll get me coat....

Re: National Jokes From All Over The World
« Reply #2 on: November 30, 2019, 08:51:29 PM »
Standard disclaimer: I'm Norwegian, not Texan. Possibly my favourite "joke" of all time is a line of dialogue that my grandfather recited on a few occasions, and I'm actually not sure if it was something that really happened, but

A man thinks he recognizes another man on the street, walks up to him, looks him in the face and says
-You know, it's funny - at first I thought it was you, then I thought it was your brother, but now I can see that's neither of you.

That always encapsulated my grandfather's sense of humour to me - really deadpan, but with enough of a cadence to make the telling hilarious - as well as a certain regional flavour of humour that I identify very much with "my" part of Norway. As I've bragged about before, I am from Trondheim, as immortalised in the "Trondheim Hammer Dance" in the Monty Python sketch of a different name.

On the other hand, I was sure the "you fuck one sheep..." joke was a local invention, so what do I know? I first heard that from a guy in my class who told it so expertly, I was sure it must've originated in the same reactionary swamp as his family. He's a policeman now.

kalowski

  • the Zone of Zero Funkativity
Re: National Jokes From All Over The World
« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2019, 09:28:24 PM »
I like the one about the Texan who owns a big ranch and says something like, "When I drive my car it takes me four hours to get from one side of the ranch to the other" and the other guy says "I used to own a car like that too".

Don't know if it's a national joke or not, but I first heard it told by Bob Dylan.

Re: National Jokes From All Over The World
« Reply #4 on: December 01, 2019, 01:20:19 AM »
Japanese:

Panda ha nani wo tabemasuka?

Pan da!
_____________

What do pandas eat?

Bread!

Glebe

  • Even if it's ovah d'fown!

Re: National Jokes From All Over The World
« Reply #6 on: December 01, 2019, 12:47:04 PM »
There's an Iraqi, American, French, and an Egyptian on an airplane. The American takes a pack of cigarettes, takes a few puffs, and throws them out the window. The Iraqi asks "Why did you do that?" "Oh, we have a lot back in our country". A Frenchman has a bottle of cologne, sprays once, and throws it out his window. The Iraqi asks "Why did you do that?" "Oh, we have a lot back in our country". So the Iraqi guy is looking around, and finally throws the Egyptian out the window.

The rest are in horror. They ask "Why did you throw him out of the airplane?"

"We have a lot of Egyptians in our country"

kalowski

  • the Zone of Zero Funkativity
Re: National Jokes From All Over The World
« Reply #7 on: December 01, 2019, 01:01:49 PM »
There's an Iraqi, American, French, and an Egyptian on an airplane. The American takes a pack of cigarettes, takes a few puffs, and throws them out the window. The Iraqi asks "Why did you do that?" "Oh, we have a lot back in our country". A Frenchman has a bottle of cologne, sprays once, and throws it out his window. The Iraqi asks "Why did you do that?" "Oh, we have a lot back in our country". So the Iraqi guy is looking around, and finally throws the Egyptian out the window.

The rest are in horror. They ask "Why did you throw him out of the airplane?"

"We have a lot of Egyptians in our country"

Re: National Jokes From All Over The World
« Reply #8 on: December 01, 2019, 01:15:03 PM »
Terrible joke, besides, you can't open a window on a plane.

Re: National Jokes From All Over The World
« Reply #9 on: December 01, 2019, 03:26:34 PM »
...and vun of dem vas assaulted. Peanut. Hür hür hür...

Voltan (Man of Steel)

  • 8% English, apparently
Re: National Jokes From All Over The World
« Reply #10 on: December 01, 2019, 04:07:01 PM »
Terrible joke, besides, you can't open a window on a plane.

Actually I remember this incident. The aircraft was a Cessna 182 4-seater flying at 3000ft so the windows could quite easily have been opened. Still no excuse for what happened and none of those involved emerge with much credit.

kngen

  • Member
  • **
  • Fighting sleep's deathlike grip
Re: National Jokes From All Over The World
« Reply #11 on: December 01, 2019, 04:49:06 PM »
Scottish butcher's joke corner

Bloke goes into a butcher's on a cold day. Butcher is stood in front of a small heater, hands behind his back, distractedly trying to stave off the chill.

'Is that your Ayrshire bacon?' asks the man.

'Naw, naw. I'm just warmin' ma hauns'

--------------------------

A foppish chap goes into a butcher's and says: 'Can I have a mince round?'

'Aye, but hurry up, we're closing in five minutes.'


-----------------------
Bloke goes up to the counter and says: 'Is that a cake or a meringue?'

'This is butcher's, you daft cunt. You're in the wrong joke corner'






kalowski

  • the Zone of Zero Funkativity
Re: National Jokes From All Over The World
« Reply #12 on: December 01, 2019, 06:16:40 PM »
Scottish butcher's joke corner

Bloke goes into a butcher's on a cold day. Butcher is stood in front of a small heater, hands behind his back, distractedly trying to stave off the chill.

'Is that your Ayrshire bacon?' asks the man.

'Naw, naw. I'm just warmin' ma hauns'

--------------------------

A foppish chap goes into a butcher's and says: 'Can I have a mince round?'

'Aye, but hurry up, we're closing in five minutes.'


-----------------------
Bloke goes up to the counter and says: 'Is that a cake or a meringue?'

'This is butcher's, you daft cunt. You're in the wrong joke corner'
"Jojoba? Where I come from that's the month after September!"

thecuriousorange

  • WELCOME THRILLHOU
Re: National Jokes From All Over The World
« Reply #13 on: December 01, 2019, 08:26:49 PM »
Someone told me this when I very briefly lived in Inverness.

What's Scottish farmer's favourite Rolling Stones song?

Hey McCloud, get off my ewe.

Re: National Jokes From All Over The World
« Reply #14 on: December 01, 2019, 09:09:44 PM »
Yorkshireman goes to a sculptor and says "I want a gold statue of me dog making'

Sculptor says "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkie says "No, I want it chewin' a bone"

notjosh

  • Golden Member
  • *****
Re: National Jokes From All Over The World
« Reply #15 on: December 02, 2019, 07:44:22 AM »
Japanese:

Panda ha nani wo tabemasuka?

Pan da!
_____________

What do pandas eat?

Bread!


I am learning Tamil and wrote this Tamil joke:

Aen puzhuikka paravailla?

Aenal paravi illa!
_____________

Why is the worm fine?

Because there are no birds


Absolutely kills in Chennai that does.

Norton Canes

  • Watching the Wednesday wheel
Re: National Jokes From All Over The World
« Reply #16 on: December 02, 2019, 10:20:55 AM »
Chap walks into a sandwich shop and orders a sandwich. Sandwich vendor asks if he wants it wrapped. No thanks says the chap, I'm going right.

One for the Farsi speakers among you there.

Re: National Jokes From All Over The World
« Reply #17 on: December 02, 2019, 06:41:05 PM »
In Russia, the TV watches you.

Now, it's universal! Progress!

thecuriousorange

  • WELCOME THRILLHOU
Re: National Jokes From All Over The World
« Reply #18 on: December 02, 2019, 11:35:56 PM »
A man walks into a shop and he says "I want some nails", the fella behind the counter says "how long do you want them?" and the man says "Jesus Christ, I want to keep them".

Worth telling in most accents.

Re: National Jokes From All Over The World
« Reply #19 on: December 03, 2019, 12:32:35 AM »
Auf Deutsch:

Mitarbeiter: “Chef, darf ich heute zwei Stunden früher Schluss machen? Meine Frau will mit mir einkaufen gehen.”
Chef: “Nein. Kommt gar nicht in Frage.”
Mitarbeiter: “Vielen Dank Chef! Ich wusste, sie würden mich nicht im Stich lassen!”

In English:

Employee: “Boss, can I leave work two hours early today? My wife wants me to go shopping with her.”
Boss: “No. That’s out of the question.”
Employee: “Thanks, boss! I knew you wouldn’t let me down!"

Who said Germans don't have a sense of humour?